A/N: While this story is mine (well, obviously other than the characters…they belong to the lovely Stephanie Meyer) I got the idea from SulpiciaDoesn'tApprove who wrote The Diary of Jane (which, you should definitely read – I LOVE it – she is truly amazing at how she writes Jane)…hopefully she agrees that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery… Life According to Emmett…
My name is Emmett Cullen…I'm married and I have two brothers, two sisters, an adorable little niece, great parents and a pet dog…well…quite a few pet dogs actually – enormously large wolf-looking dogs that consistently stink…not even bathing them in the river by our house seems to help with the stench…really pissed the dog off when we tried though!
Age? 20 years of age…no older…not at all…despite the fact I am built like a brick you know what house, this fine piece of hotness is only 20…so eat your hearts out cougars…
I live in Forks, Washington – yeah, it's rainy but the wildlife? Mountain lions, bobcats and bears…oh hell yeah!
About me? Hmmm…aren't all of these question about me? Who's really going to read this anyway? Oh well…like I said, I'm Emmett and I just happen to be the best looking he-man you'll ever see…I'm married to the world's most beautiful woman and the love of my life (I am not whipped – if you could see what my Rose can do to a car engine, you would say the exact same thing too!!!)…I love my family…hands down – they're the best family anyone could ask for. They include:
Rosalie – my beautiful wife…dude – seriously – she is STUNNING – legs miles long, gorgeous blond hair, AND a genius mechanic! I fell in love the first moment I met her and no words I say could possible do her justice in any way…
Eddie – my baby bro – little shit is the biggest cheater at wrestling and he tends to overreact and go crazy about Bella at times (not so much anymore thank goodness – she's a bit more, um, durable, that's it – durable) but I wouldn't trade him for the world…
Bella – my sis-in-law and Eddie's wife…she's one of my favorite people (hehehehe) ever – even if she is freakishly strong for being a girl…just don't ask about her sex life (sheesh, I mean, hello – we're all married and adults – what the heck?) or she WILL beat the living crap out of you (and since her and Rose are so tight these days, Rose won't even do anything to scare her for me…it almost makes me miss the days of Rose hating her)…she does have slightly weird tastes in friends but she's probably one of the bravest people I've ever known…
Nessie – my niece – and I LOVE her…she is the cutest little thing you've ever seen in your life…and I am her favorite uncle – hands down (sorry Jazz but you know it's true!)…the kid can eat anything – I can't wait until she's old enough (or at least looks old enough) to see if she can get drunk (oops – did I write that? Better keep THAT thought out of my head or else I'll have Bella, Edward AND Rosie on my ass)…she has definitely inherited her mom's temper and fondness for oddballs though…
Alice – my sister – I think she might come up to my hip if she's lucky – she reminds me of a dark haired Tinkerbell (please don't tell her I said that ~ she can be down right conniving and Jazz tends to do whatever she asks – I don't really feel like walking around feeling 'oh so pretty' ever again…stinking emo comedian)…I guess you could also say she's on the intuitive side (boy is THAT ever an understatement)…
Jasper – the aforementioned stinking emo comedian…and I am not still mad at him for beating me at wrestling last night…even though I personally think it's cheating to make your opponent feel so tired he passes out in the middle of the match…or to give the said opponent that loving feeling – hmph…
Carlisle – my adoptive dad…he's the strongest, bravest, smartest, and kindest person I know…I thank him every day for giving me my life
Esme – my adoptive mom…she's is the personification of love…I am very lucky to have her because I can't imagine that my biological mom could have loved me more than Esme does…
And finally…
Jake – the family dog…what can I say? He stinks, never stops eating and drives Rosie nuts, but he is a surprisingly loyal mutt…and the best guard dog possible for Nessie…
What do I like? Grizzly hunting, mountain lion hunting, deer hunting, camping, running, playing pranks, playing on the computer, playing Guitar Hero, basically playing any video game (I just wish they'd make those darn controllers a little stronger – I go thru about two or three a week – grrr), wrestling, annoying Edward, embarrassing Bella, and surprisingly…hanging with Charlie…he's pretty cool for a huma…I mean old guy.
What do I dislike? Hmmmm…not too much to be honest…oh wait – I was wrong…I friggin hate Italians…especially Italians who reside in Voltera (however the heck you spell that stupid ass city)…especially Volterians (ha – Voltera + Martians = Volterians – hahahahahaha) with names like Jane, Alec, Dimitri, Felix, Aro, Marcus, Caius, etc. – you get my drift…
So there you have it – Emmett Cullen – and I rock (how do I know – because Guitar Hero says so!)…well, I guess that's all – more blogging later!