I have no idea where this terrible thing came from. But I have to get this fluff out of the way before I write the real angsty stuff.
When Elena is five, she tries to walk across the spin of the monkey bars like a tight-rope, tethering between a large drop and a large drop. Danger and danger. She can hear the whispers of Tyler to Caroline, who gasps, and then Bonnie's attention is caught, Bonnie who has always been the sensible one - and then her mom screams in terror - and Elena falls.
Her father laughs sometime after he sets her shoulder, warm and loving, good-humored. "You're going to be the death of us," he remarks.
Elena frowns, considers feeling hurt, but she is starting to learn when her daddy is joking, so she just smiles. In her mom's arms, Jeremy laughs, saying 'Lena', and her warm smile bursts into a blazing grin. Even if Jeremy won't play with her, she likes him a lot, and she wishes he could be with her always, because Caroline and Bonnie wouldn't mind, and Matt likes him, too.
Caroline and Bonnie spend the next day at hers, scrawling all over her sling because Caroline had seen something like that on a TV show once, and she drowns things in glitter whenever she gets the chance. Bonnie tries to convince her that maybe slings shouldn't be glittered but no one can tell Caroline to stop and expect it to actually work.
"You shouldn't'a been doing that anyway, 'Lena," Bonnie scolds, only a few months older than them but so much steadier.
Elena blushes, and Caroline grins, a bright flash of teeth before bending her head to continue her work.
Later, Jenna visits from college and laughs, warm like daddy. She calls Elena her trouble-maker, and stuffs her with ice cream. Uncle John comes too, stress tightening his face, even when he smiles as she proudly shows him Caroline's glitter-logged creations. Elena is briefly upset when she realises she can't hold Jeremy like this, but he cuddles up to her side, sucking his thumb, and she figures that makes it a bit better.
The next day at school, Matt kisses her shoulder better over her white dress, and Elena feels dizzy. He sits with them for the rest of the day, and Tyler eventually comes over too. Caroline bullies the boys into making a daisy-chain for Elena, who pins Tyler into place with big dark eyes.
"Fine," he flings out, word grudging and reluctant.
Tyler and Matt are bad at it, but Elena smiles at them anyway, remembers this smile as the one to melt them both.
The next month at some picnic their parents host, Tyler helps her get started on the swing while Matt pushes Caroline down the slide. Vicki is spinning with Bonnie on the round-a-bout, her laughter soaring up to the sky while Bonnie clutches the rails nervously. Matt and Vicki had come with her. Their mom and her creepy boyfriend were out.
The adults are gathered some feet away, all sitting on the grass, all talking. No one is laughing, and when Bonnie scraps her knee, Elena soothes her while Caroline kisses it better. Vicki scoffs a little, and Tyler glances at her, straightening up like he wants to impress. Boys.
When Elena goes over to grab a plaster - and beg her mom to let Jeremy play with them, because she would be really, really, really careful with him, promise - she hears the word vervain.
Elena has known Matt for as long as she can remember. Her earliest memory is of the sweat-slick clutch of his hand around hers, the laughter as they bury her Barbies in the yard and never find them again, the long days spent in his house with him and Vicki while their moms gossip in the kitchen, smoke from Kelly's cigarette staining everything in the room. They still share juice boxes and candy and everything else.
Sometimes her mom would get a call in the middle of the night, and the next morning, Elena will wake up to Vicki and Matt at the kitchen table, like they had never been anywhere else. Vicki is old enough to impress Elena, but nice, sisterly in an odd way.
Matt is steady and just there.
She has no idea why that is different from how Tyler and Bonnie and Caroline and Vicki have always been there, within arms reach even, but it is.
Elena's childhood is a patchwork of tantrums and smiles, tears and laughters. Her anger can never last long, drowned out by too much sympathy - because Elena has always been too much of a writer not to look at things from the lens of other people's perspective. It gets easier to forgive when she has her journal, pouring out all of her rage in an ink-black fury that sinks into a calm.
Jeremy just makes her heart swell up. Whenever he scraps his knee or bumps his head, he runs to Elena in tears, staring up at her with utterly trusting eyes. She cleans his cut, kisses it better - twice if he doesn't cry at the pain - before setting him down with juice and cookies. He crawls into her bed with every nightmare, holds her hand while crossing the street, and just about shadows her every movement. His friends know everything about her.
Elena has never felt so utterly needed before in her life, and she loves every second of being a big sister.
When Jeremy grows up and stops admiring her, it hurts a lot. Like a piece of herself has been violently ripped away.
Sleepovers with Bonnie and Caroline help. Curling up with her arms wrapping around them, jammed between them, cuddled under her bedsheets on the couch while some sappy movie played, pizza cooling on the table was the best therapy in the world.
And then they are invited to their first proper party when they are thirteen. Beer flows, laughter sounds, and some idiot breaks their ankle while drunk. Elena stays with her friends, pressed between Caroline and Bonnie while Matt and Vicki and Tyler laugh with them. They have grown up together, year for year, scrapped knee for loose tooth, and it shows boldly. Like magnets, they find each other.
There has always been a sense of something between her and Matt, so it isn't strange to feel a little sick when he makes Natasha Triel giggle, flip her hair, try to wrap her (mannish, she thinks with spite) hand around his muscle-thickening arms. (She knows he wants to sign up for football in high school with Tyler because he has been saying so since they were in pre-school, so screw Nastasha.)
When she leaves her circle to grab another beer, she runs into Martin Fell. He makes her laugh, and kisses her very nicely, but no thanks to the tongue, and she had heard about his cousin, Logan's break up with Jenna. Really, the stupidity of cheating on her beautiful Aunt Jenna might be catchy. So she goes back to her friends -
And when the next day, his girlfriend makes a comment to Bonnie about her missing mom, Elena has no hesitation to sling the truth right back.
Caroline never forgives her for not telling her first, and Bonnie holds her hand, too stung to care for the other girl's feelings. Later, Elena will feel guilty, but only then (when Matt looks at her, swallows, turns away).
For now, she is young and selfish and unattached.
There is power in the way she can make boys stare by swinging her hips a certain way, by smiling low and sultry like Caroline's favourite movie stars, by stringing innuendo along in a drink-dark purr. It doesn't start intentional, but it ends that way.
It's funny to makes bets with Caroline and Bonnie to see who will be tempted enough by her to try and cheat. Elena never goes there, not with a cheater, but she convinces herself that it is harmless, just another party game like spin-the-bottle or truth or dare.
Elena learns how to add a slink to her walk, how to dress to catch eyes, how to look at people in a way that makes them burn, how to drawl out her words just so. She feels eyes on her at every party, adults and boys and girls, and she soaks it in greedily, wanting more, more, more.
Some girls call her a boyfriend-stealing bitch.
Bonnie says they are jealous; Caroline says they deserve it; and Elena stops herself from thinking on it.
She is just having fun.
(It isn't fun if someone gets hurt.)
Bonnie is her anger, the lasting blaze of a grudge where Elena simply can't hold one. Caroline is her light, flaring up brilliantly, never stable but always so beautiful. Elena is pretty smiles and prim eyes on the a china-doll face, a reckless thing lurking under the skin that kisses boys who aren't hers.
She is fun. She likes to dance, she likes to party, she always loses at I'v Never, but passes with flying colors at Seven Minutes In Heaven. She is that girl, the one who people never suspect. Elena is a cheerleader, shiny hair and bright smiles, the perfect HBIC with Caroline on her right and Bonnie on her left.
She leaves lipstick stains on shirts and mouths, little marks of rememberance as she dances and swirls to the roar of music, sweat pooling between her breasts. Another boy grabs her hips, and she has to laugh because seriously, she is known as a cock-tease, so why expect her legs to open completely at all?
Well, she supposes, a wicked smirk curving her lips, their blood isn't exactly going to their brains.
And she keeps moving, music guiding her movements like a puppet-master.
One night when her parents are out with Jenna, and Jeremy is sleeping over a friend's, Caroline shows up on her doorstep one night, crying because her parents are breaking up. Elena hugs her tightly, crushing the other girl to her chest and rocks her gently until Caroline can breathe again.
"I'll call Bonnie," Elena promises, face pressed against her friend's golden hair. Apple-scented because Care had used some of her shampoo once after a sleep over and liked it so much that Elena had given it to her.
Carlone gasps against her skin, wet and weak with pain, and the noise just breaks Elena's heart. "Okay."
Elena leads her upstairs and sends her in the bathroom for a shower with a set of her pjs.
She texts a warning to her parents, calls Bonnie, and then Caroline's mother.
Liz Forbes isn't surprised.
"Thank you for calling me, Elena," she says heavily, a pain in her voice that matches her daughter's perfectly. "Is she alright?"
Elena thought about the desperate clutch of Caroline's arms, the agony in her sobs, and how difficult it had been to keep her from melting to the floor. But Caroline is stronger than even Bonnie in someways, and Bonnie had survived this.
"Not yet," she admits because Elena has known this woman forever. She had given Liz second mother's day cards because it seemed unfair that her mom got three of them (from Bonnie, who's mom was crazy enough to leave her) while Liz got only one. "But she will be."
Liz is quiet for a moment before releasing a shaky breath, repeating, "Thank you, Elena."
Not long after, Caroline comes out of the bedroom, slightly small in her pjs, and settles at Elena's feet. Without a word, Elena reaches for her hairbrush and a hair-tie. She braids Caroline's wet hair, strands of darkened gold slipping through her fingers. She remembers doing this as a child often, remembers Caroline's demands that she would re-do her braid when it got loose because Elena had the steadiest hands. It brings a glow of fondness to boil in her chest, warm and loving.
When Bonnie walks into her bedroom, not bothering to knock at the front door, the braid is finished.
"I brought ice-cream," she offers tentatively.
"Fudge-brownie?" Caroline asks, voice a little rough and pained.
"Like I would dare bring anything else," Bonnie says, a weak joke in her voice.
Caroline inhales, blinks her reddened eyes, touches her face. "God, I look like such a mess."
Elena leans down to press a kiss to her damp hair. "Still prettier than most of the school, Care."
Caroline huffs out, trying to sound amused and managing it fairly well. "Yeah, well, like that's a challenge."
Elena meets Bonnie's snort with a wide grin, just as relieved as amused.
The next party feels like war: explosions of sound, snarls filling the air, occassional appearences of blood because drunken teenagers were morons. Elena ends up in the woods, tree bark harsh against her spine, as Matt kisses her like the world is ending, hands slipping the buttons of her shorts, sliding in to touch lace.
Her head rolls back, lust catching as a deep moan in her throat, legs parting, inviting - not at all proper for a third date. But Elena doesn't feel like a slut or like she isn't worth the wait because they have been waiting for this long enough, and the way Matt touches her, soft, gentle, loving but not shy makes her unsteady heart beam.
His name unfurls from her lips, tumbling out with gasps and moans, whispers of encouragement as his fingers slip inside, and begin to move, and move, and move until he hits her spot, and the world goes blurry as she jerks, gasping desperately through the wild sensations of pleasure. Her dark curls were stricking to her dark red lip gloss when she crashes back down, body singing with bliss.
Matt stares at her through the dark, eyes huge and vivid blue, lust-blackened, mouth slack with awe. "Elena . . . " he whispers.
She flexes around his fingers instinctively, body reacting to the unashamed emotion in his voice, and she feels eternal, more beautiful than the compliments of strangers could ever make her be. Her hands reach, curling into his blond hair, as she leans forward to kiss him softly, more like Elena of the past than the wild-girl she has grown to be.
Despite how he must feel, Matt returned her sweetness, lips soft and achingly unhurried against hers.
And then something stomps on a branch - and they freeze, his fingers pull carefully out of her, and she hands him a tissue that was supposed to be for blotting her lipstick - there is another step while she quickly buttons her jeans and Matt flattens his hair with one hand, and then a crunch followed by a yelp -
"Caroline?" Elena says, startled. Embarrassment floods Matt's face but Elena laughs, amusement flushing her cheeks as her friend staggers clumsily into view.
"I broke my heel!" Caroline wails, horror-stricken. "Elena! God, why did I buy these stupid things?"
These stupid things being a heeled pair of white sandles to match her dress and pretty blonde ringlets.
"They looked really cute on you," Elena replies. She's wearing a tiny pair of butt-hugging shorts with a clingy red halter top, showing most of her back and cleavage, with a more sensible pair of black wedges. Her eyes are bright in the dark, natural curls ruffled. "Want me to drive you home?"
Still oblivious to what she had stumbled upon, Caroline lifts her hair from glaring at her shoes to shoot her a pleading look. "Do you mind? That would be perfect. This party has been a total nightmare! Bonnie keeps freaking out the goths by predicting a bunch of really random stuff. Duncan King has been like stalking me all night, and Tyler promised to keep him away from me, but instead, he's been sucking face with - some random girl all night!"
Elena notices the switch in tone with ease - Caroline is a terrible liar - but she can guess exactly who Tyler has been sucking face with, so she hopes Matt is swept away in blissful denial about his sister. Can only pray that her baby brother never feels like that about her. But no, Jeremy will never know about the slutty side of her because she is with Matt now.
(They've been holding hands since the sandbox, lingering in hugs since pre-school. This has to last.)
"Sounds like you're jealous," Elena teases.
Caroline's eyes snap to Matt, Tyler's pink-faced best friend. "I'm not." Elena laughs. "What? I'm not! Elena!"
Elena wakes up to laughter the next morning. In her sleepwear, she stumbles down the stairs and into the kitchen. Caroline is at the counter, wearing a pair of Elena's jeans and one of Elena's shirts, hair in perfect curls. Matt was at the stove, wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt with an unbuttoned red shirt over it. He turns, and sees her before Elena can recoil. She is in loose baggy clothes, hair tumbling in every direction, curls crazed and disorderly.
Matt smiles at her, that sincere Apple-Pie smile that sents warmth rolling eagerly through her. His eyes fill with wonder, like she is in full make-up and a party dress. "Good morning, Elena.
Elena finds herself smiling back, a giddy girlish heat flushing to her cheeks. "Morning." She reaches up to sweep her hair back, vain despite his obvious admiration. "What are you doing here?"
Matt lifts the frying pan from the strove. "Making you breakfast."
Elena inhales. Her eyes widen in hopeful delight. "Pancakes?"
His smile is maybe a bit shy. "Your favourite."
The words hit her, stealing her breath because this guy? This lovely, sweet, shy-smiling guy? Far too good for her.
But Elena isn't planning on letting him go. Young and selfish.
"Marry him," Caroline mutters as an aside whisper during breakfast. "Or I will."
"Over my dead body," Elena retorts under her breath.
Caroline considers the pancakes speared on the end of her fork. "Well, these are pretty good."
Matt jolts in surprise as Elena elbow Caroline hard, and the blonde cackles in amusement. Elena grins so hard that it splits into laughter, ducking her head to hide the reddening of her face from Matt.