There is nothing like a mother's love.
A/N: Thanks to Lanie for all her help on this story. I couldn't have done this one without you.
Stronger Than I Am
She placed the receiver back down on the phone. She felt her world collapsing. The room began to sway as she felt her heart slow and her breathing speed up. The blood in her veins ran cold and slow. Standing in place she held onto the counter then without warning all she was feeling came out in rage and anger.
"NOOOOOOOO!" the sound was loud and primal. She fell to the floor lashing out and hitting the cabinet door with her hands while hot tears streamed down her face.
Curt was at her side in seconds. "Dotty, who was that? What's happened?"
Gulping in air and trying to speak she looked at Curt and said, "Aman…Aman…my baby."
"What happened to Amanda? Isn't she in California on vacation?" he could tell that whatever was going on was devastating. He just needed to calm his girlfriend down to find out what it was.
"Lee, uh, on phone…shot, oh God, my baby. I can't lose her, she can't die." Dotty sat crying while Curt put his arms around her and tried putting the pieces together.
"Dotty, I need you to calm down and explain to me what is happening. What did Lee tell you about Amanda?"
Pulling back from him to look up into his concerned face she choked out, "Amanda was shot in California. What am I going to do?"
"I am going to help you get to her." He told her in a soothing voice while rubbing her back.
She looked up at him, trying to comprehend what he was telling her. All she knew in that moment was that Lee had told her that her only daughter, her only child was hundreds of miles away and fighting for her life.
"I have so much to do. I have to call Joe to tell him and the boys. I have to have someone watch the house while I am gone. I have to pack and, and, oh Curt, what am I going to do?" She laid her head back on his chest crying in his arms.
Holding her a few minutes longer he knew he was going to have to take charge, at least until he could get her calm and thinking. He just hooped that was before they got to California.
"She is strong, she will be okay. Now we need to get you to her. I think you should go pack and I can make some calls for you."
"I need to call Joe myself. If you could go next-door to let Edna know what is going and ask if she is able to look after the house that would be helpful." He nodded while helping her from the floor before heading out to talk with Edna Gilstrap.
She climbed the stairs, stopping in front of her daughter's room before she went in. She sat on the bed, pulling a giant panda that sat in the middle into her arms. Everything that held importance to her daughter was in this room.
On the dresser where Amanda dressed every day were the latest pictures of the boys. Phillip looked like he was ready for a haircut, but his latest rebellion was letting it grow out. Amanda said, "Mother, it is only hair." Jamie's picture was one of someone that looked like a young Harvard grad. "He is all business, Mother."
On the tiny nightstand, next to the phone was a picture of Amanda and her. She remembered when it was taken; the day after Carl's funeral. They were both smiling and showing in the background behind them was a rainbow. She had never noticed the rainbow in the picture, "It hadn't even been raining." she said to no one except the panda in her arms.
Dotty placed her hand over the baseball that she knew had been Lee's. It was next to the photo she was just looking at. She remembered when Amanda brought it home. It was months ago, "Oh, Mother, a co-worker I have been helping out with some important work, gave it to me as a thank you." She found out a short time later that the co-worker had been Lee Stetson.
Taking a deep breath she steeled herself as she picked up the phone. The boys had been with Joe since Friday afterschool for their scheduled visit. She just hoped that they were already in bed. They deserved one more peaceful sleep before finding out about their mother. Dotty knew that Joe would have no problem stepping in while she was gone. He did a great job when Amanda ran off with Lee earlier in the year. Her concern now was if she should leave them behind or not. What if Amanda took a turn for the worse and actually died? How could she forgive herself if their mother died and she never gave them an opportunity to say goodbye? Shaking that thought from her head she decided that her daughter was stronger than that. "Amanda will not die!" She spoke aloud more to give her more courage. Dialing Joe's number was hard. It took three tries before she finally finished.
"Hello." Dotty smiled at the friendly voice and was happy to know that Joe had found someone as great as Carrie.
"Carrie, this is Dotty. I really need to talk to Joe." Her voice was tight with trying to sound normal it must not have worked as Carrie placed the receiver down and yelled for Joe.
"Something is wrong, she doesn't sound like herself."
"Dotty, what's wrong? Are you okay?" The concern in his voice made Dotty smile.
"No, no I'm not." Taking a second to compose herself she continued, "I just got a call from Lee. I know that Amanda told me they were taking separate vacations, but I think we both know they weren't."
"No, I was pretty sure they were going together. What did he say?" Knowing the true nature of their trip, Joe wasn't worried about anything major. It was their honeymoon, what could happen on their honeymoon?
His breath was taken when he heard, "Amanda was shot."
"What do you mean, shot?" He felt his knees buckle beneath him and his chest tighten as if he was the one that had been shot.
"How? When? Who? Who did this?" He asked in a strangled voice as Dotty heard the constricted emotion in his voice.
"I don't know everything. Lee kept it very brief. He told me that he would tell me everything after I get there. He did tell me that she made it through surgery. I am hoping to fly out in a few hours; I still have to book a flight. I need the boys to stay with you, just until I can get out there to find out for myself what is going on. I will call you as soon as I know more."
"I understand. She is the strongest woman I know, Amanda will be fine. I will talk to the boys and then after I talk to you again, we will see if it is necessary to bring them out in a few days."
"Thank you, Joe, tell them I love them and I am going to bring their mother home safe." Dotty hung the phone up to go pack her bags.
She looked around the room again, setting the big panda back in the center of the bed. She had a feeling that if that bear could talk it would tell her all of Amanda's secrets. It was in that moment that she decided that she didn't want to know them. She knew that when Amanda was ready she would come to her and she would be ready to listen to them.
Curt found her in her room staring into her closet. He saw the open suitcase with her underclothes and sleepwear packed but nothing else.
"Dotty, I talked with Edna. She said not to worry about anything. I called the airline and booked us a flight from her phone; I wasn't sure how long your call with Joe would be. It leaves in four hours. I am going to run to my place and get packed and be back in an hour to get you. The tickets are being held for us at the airline counter." He waited for her to respond, but when she didn't, he walked to her placing his hands on her shoulders.
"I know this is the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with, but you need to finish packing and be ready when I get back so we can get to California."
"Be ready to go watch my daughter fight for her life? No, I don't think I will ever be ready for anything like that. I will, on the other hand, be ready to leave when you come back here." She gave him a gentle kiss on his cheek before he walked from the room to go to his house and pack his own bag.
On the drive to the airport, Dotty had become unusually quiet. Curt was concerned, she looked small, as if she were shrinking right in front of him. This was not the Dotty West he knew and was growing to care deeply for. He tried making conversation but she wouldn't answer him. He finally conceded and decided that if and when she needed him he would be here, until then he would wait.
Halfway through the flight he looked over at her as he heard her say, "She was so little when she was born. I was so scared that I wasn't the right woman for the job. God must have made his first mistake. Why would he entrust this tiny little girl to me? How was I supposed to take care of her? Carl, oh, Carl wasn't much help. For the first three weeks, he was afraid to hold her unless he was sitting down. He told me he was afraid he was going to break her. I laughed telling him, 'Carl, she didn't break getting here she won't break if you walk across the floor with her'. We both relaxed more after that. She was so smart. She was doing things and figuring things out at earlier ages than some other children her age. Oh, and her imagination! I couldn't keep up with that imagination of hers, but I did let her have it."
"I remember when she left for college. She was going to UVA and was so excited to move in a week early that year because there had been a strange scheduling mix-up and so anyone wanting to pledge a sorority or fraternity could move in a week early. Her Daddy was not happy about that I can tell you. He said all that wasn't necessary. He just didn't want her to go away in the first place. She was so excited when she called home and told him that had made it into the Kappas. He just smiled saying he was proud of her and that they couldn't have picked a better girl."
"I can't lose her." The tears began again. Her whole body shook as a new wave of tears and fears for Amanda came back at her full force. "I just can't lose her."
He put his arms around her to try and calm her again. "You won't, Dotty. Why don't you tell me more about how she met Joe or when she was pregnant with the boys?"
"The first time she brought Joe home to meet us, Carl tried to run him through the ringer. This was the first boyfriend that she had brought home to us from college. She seemed so happy. In the middle of dinner while Carl was picking him apart, making it clear that he wasn't good enough for his daughter, Amanda stood up and announced they were leaving. Carl told her to sit back down, they weren't leaving, and do you know what she did? Of course you don't, you weren't there. Well, she told her father that if he couldn't act more like the man she knew him to be instead of the horse's ass he was being, then she would just leave and not come home. She told him that she was in love with Joe and that if he could just get past the fact that she wasn't five any longer, then we could all sit down and have a nice dinner."
Laughing at that, Curt could see Amanda doing just that. "What did Carl do?"
"He asked her if she remembered who he was; that he was her father. She told him she knew exactly who he was, but she wanted to know if he knew who she had become. They stared at one another with Joe and I just watching like a Wimbledon match. She had squared her shoulders and wouldn't back down from him for one second. I saw my big strong husband shrink back slightly at seeing his daughter in a whole new light. He saw her as a strong, independent woman. They both sat back down, he apologized to Joe for his actions, and as we continued dinner, Joe looked at Amanda and asked her, 'You love me?' You see, she hadn't told Joe yet." He laughed along with her on that memory.
"When Amanda was pregnant with Jamie, she got sick. It was the first time that Joe had been sent out of town for longer than two days with his job. Amanda called us to watch Phillip because she wanted to go to the hospital. Her father insisted going with her and had me stay with Phillip. She just had a really bad sinus infection, but because she was pregnant, they didn't want to give her certain medications so she began thinking of all these home remedies that would be safer than the medication. In the end, Carl said that she was going to have a baby and the doctors had found something they felt was safe. Since she had another little one at home, she just needed to take her medicine to get better. She looked at him telling him, 'but, Daddy it tastes nasty.' "
The pilot made the announcement that the plane would be landing in twenty minutes. "Prepare yourself." Curt instructed.
"I'm still not prepared." She said and looked toward the window.
"You will be. I won't let you go into that hospital until you are." He patted her hand.
They landed and Curt went to the rental counter and signed the paperwork for the car he ordered when he booked their flight. He told her that he would drop her at the hospital first if she wanted as he could go take care of their hotel reservations and get their settled in.
"I would like that. I don't think I have thanked you yet for all you have done tonight." Dotty patted his hand as they pulled out and headed toward the hospital.
He made sure she was okay to go in alone before he left her. "I will be fine, I'm sure Lee is here. I won't be alone. You go and get some sleep, I will check on Amanda and Lee, and then I will call you when I am ready to clean up and change clothes."
Taking a deep breath she walked in and went to the information desk asking where she could find her daughter. They gave her directions to the ICU, but still had a volunteer to guide her to the nurse's station.
The nurse spoke to her in a calming voice until the doctor came to talk to her, explaining what had been assessed when Amanda had arrived, what occurred during surgery, and finally what to expect the next few days.
"Mrs. West, I want you to understand the severity and the challenges that can arise. She isn't completely out of the woods."
"Doctor, you don't know my daughter, I do. I want to see her now!" Even though the fear was still there she wasn't going to give up on her daughter and she wasn't about going to let this man give up on Amanda either.
He took her to Amanda's room and left her to go in when she was ready. Taking a deep breath she opened the door, heard the monitors, saw the oxygen tent, and Lee right beside Amanda. "Oh, my God!" she exclaimed covering her mouth with her hands while a look of horror across her face. "How did this happen? Who would do this?"
It was this look that had Lee beside her with his arm around her in seconds. Holding her a few minutes, Lee then guided her from the room proclaiming that he would tell her everything he knew.
The evening after Amanda crashed, Dotty sat by her side trying her best to be as strong as the woman she knew was lying in that bed fighting for her life. She didn't feel strong. She felt helpless. Lee would come and visit and then leave. He said he was helping Amanda the only way he knew how to. She didn't know what that meant, but she just figured it was his way of coping. She saw that when he was here, he never left her. He sat on the opposite side holding her free hand, running his thumb over her hand. She watched the man who loved her daughter. She saw his raw love for her knowing that if Amanda crashed again, her odds of coming back would be less and Lee's would be nonexistent. She knew he was aware of this fact as well; she knew he wouldn't make it without Amanda. Yes, this was Amanda's Carl. This was the man her Daddy was waiting for for his little girl. She also knew that she needed to care for Lee as much as Amanda right now. He needed a mother as much as Amanda did and she was just the woman for the job.
"When did you first know that you loved my daughter?" Dotty saw fear flash briefly in his eyes before he answered her and she just hoped it would be an honest answer.
"I've loved your daughter for so long that I don't know when I haven't loved her. It scared the hell out of me. I didn't deserve her or her love." There it was. There was the guilt she had heard when he'd called. Dotty stood, walked over to Lee, placed her arms around his shoulders and held him as his tears fell silently down his face.
"You didn't shoot her, you didn't put her here, you didn't do this, so don't do this to yourself."
Lee had left not long after that. He said he needed to check on another friend. Dotty was again left alone with her daughter. Curt had gone back to the hotel after checking on her with a promise of some real food later when he returned. She sat watching her daughter. Her tears were long gone and the anger toward the person who did this was just at a slow simmer, but not yet ready to boil over.
"I know I have said that I moved in to help with the boys after your divorce, but it was more for me. You are stronger than I am. My darling girl, I need you to not be stubborn on this though. Remember when you died a couple of years ago and we got all those flowers? You said that your co-worker made a joke saying at least you knew you were well liked. What was it you said you told them, that you knew you were well liked before being dead? Well, if you die now you know no one is going to believe us this time. I won't get one flower and you know how I love my flowers."
"I also want you to know how much I love Lee. I wish that you would have told me about this vacation together, trusted me with it. I know I don't have to say it, but I think he is the one to get you to remarry one day, maybe after getting to know the boys a little better. Like you, sweet girl, he is not to be rushed. When he makes his move, for that romantic moment, it will be in his time. I think you already understand that. I can see how much you two love each other, so I won't hurry you two."
"Can I get that in writing?" Amanda's groggy, strained whisper was music to her ears.
"AMANDA! Oh, my baby!" she hit the call button over and over. The nurse came running in and saw Amanda trying to move. She went to get the doctor who then promptly rushed Dotty out while he assessed Amanda's condition.
Dotty wanted to call Lee but when he left he forgot to leave a number where he could be reached. She didn't know how to get a hold of him. She asked one of the nurses if she knew and she said she would call the local Sherriff for Dotty. An hour later, Dr. Neely came to talk to Dotty and take her back into Amanda's room. Nurses were still fussing over her as the doctor tried to give Dotty information. After he felt she had finally listened fully to his assessment, he left the room.
Dotty burst from the room, feeling like a new mother all over again in the knowledge that her daughter would be fine. She wrapped her arms around Dr. Neely hugging him while exclaiming at the top of her lungs how beautiful Amanda looked. She couldn't wait to call the boys, Joe, and Curt. She watched as Lee swept past and entered the room to see Amanda for himself.
Dotty started to come back in the room after Lee had gone in. She had forgotten her purse for the payphone. She stood in silence as Lee leaned forward and whispered, "I love you, Mrs. Stetson."
Backing out of the room she smiled thinking, "No, Amanda Jean Stetson, you cannot have it in writing"