A/N: Been going through my old, crappy computer, which is in danger of dying anytime soon and copying my story files onto floppy disks (which I would be seriously pissed if I lost due to computer crashing) and I found some stories that….well I can't really say 'forgot about', more like been putting off posting, so there's no time like the present. Anyway, this is a one shot deal. I think I wrote this one during study halls during my freshman year of high school (…yeah, that's right cause I finished it at the end of finals when I got home from my last final. That's right cause I remember writing for like an hour after I got home cause I was nearly done and then I was really proud of myself cause it was the first story I've ever finished)…sad part about that is I'm a senior now…but I digress. It's kinda long, but there's really no good place to divide it, I did that to another fanfic on the West Wing page-divide it, that is- and turned out kinda choppy, so you get this all in one lump sum. Hope you like it! And go check out my other stories, please! Oh and review! Thanks!
Disclaimer:…yeah, yeah, yeah, don't own MASH, but you all know that…If you didn't...well, let's, put this as nice as possible...you're crazier than Frank Burns on his last episode...
To Choppers
By: Andrea Mainella
"MASH 4077th- Best Care Anywhere" Benjamin Franklin Pierce, nicknamed Hawkeye read out loud to his best friend John McIntyre, nicknamed Trapper as they pulled up in the olive drab jeep, in olive drab clothes with Trapper next to him wearing the same army drab clothes.
"God, can ya believe it, Hawk?" Trapper rolled his eyes "We're in the Army. Us. Us of all people. The same two guys who chased nurses all through medical school literally and physically…"
"Before you got married and had two girls" Hawkeye interrupted.
Trapper sighed "Yes, Hawkeye. Before I got married and had two girls. We're the two most undisciplined guys in the world…" he continued "…and they have the nerve to put us in the Army"
Hawkeye laughed "Come on, Trap. Let's get into camp. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave"
Trapper stared at Hawkeye quizzically "How do ya figure?"
Hawkeye looked around at his surroundings before answering "Well, the sooner we get into this hellhole…" he looked around again "…the sooner we do whatever in is we're supposed to be doing, the sooner whatever or whoever is causing this gets bored and surrenders, which means the sooner we get out of this cesspool" he finished triumphantly.
"I'm not sure if I get you…" Trapper laughed "…but I'm not sure if I want to either. OK, so let's go then"
"Ah so you agree" drawled Hawkeye "either that or…" he slapped one hand against his knee "I knew it! You really are anxiously awaiting getting into camp aren't you! You've been holding out on me, buddy, haven't you?"
"Yeah right. I'm dying to be here…." Trapper said sarcastically "…I'd rather be at the dentist. Really, I saw a bar called Rosie's Bar when we were driving in"
"Really? A bar!" Hawkeye clapped his hands excitedly, like a hyper young child and giggled inanely "Oh goody goody goody! Let's go, Trap, the alcohol's calling me!"
The two were about to start moving again when a short kid wearing clothes the same color as them and the Jeep, dirty glasses with corporal stripes on his sleeves and a cloth hat on his head walked up to the Jeep, put his hand over his eyes to shade them, squinted up at Hawkeye and Trapper and said "We don't get too many strangers around her. You just passing through or are you new here?"
"New here, unfortunately, though, from what I'm seeing, I wish I was just passing through" answered Hawkeye "I'm Hawkeye Pierce, I'm the new surgeon, this here's my bagboy, Trapper"
Trapper grinned at the corporal "No, he's got it all wrong. I'm the surgeon. He's the bagboy"
"Sorry Trap, I'm the surgeon"
"No, I am"
"No I am"
This went on for a few minutes until Trapper looked at the kid's scared, confused, and puzzled face. Trapper hit Hawkeye on the arm to get his attention. Hawkeye, who was babbling something about how since he's a few inches shorter and therefore closer to the patients, so he should be the surgeon, took a few seconds to realize Trapper was hitting him on the arm. Hawkeye looked over, blinking in the bright sunlight. Trapper motioned to the kid, who was still shocked about their show about the surgeon and the bagboy.
Hawkeye laughed "Calm down, kid. It was a joke. You know what a joke is, don't you?" As recognition dawned on the young corporal's face, Hawkeye continued "We're both surgeons. I'm Benjamin Franklin Pierce, wooer, friend, and confidant, of nurses of all countries, races, origins, and languages. Call me Hawkeye"
"Hawkeye?" the corporal questioned "Why Hawkeye?"
"Dad's favorite book is Last of the Mohicans. Only book he ever reads"
The boy turned to Trapper "What's your name?"
"John McIntyre. Everyone calls me Trapper"
"Why Trapper?" the corporal asked curiously.
Trapper smirked at Hawkeye before answering "I'll tell ya when you're older, kid"
Hawkeye and Trapper burst out laughing. The kid interrupted "I'll take you to Colonel Blake now"
Hawkeye stopped laughing "OK, hop in, kid". As he did, Hawkeye asked "What's your name anyway? We can't keep calling you kid". Hawkeye started driving on base, toward a big building, where one side was marked 'Post OP'
"I'm Corporal Radar O'Reilly, company clerk of the MASH 4077th" he answered proudly.
Trapper laughed "Radar? Your mother gave birth to you and named you Radar?"
"No" Radar answered "When my mom birthed me, she named me Walter Eugene O'Reilly. Radar's my nickname"
"Well, we're a Jeep full of nicknames, aren't we?" ranted Hawkeye "Speaking of Jeeps, can this one go any faster? Yankee Doodle can go faster than this riding a pony while sticking a feather in his cap and calling it macaroni"
"Watcha going?" asked Radar
"10 miles per hour"
"Wow! 10! The guy at the motor pool can only get up to 5! You're a good Jeep driver, Hawkeye!"
Hawkeye was about to answer when Trapper cut him off "When he starts ranting like that, ignore him. He'll be back to his normal, charming self in no time. Anyway, why Radar?"
Radar smiled shyly "I'm Radar because sometimes, I know what's going to happen before it happens…" he trailed off, staring at the sky, mesmerized. "Stop the Jeep!" he yelled suddenly, still staring at the sky.
"What, am I going over the speed limit?" Hawkeye retorted
"No, choppers" Radar answered absentmindedly
"I don't hear them" Hawkeye accused.
Radar snapped back " Wait for it!" He jumped out of the Jeep and ran to a set of doors screaming "Choppers!"
Hawkeye and Trapper sat in the Jeep, looking from each other to the sky and back. Hawkeye started laughing and was about to say something when he was distracted by some movement in the sky. Helicopters were coming from all over and were landing at a place Hawkeye and Trapper couldn't see. Suddenly, the intercom blared "Attention all personnel, incoming wounded! All teams report to the compound!"
Trapper and Hawkeye still sat in the Jeep. Finally, Trapper spoke what they both were thinking "Oh my God…"
"You can say that again" murmured Hawkeye
"Oh my God…"
There were many people in army drab running around now. Ambulances had pulled up and the people were pulling open the doors to reveal bloody and broken bodies. The people who had gone up to the chopper pad now came down again with more bloody and broken bodies.
The two men looked at the mayhem and madness that was now surrounding them. "What do we do?" asked Trapper.
"I don't know. I don't work here" said Hawkeye.
"You do now" interrupted Radar, who had returned from wherever he had gone, without Hawkeye and Trapper noticing. "Come on" he said "I'll show you were you can scrub up to operate on people who need operating on"
"Shouldn't we help with this?" Trapper gestured around them.
"It's called triage" Radar informed him importantly "That's when…"
"We know. Doctors, remember?" Trapper reminded him.
"Oh yeah. Well, come on"
"You sure we shouldn't help?" spoke Hawkeye, glancing at Radar
"Colonel Blake said no" Radar said "He said, 'Major Burns and I can handle it, Radar. Just show em where to scrub up'. Yup, that's what Colonel Blake said"
"Which one's Colonel Blake?" asked Trapper.
"You see the tallish one with the potbelly?"
"The confused-looking one?"
"Yup, that's Colonel Blake" Radar said proudly.
"Which one's Major Burns?" asked Hawkeye
"You see the one with no lips and chin?" asked Radar, absently.
"That's Major Burns?" laughed Trapper, incredulously.
"Yup, that's 'Ferret Face' Burns"
"Ferret Face!" laughed Hawkeye
Radar's eyes widened in shock "Oh gee, I hope he didn't hear me! Major Burns hates enlisted men and makes their lives miserable. Everyone hates him here, 'cept for Major Houlihan…little hanky panky after 'Taps', if you catch my drift"
"So I take it this Major Houlihan's a girl" questioned Trapper.
"See the blonde?"
Trapper nodded
"That's Major Houlihan, blonde, long legs, great body"
Trapper grinned "So, she good at you know what?"
Radar looked at Trapper, horrified "Are you kidding me! Major Houlihan hates my guts and everything around them! She's Regular Army! Only person she gets along with is Major Burns!"
"Does everyone here hate you, Radar?" asked Trapper
"I don't think so. Just the Majors. They hate me cuz I'm just a Corporal and they're Majors. I'd better get you two to the scrub room. Leave your gear, we'll find you quarters after OR"
Radar and Trapper walked toward the scrub room, Hawkeye following, walking backwards, staring back at triage "You're right" he said suddenly "He does look like a ferret!"
"Henry, who are those two doctors in the OR?" Major Frank Burns whispered to Colonel Henry Blake urgently. They were standing near the doors to the OR watching the two strangers work.
Colonel Blake turned to Major Burns, exasperatedly "They're doctors, Frank. Do you know what a doctor is or do I have to explain it to you?"
"Of course I know what a doctor is!" Major Burns whispered loudly "I am a doctor! I'm not as stupid as I look!" Burns screwed up his face to ponder what he'd said.
"You're not as stupid as you look huh, Frank? Well, you look pretty dammed stupid to me!" mumbled Colonel Blake under his breath
Major Burns snapped out of his revile "Did you say something, Henry?"
"Oh nothing Frank. Nothing at all"
"Why are they here, Henry?" demanded Major Burns "We were doing just fine before these two nincompoops showed up!"
Colonel Blake stared at Major Burns "The 'we' you refer to Frank, was me. I would operate on my half of the casualities, while you would perform your sorry excuse for surgery, botch up your work, and I would have to go save your ass all the time! So, I would have to do my work, then go and fix yours! I don't have the time for that! You might not think we need more surgeons, but I do and you're not the CO, I am, so my opinion matters more than yours do, OK Frank?! Boy, I'd hate to see what would happen to this place if you were in command…"
"I take offense at that!" yelled Major Burns
"As you should, Major, as you should…" said a new voice silkly. The voice belonging to Major Margaret Houlihan, Head Nurse. She went to stand on the other side of Colonel Blake, whom she addressed "Colonel, your remarks were uncalled for and you should apologize to Major Burns immediately or I'll report you to General Embry!"
"For what, Major, hurting the feelings of a fellow officer?" snorted Colonel Blake.
Major Houlihan sputtered a bit before speaking again, this time in a nicer tone "Who are they, Henry? What's their rank? They have nice hands"
"Not as good as mine, right?" Major Burns asked
"Later, Frank" responded Major Houlihan, through gritted teeth
"They're both Captains. One's Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, the other's Captain John McIntyre. I…uh…don't know which one's which…" admitted Colonel Blake.
"We're interchangeable" joked Hawkeye, joining in the conversation, which they had been listening to for the whole time.
"Seriously, though, I'm John McIntyre" spoke up Trapper "That tall, dark stranger over there is Benjamin Franklin Pierce"
"Call me Hawkeye"
"Why Hawkeye?" asked Major Houlihan, interestedly
Hawkeye smiled "Dad's favorite book was The Last of the Mohicans. The only book he reads.
"You can call me Trapper" said that man.
"Why Trapper?" Major Houlihan narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
Trapper smirked and looked at Hawkeye before turning back to Major Houlihan and saying "It's a rather long story having to do with me, a woman, a train going to Maine from Boston and a chase around said train that ended up in the bathroom where she started yelling 'He trapped me! He trapped me!'" Trapper and Hawkeye started to laugh maniacally.
"THAT'S VULGAR!!" yelled Major Houlihan angrily "THAT STORY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN TOLD IN A LADY'S PRESENCE!"
Trapper smirked, turned to Hawkeye and muttered "Hey, Hawk, what lady?"
Major Houlihan turned bright red in anger "I HEARD THAT YOU LOUSY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, NEVER MIND A DOCTOR! HENRY!" she turned to Henry Blake "I INSIST WE GIVE THESE TWO DEGINERATES BACK TO THE ARMY AND GET NEW ONES!"
"Sorry, Major, we're non-refundable" spoke up Hawkeye
"Yep, you're stuck with us till the end of the war" Trapper said
"Or until we get a discharge, whichever comes first"
"One of those will come sooner or later"
"I hope sooner rather than later, I wanna get out of here"
"Amen to that" muttered Henry
"I'm shocked at that exchange!" yelled Major Houlihan "You should be proud to be in this man's army!"
Hawkeye smirked "If this is this man's army, what are you doing here, ma'am?"
Major Houlihan smiled sarcastically "I'll ignore that crack, Captain. What I'm doing here is the same thing that everyone's doing, helping patch up our brave men so they can march heroically back into battle and kill the enemy" she said proudly.
Hawkeye glared at Major Houlihan, no smiles anywhere on his ruggedly handsome face, for the first time since he had gotten to the compound "That might be what you're doing here, Major, but that's not what I'm doing here. From what I've seen so far, I'm supposed to be helping patch up our scared little boys so they can limp fearfully back into battle so they can get themselves killed at a more convenient time!" You think war is all heroic and noble, don't you? Well, let me tell you something, Major, it's not! War is ugly! War is killing, plain and simple! Senseless killing! And let me tell you another thing! All war is is a bunch of sacred little kids going off on what they think is a heroic escapade, but find out that all they're here to do is kill a group of people for a reason they don't know! And to make matters worse for them, that group of people is trying to kill them for a reason they don't know! And the worst part is…let me tell you the worst part Little Miss War is Noble and Good, 9 times out of 10 someone succeeds!" Hawkeye sunk into a deep revile and started operating angrily. Everyone in the room looked down at each other, then down. No one spoke.
Finally, Blake broke the silence "All right people," he said as he started to walk towards a table "let's get to work"
12 hours later, Hawkeye banged through the double doors into the changing room, irritably. He was still angry about the exchange between himself and Major Houlihan back in the OR. How could anyone think that? How could anyone think that getting shot at in battle was an honor? It wasn't an honor, it was suicide. Hawkeye angrily took off his scrub shirt and threw it in the general direction of the dirty scrub basket. He was usually good at this, but today it sailed right past the basket, landing at Trapper's feet, which had come with his body into the room
"Are you still mad about the stuff Houlihan was saying in there?" Trapper asked his friend. Hawkeye didn't answer. He sat on a bench on the other side of the room. Trapper stepped over the shirt and sat down next to Hawkeye "Listen, Hawk, don't listen to Major Houlihan. Remember what Radar said? She's Regular Army. She's programmed to think that way". Hawkeye smiled in spite of himself and Trapper smiled too "I knew I could get you to smile, but I'm serious. She was born and raised in the Army surrounded by people who thought the same things she thinks. It's not her fault she thinks all that she said in there was true, it was drilled into her. She was taught to think like that. Maybe a few months with us will teach her to sing a different tune" he said optimistically
"Maybe" nodded Hawkeye "All I know is I'm not gonna let Major Margaret "I love war" Houlihan get me mad when she starts talking about how good war is anymore"
"Good for you"
Hawkeye started to smile deviously
"What?" asked Trapper "What is it?"
"You know what we should do?"
"What?"
"We should do something to Houlihan that would make her life totally miserable"
Trapper smiled a mirror image of Hawkeye's devious smile "Like that thing we did to that nurse in med school?"
Hawkeye burst into laughter "You mean that thing with the fake urinary sample we switched her afternoon drink with, then reported missing?"
Trapper laughed "That's the one! We were the biggest practical jokers, weren't we then?"
Hawkeye laughed too "Yep! Then and I hope still now. But let's do something a little less juvenile then switching fake urine with a drink
"Good idea. What should we do?"
"I dunno" shrugged Hawkeye "Maybe something having to do with that affair between Margaret and Frank Burns Radar was telling us about"
"What should we do?"
"I don't know, but we'll think of something, we always do" grinned Trapper "You know what? We should go to that Rosie's Bar to brainstorm
"Good idea. Let's go"
They began to change as Henry Blake dragged himself into the room. He stepped on Hawkeye's forgotten scrub shirt like it wasn't even there and collapsed onto the bench opposite the one Hawkeye and Trapper were sitting on, pulling off his cloth operating hat and dropping it onto the floor next to the shirt. He leaned back and closed his eyes "Boy am I beat" he mumbled.
"Are all the sessions like that?" Hawkeye asked "That…long?"
Henry opened one eye and fixed it on Hawkeye "Nope. Some are longer"
"Longer!" yelled Trapper in outrage "How can it go on for longer than that! You'd better be kidding me, Henry!"
"Sorry to disappoint you, McIntyre, but I'm not. Some sessions have been longer than 72 hours"
"72 hours!" Trapper yelled "72 hours standing up!"
"Well you get breaks…" said Henry "but, maybe the sessions won't be as long as that because we have more cutters instead of one surgeon and the malpractice poster boy over there" he indicated where Frank Burns was standing out of earshot near the doors with Margaret Houlihan, whispering into her ear something that the three surgeons couldn't hear, but was making Margaret smile fondly.
Hawkeye turned back to Henry as the two Majors walked out the door "Is he really that bad?"
"Worse" answered Henry "Didn't you see him in there? He was dropping instruments left and right, and not all of them on the floor either. Frank, of course, being Frank, blames the nurses. I have to pull rank on him to leave the OR. Frank's one of those types that thinks he's regular Army, so he always listens when someone pulls rank."
"Good thing you did. I was afraid he was going to sew his fingers together" said Trapper
Henry opened one eye and focused it on Trapper "Oh he has"
"Really?" Trapper grinned in surprise
"Yep" Henry nodded eagerly
"How did an incompetent like that become a doctor anyway?" asked Hawkeye
Henry shrugged his shoulders "Don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised if he bought the answers to his medical exams or something"
"So how many people did Frank and his ten deadly fingers kill today?" asked Hawkeye
"Only one today," mumbled Henry "That's good for him, but on the other hand, he wasn't in the OR for the full 12 hours"
"12 hours…" Trapper shook his curly blonde head "Still can't get over the fact that there's going to be longer sessions than that…"
"Welcome to a MASH unit" said Henry "You'd better get used to it, McIntyre, cause that's the way it is. But, there's some times we don't get casualties for weeks. You may be finding yourself doing some pre-tty strange things during those periods, my friends. You may be bored out of your little minds, but you're going to enjoy them because there's no one dying around you. Enjoy those free periods when you get them. Like this one. Any time you're not operating or in Post-OP, it's free time, and I plan to enjoy each and ev-er-y one. So welcome to your first free period" Henry leaned back and closed his eyes again.
Trapper and Hawkeye looked at each other before turning back to Henry. Hawkeye spoke "Hey, Henry. Me and Hawk here were going to Rosie's Bar to get bombed out of our skulls. Wanna join us?"
Henry smiled "Sure. Lemme just have Radar show you your bunkhouse so you have a place to collapse after we're done…Rada…"
"Yes sir?" Radar walked into the changing room. Hawkeye and Trapper burst out laughing
Henry glared at the two "You think that's so funny, eh? Try having to deal with it every day!"
"I'm sorry, sir. I don't want you to have to call me again if I know you're going to call me" apologized Radar innocently
As Henry was puzzling out this statement, Hawkeye stood up and said to Radar "Come Kato and show us to our quarters"
Radar stared "Excuse me, sir?"
Hawkeye rolled his eyes "OK Radar, before the next time I see you, I want you to learn the definition of the word 'joke'. If I'm going to be forced to stay in this upholstered toilet, you're gonna have to learn half the things that come out of my mouth aren't even meant to be taken seriously"
Recognition dawned on the young Corporal's face "So the thing you were saying to Major Houlihan in the OR…"
"…is a touchy subject" interrupted Trapper "Can you show us to the tent, Radar?"
"Right away, Captain McIntyre"
Trapper stood up and put his hands on Radar's shoulders "OK Radar, first rule of hanging out with me and Hawkeye is titles mean nothing to us. We don't even want to be here, so why would we want to be called by our rank? I'm Trapper, he's Hawkeye, got that Radar?"
Radar smiled. He had never had friends above his rank before Hawkeye and Trapper had gotten there. Majors Burns and Houlihan had made sure of that. But now, Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly of Ottumwa, Iowa had some friends. "Got it Cap…er…Trapper"
Trapper smiled too "Good. Let's go"
Hawkeye and Trapper started follow Radar out of the scrub room. Hawkeye stopped and turned around to address Henry "Hey, Henry, you coming?"
"Uh…yeah…in a minute, Pierce. I'll meet you outside in a minute" he said, waving his hand distractedly
Hawkeye and Trapper exchanged looks and exited. As they were about to leave, they heard Henry mutter "Now what did Radar mean by that statement?"
A couple minutes later, after Hawkeye and Trapper collected their bags from their jeep, they and Radar entered Tent # 7, a rather large tent in the middle of the compound, nearby the OR, office and Post-OP buildings. Inside, they found Frank Burns and Margaret Houlihan sitting side by side on Frank's cot, rather close to each other, their faces an inch apart, if that. Both their jackets were off and their arms were wrapped around each other.
Radar spoke up "All right guys, here's your tent"
"Thanks Radar" said Hawkeye and Trapper in unison
"You're sharing it with Major Burns" continued Radar, glancing out of the corner of his eye at the two Majors, who were trying unsuccessfully to move away from each other. They kept bumping body parts and grabbing the wrong jackets.
Houlihan glanced up at Radar, who had gone from a glance at the two Majors, to a flat out stare. She glared at him. Radar jumped a foot into the air and ran out yelling "Excuse me sirs!" over his shoulder
"I'm a ma'am!" yelled Houlihan after Radar.
Burns spoke to Hawkeye and Trapper "Are you two making friends with that nearsighted Corporal?"
"Yeah, what's it to ya?" responded Trapper
"Because you two are Captains. O'Reilly is a Corporal. It is not appropriate for a Corporal to become friends with two Captains" explained Burns, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Hawkeye glared at Burns "Oh come off it, Frank!"
"That, Captain is inappropriate also" Houlihan responded silkily "Calling a person of higher rank by their first name"
Hawkeye fixed his glare on her now "You know what, Margaret?"
"Major" snapped Margaret
"You know what, Margaret? I've never been in a war before, but I've heard they can last a while. Now I seriously doubt we're ever gonna be friends, but we can be friendly, while we're stuck together, or at least civil. You know, to make our stay in General McArthur's Three-Ring Circus a little more bearable. And that includes being on a first name basis"
Margaret glared "I don't want to be on a first name basis with you, Captain. The Army does not allow it. I don't want to be friends, or even friendly with you. I don't want to be friendly with anyone here"
Trapper smirked "With the exception of Frank here of course". He gestured to where Frank was still trying to disentangle himself with Margaret. "You two looked pretty close when we came in"
"We weren't doing anything!" protested Frank
"Then why were your jackets off?" sang Hawkeye, with an innocent tone in his voice that fooled nobody.
"We were hot!" yelled Margaret
"In more ways than one" Trapper muttered, glancing at Hawkeye
"You two should wash your minds out with soap!" yelled Margaret "For your information, Major Burns and I were going over tomorrow's duty roster"
"You mean the one Radar hasn't typed out yet?" said Henry, entering the tent.
"She mean…uh…she meant…" sputtered Frank.
"Are you two going to be ready to go before the war ends?" Henry asked Hawkeye and Trapper.
"Almost" answered Trapper "We just need to unpack"
"Unpack!" protested Henry "That will take a long time, won't it? I don't know about you guys but I need a drink so bad I can't even tell you how bad I need a drink"
"You're turning into an alcoholic, Henry" said Margaret smugly
"I thought you weren't supposed to call someone of higher rank by their first name" Trapper smirked
"Well…um…er…" Margaret stuttered. She turned to Frank and said more confidently "You know, Major Burns, since you will be sharing your tent, we should move our…er…our patient analysis discussions to my tent to protect…patient confidentiality"
"Oh no, we can't have that" piped up Hawkeye sarcastically "Don't move your obviously extremely important medical meetings on our account. There's nothing more important than the medicine you're practicing"
"And whatever else they're practicing" mumbled Henry
"Colonel Blake!" started Margaret angrily.
"I hate to interrupt what appears what appears to be an interesting argument, but Trap here and I have a date with Henry, so we're gonna have to steal him away" interrupted Hawkeye
"Yeah, it's time for Henry's afternoon medicine of an alcoholic beverage of his choice" added Trapper, trying to hide a chuckle
Henry laughed "Pierce, McIntyre, you are the limit. Life's gonna be a lot more interesting with you two around, that's for darn tooting sure"
"Oh thank you Henry" grinned Hawkeye "Now, for our next trick, before disappearing out of this toilet that's disguised as a tent, Trap and I are going to unpack"
Margaret and Frank looked confused "Can you two ever make sense?" asked Margaret irritated
"I can barely make change, never mind sense" responded Hawkeye
"I don't even know what making sense is. Do you Hawkeye?" put in Trapper
"Sorry no" smiled Hawkeye "And now, to unpack"
Trapper walked over to the suitcases, picked one up and threw it to Hawkeye.
"Oh thank you"
"No thank you"
"No, I insist, thank you"
"No, I insist, thank you. Which bed do you want?"
Hawkeye pondered this a moment before choosing the bed nearest the door. Trapper walked over to the bed on the same side of the tent as Hawkeye's was. He stood at the foot of the bed and he was facing Hawkeye. Hawkeye did the same. They both nodded their heads once, and entirely in unison, began unpacking. Bathroom supplies like razors, shaving cream and soap, along with books and a few other things on the makeshift wooden shelves hanging on the wall; combat helmets on a hook next to the shelves; bathrobes on hooks on the pole in the middle of the room; shower shoes thrown onto the floor haphazardly. Finally all that was left was clothes. Still in unison, as if almost musical, Hawkeye and Trapper picked up their suitcases, turned them over and shook out the contents, which landed on the bed, on the floor, under the bed…They hadn't looked at the Majors or Henry ever since they had began. Now, they pictured the looks on their faces as they turned around to face the real things. The looks were almost how Hawkeye and Trapper had pictured them. The Majors' faces were puce with rage. Henry, however, was looking from the beds to the Majors and looking like he was trying very hard not to laugh but the sputters that passed through his lips told the people in the tent that he was not succeeding. Hawkeye and Trapper picked that moment to start towards the door, nodding to Henry to follow.
"Don't step one foot out of that door, Captains, or you'll be court-martialed before you can say MacArthur!" threatened Margaret, coming out of her stupor. She attempted to move, but found she was connected to Frank. They both began fumbling to disconnect themselves amongst the whoops of laughter from Hawkeye and Trapper and chortling from Henry. Finally, Margaret managed to disentangle herself from Frank and walked over to Hawkeye and Trapper and drew herself up to her full height, about 5'5.
"Court-martialed, Mrs. MacArthur?" Hawkeye asked sarcastically "For what, Major? A messy room?"
"I won't court-martial you if you two go and remove your clothing from the floor and put them in the right places"
"No Mother" laughed Trapper
"I-Corps would laugh their heads off if you ever requested court-martials for that purpose" Henry smiled
"If this is part of your plan to get me and Trap here out of this unit, I see a few loopholes in it" smirked Hawkeye
"Besides," put in Trapper "Our clothing is in the right places. Each piece is exactly where we want it"
Margaret groaned and stormed out in a huff. Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry laughed.
"Let's get out of here" said Trapper and began to walk out
"No, wait" Hawkeye put a hand on his friend's shoulder to stop him
Trapper turned "What?"
"We should come up with a name for this place" Hawkeye looked around "Something that describes the décor"
"Hmmm" pondered Trapper "The Pit" he said finally. Hawkeye waved that suggestion away. "The Latrine" Trapper tried again
"Taken. Wait, I've got it!"
"What what?"
Hawkeye grinned "You ready for this? The SWAMP"
Trapper smiled "Hey, I like it. That name has a certain…a certain…"
"A certain je ne sais quois about it" suggested Hawkeye
"Exactly!"
"What do you think, Henry?" asked Hawkeye
"I like it" grinned Henry "But how are people gonna know the name of the place that we're in?"
"We'll make a sign" answered Hawkeye promptly "I can see it now hanging on the door 'The SWAMP'" he gestured with his hands where the sign would go dramatically
"Hey, Frank, what do you think?' asked Trapper, grinning
Frank screwed up his face ("A sign he's thinking hard" suggested Hawkeye), making his beety little eyes disappear so they looked smaller than usual "I don't want to live in a place called 'The SWAMP'" he said finally
"Sorry, Frank two against one, majority rules" smirked Hawkeye
"Majority?" said Frank confusedly "But how can it be majority, I'm the Major"
Hawkeye started to laugh "Majority, Frank, has nothing to do with your rank. Majority means most of the people in a group of people agree. Come on Trap, Henry, let's leave 'The SWAMP' before I start telling Ol' Ferret Face here the definitions of the words 'cat' 'rat' and 'dog'"
This being said, Hawkeye and Trapper left the tent, now lovingly nicknamed 'The SWAMP'. Henry however was still standing in the tent trying very hard, yet again, not to laugh. He knew that if he moved he would start to laugh and he hated to laugh at his fellow doctors in front of them. He preferred to do it behind their backs, but if he moved he would laugh. Finally, Henry came up with a solution to his dilemma "Hey Frank," he said "turn around for a second". Frank, trained to take orders, turned around, confusedly so his back was to Henry. Henry began to laugh and laugh and laugh. He ran out of 'The SWAMP' when the laughter was all out of his system, leaving behind one very confused Frank Burns.
A few minutes later, Hawkeye, Trapper and Henry walked into Rosie's Bar. "Welcome to Rosie's" Henry smiled "Ooh, I've gotten sloshed here a time or two…"
"Or twelve" mumbled Hawkeye
"Can it Pierce and that's an order! I don't know how you know about my drinking habits considering you haven't been here a day yet, but sometimes, you'll learn, when you're here, so close to the front, sometimes you just need to…"
"Hey, there's Radar" cut in Trapper.
The three walked over to the bar, where the corporal was sitting alone at the bar, talking to the woman behind it.
"Hi Radar, care to join us?" invited Henry
Radar looked up at them with a scared expression on his face "I can't" he whispered "Hawkeye told me to learn the definition of the word 'joke' before the next time I see him and I haven't yet"
Hawkeye laughed "Radar, Radar, that too was a joke" he put an arm around Radar "You've got a lot to learn, and to do that, my young friend, you've got to hang around me if you want to catch on to these things"
"Oh, I guess I can then" said Radar, the scared expression on his face, now replaced by one of embarrassment.
"What will you have to drink?" asked the woman behind the bar
"Oh, guys, this is Rosie. Rosie," introduced Henry "These are Captains Pierce…"
"And these are Captains McIntyre" interrupted Hawkeye, making Henry glare at him.
"And call us Hawkeye and Trapper" offered Trapper
"Which is which?"
"I'm Trapper, you can figure out the rest"
"So what will you have to drink?"
"Two martinis, painfully dry" said Hawkeye, inserting a pretzel into his mouth "Henry, what'll you have?"
"Beer"
"OK, Radar, what's that you're drinking?"
"She knows what I'm drinking" mumbled Radar
Rosie rolled her eyes "One Grape Nehi in a shot glass"
Hawkeye burst out laughing "Grape Nehi in a shot glass!"
"It's to impress girls" started Radar, his cheeks flaming red "They'll think I'm drinking something strong, but I'm not really"
"One Grape Nehi in a shot glass for Corporal O'Reilly" called out Hawkeye "and for his next drink, Scotch in a Grape Nehi bottle!"
"Now cut that out!" whispered Radar in his best death whisper
"Radar, no one will think you're a wimp if you drink Grape Nehi" said Henry "Has a woman ever come over and started talking to you because of what you're drinking?"
"No"
"That's my point, Radar. No one cares what you drink. Do you guys care what he drinks?" Henry asked Hawkeye and Trapper
"No" they answered
"See Radar," said Henry, turning back to the said man "They don't care what you drink. I don't care what you drink. And as for women , they should be attracted to you for who you are, not what you drink, so here" Henry reached behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of Grape Nehi "drink what you want to drink, not what you think others want you to drink, which actually isn't what they want you to drink at all, because they don't care what you drink"
Radar smiled and reached out for the bottle, but Henry didn't give it to him. He was standing there, holding out the Grape Nehi bottle with a blank expression on his face.
"Uh…Henry…" called Hawkeye
"Hey, Henry, what's the matter?" questioned Trapper
"The matter, McIntyre, is I have no idea what I just said" muttered Henry
Hawkeye and Trapper both burst out laughing, while Radar merely rolled his eyes and Henry looked a bit sheepish as he handed the Grape Nehi over to Radar.
Rosie came back with the drinks then "Two martinis, extra dry, one beer and one Grape Nehi in shot glass" she said as she placed the drinks in front of the appropriate person.
"No thanks Rosie" smiled Radar "I don't need that anymore"
"Yeah. Our little Radar can drink a whole bottle now" piped up Hawkeye
"Hawkeye!"
"Good," said Rosie "I'm sick of having your half-empty Grape Nehi bottles everywhere!" With this said, she went to serve another customer.
"Shall we sit at the table?" Hawkeye gestured to a table near the bar
"Why not?" agreed Henry "If we're gonna get bombed, we might as well do it sitting down"
Radar sat with his back to the bar, Henry sat across from him and Hawkeye and Trapper sat on the other sides of the table.
"Another round of drinks over here, Rosie" ordered Trapper. He and Hawkeye had practically downed their drinks.
"Wow, you two are going to have not problem with this getting bombed thing…." mumbled Henry and then belted back the rest of his beer to show he didn't have a problem getting drunk either
"Another round…" said Radar, in disbelief "My teeth are going to turn purple!"
"Tell people you're having them amputated later" suggested Hawkeye
"Very funny, Hawkeye" Radar rolled his eyes. Hawkeye grinned.
Rosie had just gotten back to the bar after her trip to the table when loud explosions sounded from outside the building. Or at least it seemed, to the people inside the bar, that that's where the explosions were coming from. A few girls screamed.
"Under the tables!" ordered Henry, going as far into 'Colonel-mode' as he ever did. The three men with him obeyed, as did the other occupants of the bar. As suddenly as the explosions started, they stopped. "All clear!" yelled out Henry, after waiting a few minutes after the explosions stopped to make sure they had indeed stopped, and climbed out from under the table. The people in the bar went about their business
"What the hell was that?" asked Trapper loudly, climbing out from under the table too". Hawkeye and Radar followed suit.
"That, my friends, was your first artillery barrage" said Henry
"First!" yelled Trapper, in disbelief "You mean there's going to be more where that came from?"
"Most likely, McIntyre. They happen from time to time around here. 2-3 times a week, sometimes more"
"Can't you do anything about them?"
Henry shook his head "Radar's called around to try to get it moved, but the people he's talked to has done everything from claiming it's not there to saying they can't move it for one reason or another. So we're stuck with it"
"Didn't you tell them this is a hospital and we can't have critical patients rolling out of bed because two groups of idiots want to play war!" outraged Trapper "And what about the kids who just got off the front lines? They could hear the bombs and their sub-conscience could think they're back on the front lines and the kids'll panic, Didja think of that, Henry?!"
"Of course I thought of that, McIntyre!" yelled Henry "I'm a doctor too, remember? Don't you think all of those things that you just beautifully rubbed into my face ran through my head too when I was talking to that infuriating Colonel-What's-His-Face?! If you had to ask that, you must think I'm a total and complete idiot!"
"I don't think you're an idiot, Henry" Trapper said quietly
"And another thing, McIntyre, as much as I hate to admit it, the idiots you referred to before aren't playing war, they're in a war"
Trapper stared into his half-empty martini glass and started swishing the contents around in the glass morosely "I'm sorry, Henry"
Henry shook his head "Nah. I'm sorry I bit your head off, but you have to learn this one little rule about war, that most people have to learn the hard way, but you're in luck, you won't have to. You listen up too, Pierce. That rule is no matter how much destruction and suffering we see here, you can't get rid of it all. Sure, I know what you're thinking, cause what you're thinking is what I was thinking when I first got here. You're thinking 'We're doctors, why can't we get rid of it all?' and the answer's simple. Though we're doctors, we're also humans. We can't fix everything. There's nothing we can do about the artillery barrages. I've had everyone in camp with any influence at I-Corps whatsoever call. Frank even insisted on having a go, but he has as much influence at I-Corps as I have at my wife's bridge club. I've tried everything, but there's nothing we can do about this, so I guess we have to get used to it"
"Get used to artillery barrages" mused Trapper "We're gonna get shot at on a daily basis practically and we're gonna have to pretend it's not there. I don't think I'm gonna be able to get used to it"
Hawkeye had been in a pensive silence through the whole conversation. He looked around the bar with a wide-eyed look on his face "What the hell is this place?" He whispered.
"You just said it" Henry met his eyes "Hell"
"No, I mean, what is this place? Why are we here? What's the point of us being here?"
"Here we go again" mumrmered Trapper quietly, though he believed in all the things about war that Hawkeye did and liked to hear him talk about it
"We're in a war, I get that part, but why?" continued Hawkeye "Or more appropriately, who? Who would come up with the idea to invade a country or anything for that matter, if it cost people their lives? And why is the US here? Why are we here? This has nothing to do with us, so why are kids being sent over here to get killed for a cause that they're not involved in? And kids, dammit, kids! Kids in the prime of their life being killed in a fight that doesn't involve them! This war doesn't have thing one to do with us. We don't even get anything out of it in the end, so what's the point of having kids die in vain? It reminds me of…wanna know what this reminds me of? It's like a fight on a playground. Two little kids fighting over something-or-the-other and another kid, who has nothing to do with the fight comes in and starts to defend one of the kids. Then, another kid, who also has nothing to do with the fight comes in and starts to defend the other kid and then before you know it, the playground's divided in two and at war. The only difference is, well, there's two differences, one is they have no weapons that will kill and the other is at the end, when one group finally wins, the whole group gets control of the playground. In a war, only the winning person who began the fight gets control and the rest of the winning group gets nothing except death. I propose a toast," Hawkeye said suddenly and stood and raised his glass. The other three followed suit. "I propose a toast to, to the Army and its infinite insanity, sending children to fight another's fight, to the war, may it rot in hell for all time and may this be the end of all wars. To the soldiers on the front line, may they see their families again. To the families who might lose their loved ones forever. To the bullets that kill those children and that we have to take out and, most of all, to the sound that we dread, the sound I already dread and I've only been here a day, the sound that tells you that more innocent people are near death and we have to show how to live, my friends, I give you the ugly, hideous sound of…" Hawkeye trailed off, distracted by the look of concentration on Radar's face. Concentrating on something no one else could hear. Radar stopped concentrating and looked straight into Hawkeye's saddened bright blue eyes. Hawkeye closed these eyes and took a deep breath. Trapper was swishing his martini around in his glass again, Henry was biting his lower lip and Radar was fiddling with the brim of his hat, that he had taken off when Hawkeye had begun his toast. Hawkeye opened his eyes to meet the others'.
As one, the four men looked at each other, deep into one another's eyes. They held their glasses together, never taking their eyes off each other, not even to blink and said at the same time "To choppers".
Wordlessly, they put down their glasses and walked single file out of Rosie's, ready, and yet not ready to face the mass destruction that lay before them.