A/N: Naruto readers, hello! It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, I suppose you guys might not know me- this is my first time writing about the Akatsuki; don't worry, everyone's still alive and kicking. So keep that in mind if anything seems OOC! This is rated T for their sailor talk, by the way. Speaking will take place as follows: "Talk a talk a talk," and thinking as: 'Thinker thinker thought,'.
Disclaimer: Do you see any ownership here? I don't. Naruto belongs to Mr. Kishimoto-san (and yes, I'm aware that I just said Mr. Mr. Kishimoto :D) and Viz Media, I guess. I also don't own Ebay or any board games mentioned below.
Family Comes In All Packages
Akatsuki Base 255-X was unusually crowded with members, most of them unaware of why they were even there. The rather large group of men and Konan all gathered in what was considered the living room, chatting aimlessly while waiting for Pain to speak.
"It has been a long, long time since we've all been together like this," the orange haired leader said once everyone was quiet.
"Actually, it's only been a couple months. We were all in Base 17-R four months ago for the annual Christmas Party!" Tobi shouted while flailing his arms.
"Remember? It was really fun, and we had that sake contest and the winner got to take pictures of-"
"Never mind that, un!" Deidara's hand shot forward and covered Tobi's mouth. Kisame and Hidan snickered while Kakuzu grimaced.
"…Okaaaay….anyway, the reason why you've all been called here is because Kisame needs us. Go ahead and explain, Kisame, because I don't really care enough to do it myself," Pain settled into the couch next to Konan.
The other Akatsuki members all gaped at the half shark man; Kisame never asked for anything, let alone help. Kisame made a face but reluctantly rose to his feet.
"Okay, well here's what happened: I got a letter from my folks the other day, reminding me about our yearly Family Reunion. Everybody takes turns hosting it, and this year it's my turn. So I was thinking I could hold it here," he explained.
"Why the hell do you have to have it here? Like we want to meet your freaky family!" Hidan uttered.
"I have to have it here; in fact, it's vital that my family sees our hideout and meets you guys," Kisame wondered if he'd have to get down and beg.
"Why do you have to have it here, Kisame?" Itachi asked, hiding the curiosity in his voice.
"Promise me you all won't die of shock," Kisame glanced at each member individually.
"Just spit it out," Zetsu's black half snapped impatiently.
"I am the prodigy of my clan," Kisame admitted. Moments of silence passed before the group started laughing out loud.
"That's a good one Kisame!" Tobi yelled. He was literally rolling on the floor laughing.
"I'm serious!" Kisame snapped, a vein in his forehead popping.
"If you say so," Itachi snickered.
"Anyway, why do you want to have your Family Reunion here?" Sasori questioned.
"About that, um, you see, my parents don't know that I'm a member of the Akatsuki. So I kinda told them…that I run a home for the poor, hungry, and mentally unbalanced," Kisame rubbed the back of his head.
"OH HELL NO!" the other members screamed.
"Please! Just go along with it for a couple hours! I'm begging!" Kisame dropped to his knees and bowed his head. Everyone looked towards Pain.
"As much as I hate the idea, we can't ignore a brother in need," Pain sighed.
"You're only saying that because Kisame has blackmail pictures from the Christmas Party," Konan said, raising an eyebrow at the horrified look on Pain's face.
"I told you to delete those!" he hissed.
"Hidan sold them on Ebay, un," Deidara piped up.
"I swear in the name of Jashin that I didn't! Zetsu ate them for a bet and then spat them back out again!" Hidan leaned away from Zetsu, who looked murderous.
"Listen up! We are having that damn reunion here, and that's final. Just tell them what to do Kisame," with a wave of his hand Pain left the entire Akatsuki to Kisame's disposal.
"Thank you Pain!" Kisame shouted as he jumped to his feet.
"…Yeah, you're going to need to not do that. It's kinda freaky and out of character…" Pain frowned.
"Right. Well now we have to decide who's poor, who's hungry, and who's nuts. Any takers?" Kisame looked around and to his dismay didn't see a single hand.
"Oh-oh-oh-OH! Me! Pick me Kisame! I wanna be nuts! Then I'll be full of fiber! Me! Pick me!" Tobi stared jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air excitedly.
"Eh, yeah, sure. Tobi, you can be crazy, since you're not that far off anyway. Now we need some poor people, hungry beggars, and maybe another nut job. Let's see…Kakuzu, Hidan, Konan, you three can be poor. Pain, Sasori, and Itachi, you guys are hungry. That leaves Deidara and Zetsu to join Tobi as the crazies," Kisame winced as everyone started shouting at one time.
"Look, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it's going to be. Now can you all stop your girly-ass whining and help me get things ready?" the blue skinned man snapped. He started passing out paper to different members.
"These are your list of chores. Make sure they're done perfectly, okay? We'll meet back here in two hours. Go!" with a sigh the Akatsuki looked over their lists and scattered.
~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~
Two hours later, Kisame stepped back to admire his work. Clear tubes now ran throughout the entire base, all connected and filled with water.
'Now to check on the others,' he thought, stepping over the tubes and walking to the kitchen.
"Deidara, how's the food coming?" Kisame's nose twitched as it was tickled by a familiar smell. If only the same could be said for his stomach, which knotted up instantly.
"It's all done Kisame, un! I've prepared a delicious meal fit for a king!" the blond haired boy grinned. He was wearing a crisp white apron that said: Kiss the Artistic Cook, Un! and his hair was pulled back into a bun covered with a hair net. Serving plate upon serving plate sat on top every counter space and table available, each one covered with the same food.
"Are those-"
"Fish tacos, yes! They're amazingly delicious and all made from imported Japanese fish! What do you think, un?" Deidara wiped his forehead with a dish towel.
"Deidara, are you f-- brain damaged?" Kisame asked slowly, his fists shaking angrily.
"Un?" Deidara cocked his head to the side.
"Something wrong with my cooking?" he demanded to know.
"Oooh Kisame~" a hyper Tobi stuck his head in the kitchen.
"Hi Sempai! Kisame, I finished decorating! Come seeeeeee!" with that said Tobi twirled away. A loud 'thump' told Deidara and Kisame that Tobi had tripped over the tubes.
"What are these for anyway?" Deidara poked one with a spatula. Kisame ignored him and followed Tobi to the living room.
"Holy. Shit. Tobi, what did you do?" his mouth dropped open, revealing rows of tiny, sharp teeth. Black and red streamers hung from the ceiling, and matching balloons floated up above their heads. Silver glitter had been dumped over the floor, some in giant piles.
"I'm such a good boy!" Tobi laughed as he stood up.
"This looks terrible!" Kisame hung his head, drowning in silent horror while the mask wearing man laughed and giggled.
'Surely at least Itachi pulled through!' Kisame ran from room to room, looking for his partner.
"Kisame, in here," the Uchiha man called from behind a closed door.
"Tell me you have something good!" Kisame said as he walked in. Itachi was sitting on the floor, surrounded by board games.
"Would your family prefer Clue or Connect Four?" Itachi asked.
"What the hell Itachi? My family can't play board games!" Kisame moaned.
"Oh, they all think they're too old for games? What a pity. I was going to set up Pin The Tails On The Jinchuuriki," Itachi looked at the mass pile of board games, then to Kisame, and back again to the games.
"I'll keep looking," he promised. Kisame left and ran into Hidan.
"Hidan, I wanted to talk to you. You know my parents are religious. Have you prepared a blessing for dinner?"
"Of course! I've got it all right here; it will be the best holy blessing your parents have ever heard!" Hidan held up a note card.
"Good. How's Kakuzu doing with our funding?" Kisame peered into the next room. Kakuzu was lying on mounds of green bills, a look of pure delight on his face.
"Yeah, he sorta lost it when he saw the money…" Hidan frowned at his partner.
"I'm going to find Sasori, Zetsu, and Pain," Kisame backed away from Kakuzu, a giant anime sweat drop on his head.
"Kisame, you're just in time!" white Zetsu said when the shark man entered the room.
"How's the entertainment coming?" Kisame questioned, almost afraid to ask.
"It's great. Just lovely," Pain yawned; he was sprawled on a couch half asleep.
"I've chosen a secret movie for your family's viewing pleasure," white Zetsu added.
"What's it about?" Kisame was actually somewhat impressed with how well the entertainment was coming along.
"I said it was a secret damn it!" black Zetsu roared.
"Okay, okay, sheesh! What about you, Sasori?" Kisame rolled his eyes and looked for the red haired puppet master.
"I've prepared an amazing show, guaranteed to knock the socks right off your family's feet!" Sasori seemed really excited, which was unusual for him.
"What kind of show?" Kisame eyed the puppets sitting at Sasori's feet. Every optimistic thought he previously had about the entertainment vanished.
'The only one left is Konan, and all she has to do is greet my family as they arrive. Oh great Poseidon, I know I'm not much of a religious fellow (that's Hidan's job, and I'm not complaining about it), but please don't let them screw this up with my family!' Kisame thought. His heart jolted when he looked at the time; it was almost five o'clock. His family should be arriving any minute.
"What the f--!" Konan screamed suddenly as she ran out of the bathroom.
"Konan, what's wrong?" Pain shouted as the Akatsuki gathered around the bathroom.
"Kisame, how did you say your family was getting here again?" Konan gasped, her eyes wide. One of the tubes Kisame had made connected to the inside of the toilet, which was making a loud groaning sound. Suddenly the tube started to fill with fast, colorful blurs.
"Mom, Dad!" Kisame kneeled down and waved into the tube. A pair of Clown fish waved up at him.
"Your family's a bunch of fish?" Sasori uttered, surprised.
"Oh! So this is why my meal was unfitting, un!" Deidara tapped his chin.
"Perhaps I should have realized that,"
"What did you expect? I told you I was the prodigy of my clan, seeing as I'm the most evolved and all," Kisame looked back at his family.
"Welcome everyone, to my charity house! As you all know I take care of the poor, the hungry, and the mentally unbalanced! If we'll just move towards the living room, then introductions can be made," Kisame gestured down the hall. Once everyone was gathered (it took a little bit of time. Kisame has a lot of family) the shark man began introductions.
"And, finally, that's my 50th third half-cousin six times removed, Philly," Kisame said. The other Akatsuki members yawned; most had fallen asleep half way through.
"So these are the people who live here. We have Kakuzu, Hidan, and Konan. They're very poor, lost their jobs in this economy and what not. Next is Sasori, Itachi, and Pain. They come here to eat, because they can't afford quality food. Lastly, we have Tobi, Zetsu, and Deidara. They have it the worst, if you ask me, because sadly their heads are a little messed up. I think of all these people as my children, children who are in need of my help," Kisame said. His family wiped away tears.
"Oh Kisa-chan, you are such a good boy!" his mother, Sakana, cried.
"Kisa-chan?" the Akatsuki members tried to hold back laughter.
"Tobi's a good boy too!" Tobi yelled.
"How sweet, the crazies talk in third person!" Pez, Kisame's father, smiled. The fish began to swim freely through the tubes, and after a look from Kisame the Akatsuki kneeled down to chat.
'Things seem to be okay,' Kisame thought, watching everyone interact with each other. Itachi seemed to be attracting a large number of female fish, which frankly didn't come as a surprise. Zetsu's split personalities along with Tobi's hyper-ness seemed to amuse anyone who bothered to listen to them.
"Is anyone hungry?" Kisame asked. Deidara looked up hopefully.
"I made sure got get everyone's favorite- Uncle Tony's Grade A Fish Food!" Deidara glared at Kisame and looked away.
"Before we begin, Hidan would like to say a blessing," Kisame nodded at Hidan.
"Dear Lord Jashin, we sacrifice everything in your Heavenly name. May our days go by filled with blood lust and beautiful killings-" Hidan droned on and on. Finally Kisame butted in with
"Amen!" after seeing the horrified looks on his family's faces.
"Shall I get the tacos, un?" Deidara asked, all his tongues hanging out at the thought of good food.
"I see why he's one of the crazies," Fishy, a cousin, muttered.
"Eh, sure. But while you do that I'll take care of feeding my family," Kisame picked up two bags of fish food and opened a latch on the top of the tube. He dumped in the two bags of fish food plus another one before downing an entire bag himself.
"Don't you want any tacos Kisame?" Itachi raised an eyebrow.
"No, thank you, I only eat fish food," Kisame replied after glancing at his family.
"Oh, really? Well in that case, the next time we order pizza we can save money by not getting you one," Kakuzu grinned.
"Ha ha ha, good one…" Kisame said feebly, images of all his favorite food swirling through his head.
"So, Kisame, that beautiful woman over there must be your girlfriend. Am I right?" Goldy the goldfish smiled at Konan, who's taco was raised half way to her mouth. Nobody moved.
"Oh f-- no!" Pain growled, raising a fist. Kisame's family gasped.
"Such language! Such violence!" they lamented.
"U-Um, why don't we watch a movie now? Zetsu picked it out all by himself," Kisame wheeled out a TV and turned the lights off. Peaceful music began playing, and a picture of a mother bird feeding her chicks appeared.
"Nature. It is full of wonder and beauty," a narrator said.
"And it is also full of DEATH," the voice turned raspy and horror music began to play. Violent images of tigers eating fluffy little bunnies and swarms of bees stinging their enemies flashed across the screen.
"Oh my Jashin! This is great!" Hidan's eyes sparkled as he leaned forward; better to see the blood and guts. Kisame laughed awkwardly, raised Samehada, and launched the giant sword right through the TV screen. Everybody stared at him in utter silence.
"Sasori, you have a play?" Kisame cried, grabbing the red head's arm and thrusting him to the center of the room.
"A play, by Sasori," Sasori bowed and pulled out two puppets.
"Ahhhh! Get that thing away from me!" Tyler the puffer fish screamed, inflating five times his normal size.
"He's terrified of puppets!" Tyler's wife, Suzay, tried to shield her husband's eyes.
"Damn you f-- philistines," Sasori pouted, obviously hurt that nobody cared about his beautiful art.
"Welcome to my world, un!" Deidara nodded sympathetically.
"Why don't we play a game instead?" Itachi suggested.
"Yay! Games!" Tobi shouted. He was currently making snow angels out of the glitter he had dumped on the floor.
"It's a little game I like to call…Go Fish. Pun intended," Itachi said, a couple uncontrollable chuckles escaping his lips.
"How dare you insult us like that!" Sakana shouted, eyeing Itachi angrily but still managing to blush under his stare.
"Kisa-chan, I don't like these people. They're bad influences on you. Get in this tube right now; we're going home," she ordered.
"But Mom!" Kisame whined, sounding like a ten-year-old.
"Don't you sass your mother! Your family wants you home, and you'll do as we say," Pez glared at his son, disappointment shining.
"Kisame has a family here too!" Tobi said, coming up and placing an arm around Kisame's shoulder.
"You can't just take him away!"
"We don't want him to leave, un!" Deidara agreed.
"Even if he does eat half our food without praying to Jashin first!" Hidan added.
"And blow all our money on sake!" Kakuzu reminded.
"And-"
"Okay, I think they get it!" Pain snapped. Kisame stared at the Akatsuki, a confused look on his face.
"You guys…really want me around?" he stated.
"Apparently so," black Zetsu shrugged.
"Kisa-chan, we're waiting," the family of fish stared at Kisame, who stared back at them.
"No. I'm staying here with my other family," he declared. The Akatsuki all coughed awkwardly.
"Whatever!" Kisame's family turned their tails and swished angrily back down the toilet.
"Yay, Kisa-chan isn't leaving us!" Tobi cheered.
"Tobi, I swear if you call me that again, you will NOT be a good boy ever again. Also I'm going to cut off your arm if you don't remove it from my shoulder," Kisame growled. Tobi promptly removed his arm.
"But you threw your sword through our TV," Itachi pointed out.
"Still, I guess we're all really glad you're staying," Sasori muttered.
"We're sorry we messed things up with your family though," Konan said, looking at Pain. When he said nothing, she elbowed him in the stomach.
"Ow! Ah, yeah, sorry," the Leader hissed.
"Don't be. This happens every year; I do something to piss of the rest of my family and they all leave me behind of my own free will. Fish only have a limited memory; in ten seconds, they forget this reunion ever happened," Kisame brushed off the apologies with a laugh.
"I guess family comes in all packages!" Tobi grinned.
"What the hell does that even mean, un?" Deidara questioned.
"He probably has no idea," white Zetsu uttered.
"Those fish tacos tasted like shit; can we order some pizza?" Hidan asked, his stomach groaning in agreement.
"My food was great, un!"
"Shut up you two. We'll order the pizza," Pain pulled out a cell phone.
"Yeah, so I need like 10 extra large pizzas," he told the pizza company.
"Actually you only need 9, 'cause Kisame said he only eats nasty fish food!" Tobi corrected.
"Damn it Tobi I'm going to shut you up permanently!" Kisame snarled. He pounced on Tobi while the other Akatsuki formed a circle around them, chanting
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"
"Make three of them pepperoni-" Pain continued, trying to ignore the loud background noise.
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"
"I said, make three of them pepperoni-" he repeated, a vein popping on his forehead.
"Fight-!"
"SHUT THE HELL UP SO I CAN ORDER THE F-- PIZZA!!!!!!!" Pain screamed. Everyone froze.
'Yep, it sure is good to be home with my family,' Kisame thought as he sat on Tobi's back and buried the masked idiot's face into the piles of shiny glitter.
A/N: Well readers, sadly this has come to an end. Hopefully it was fun for you to read- I know I had a great time writing it. Leave me a review, okay? I'll love you forever if you do~