"Careful…just a little more…" Edd measured drops of viscous blue fluid into the jar in front of him. "…slowly…"
"Is it done yet? Did you fix it?" Eddy hopped from foot to foot, trying to peer around Edd. "Oh man, that lamp was my brother's – if he finds out we broke it I'm dead!"
"'We', Eddy?" Edd glanced over his shoulder. "I don't recall having a hand in making Ed imbibe the contents of your lava lamp."
"I didn't make him drink it, Sock-head, I just, uh, happened to mention it tasted like gravy." He snickered. "I didn't think he'd actually fall for it…"
Edd raised an eyebrow. "Yes, that's certainly not something Ed's past behavior should have led you to expect, is it?" He added the final ingredients into the mixture. "Well, at any rate, I believe I've managed to replicate the formula for the 'lava.'" He screwed the base of the lamp back on, then plugged it in. "Now to see if it works!"
After several moments, the lamp resumed its languid bubbling. Edd smiled triumphantly and removed his safety goggles. "Perfect!" He leaned in close to watch the lava. "Do you see, Eddy? Note how the heat of the light bulb causes a decrease in the density of the lava compound, thereby – "
"All right already, it's working, I get it!" Eddy covered his ears with his hands. "Why do you always have to try to teach me stuff?"
Edd rolled his eyes. "I suppose I just can't resist that heartfelt appreciation I get in return, Eddy." Preoccupied with wiping the lamp's glass clean, Edd didn't notice Eddy making faces behind him. "Well, your lamp's as good as new – but please, try to use more care with what you say to Ed in the future, you know he's prone to eating non-food items! And speaking of Ed," a worried look crossed his face, "don't you think we've left him to his own devices for far too long? Perhaps we should go find him before anything untoward happens."
"Nah, why bother?" Eddy waved a hand carelessly. "All we gotta do is keep talking about him and he's sure to barge on in – haven't you ever notic – "
"Guys!" Ed crashed through Eddy's door; Eddy half-grinned at Edd. "Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Happy Place Day for Ed it is!"
"Very nice timing, Ed!" Edd furtively slipped the lava lamp into a drawer. "How did you know an entrance was in order just then?"
"My cider senses were tingling, Double-D!" Ed stuck his arms out in front of him and began 'flying' around the room. "Apple-Boy to the res – oh yeah." He dropped his arms and resumed bouncing. "Oh boy! Oh boy oh boy!!" He bounced over to Eddy. "Oh boy, Eddy!"
"Cool it, Lumpy, you're gonna sprain your eyebrow! What's with all the excitement, anyway?" Eddy snickered and elbowed Edd. "What, did the new phonebooks just come out?"
"Sure did, Eddy!" Ed held up his new phonebook for his friends to see. "How did you know?"
Edd and Eddy stared.
"Oh boy oh boy, I have not been so excited since 'Evil Mutant Space Pants, Part 2'!" Oblivious to his friends' bafflement, Ed bounced onto the bed and held out the phonebook. "Will you read it to me, Double-D? Pleeeease?"
Edd paled. "The entire phonebook, Ed?"
"Naw, just one letter for now – you can pick it!" He squirmed with excitement and whisper-shouted, "Pick P! Pick P!"
Edd giggled at his friend's enthusiasm. He glanced over at Eddy, who only shrugged. "Of course, Ed. The P section it is." Dragging a chair next to the bed, he sat down and opened the book.
"Come on, Eddy!" Ed patted the bed. "Double-D is going to read to us!"
"Forget it, Monobrow, his stupid lava lamp lecture was more entertaining than – "
"Up you go, Mister!" Ed plopped Eddy down on the bed and shushed his protests. "Okay, Double-D, we are listening with ears on our toes!"
"Very well, Ed." After flipping to the Ps, Edd cleared his throat. "Paar, Dudley. 23 Pear Stream Lane." He glanced up dubiously, only to find Ed leaning forward in anticipation. He shrugged. "494, 555, 7802." Ed hugged the sheets up to his chin and beamed. "Paar, Fred. 502 Apple Brook Road – "
"Gee, I think I heard this one before, Ed, I'm gonna go watch TV." Eddy hopped off the bed, snickering at Edd as he passed. "You two have a real good time, now!"
"Don't you leave me here with him!"
"What can I tell ya, Sock-head?" Eddy's 'concerned' face didn't quite mask his grin. "I don't wanna ruin the ending for Ed!"
Ed sniffled happily. "My pal Eddy always looks out for me! I am as lucky as a sack of hoses!" He picked up Eddy and deposited him on the bed once more. "Don't worry, Eddy, it is a brand-new edition with an all-star ending! Keep reading, Double-D! I can hardly contain my sawdust!"
"I can hardly contain my lunch," Eddy grumbled.
*****
"Perkins, Jean." Edd coughed and cleared his throat. "9432 Plum Rivulet Avenue. 473, 555, 7535."
"Boy, that is just like Pattersen, Dexter's number." Ed lay back and gazed at the ceiling, while Eddy banged his head against the mattress. "Do you think they know each other, Double-D?"
"Perhaps they do, Ed." He turned the page. "Perkinson, Margaret. 801 Grape Rill Run. 943, 555, 3912."
"That is a pretty number, Double-D. What do you think it looks like?"
"I-I'm sure it's lovely, Ed."
*****
"Pivek, Simon." Edd was getting hoarser. "Really, Ed, don't you think you've had enough yet?"
"Aw, no way, Double-D, it is just getting to the good part!" The bed rattled as Ed fidgeted eagerly. "I wonder what will happen next?"
"I suppose we'll just have to find out, won't we?" Resignedly, Edd turned back to the book. "3821 Lemon Runnel Boulevard, 942, 555, 8421."
"Wow!" Ed looked shocked. "I did not see that coming, did you Eddy?"
Eddy stopped short, his pillow inches from Ed's face. He quickly hid it behind his back and looked up innocently. "Uh, sure didn't, Lumpy…"
*****
"Pott – Potter…Felix." Edd's voice was barely a whisper. "3...94 Apricot – "
"Aaaargh!" Eddy leapt off the bed. "It's been four hours! Gimme that!" He snatched the book from Edd and flipped to the end. "Puhr! Pvarskowski! Pwiejovic! There!" He slammed it shut. "Now can we go do something useful for a change?"
Ed's lower lip quivered. "You gave away the ending?" He started to sniffle.
"It's a phonebook, Ed, it doesn't – "
"You gave away the ending!" The floodgates sprang open and Ed's tears gushed forth like a fountain. "I was looking forward to this for forever and a danish, and now you ruined it, Eddy!" The whole bed shook with his sobs.
"Ed! Enough! You're gonna flood my room!" He poked Edd. "Do something, Sock-head, this 'crying' junk is your department!"
"There…Ed," Edd's mouth moved, but only the occasional word was audible. "I'm sure…didn't…on purpose. Why don't…jar of olives...calm you...?"
"With chocolate sauce?" Ed's eyes lit briefly, but filled with tears once more as he looked at the phonebook. "The P's were my favorite part, Double-D," he sobbed.
Eddy rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Look, Ed, will you shut up if Double-D reads you another 'chapter'?"
Edd shook his head. "…don't think…chords could withstand…why...you read...?"
"Me? Forget it, Sock-head – I mean, uh, me and Ed just appreciate you reading it so much," he shot Edd a self-satisfied grin.
"Yeah, Double-D, you do the voices so well!" Ed wiped his eyes and looked up hopefully. "I feel like I am in the phonebook!"
"But…" Edd rubbed his throat. "…voice…strained!"
"You are sounding pretty bad, Double-D," Eddy raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you'd like us to go get Rolf to 'interpret' for you?"
"No!" Edd began sweating. "…won't…necessary…surely recover…!"
"That's what I thought." Eddy's grin suddenly soured. "And if I ever find out you guys and Rolf were messin' with me on purpose that time…" He narrowed his eyes as Edd tried to gesture his innocence. "Yeah, whatever – just start reading, will ya? I'd like to get this over with before I'm too old to use a phone." He dropped the book back into Edd's lap, then looked at Ed. "Uh, I hear the W's are a real killer this year!"
"W! Oh boy!" The preempted P's already forgotten, Ed snuggled down under the covers once more. "Okay Double-D, I am ready!"
"Curse…easily amused…" Edd rasped. He cleared his throat and did his best to resume. "Walker…Craven…"
"Eddy?"
"…2125…Nectarine Arroyo Court…"
"What, Ed?"
"Can we do this again when the Yellow Pages comes out?"
"…202, 555…4417…"
"Not even if you paid me in jawbreaker-flavored quarters, Ed."
"Okay! Thanks, Eddy!"
"…Walkins, Sydney…"
"Shut up, Ed."