A/N: Takes place in season 3. I know, I like to pretend that season didn't happen but this is my way of trying to rationalize some of it. This takes place after Finn calls Rae mental. It's a couple days later and it's AU-ish in the sense that this may progress into more chapters and erase much of the heartbreak from that painful season.
I can't even be mad at Katie fucking Springer. Well, I can be but I fucked up. I fucked up long before Uni and Liam and sex. Long before some girl showed up at my apartment under the pretense of talking about Rae and ended up with her lips on mine. I fucked up that first summer, between Nan dying and the first day of college. Rae said she was better but I should have known. She's always kept things to herself. Part of me knew she wasn't going to just say everything. I may be crap with words but Rae's good with them. She uses them to hide what she feels. That's how the gang never picked up on her being ill. How all we saw was strong, funny Rae. Why we all rested our weight on her when she needed us. Cause we couldn't see her hurting but I should have. I was her boyfriend but I was blind. I believe when she said she was better but I should have known.
Words always worked against us. Mine always falling short and hers running circles. Neither of us putting out full truths or we'd miss the mark whenever we tried. First time I told her I loved her, actually with my mouth, I waited till I was hidden under a fucking blanket between her thighs. I waited almost two bloody years after realizing I felt it to say it. Words weren't our thing, music was. Music and heart break.
To the gang it looks like I broke Rae's heart over and over again, and they're right. I got with Olivia, fucked off to Leeds, then I kissed Katie and called Rae mental. They're right. I fucked up royally but they don't see how I've always been a few miles behind. How Rae was running before I even knew where the race was being held. I'm still reeling from finding out she lied about Uni. Finding out from everyone else that she got in when I thought she was choosing to move in with me. Rae was always destined for more than I could give her, more than Stamford, and more than a relationship based on secrets. I knew that and it hurt.
That's why I broke up with her. I had let myself believe that she' be happy settling for me. I could live in that ignorance until I learned she didn't even want me to know she got in. I couldn't be surprised but I was broken. As long as we'd been together and she couldn't even be honest about something that important.
It's been three days since I said that disgusting thing in the car park. Three days of going to the pub, one she and the gang wouldn't be at, with the lads from work drinking until someone else carried me back to my Da's. I couldn't go back to the flat, the place we was supposed to be together. Just work and drinks, tears, and the daily calls to Rae's. If Linda answers I hang up as soon as I hear her. If Rae answers I wait until she gets frustrated with the silence, let her hang up first. There should be words on my end. Begging, apologies, even just a hello but I got nothing.
At least my lips don't. My throat as song lyrics and essays. Thousands upon thousands of words clotting and bouncing into each other with no spaces or periods. Just letters with no sense in them, none knowing which should come out first so they just sit. How do you apologize for that many fuck ups? For a whole two years of letting down the woman you love? If I even know where to start maybe I'd do more than just sit at a pub every night. Maybe I'd answer Chop and Archie's calls. Maybe I'd be able to fix half of the shit.
Tonight I'm drinking more than normal. The lads from work are cheering me on, buying me more shots that go down like tea. Warms my throat, makes me think those letters will sort themselves out and become the words I need but instead all my tongue and lips come up with is "Rae." So the lads buy me more shots, tell me I can do better, that I don't need her. But they don't get it. They don't see the bruising. It's there, behind my ribs. The skin of my heart is purple with the blood that forgot how to clot. It's been seeping out since I found out about Bristol. But now it's gushing, coming out quicker than the burn of liquor.
But I keep trying. Don't even know how much liquor is in my veins when I hear my name. Actually hear it. Not a meaningless chant or cheer. Tucked behind the other voices is one laced with concern and questioning. My name being said as if the person sees me dancing on the edge of a roof, nervous that too much power behind their voice will push my body off.
I look up from my next shot and see Archie. He's standing at the edge of our group, almost as if he's afraid that if he gets too close he'll get sucked in, like me. His eyes are scanning the scene before him, fingers pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. His shoulders are squared with false bravado, like he didn't think this through. Like he had a plan but never took the time to consider all or any possible outcomes.
"Hey Arch!" the slur in my words even startles me. Every syllable multiplies and over lapping.
"What ya doin.'?" he asks with such a sadness in his voice that it hurts to hear it.
We both know he's not asking about tonight or the shot I'm about to take. Not even asking about the ones I've already taken. He asks the same way I've been asking myself. He asks hoping I'll finally know how to use my words.
The rest of the lads from work roll their eyes and scoff as if it's obvious. They think I'm just any other lad drinking to forget any other lass. That this is the expected process a man goes through. They think they know.
"Chop's outside." he says with a nod.
Before I can even register the two words Archie is turning and leaving. He doesn't expect me to follow. Doesn't expect much from me anymore. No one does. I should feel relieved, glad that there's no pressure. But I don't. I feel like all I am now is Finn the fuck up. The one that let's everyone down, even himself. Nan would be so proud. Watching me become everything she raised me not to be.
The thought should sober me but all it does is push me deeper into longing for Rae. Pushes me out of my seat and gets me jogging out of the pub after Archie. I don't have to go far, Chop's car is parked right in front of the pub, him and Archie leaning against it. Chop smoking and Arching examining the palms of his hands. Chop clocks me first, relieved and disappointed all at once. I wonder if I'll ever see that gap toothed grin on his face again, the one that seems to be a constant presence when Rae's around.
"I fucked up." The words come out like air. Like my lungs need them.
"Got that right laddie." Chop answers before tossing his smoke onto the sidewalk.
"Let's just get ya home. Talk bout this in the mornin' yeah?" Archie asks with a tight lipped smile.
"Rae's home." I mutter almost to myself but I know they hear it.
"Nah, you're in no state to go to Rae's" Archie answers.
"No," c'mon Finn, get this right, "Rae is home."
Chop and Archie share a look before turning back to me, like two parents trying to communicate without their toddler knowing what they're thinking.
"Might be but she's probably asleep at this hour." Archie says.
Are they really that thick? Or am I just too drunk? And why the fuck is Chop not saying anything? Words aren't mine, they're never on my side but I got to get this right. Got to get something right.
"Rae Earl is my home. She is everything. Where all my crap seems less crappy. Where I make sense. She's it. She's where I need to be, always."
"Finn, ya kissed Katie and Rae caught ya. You called Rae fucking…called her the one thing no one has a right to call her. You might think she's your home but maybe you're not hers. Maybe you're not what she needs." Chop says.
"Think I don't fucking know that?!" I shout and for the first time I see something else in Chop's eyes. More than relief and disappointment, something that could be happy. Then I clock his lips, their corners are quirking up just a bit. But I can't question it. My throat is working and I need to let this out. "Rae's the strongest person in Stamford, maybe the world. She needs someone that can give her words and safety, knows what she needs to hear and fucking tells her. She needs someone just as great as she is and I'm not even fucking close. I'm just another lad from this shite town with nothing more than a decent record collection."
My knees bend from under me and my ass follows to pull of gravity. My back starts to haunch and shake with the pressure of sobs I can't control.
"I can't give her anything. Even the fact I'm in love with her doesn't give me any standing. Anyone can fall in love with her. Could see how beautiful she is. Anyone with eyes can see that. Anyone who spends more than two minutes with her can see that she's more than any single person deserves. I've never been and never will be close to what she needs, didn't even try to be."
"Finn." the softness in Archie's voice makes the liquor in my stomach try to meet the pavement in front of me.
My palms push into my eyes hoping to cut off the flow of tears, to push back everything I've refused to say until now. To suck back the truth I wish was anything but. These were the things I should have been saying to Rae. The words she should have heard every day while we were together. The words someone else will be strong enough to tell her.
"Fuck this." Chop spits and in and instant I feel my hands being pulled from my face. He wraps both my wrists in one hand and before I know it my head is banging from the smack of his other hand.
"Chop!" there's force in Archie's words. Regardless of any plan this was not part of it.
"I'm dealing with this." Chop says over his shoulder to Archie before turning back to me. I wish I could see myself in his eyes. See the red eyes and sobbing mess I've become. "Let's pretend ya not good enough for our Raemundo, a'right? You think this is how to go about it? Ya just gonna drink yaself away till what? Till she's at Uni? Till she brings a boyfriend back to meet us? Till she's married with kids? Or ya just hoping ya liver craps out before she ever comes back? What's the endgame here Finn?" He waits a minute hoping I'll answer but my lungs are working overtime through the tears, the letters in my throat have been sucked down and they're heaving with my sobs.
Chop huffs a breath and let's go of me. He's standing above me now, Archie only a couple feet away from us.
"Know what, Arch. He's right. Rate he's goin' he's bound to be the man Rae deserves."
"Fuck off!" I cry out.
My feet start to push and I haul myself up, less than gracefully I'm sure, until I'm standing. By standing I mean my body is relying completely on the wall behind me to keep me upright.
Then Chop laughs, pulls out his a cig and lights it. Not sure if it's my inability to stand that's so comical or the emotional state I'm in that he's getting a kick out of but either way I'm furious.
"Wha' like you? Sounds like a right plan. Let's all just fuck off like Finny boy over here."
"You don't fucking get it!" I shout.
"Damn right I don't. Don't get how you can let the girl you supposedly love slip through ya fingers. You think I don't know Izzy deserves more than me? I ain't good enough for her, not even close on my best day. But I'll never stop tryna be. I work hard to show her I'm trying to be enough. I tell her, I show her, I make up for my short comings. Sure, I fuck up but we're not seventeen anymore. We can't let what we think of ourselves stop our girls from loving us. We gotta fucking earn them. Rae loved you."
"Chop, don't say that. She might still love him." Archie says as he takes a couple steps closer to us.
"Bloody hope not. He might've deserved her once but not now." and there's that bloody smile again, more obvious now than before.
He's right. I don't deserve her but I could try. I could do better because I sure as shit wasn't trying before. I can work through those letters in my throat and get them out. Even if they come out wrong they'll come out. She'll hear them even if she doesn't believe them. She'll know I still love her and I fucked up but I'll always love her and do better for her. She might deserve more than I can give but I'll still give her everything. Give her more than I can give her, give her my last breath so she can live just a second longer than me. If she decides I'm not enough, that's her choice to make. I can't make it for her.
"Drive me to Rae's."
"Nope." Chop says, smiling even more than he was before. "Ya still not in any state but we will drive ya back to ya flat. We'll stay with ya and in the mornin' we'll drive ya to Rae's."
"Promise?" I'm ashamed of how childlike I sound but I gotta know.
"Long as you promise to fight, promise to get the fuck off your ass and fight for your girl, I promise." Chop says before pulling me into a hug.
I'll fight for her, I have to. She's worth it. Even if I end up bloodied and lifeless, she's worth it. She's worth everything.