I'm Done
Caitlin's thoughts at the end of Season 3's "Crossroads"
Author's Note: I haven't written a fic in about 8 years now. To say I am rusty would be an understatement. Please take that into consideration as you read and review my fic. I've recently come across Airwolf again. I remembered how much I enjoyed this series in the 80's. After watching the episode Crossroads, it reminded me how much I loved the characters. So here we go after a long hiatus...
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. I am just borrowing them for a little fun.
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I thought he was dead.
I thought he was gone, run off the road and over a cliff by those horrible people while on Michael's mission to pick up that woman and her father. For a whole day, I was teary, my heart torn to shreds thinking he was gone and never coming back. Thank God for Dom and his intuition; his insistence that we get the Lady and check things out for ourselves. Dom kept saying he wasn't dead, he couldn't be. That he would know in his heart if he was. I wasn't so sure myself. I was so scared I was numb. Even in the engineer's seat in Airwolf, I felt as if I was just on autopilot and going through the motions as Dom called out his instructions.
I began to finally feel what Dom felt when we ran into those two helicopters during our search. Seems as if those guys didn't want us to find String and Inga. That had to mean String really was alive. The despair in my heart was immediately replaced with hope. String was alive! And he would be coming back to us as soon as we found him. Dom had to take the bad guys out with some pretty impressive combat flying. Now I know where String gets it. Dom may not be his father by birth, but there is no doubt that the old man has taught him a thing or two about flying.
My heart filled with more joy than it could hold when I learned that once more Stringfellow Hawke had managed to cheat death. I tried real hard not to shed any tears, to be the tough Texan that I profess to be when I laid eyes on him for myself on that hillside. I almost succeeded in the no tears thing, but of course a few slipped down my cheek. I hurriedly wiped them away before String and Dom could see them. And I swear, that man has more lives than six cats. When I saw him, I wanted to both hug and kiss him out of relief and then strangle him out of frustration all at the same time for making me think he may have, well, I don't even want to think that possibility anymore. I settled on a great big hug because the scientist woman was looking at me like I was a lunatic. Dom had to make me let him go so we could get the heck out of there. String's chuckle and quick kiss to my temple told me he was happy to see me too. His squeeze of my hand was his silent acknowledgement that he understood all the emotions I was feeling.
Fast forward, so now here I am, once again feeling my heart being torn apart like an eagle's talons gripping a fresh kill, as I watch String bid Inga adieu. As I watch him kiss her goodbye and hug her like his life depended on it, and not in a platonic way. How is it that he can fall for someone like her in such a short period of time? Yes, she's exotic, yes she's smart, yes she's sexy. She's the polar opposite of me, good ol' Cait. She's also leaving, moving on with her life and her business. But what am I? I'm still here, but I'm obviously not what he wants in a woman.
So I'm done. I've had enough and don't know how many more times I can watch this scenario play out. It's become obvious String doesn't see me the way that I want him to. I can't make this man love me like I love him. Dom once said it was because String thinks he's cursed; that those he loves die. I think that's crazy. I'm alive. Does he choose not to let me close because of some stupid curse, yet he can fall for a woman he's known for all of twenty minutes? Can't he see that he's got someone right here all the time who would love him unconditionally if he'd only let go and love me back? Instead he goes from one glamorous woman to the next, none of them staying in his life for long. I guess maybe I'm simply just not the one he wants. Not much I can do, he has to make those decisions for himself. But I can choose to not torture myself any longer. This is it for me, I'm done. I'm outta here. Maybe move back to Texas, maybe head to Hawaii. Heck anywhere but here. But who am I kidding? I can't stand to be here, but I can't bear to leave either. So I'll do the best I can do. Try to move on with my life and find some happiness of my own. I deserve that. The only way I know to do that is to close off my heart to one Stringfellow Hawke. He can have all the exotic spies, glamorous scientists and bikini models he wants. He can have every one of them and anyone he wants, except this red-headed Texan with a tough exterior and heart of gold.
And with that, Caitlin backed slowly away from the hangar door where she'd been watching String say his goodbyes to the striking Inga and disappear into the shadows.
What she didn't notice was the frown that briefly crossed Hawke's features as he watched out of the corner of his eye as she quietly slipped away.