She's cold, and she hurts.
But Charlie has learnt that the mind can go beyond certain pains.
Others-not so much.
She whimpers as she shifts slightly, pressing her hand more firmly into open flesh. A hiss escapes tight, trembling lips, and she looks around frantically for anything that could aid her-anything that she could use in substitute of medical supplies.
But there is nothing but herself-and this time, she knows that that won't be enough.
It doesn't seem to matter that she is intelligent, and has always been able to rely on that for improvisation. When you're out on the field, a split second can mean life or death. There is no restarting the game, upgrading your character and weapons. You are all you have.
'Well, that's not true. I have the best back up ever.' Charlie muses to herself as she settles back against the tub. It shouldn't hurt so much just to move; with every slight movement she can feel her flesh tear open that little more, feel her blood spurt out just a little more.
She is trying to stay true to herself until the end, but she knows she has not been her own since as she has met the Winchesters. And she takes that on with pride; dying for the people she loves most is a good way to go. It is an honorable death, and if anyone understands about that, then it is Charlie.
If there was one allowance, it would be to not be alone.
Memories are good, but they do not keep the cold out like am embrace from a loved one. She closes her eyes, her head drooping to the side. She can taste the blood now, can feel it trickle through her parted lips. She does not have the energy to try to choke it down, or to even spit it out.
She is trying to conserve what she has left. She hopes the fight is not over yet, because she is not ready to leave Sam and Dean. She wants to be there for the end-whatever that may bring.
More than anything, she wants to be able to say goodbye.
"De-" The gasp slips out, and panic settles over her as she realizes her life is almost down to seconds. Because Charlie can feel the pull now, and understands the absence of pain is not a good thing.
"Please." She doesn't know who she is pleading to, but she knows it falls on deaf ears, and that's not because it is barely more than a whisper.
Charlie cannot think of a worse way to go-she knows that the pain is something she will forget, but the knowledge of being alone in her last moments is something that will haunt her wherever she goes.
Footsteps echo sluggishly through her hazy mind. She finds the basic task of opening her eyes and focusing impossible, so she keeps them shut and is dimly aware of someone calling her name.
It is the desperation and the raw pain that causes the haze to evaporate, and she blinks up as Dean comes into focus. He is inches away from her, eyes skimming so fast over her that she becomes dizzy, and her eyelids begin to close again.
"Charlie-no. No, no no, Charlie c'mon. Open your eyes kiddo." She feels arms wrap around her , and a grunt as Dean pulls her up and into him.
The pain comes back enough for her to make some sort of noise, because Dean stills. Charlie focuses on trying to breathe, but the blood pooling in her mouth is choking her.
"Hey, come on," Dean moves again, one arm settling around her waist, hoisting her to him, and one finger on each cheek, tilting her head. She feels her lips part, and the blood drops out.
"Charlie," Dean is choking like her, but there is no way to pour the lump out like there is with blood.
Charlie turns her head and meets his gaze, before her eyes flicker up to Sam.
She feels already that she is living on borrowed time-so she knows to make these last moments count.
I forgive you, and I love you. Her eyes scream out, and Sam's face crumples underneath the weight of guilt and regret-and then of her mercy, of her forgiveness that she knows he feels unworthy of it. Charlie can think of no other way to reach him then to smile, and even though it comes out almost as a grimace, it's the most important one she's ever given.
She moves her gaze one last time, locking pain filled eyes with agonized green. She takes in his wrecked expression, can almost see the internal battle he's facing being as it is being written. She can see the anger, can feel it in the tremors of his arms as he holds her.
She thinks what hurts Dean the most about this, is the power that he has, but is so powerless in this moment to stop what is unfolding. There is no time to whack him on the side of the head, to chastise him like a sister.
This is a long farewell, and as Charlie has been at least granted this, she needs to make it count.
"I love you." She say simply to him, and knows it will be the last words she ever speaks. Recognition flares in Dean's eyes, and she knows that although he is not a man of words, that there is more that he would like to say to her.
But such is life, and this is all they have, and he will finish it and do them proud.
"I know." She lets out a happy sigh, before she sees a flash of light. Entranced, she cocks her head, and watches as it transforms into her mother, and a swell of love seems to lift her up and to her mother's side.
Her mother smiles sweetly at her and reaches out, and Charlie is too immobilized to move or to even speak to the person she has been wanting to speak to since she was a young girl. Her mother caresses her cheek, before turning her to the side.
"You are loved, Charlie." Is all her mother says and Charlie watches the next scene unfold her.
Dean is staring down at her lifeless body, as if he cannot fathom that she is dead. She can understand it-even though the Winchester's have been through many deaths, especially of loved ones, she knew it would never get easier. She thought it would be harder each time, as the wall of grief was built brick by brick.
Death by death.
"I wish you didn't. I wish you didn't love me. Oh god, Charlie, Charlie." He brings her head to his cheek, smoothing her back and dropping a kiss onto her hair, before burying his face into it. She watches as sob after sob are pulled from him painfully, although he is silent through the whole process. Sam edges close to Dean, holding out a shaky, hesitant hand.
As soon as it drops on Dean, Charlie is reminded that although her death will have an impact on both brother's, they still would have each other. And just as they had continuously taught her, they would pull through.
With that final acknowledgement, Charlie found herself turning back to her mother, and nodding.
She was ready for her new adventure, and whatever it would bring, she would not forget what she was taught by the Winchester's.
To keep fighting, to keep going.
To never give up.
But mostly importantly, about love and family.