Juxtaposition
Author's Note: The basic idea for this story – that Darth Vader meets Dark Helmet in a bathroom – is from my friend Paxloria. The funny stuff in the story I thought up myself.
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to someone else.
The Super Star Destroyer Executor was in the planetary system of Chassis to witness a rare event: two planets were about to collide with each other and they were there to watch the show. A massive gas giant was to collide with a smaller planet made of the normal rock and dirt. Such an event had never been seen before and they were going to record it.
Unbeknownst to them but in a parallel universe the massive ship named Spaceball One was there to watch the very same event. In fact, they had caused said event with much glee. Never before had such a wicked use of tractor beam – a souped-up plaid tractor beam – been discovered. But things were progressing abysmally slow and Lord Dark Helmet had been drinking cup after cup of Mr. Coffee. Now he was super hyper and ran off to the bathroom with his knees pressed together. "Nothing had better happen while I'm gone!"
The odds of Lord Vader heading to the bathroom at the same moment were slim to none yet that is exactly what he did. He entered the bathroom and stopped dead in his tracks, the need to use the facilities forgotten due to what he saw. A short man wearing black was already in the room, at the far end. Now normally this would not faze him but it was the man's clothing that drew the Sith Lord's gaze. He had a black helmet on his head; a helmet very similar to his own and he had the same long black cape that reached the floor. The unknown person, whoever it was, was also extremely short.
"Come on! Come on!" Dark Helmet yelled angrily as he pounded a fist on the Mr. Toilet Paper machine. "I gave you my nickel! Now give me my roll of toilet paper, you lying piece of junk!"
Vader stood there only breathing. He had never seen a Mr. Toilet Paper machine before and was confused as to where it had come from.
Dark Helmet gave the machine a mighty kick and the highly desired roll of paper came flying out. Eagerly he clutched it in his black-gloved hands, staring at it. To his horror, each sheet on the roll had a picture of his face and helmet! "What the…? Who the heck put my face on the toilet paper? I don't want people wiping their rears with my face!"
Angry, Dark Helmet threw the roll as hard as he could at the wall. It struck said wall and bounced off to strike him in the face. The mask came slamming down and he stumbled backward while pin wheeling his arms about wildly. He crashed to the floor with a loud bang, the metal helmet the cause of much of the noise. He flipped over onto his hands and knees, crawling over to the nearest stall and vanished within. A moment later the door slammed shut only to bounce back open, hitting him on the mask. He fell over backward into the open toilet, his butt landing on the seat. Angrily he struggled to get to his feet to deal with the bad door. "What's the matter with this dumb door? Dumb sucker is too large to fit! It's all of those cross-eyed freaks I got on this ship, they can't do anything right!"
The door slammed over and over and over but it refused to close.
Darth Vader still stood in the same spot, his mind blank for the moment. None of what he was seeing made any sense at all. Calmly he started to process the facts he knew and came to the conclusion that some short idiot was attempting to masquerade around the ship as him.
Lord Vader was not pleased.
"Where's that roll of paper? I'll tie the door shut!" Dark Helmet came charging out of the bathroom stall and hurried over to the roll of paper. Bending, he picked it up to reveal a huge wet spot on the backside of his cape. Even wearing black as he was it was noticeable. Even worst was the long bit of President Skroob toilet tissue stuck on the bottom of his boot, following him.
Dark Helmet turned around and saw Darth Vader. "Who the heck are you?"
"You will pay the price for your insolence!" Vader said in his low mechanical voice, raising a hand in the air.
"How dare you masquerade as me!" Dark Helmet cried angrily as in his eyes it was Vader who was the copycat. "I, the mighty all powerful Dark Helmet! You'll suffer miserably for this, you cross-eyed freak!"
Vader started to close his hand and make a squeezing motion.
Loud gasping sounds came from Dark Helmet and he frantically clawed his mask open. This revealed his nerdy visage of thick black framed eyeglasses. But he still couldn't breath and in a last attempt to get air he threw the hated roll of toilet tissue at the Sith Lord. But the aim was bad and too high. It sailed over the furious Sith Lord and landed in the hallway outside the men's room.
Dark Helmet crashed to the floor, eyes glazed.
Satisfied he had murdered the fool, Vader turned on his heel and left the strange bathroom. He would use a different one, as that one clearly needed much maintenance. As the Sith Lord strode down the long gleaming hallway, he failed to see the roll of paper that was pressed up against the corridor wall.
A few moments later a group of three stormtroopers came along and spotted the roll. One picked it up, studying the picture on the toilet paper. None of them had ever seen paper decorated like this and could only guess it must have come from the bridge's bathroom that the higher ups used. They all gaped at the man wearing black-framed glasses and a dumb expression on his face. The black breath mask was up, the edges of the famous black helmet around his face.
"Is that what Darth Vader really looks like?" One stormtrooper bravely asked.
"I guess so…" Another one quickly replied.
After heated whispers, the three stormtroopers decided they should share this with the others as it was just too good to pass up. The roll was incredibly fat, at least two thousand sheets on it. Quickly individual pieces were torn free and handed out to other stormtroopers amongst excited whispers.
The consensus was the same: Under the famous mask, Darth Vader was an absolute nerd and that is why he really wore the breath mask.
Back in the Spaceball One bathroom, Dark Helmet slowly rose to consciousness. He was used to going without air for long periods of time so being Force-choked had not been as effective as Vader had hoped. He stared around stupidly for several minutes, confused as to where he was. Then a strong odor and a warm wetness got his attention. "Drat! I made in my pants again!"
The End