Yes. Yes i will use a clique. Just try and stop me...
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I regretted it more than anything else i'd ever done...and i've regretted plenty.
We were having one of our anti-social days, well, Emily was. I'd have been fine to go out and do whatever, but Ems had been completly wrecked the night before (oh alright. We'd both been wrecked. It was just that i'd been smart enough to take some paracetomel and water before i went to sleep, wheras Emily had just collapsed on our bed the minute we got in, and so she'd woken up with a hangover, and i'd woken up feeling fine, and also pretty pleased with myself for escaping the headache) and in her currant hungover state was refusing to do anything requiring the least bit of effort.
We were just lounging the afternoon away- Em with her copy of A Rose For Emily (which i suspect she brought not for its actual plot, but because it had her name in the title), and me with my laptop.
One of my friends had sent me a link to some videos on youtube- mostly parodys of dumb american adverts- and every so often, i'd give Emily one of my earbuds so she could hear it too.
They were mostly pretty funny, but one had me in absolute stitches- it was supposed to be a campaign ad by group supposedly advocating marriage (read: man-and-woman-childbearing-marriage) and although it wasnt meant to be funny...well, it just WAS.
It was a bunch of little kids, all "victims" of same-sex marriage, who were now apparently utterly messed up for life in their beliefs: it was meant to be serious, but the kids looked so STUPID! The way they said "I'm CONFUSED..." every two seconds, totally overracting confusion,with their eyes all wide and clueless cracked me up.
Of course, what they were saying was horrible- how much tolerance would destroy society, and everything- but i couldnt help laughing over it- the way one kid said "i heard if you married another woman, that would be ok..." made me laugh simply because it was so absurd that anyone would ever think the opposite.
Still giggling, i called Em over and put the earbuds into her ears so she could hear it. Her lips twitched, she laughed quietly as she gave the lap top back to me, and returned to her book.
Later that night, i woke up and shiverd- mum never turned the heating on, and i agreed in principal, but it made my bedroom fucking FREEZING- and rolled towards Emily.
Or, rolled over to where Emily usually was: now, the bed was empty, and cold without her. I assumed she'd just gone to get a drink of water, and was on the verge of falling back to sleep when i heard muffled sobbing.
I rubbed my eyes and sat up quickly, trying to accustom myself to seeing in the dark. The room was empty, and silent again: i assumed at first i'd imagined it, but then i thought of something and wriggled down the bed.
Yep. Curled up on the rug on the floor on the foot of my bed was an Emily-shaped figure. I slid out of bed and touched her shoulder.
"Em?"
The sobbing stopped, i felt her stiffen under my hand, then she sat up, moving away from me.
"H-hi"
"Em, whats wrong?"
"Nothing-"
She was trying to wipe her eyes surreptiously, she was trying to make her voice sound normal, she was trying to act like it was nothing. She was trying, i think, to be me, to do what i always did, but Emily was not good at pretending.
"Em, seriously, whats up?"
"Nothing, i'm fine"
I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close to me; after a brief struggle, she gave in. I touched her wet cheeks gently.
"No, you're not."
She didn't reply.
"You're really not fine, i can tell you're not. Ems...please, please tell me what it is"
"It's nothing"
"Then tell me for MY sake...so i won't stay up all night trying to guess and scaring myself! Please, we have college tomoro, and if i stay up all night, i might frighten people..."
She didnt laugh, but i think she smiled. I pulled her closer, and kissed the side of her neck. "Please please please? Seriously, whatever it is, i'll fix it for you. I promise"
"I'd rather not. Please, Nai, I'll tell you tomoro, ok?"
Reluctantly. "All right..."
"Can we just...sit like this for a bit?"
"...No."
I felt her move in my arms as she turned to look at me.
"No no no,i didnt mean it like that, i promise. Just...you're really cold. And i'm getting cold, and i wont be able to keep you warm much longer, and... and i dont want you to get sick or anything" (god, that really did sound disgustingly sappy. But it was true.) "Can we like...recreate this in bed where its warmer?"
She didnt say anything, but she wriggled out of my arms and stood up, so i took it for assent. I made lay on my side of the bed where it was still warm because she was shivering, and once we were under the covers, i wrapped myself around her again.
I wonderd if that was it, if i really was going to have to wait til the morning to find out what had made her cry (and also wondering if i'd helped her, like at all, or just made her feel worse) when i heard Emilys voice in the dark.
"Nai-"
"Yeah?"
"Can you..." she sounded like she was struggling ot hold back tears again "can you...pleasse not show me any more of those advert things anymore?"
"What advert things?"
"The ones you were watching today"
"Oh-" I bit my lip... "Em..."
"Nai, please don't take this the wrong way... i cant watch them like you can. i cant find them funny. I know you do...but i cant laugh. I know they're stupid,but...but i just cant laugh." She was crying now, choking on her tears. "I- I cant see how they're funny, Nai. They- they're REAL! They show them on t.v...to kids...and people... people BELIEVE THEM! People BELIEVE that equality and tolerance is wrong, they think WE are out to, like, corrupt their kids! I know its bad in england, but at least they dont have hate ads against us on t.v! But, Nai, what if we lived there? What if...what if we had to watch stuff like that every day? It scares me, i t scares me that people can think like that and people still dont see a problem with it and i just... i just..."
She broke off then, trying to breathe, and i sat up in the bed, and watched my girlfriend- my beautiful Emily, who had loved me and gone through so much for me- break apart in my arms and i felt sick with myself.
I hated myself for causing this, i hated myself for showing her the damn videos and i hated myself for helping to destroy some of her innocence, i hated myself for expecting her to be as desensitized as i was.
"Em...Em, i'm sorry, i'm so, so sorry-" I couldnt find enough words "I'm so fucking sorry... i didnt mean to-"
"I know you didnt, its ok, its not your fault" she cut me off "i just...i like to pretend its just my mum, you know? That its just her who hates us being us and that once we leave Bristol, everything will be fine...and to see that shes not the minority but like, the majority...its just horrible..."
"I really am sorry, Em. I love you...so much, i wish id never seen them-"
"...i love you, too. But, promise me something?"
"Anything"
"That you'll never let them scare us apart, that you'll never leave because of anything you hear... promise?"
"You know i'll never, EVER leave you again"
"I know"
"Then promise me something?"
"Of course"
"Don't let them hurt you. Don't let them think they've won"
"Promise"
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A/N Ok, i dont even know if this works but whatever...