To anyone, really:
I hope you're having a good day. Hopefully the sun is out, if you're into that. Or if you prefer rainy days, I hope you're experiencing that. Whichever, whatever, I'm rambling.
Now, I don't know what I want to achieve by writing this. I won't achieve anything, really, so why write it? It's a matter of opinion I guess, something I need to get off my chest. I'm amazed if you're still reading at this point.
I posted this on the How To Rock fanfiction page. Now, here's what I want to say to you guys. You guys amaze me, really. The fact that you looked into this…this TV show and pulled out something good from it is just phenomenal. Good job :) And I mean it, really. You fans don't bother me at all.
And I predict that many of you will report this story, since it's technically not a story. Whatever, do what you guys want to do.
I wouldn't consider myself a writer, but I do like to type here and there, now and then. But what I really like to do is read other work. When I have the time, though—we're all busy, aren't we?—and usually they are series or TV shows that I like. I know you don't consider TV to be writing, but I think of screenplays when I watch it. Character development. Plot development. You know how it is, right?
But what truly, truly amazes me, is the writers of How To Rock. Think about it for a minute, if you're still reading. Imagine these screenwriters graduating college. Getting hired by Nickelodeon to write a TV show. Can you honestly imagine that? Imagine that college classroom, filled with aspiring writers, and out of all of those choices, you pick these guys? Really?
I heard of How To Rock before it came out, so I decided to watch the first episode on its premiere date. Sigh. I'll get back to this.
Now, I don't know how old you are, whoever is reading. I don't know, that's obvious. But, I am going to assume that you are either a pre-teen, teenager, or young adult? Am I right? Again, I might be wrong. Think back to those "genius" writers Nickelodeon hired. When they developed these characters, this plot, this TV show, who do you think they were writing for? You guys?
Or kids?
Probably kids. Because the writing is so bad, I can almost feel my brain cells burning up in order to return to their normal size when I was around age nine. So, maybe I shouldn't be so mean to the writers.
But they should have predicted this! Do they think that only kids watch iCarly, or Victorious, or Drake and Josh? JUST kids? There was so much they could have done to save the show, but they didn't care.
Yes, it's a kid show, but My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a kids show, and does anyone care? Of course not! But that didn't clear their judgment. They would write it and make it as cheesy as they wanted to. They were getting paid.
Not anymore.
Awh, that sucks. They got their show sucked out from under them. They probably had the entire, horrible thing planned out, and now it's gone. Just gone. I can almost imagining the heads of Nickelodeon calling them in for a meeting: "Well, guys. Your show has just finished recording its first season, and we've had next to no ratings, even after we brought on Cee Lo Green. You can clean up your offices now."
That's gotta sting. Like, hand-sanitizer-in-a-paper cut-sting. But STILL…
The writers of How To Rock brought this upon themselves. It's their fault. My creative writing class in high school taught me more than these idiots know. But it doesn't mean I can't show a scrap of sympathy. There were so many things they could have done to save themselves, but it's too late now, isn't it?
This topic is almost impossible to resist. There's nothing I or anyone can do to help them now, but I can't help but think of all the things they could've fixed.
Let's start with the characters, character development, and actors.
Ok, writers of How To Rock. So you've decided that you want to make a TV show. A TV show on a channel that specializes in kids show. So, let's make a kid show…
You have some guidance, yes. That's one smart thing you fellas did. You looked to past experience. You look at iCarly, who overly-glorifies Carly, and Victorious, who overly-glorifies Tori. If that's selling, then of course you made a mary-sue main character to follow the others. You were doing what anyone would have done.
How To Rock writers,
What are you doing.
How to Rock writers,
STAHP.
Stop this! Just stop this chain! We don't want that! No one wants that! It's so stupid, I can't even. You didn't make your show any more original! They already have iCarly, and they already have Victorious! What makes you think they would want another one?
No.
One.
Likes.
Perfect.
Characters.
Once you figure that out, How To Rock writers, you may have your chance at redemption. Maybe.
Now, let's look at the casting…
Look, I get your little mini Hollywood system, no need to explain it to me. I know that Cymphonique Miller needed a show, so you guys went ahead and gave her one. In your show, however, you made a mary sue out of her.
And, if you don't know what a "mary sue" is, it's a character that is so overly perfect with hardly any flaws. Before you go and say, "We gave her flaws!" I want you to sit down for a while and think about it. Are those flaws "cutesy"? Do bad things ever happen to her because of it? Not just little issues that last an episode, but ACTUAL problems?
NO.
And why do you have everyone crushing on Kacey? She's not drop dead gorgeous, guys! She's pretty, of course, but she's nothing special. At all. Nothing to make the entire school worship the ground her 15 inch heels walk on.
She's not a swell actress, either. And autotune is her best make-up.
Also, guys, if you're going to make other characters, make them more fascinating. I completely forgot Nelson and Kevin's names for the first five episodes.
And please, work on your villains. Yes, because the two "popular" blond and brunette duo NEVER gets old. NEVER.
The only thing that really kept me watching was Lulu Antariksa. Holy crap, she is literally the most beautiful thing to walk on the planet. Oh my God, you should have seen my face when I saw her in the show. So I kept watching, but I was so…so repulsed by the entire series that I couldn't continue.
Now, I assume that you all believe that I like Stevie the character. Truth is, no, I do not. I don't like any of the characters. She's too unoriginal. I couldn't buy into her character. That beautiful girl was a good actress, but I didn't like who she was playing. Sigh.
And of course, Xander. Can we say fangirl fodder?
Basically, it was too easy to see what you were doing, How To Rock writers. You wanted Kacey on this ridiculous, unrealistic pedestal. You wanted her and Xander to develop feelings for each other. I can tell, because of the little hints in that one episode with the love song. You added Stevie so you could make a love triangle. And Kevin was there to "unconditionally" love Kacey no matter what because she's so damn perfect and perfect and perfect.
Are you starting to get it now?
But I'm not done, unless you are; feel free to stop reading at any time. Let's look at your "marvelous" plot.
Ok, so if Mary sue characters are selling, maybe music is selling too. And it is, it really is. So you have Kacey as the lead singer (of course) and she sucks. She can't sing, guys. And no one randomly stumbles across this band and says, "Oh hey! Maybe I can sing or something!" and then she can. No, guys…this doesn't happen. So basically, there is no plot, only mindless teenage drama. With some music.
So original, guys. You guys deserve a gold sticker. It's probably all you can afford now that your funding has been shut down.
So, characters suck. Plot sucks. So you decide to make it worse.
Your episodes are uninteresting. You try to make it relatable to a pre-teen, so girls can relate to this. If that is your goal…maybe you should try making it realistic? Just an idea.
No one gets castrated from society because they get glasses and braces. And that first episode basically convinces children that if they ever get glasses and braces, their life is over! Don't be idiots, guys, come on. You're adults, act like them. Also, I don't think the little "perfs" group dominates schools anymore. Get your heads out of the 70's.
Basically, your show is bad, and you should feel bad.
There's nothing you can do now. The show is dead. To Max Schneider and Lulu Antariska, I wish you the best. To Cymphonique Miller…you need more autotune.
If any of you fans are mad at me, it's cool. Go ahead and yell. Scream it out until you're deaf. Because I get it, guys. It's fine. I actually want to hear opinions. Just remember, I have no problem with any of you.
If any of you agree with me…thank you for keeping your eyes open. For knowing bad writing when you see it.
I might make a sequel to this rant when I get around to it, but until then, adieu.