Never Give In
Sam is hearing voices and doesn't know how to stop them.
Italic's is 'The Voice.'
Rated M for blood and self harm.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Sam's POV
It started when I was 6. Back then it was just one tiny whisper. Almost like a thought, but it didn't sound like all my other thoughts did. I told Dean about it and he told to keep my mouth shut and not tell dad. He said it wasn't normal, even for us. Of course I listened to him, he was my big brother and I looked up to him.
Now, it's the same voice, but it's louder, almost screaming, and it's there all the time.
'It's your fault Sammy. All of it. Your mom. As well as all the other people that have gotten hurt since then. It's your fault Dean grew up on the road without a mom or a proper home to live in. And your daddy had to spend the last 16 years without his Mary. If you weren't here Sammy, none of this would've happened.'
To begin with I ignored the voice. It was easier when it was just a little whisper, now it was harder.
"It's not true, it can't be." I whispered to myself, burying the heels of my hands in my eyes.
'Of course it is Sammy. Think about it. Before you came along, your family was happy. Mommy's dead because of you. Dean doesn't have a mommy anymore and daddy doesn't have a wife.'
It was the same thing over and over again but with each time it was said, it hurt that little bit more.
"Go away. Stop!" I growled loudly.
I was sitting in the motel on my bed. Dean and dad were out on a simple Salt 'N' Burn and had left me behind. Dad had told me he didn't want me getting in the way.
'That's right Sammy. Even daddy thinks you're in the way. Dean does too, he's just better at hiding it then daddy is. They'd be better off without ya Sam. Way better off.'
I covered my ears but the voice didn't stop. It never stopped.
'Tsk Tsk Sammy. After 10 years you still haven't learnt? Covering your ears doesn't help Sammy. As long as you're still breathing…I'm gonna be right here; whispering in your ear. You deserve this Sam. After everything you did, and everything you're gonna do. To your family and all those innocent people.'
"I didn't mean to I swear. I never meant to hurt anybody." Tears were falling fast down my face now as I cradled my head in my hands. My knees where pulled up to my chest and I rocked slowly back and forth.
'Crazy Little Sammy. Look at yourself. Rockin' back and forth like an insane person in a mental ward. I won't go away Sam…not until you do.'
"Then I'll go." I whispered to myself.
I stood up and walked over to the coffee table at pulled the motel stationary towards myself. I picked up the pen and started writing a letter to Dean.
When I was done, I folded the note in half, wrote Dean's name across the front and left it on the table. I stood in the middle of the room, looking around one last time.
'Poor little Sammy. Too weak and pathetic to face up his mistakes. Too weak to live with the guilt of what he's done to his own family. And to others.'
I walked over to my bed and pulled the Bowie Knife out from under my pillow and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
'Look at yourself; crying like a baby. That should be your name. It shouldn't be Samuel Winchester, it should be Pathetic and Worthless.'
I fell to my knees and more tears poured down my face.
'You're not gonna do it Sam; you're too weak and pathetic.'
I pulled up the left sleeve of my jacket and looked down at my scar covered arm. One scar for every time the voice had insulted me; there was a lot of scars.
'Come on Sammy. Don't be weak. DO IT! It's the only way you'll ever be able to save anybody. DO IT!'
I gripped the knife in my right hand and brought the knife down 4 times in row, watching as the blood rose quickly to the surface and rand down my wrist and hand to form a small pool on the bathroom floor.
'Really? That's not gonna cut it Sammy. You're gonna have to do better then that if you want to stop ruining people 's lives.'
I let out a sob as I realized the voice was right and more tears fell down my face.
I rested the knife at the crease of my elbow and pressed the blade down, watching blood start to surface once again before I dragged the knife down the length of my arm, stopping at my wrist where the other new cuts began. Blood flowed thick and fast down my arm and I nearly dropped the knife.
'Nearly there Sammy.'
I gripped the knife one last time and slashed at my wrist 3 more times before I dropped the knife. I slumped backwards into the wall as my vision went fuzzy and I could feel a slight stinging in my left arm. I saw the blood and a small smile crossed my face briefly before disappearing. As my eyes slipped closed I heard the voice speak one last time.
'You did good Sammy. No one else has to suffer now.'