Disclaimer: I own nothing.

What was I thinking when I wrote this? Something short and stupid.

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I'm Leaving You

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Rothion came stumbling through the front door to his house…drunk…again. This was the third time this week that he had come in this late at night. He had had one too many bottles of wine again and ended sleeping with the baker's daughter. His breath stank of liquor and he could barely stand now as he looked around the contents of his house.

"She was a really nice girl," he murmured on the verge of passing out. "Too bad her father never lets come out of that basement…"

His foot tripped over something on the floor and before he knew it, he was on the ground.

"Shit," he muttered. "What the hell was that?" He quickly glanced at what he had tripped over and his expression softened as he saw the sleeping body of Astaroth clutching his ax like a teddy bear.

"Only Astaroth." Three months ago, Rothion and Sophitia had been wandering the streets when they had found Astaroth, half-dead, begging for souls and food. Instantly drawn to him, the couple had taken the 6'3" golem in their home and treated him as their own son. He had been a massive help around the home, carrying out the couple's illegal business orders when they were too busy or training the children to steal without getting caught.

"Can't believe you're only seven, my son," Rothion spoke fondly as he rubbed Astaroth's scalp. Astaroth let out a loud snore and destroyed the dining table with his giant ax while turning around.

"Rothion!" The scream shattered the silence and Rothion winced as the sound of the voice pierced his ears.

"Hey honey," he said weakly.

"Don't hey honey me, you pathetic little twat," Sophitia fumed with her hands on her hips. She was dressed in a very revealing white dress that only barely covered her gigantic breasts. Rothion often wondered why she bothered dressing at all if her clothes didn't do any decent job of covering her. But hey, he didn't complain. Now if he could only get everyone else to stop staring at her.

"What's wrong?" Rothion said innocently.

"Wrong?" Sophitia screamed. "You come home drunk in the middle of the night after you forgot your son's birthday because you were screwing some whore in the baker's basement and you want to talk about what's wrong?!"

Rothion's jaw dropped. "What are you talking about? It's not our son's birthday. That's on the fifth!"

"Today is the fifth, you dumb shit!" Sophitia yelled, her voice loud enough to wake the whole town. "I can not believe you!"

Rothion's jaw dropped farther. He then recalled seeing his calendar which was carved on the dining table that morning. His heart sank. It was the fifth. He had forgotten his own son's birthday. His real son, that is.

"Sophitia," he whispered. "I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do, I'll-"

"No," Sophitia said firmly.

Rothion stopped in the middle of his pleading in disbelief. "No? What do you mean no?"

"I'm tired of this, Rothion," Sophitia said wearily. "The late nights, the alcoholism, the deflowering of innocent virgins in this town, the spreading of bastard children all over the damn place. I don't want to deal with it anymore."

"So what are you saying," Rothion asked, fearing the answer.

"I'm leaving you."

"You're leaving me?!" Rothion asked in disbelief. His anger overtook him and he began screaming in rage. "Who the fuck do you think you are, you dumb whore?! Go in the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich!"

"Fuck that shit!" Sophitia shouted back. "Is that all I am to do you?! A sandwich-maker?! Why don't you go in the kitchen and make your own damn sandwich for a change!"

"Ok, fine I will!" he bellowed as he stomped off in to the kitchen. He looked around for materials to make his sandwich, swearing furiously under his breath. He gathered all the materials and started to prepare the ingredients when he suddenly realized he never learned how to make a sandwich.

"Can't be that hard," he told himself. "If I just do this…and then this…No, that looks wrong."

As Sophitia paced around the living room, she heard Rothion's voice coming from the kitchen. "Oh shit, why is it moving like that?!" she heard him shriek.

Five hours later, Rothion came out of the kitchen holding a sloppy mess of various foods clumped together in one unholy mess of what could hardly qualify as a sandwich. He had sweated and toiled the last five hours trying to precisely stack the different ingredients on top of another but had failed numerous times.

He proudly bit into his creation and slowly munched on it while trying to remember what he had been doing before this. As he remembered, he resumed screaming at his wife, his mouth full of food.

"How can you do this to me?! We have a perfectly fine relationship!" he yelled, spraying the food in his mouth all over his wife.

"Fine!? You're barely around the house anymore. If you're not at your idiot friend's house getting drunk all the time, you're at the brothel doing Hephaestus-knows-what with some cheap skanks. We barely spend any time together anymore! We haven't had sex with each other for six months and we're married for crying out loud!" Sophitia shrieked, her face now covered with the food that had been in Rothion's mouth.

Rothion drank a cup of milk before proceeding to yell back at his wife. "You think maybe there's a reason for that?! Half the time you're off trying to save the world or whatever the hell you do on those trips of yours! How many guys have you screwed on those journeys, huh!?" he demanded.

Sophitia's eyes blazed. "For your information, I've only slept with 17 people while trying to protect our children from Soul Edge," she said icily.

"Only 17?!" Rothion yelled, his eyes bulging.

"That's nothing compared to Cassandra! Nothing! She's done 33!" Sophitia snapped.

"Your sister? She's already fucked up enough. Last time I heard of her, she ran off with some vampire from France or something! Anyways, this isn't about Cassandra, it's about us!"

"Us doesn't exist anymore, Rothion! Get that through your head!"

"Why don't you get to the damn point, woman!" Rothion yelled impatiently.

"I've met someone," Sophitia replied.

"Wh-What?" Rothion stammered. For the first time in a long time, the house was quiet.

"He's a family man. He can take care of the children, he can make his own sandwiches, and most of all…he can take care of me," Sophitia said.

Rothion dropped his half-eaten 'sandwich'. "Where is this son of a bitch?" growled Rothion.

"Inside this house right now."

"I'm going to kill him!" Rothion screamed in rage. He grabbed a nearby candlestick and started smashing everything in sight.

"Come out, you son of a bitch! I'll teach you to steal my wife! Come out, you coward!" he bellowed as he destroyed the furniture.

Suddenly, a new figure came into the room. Rothion's eyes widened in shock as he let go of the candlestick. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me." He turned to Sophitia. "You're leaving me for him?!" he asked in shock.

Sophitia walked over to the one who had just entered and gave him a swift peck on the cheek. "Yes."

"Baby, he's not even human!" Rothion pleaded as he looked into the face of the one who had just torn his life apart.

"Yes, he is," Sophitia snapped. "So what if he has some…lizard like qualities? He satisfies me, Rothion. And that's more than I can say for you." Lizardman growled at Rothion. Sophitia approached Rothion, looked at him directly in his eyes and spoke in a clear, firm voice.

"Get the fuck out of my house, and don't ever let me see you again."

Rothion slumped dejectedly and dragged himself out of the house. He sat down outside, where he spent the rest of the night drinking and listening to Sophitia's moans of pleasure as she and Lizardman made love all night long.