On a rug, in front of the fire.
Disclaimer: No, I do not own the Avengers comics franchise, neither did I make the movie. If I had directed a movie which has grossed over one billion dollars worldwide and broke all sorts of records, do you really think I'd be sitting at home, writing fanfiction? That said I've seen it a few times since it came out.
Summary: They needed to know, even if it had nothing to do with them, because there was no way that they could be just friends.
If there was one thing Tony Stark knew, it was when people were keeping something from him, call it a sixth sense, he on the other hand preferred to call it sickening. The idea of his teammates hiding something like this from the rest of them, from him. The idea was unheard of, and yet they had done it anyway, and it had been with that in mind the leader of the Avengers had decided something needed to be done.
That he was the only person of the bizarre mishmash group who thought so, wasn't lost on him, not when you took in just who was part of that group. One Bruce Banner, who when he wasn't trying to keep himself calm enough to be around them on a daily basis, had decided to avoid one of the people in question as much as they could. Having nearly killed her would do that to a person. Steve Rodgers was still trying to adjust to the world around him; his 1940's upbringing meant that he was just too shy to approach the topic at hand. Tony doubted the man had been made aware of freely distributed porn yet, but was planning on rectifying that next.
"Tony, what they do in their free time isn't our business." Sighing in exasperation as he spoke, everything about this screamed bad idea to Bruce. As far as he knew, there was nothing to say that they couldn't have a relationship, agents of S.H.I.E.L.D couldn't they knew that, but Avengers? He hadn't read any memos about what they could and couldn't do.
"And you're not the slightest bit interested in what they do?" Smirking as he led them through the corridors of Stark tower, or the newly dubbed 'Avengers tower' depending on who you were taking to. Tony was only partially glad Thor wasn't back yet, fully aware that the God would have been as against this, as the other two members of his team were. "We're just going to ask him a few questions, that's all." Yes, him. He had learnt the hard way not to tell the Black Widow that the walls and ceiling weren't sound proofed just yet and needed to quieten down. What had been nothing other than him throwing the bait out there to see if she'd bite, had ended with him being thrown onto his back with the red headed woman standing over him.
"Tony, if they want to have relations with one another, why does it concern us?" Slight traces of embarrassment laced Steve's words as he continued to follow, briefly wondering just how none of them had gotten lost yet in this maze of a house. "It's a private act between a man and a woman, not something that friends should be harassing them about." As soon as the words were out of his mouth he knew they had been a bad idea from the smirks on the faces of both Tony and Bruce. Captain America had found that he had to be reminded numerous times, that people no longer found a problem with sharing their sexual exploits with their closest friends. In fact it was something that people seemed to do quite happily, even if he thought of it as disrespectful to the parties involved.
"You know Rodgers, the second you decide to make up for the fact you were frozen for seventy years and actually have sex, you'll change your tune." Fighting back the laughter as he spoke, Tony stuck his head into another room, only to sigh in annoyance. "Jarvis?"
"Agent Barton is currently in the kitchen," the A.I.'s voice rang out with its presence, only startling one person in the group as they were reminded that the computer kept a track of them at all times. "He's currently alone; Agent Romanoff is with Miss Potts on the first floor, altering your security detail." Half wanting to whoop in excitement and the other half wanted to curse the two women in his tower.
The only way Tony had been able to convince the master assassin and spy to live in his tower was to agree that they could improve his security procedures and programmes he had designed. Sadly, that meant both of them would break into his house, at different points during the week. Then proceed to destroy everything he had re-created, before dropping his broken toys back on the desk of his workshop as they laughed. Even though he had complained about the broken security drones at the end of these sessions, Tony couldn't deny that they were useful in some small ways at least. If he could prevent the two of them breaking in without receiving so much as a scratch, then he was pretty certain he could prevent anyone from breaking into the tower.
"Agent Barton, just the man we wanted to see." Calling out to the younger man like they were old friends, Tony happily sat himself in the closest chair to the archer, who hadn't as so much looked up from the newspaper that held his attention. "Do you mind if I call you Clint?" He received no answer from the other man, as Bruce and Steve sat further down the table, trying to show they had nothing to do with what was going to happen next.
"Do you have everything you need in your room? I could get you a new T.V. a new cover for your Ipad...an Ipad." Still no reaction was shown as he continued to ramble, still he wouldn't be deterred. "You know I had your T.V. hooked up to my personal favourites on the Playboy channel, and yet I don't think you've so much as looked at it yet." Picking up the cup of cold coffee that was sitting on the table, and smiling around the rim as he winced at the taste of it, Tony could do nothing for the gleam in his eyes, as Barton looked up at him.
"What's the Playboy channel?" The anticipated question didn't take long to come, however no one turned to the blond who had asked.
"Its porn Steve," Bruce answered when it seemed like no one else would, even as he found his attention drawn to the staring contest going on between Hawkeye and Tony, as the two sized each other up.
"Were are you going with this Stark?" He knew even as he asked the question, of course he knew, how could he not know? That being said, Clint wanted to know if the man had that little regard for personal boundaries, he was actually going to go there.
"I was just wondering if there was a reason the most extensive and erotic collection of cinema goes untouched in your room." Trying to sound innocent and failing miserably as his snarky grin grew wider. "Maybe someone else is doing the job it instead."
"In my room, no." Shaking his head as he spoke, Barton didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or smack the older man for the complete lack of subtly he had.
His response, however, had caused Tony to lean back in his chair as he moved the cup away from his mouth, no longer pretending that he was drinking it. Instead his chin rested in his hand, as he took in the piece of information he had been fed.
"Of course not the bed, no if I had to guess I'd say it was too soft for either one of you. It'd be too civilian to do it there." Grinning as he tried to work out the puzzle he was being handed, noting that the look was being mirrored on the person opposite him. "If it was somewhere in the tower we would have known by now, unless it happens on the roof." Pausing as he spoke once again, Tony knew he was going to get nothing from him and he would have to work it out himself. "It wouldn't be hard for both of you to get up there, she's certainly limber enough." No one needed to say just who the she was meant to be, and if you did need to be told, then no one here was going to do it.
"Why would the bed be too civilian?" Asking once again, Steve was unwittingly showing he had no grasp on relationships in the 21st century, as he looked around at the other three men sitting at the table. One in barely disguised mirth, the other trying to pretend he wasn't as interested in the conversation as he actually was, and the third appearing to the world that he was having a conversation no more personal than the weather.
"People like to experiment nowadays Rodgers, go where the mood takes them, if that so happens to be up against a wall, then who'll judge." Not taking his eyes off of Barton as he spoke to the Captain, his eyebrow raised as he tossed out the last comment, looking for some reaction, anything, Tony was disappointed.
"Tony that's enough; you've had your fun." Bruce tried to interject, more than worried that things were going to get out of hand, all it would take was one comment and he doubted he'd see his friend again.
"It's fine Banner," dismissing him entirely, Clint kept his focus on the man in front of him, thoroughly amused by the situation. "He's way off anyway." Throwing him a bone, just to see where he'd run with it, Hawkeye wasn't shocked by the glint hardening in his opposite number.
"Ok," titling his head as he spoke, it would never be said that Anthony Stark didn't take advantage of a situation once it was handed to him. "There's no bite marks on your neck, neither of you ever walk with a limp." Scooting his chair around the table so the pair were face to face, sitting barely a foot apart from one another, the entertained smirk that was etched on his face, was only mirrored in Barton's eyes. What's more, it was only visible if you knew what you were looking for. "There's no ligature marks on your wrists, you don't tie each other up, so there's no dominance thing going on." Continuing almost as if he wasn't aware there were two more people sitting in the kitchen with him, Tony's mind had rationalised that neither of them were going to help him in his endeavour.
"He's gonna kill him, actually murder him with an arrow." This time it was Bruce's comment that went ignored by everyone around the table, even if he would deny his interest was piqued the longer this went on.
"Somewhere far away so no one can find you." Pausing as he thought about what he knew of the pair, however brief that might have been. "Somewhere Romanoff is comfortable, Russia, Kola Peninsula, there's a cabin there that you bought." Tony kept going as black eyes bore into grey ones, all the while knowing he wouldn't find anything unless it was given to him. "She was shocked at first, angry even that you bought something for the pair of you, something that crossed boundaries that you'd agreed upon." A tilt of his head was all that he used to indicate he was waiting to see if this was along the right track, though if he received anything from the other man, it wasn't picked up upon by Bruce or Steve. "She eventually came around to the idea after awhile; you couldn't keep using all your free time on the Hellicarrier. A man like you, the furniture is kept to a bare minimum, a couch, table, some chairs."
"Stark you have far too much time on your hands, if this is what you spend doing with it." Wanting to sigh in annoyance and at the same time laugh at the other man's persistence, Barton just folded his arms across his chest. "I'll be sure to let Fury know you need to be kept busier."
"It doesn't happen when you first get there," ignoring the other man as he continued, his mind screaming that he was getting closer to the truth. "That's not where you'd rush; you've gone there because you care." Mimicking the position of Hawkeye, Tony's fingers drummed a beat onto his arm, which only he could hear. "You go for a meal before hand; she'd be wearing that dress she wore to my birthday, but it's too cold just for that so you've bought her a coat. Mink." His eyes widened at the genuinely amused laughter coming from the person he was trying to pick apart, and could do nothing but inch closer. "She'd remind you that the next time you buy her something that doesn't let her castrate a man you'll spend the rest of your life celibate like Rodgers over there."
Steve nearly choked on the glass of water he had attempted to drink, in an effort to have something to do, other than listen to the story that was being spun. Already red in the face due the images of a man and woman tying each other to the bed, but after that comment he could do nothing other than glare at the side of Stark's head.
"There'd be a meal so you'd need a suit, naturally you'd have one tailor made already for the occasion." Indicating to Clint with the cup that had been sitting idly for too long, the coffee staining the inside of it. "She'd order Kotlety and a glass of wine, you're more of a steak main and never quite got the taste for wine; beer is something you drink when you're waiting for a new mission from Fury." Nodding to himself as he spoke, not caring whether anyone was truly paying him any attention anymore, it was always said Tony Stark could carry a conversation with himself.
"And after the meal, what then?" Not knowing why he continued to feed him, Clint knew that he was going to pay for this, yet he couldn't find himself able to stand up and walk out of the room.
"I knew you'd ask about that." Sounding like an excited child, Tony nearly jumped up from his chair as he couldn't wait to continue his theory. "When you get back to the cabin, she'd light the fire, a log fire that you had built in. There's more vodka in there, a more expensive brand than what you order in the restaurant, her favourite. You'll undress one another, because no one else is allowed to, there's more than enough glares when the both of you are training if someone so much as looks. You don't use the bed; it's the rug next to the fire, something that one of you killed." Grinning to the room, proud of himself as he saw the pieces fall into place now that he'd finished his story, pieces that now made more sense since he'd said them.
"Miss Potts and Agent Romanoff will be arriving in the kitchen in two minutes." Jarvis' voice ringing out around the kitchen was enough to catch the four men off guard, having been too caught up with the story that Tony had spun.
"Well this has been fun," standing from his chair second after the announcement, Clint placed one hand on Tony's shoulder before leaning towards the other man, unable to stop the smirk from forming on his face. "I said my bed wasn't used, because yours is bigger." A firm squeeze to Stark's shoulder before he turned away, Barton kept his face blank as he walked towards the kitchen door, letting his words sink in, and then.
"Sir, Miss Potts has also informed me that you'll need to go to the tailor, several of your suits are missing their ties." A confused frown formed on his face as he listened to the words, as he couldn't understand why any of his ties would be missing. Inexplicably, Tony turned his gaze in the direction that Hawkeye had gone, and found himself wanting to swear at the wicked grin that was being aimed back in his direction.