Hi! Thanks for dropping by! All I started with was "Link is a jerk, Zelda is a priss, Gage is a Shakespearean-insult spewing jerk, and I really want to write the Stagnox battle." On another note, I'll probably draw another cover to make it even more obvious that Zelda's picking her nose, not just scratching it, hurr hurr.

To new readers (probably most people): in later chapters, you'll see AN's from many years past. Those dates are correct. I've had this story on my mind for a long time and have no intention of abandoning it until it's complete. I hope you'll enjoy it!

Edit 15 Nov. '16: Changed the title from non-tasty blandness. Hooray!

This story takes place centuries ago. It's the story of the first people of Hyrule.

At first, everything was good, for the peaceful spirits watched over the land, but, one day, life as everyone knew it ended.

The Demon King had secretly been gaining power, and he unleashed it on the land. Soon, he was known as the Destroyer. He left nothing standing in his wake.

The spirits of good were forced to do battle, and the war that followed seemed to last an eternity, leaving many terribly wounded... or dead.

Finally, the spirits weakened the Demon King enough to trap him in a Tower, and they placed shackles all over the land to ensure his imprisonment.

After that great act, the weakened spirits of good couldn't continue living in the land of mortals, so they returned to the heavens. Before they left, however, they left their land...

to us.

—

"Ah, wow," Niko sighed. He was a dreary old man, and my foster dad, with balding white hair and super wrinkly skin. He reminded me of a moldy prune. He said, "I doubt there's a single person in Hyrule who likes telling that story more than I do. What do you think, Link? Hey… did you… Link?"

I have to admit. I'd been nodding off from the start. I was in my engineer outfit, a slightly formal blue suit and a red cap that has a white bird design on it, and I was comfortably curled up on the carpet. I sat up and rubbed my eyes with my blond hair ruffled from napping on the floor.

"What! You did fall asleep!" he shrieked. "Now, Link! I need someone to practice this to! And with me putting this head over your roof, it's the least you could do to lis... 'Head over your roof...'?" He was silent for a moment before shaking his head. "Link! You know people come from far away each year to hear this! I mean, I mean..." He indecisively moved his lips for a moment without saying anything. "This..." he said a bit quieter, "...will someday be all that's left of my existence..." He trailed off and sighed.

He looked to me for a bit of support, but I wasn't about to support his boring storytelling.

Niko waved a hand. "Okay, okay. Sorry for bothering you." After he'd finished that sentence, the front door opened and shut with someone's arrival. Niko perked up. "Oh hey there, Alfonzo!"

I turned around to Alfonzo, my dark-skinned mentor, looming over me. The pink scar under his eye seemed to glare at me. Alfonzo's pretty tall compared to most, and he was wearing his own engineer outfit, except his was brown, and he even wore his matching bandanna across his forehead, with the little bird design on it. His blue tattoo swirled out from under his uniform.

"Oh, come on, now, Link," he huffed. He suddenly reached down towards me with his gloved hands and picked me up off the floor. He shook me and yelled, "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!"

"Whoa! Hey! Hey! Quit it!" I flailed around to get him to drop me. "Stop it! I'm awake!"

"Don't you remember how important today is? It's the day you receive your certificate to be an engineer, and you get to meet the princess!"

"What? I thought that was next week," I said. Alfonzo dropped me, and he and Niko gave me blank stares. I scrambled to stand up. "No, no, sorry, I mean DUH. Of course it's today."

"You forgot," Alfonzo said. "I can't believe you, Link… I can't believe…" He shook his head. "Meet me at the train in five minutes if you want to come. You don't, I'll go by myself and tell Zelda you didn't want your certificate."

Alfonzo walked outside, still shaking his head, and once he'd disappeared, Niko said, "You'd better hurry. You know Alfonzo isn't the most patient guy around."

"Yeah, I do know, okay?" I said, and, again, nodded before snatching up my backsack and rushing outside.

Niko's house is a cozy little place by the beach, part of a village called Aboda Village. And by "cozy little place" I mean Niko's is the largest house in the village, with a humongous ship mast on the roof. When someone asks about it, all he says is Oh, something from history before sighing and looking away.

So, anyway, Aboda is on the shore, with green grass stretching away from the ocean in all directions, a couple houses for the minuscule population, and palm trees scattered throughout the place.

I was rushing to the train station, and was just a few yards away from it, when a kid barred my way into it. Joe. Him and his stupid orange hair and stupid overalls, and especially his stupid nose that he always needs to wipe. At that given moment, his snot was dribbling onto his overalls' buttons.

He sneered. I yeeshed. That was a nasty puddle of crusty snot on his overalls. "Link, so you're going to be an engineer? I don't believe it." My mouth twitched and I glared. I hated him.

He went on, "You're such a wimp! Can't even do a stupid somersault. I mean, come on! If you can be an engineer, anybody can, and that's a fact." He stuck his tongue out at me. "But, you know..." He thoughtfully brought his index finger to his chin. "...if you somersaulted into, I don't know, that tree..." He motioned towards a young palm tree to his left and grinned maliciously. "...I might believe it. 'Cause someone told me you can't somersault, and what kind of wimp would a person like that be?"

" 'Can't do a somersault'? What idiot told you that?!"

I shoved him out of the way, did what he said, and landed on my back. I stood up and stuck my tongue out at him. Then I heard something soft fall off the tree and break on the ground. "Oh, crap… I didn't just…" I looked over to see a smashed bee hive lying right by my head with a mass of angry bees swarming out of it. I stared at them like a moron for a moment with my mouth hanging open. I was about to punch Joe, but he was long gone, heading into his house on the other side of the village, far away from where I was.

"Ha ha ha! You idiot!" He broke up into laughter and slammed the door behind himself.

"Crap!" I yelled, shooting up from my spot and towards the train station. "ALFONZO! HURRY UP!" I screeched at the still-closed doors.

The doors slowly parted to let the train from inside the building out. I anxiously bounced in my spot and shook my fists up and down, urging the doors to open faster. "Come on, come on…"

The train leisurely came chugging out of the small building, and Alfonzo put on the brakes and hopped off in front of me. "To get your certificate, you're going to have to—"

"I don't care! Get the train started!" His eyes widened and I hopped into the engineer's seat. "Hurry up and get in the frikkin' train!" The bees were swarming closer, and Alfonzo was still ready to give me a lecture. "HURRY!"

He shook his head and boarded. The train started up again and I set the train at full throttle before it had even heated up.

"Link! You need to—"

"I don't give a crap right now! I have to get out of here!" A few bees made it to me, but I squashed them against my arm before they were able to do anything, leaving green bee guts on my outfit. Yup, that was really pleasant. Not like I cared that much, though. I was able to get through that unstung, so I was pretty relieved, but still wary and breathing heavily.

After only half a minute, the train was passing through the countryside and hastily moving away from my village. My breathing was gradually slowing down, and when the last bee fell behind the train, I let out a loud sigh.

Alfonzo stuck his head out of the caboose of the train. "What was that all about?" he asked.

"Bee trouble."

"Again?"

"Say anything about the last attack, and I'll kill you. I don't care if you used to be the best swordsman in the kingdom; I'll find a way."

"Jeez. I was just wondering. You've always been so irritable, Link."

"Oh, Link's always so irritable? Are you talking about my dad or my great-great-grandpa?" I angrily gritted my teeth. Link this, Link that. My dad's name is Link, my grandpa's name is Link, his dad's name was Link, his dad's name was Link, HISdad's name was Link, every guy in my family EVER has been named Link! Wait… I think his dad was named Joe. Crap. Those stupid Joes. Not like it matters, but I think everyone gets it. And there aren't even any 'Junior's or 'II's to go after a name. It's just 'Link.' Why is my family like that? It's ridiculous!

Before Alfonzo could say anything, I blared the train's whistle to get a pig in the middle of the tracks to move out of the way. I didn't bother slowing down. They always waited until the last second anyways. Right before I ran it over, the pig let out a frightened squeal and galloped out of the way. "That's better," I mumbled.

"Remember to always watch the other trains and make sure that you're not going to crash into them."

"No duh."

"Just reminding you."

"I don't need reminding! I've done this a million and six times! And I've never crashed, have I? I'm one of the best engineers in the kingdom!"

"Well, it's true, but you're technically not an engineer yet… And no one's going to want to be in the same train with you acting like… you. Besides, we've done this only twenty other times."

"Do you think I care?"

"No, but—"

"Exactly."

Soon enough, I arrived at the castle. Alfonzo started, "Remember to come to a gentle stop..."

If the reverse is used while moving, it acts like an emergency brake, and it's the most efficient and easiest way to slow down. Alfonzo and every engineer I know doesn't like doing it that way because it's 'bad for the wheels.'

SCREEEEEEEE!

...But there's always repairs to be done on the trains anyways.

"Well," Alfonzo said, "you got to Castle Town fine, which I guess means you passed, but try to be gentler on the wheels at the stop next time."

"As if," I grumbled. "Okay, I'm going to the castle for the ceremony now."

"Link, if you could just control your temper, you'd be the best engineer in the kingdom. Anyway, good luck at the ceremony." He gave me a smooth cheerful nod, and I gave him a curt nod in reply and jogged off to the castle.

By the arches that led onto the castle's property, there was a bouncing red mailbox. I have no idea why it was always bouncing around like that. Maybe it was excited to give people their mail?

When I was passing by it to get into the castle, I heard a "Ch ch ch ch" like someone trying to mimic some kind of train. I stopped to peer over to my left, and there he was: some guy with squinty eyes and a red uniform that had three large black buttons snapping shut the middle. He had a hat of his own; it was mostly red with a curling white design in the middle and horizontal navy blue stripes at both the top and the bottom.

I kept walking to the castle, and he was walking at a pretty fast pace, moving his arms back and forth in a way to mimic the axles of a train's wheels, and, instead of going past like I'd expected him to, he came right up to me and said, "Howdy doodly doo, mister!" He stopped and saluted. "You Link?"

"Yeah…"

"All right! Everything's going spick-spot!" He seemed like he was celebrating something before going on, "So how's it going for you this fine morning? And you can just call me Postman, 'cause I'm here to deliver your letters! And have I got a letter for you! From the Postmaster himself!" He smiled, shuffling through a small brown leather bag at his waist. "Well, what do you think about today's weather? What's bringing you to Castle Town? You doin' okay, kid? I think that today's amazing so far. Oh, by the way, have you heard about the tracks disappea... Here you go!" he said, suddenly holding out a letter sealed with a wax stamp.

"Er… thanks…" I grabbed it and almost commented something along the lines of "You sure this isn't my dad's?" just to get on his nerves, but I decided against it.

"Well, I'm done here, so see you later, Link, mister!" He walked off doing his "Ch ch ch" thing again, and I shook my head, thinking about how odd that guy was.

After putting the unopened letter in my backsack, I strolled up to the front of the castle, but the way in was barred by two guards dressed in green: a stout one and a tall and skinny one.

"Hey, I need to get in," I told them.

"Oh, pfft, sure. Get lost, kid."

"I'm here to get my engineer certificate," I growled.

"Ah, I completely forgot that today was the ceremony! There's no need to be so uptight, though, kid. Just didn't think they gave certificates to little kids like you." He and his pal moved out of the way and I went into the castle.

The inside seemed like some kind of dungeon to me. Well, yeah, there were nice red carpets here and there, but that still didn't change its harsh, stony look. The entrance had an expensive red carpet trailing up to stairs ten yards or so beyond the entrance. A basin of water surrounded those stairs for what reason? I don't know. Maybe to try to make it look nicer.

To get to the stairs, though, I had to talk to yet another guard who was standing in front of them like a boring stick.

"Hey, let me past," I said.

As if he were reading a script, he kept looking straight ahead. "With Zelda up these stairs," he said, "only invited guests are allowed in. For you and every other short toddler in Hyrule, that means GET LOST!"

Wait a sec, what sort of script mentions toddlers and— "HEY, JERK!" I jumped up onto my toes to glare into his face and retorted, "Do you know what that means for you? OUT OF MY WAY!" I was ready to shove past him when a high, squeaky voice rang across the room.

"What's all the commotion here?"

I looked down to see a strange leprechaun-like man, a couple inches shorter than me, dressed in all green and wearing one hat on either side of his head, both kinda just slumping to the sides as if something under them were magically holding them on. What the…? He had an orange moustache and orange hair. His clothes were rather fancy - kind of show-offy.

"Oh, good day, Chancellor Cole!" the guard addressed the short man. "Apologies for the disturbance. It's just that this boy wants to get past. I can only wonder why."

"Oh?" Cole asked, now looking at me. "Are you here for the graduation ceremony? But you're so young! I can't imagine anyone with brains worth having being your age." I bit my tongue to keep from shouting at that remark. Twelve isn't too young, you nincompoop fleabrain! "What a waste of resources. The Spirit Tracks are vanishing, yet they appoint such small toddlers to drive our trains."

Toddlers? Come on! I'm not THAT short!

"Well, come along. Don't be late." His gaze went to the guard. "Don't just stand there like a drooling mutter! Move it!"

"Y-yes, sir!" the guard stuttered. He stepped to the side and Cole went up the stairs. I didn't want to follow Cole – especially after he'd just called me a toddler – but I did anyway and stuck my tongue out at the guard as I went past.