Ch 1 - Dancing on My Own
I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her
I'm right over here, why can't you see me
And I'm giving it my all but I'm not the guy you're taking home
I keep dancing on my own
She always said she hated PDA. And yet there he was, hand placed on her lower back, guiding her across the room as they greet a few of the partners.
She looked happy. Happier then he'd seen her look in a long time. He should be happy for her. He wants to be happy for her.
And yet, he finds himself alone at the bar, finding the bottom of his glass for the second time that evening. The thought of his hands on her driving him to order another, and another.
How did he let it get to this? Watching as he makes her laugh, he feels sick. That should be him making her laugh, telling her how beautiful she looked, like he likely had when he picked her up.
He knows he screwed up and watching her in the arms of another man he fears he'll never get the chance to try and make it right. He supposes it's for the best, she deserves better. He stays rooted in his spot as Louis gets up to thank everyone for coming and welcomes everyone to the dance floor. If he hadn't been required to attend, he wouldn't be within 50 miles of this place, watching her follow him onto the dance floor. He watches as he takes her in his arms and sways her to the music. She finds Harvey's eyes over his shoulder and sends him a tight-lipped smile.
What is he doing? Was he really going to let her slip away without telling her? But how could he tell her after all these years? He couldn't be the person to take away her chance at happiness, not again. So, he returns her smile and turns back to his drink. He's numb with pain. This is his life now, and there's nothing he can do about it. She's gone and he's just going to have to accept it.
Thomas was a wonderful man. He made her laugh, he was interested in her work and he made her feel loved. There was just one problem; he wasn't Harvey.
She hated PDA, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself to tell Thomas that, so she let his hand linger across her back as they greeted several of the firm's partners.
She was happy, truly happy, for the first time in a long time. But part of her heart still ached over a man that was never even hers.
Things between her and Harvey were different lately. Ever since she introduced him to Thomas the dynamic between them had shifted. Rather than the "back-to-normal" flirty friendship they fell into after his failed relationship with Paula, the pair settled for a strictly business relationship; only conversing when work required they do so, making small talk to fill the silence. It was similar to the relationship they shared when she first went to work for Louis, and she hated it.
In the past when she talked about her relationships with Harvey, he would pretend to be un-bothered, though he often later admitted he despite the fact he was bothered, he didn't want more. This time was no exception. When she told him she was seeing someone, he said he was happy for her. His mouth may have said he was happy for her, but she swore his eyes were saying otherwise. Maybe she was imaging it, because deep down part of her would always want him to fight for her. But she had decided she couldn't wait around forever. She deserved to be happy, and if Thomas made her happy then what did it matter what Harvey thought.
Thomas was being the perfect gentlemen this evening, as always. He told her how stunning she looked in her emerald green dress when he picked her up, passing her a small bouquet of lilies as he kissed her hello. She was never a huge fan of lilies, but the gesture made her smile. They meet three months prior at a firm event much like the one they were attending tonight. Thomas had been a long-time client at the firm but the pair had never been introduced, not formally. She thinks back to that night as she watches Harvey place his empty glass on the bar and head outside, over Thomas' shoulder as he twirls her across the dance floor.
She never minded the black-tie firm events. She was great in social situations and could easily read the room, but she knew Harvey hated them. He'd been complaining about this particular event to her for the past two weeks over late-night drinks. Late night drinks that had become a nightly routine for Harvey and Donna. She agreed they could meet in his office for drinks before heading to the party, just to help put him at ease.
She'd already gone home to change and was sitting at her desk when she hears a slight knock on the door.
"Donnnaa" he grins
"Harvey" she counters
"You look incredible" he smiles causing her cheeks to redden
"Thank you, you don't clean up so badly yourself" she flirts and rounds her desk until she is close enough to reach out and straighten his tie
"What would I do without you?" he smirks, breathing in her perfume and letting the back of his palm brush against hers.
"Let's hope you never have to find out" she smiles. Even though they're just joking around she somehow always managed to reassure him that she wasn't going anywhere.
He makes his way to her decanter and pours them both a drink. The past few months they'd been spending more and more time together outside the office, Harvey often coming up with excuses for them to do things together. He liked spending time with her, and the more time they spent together the more certain he became about the way that he loved her. He had been debating telling her for a while but a small nagging thought in the back of his mind was holding him back. She didn't feel anything when she kissed him.
It never occurred to him that she may have lied to spare his relationship, so he decided it would be best for their friendship if he didn't bring up his feelings; as hard as that may suddenly seem to be for a man who had always been so emotionally unavailable.
"He brings her drink over to her and joins her on the couch with a small exhausted sigh.
"Busy week?" she asks
"It's always a busy week lately… With Louis trying to bring in so many new clients it's been a busy month"
"I'm proud of you, you know?" she smiles
"Why's that?" he asks, sliding closer to her as he waits for her answer.
"Working so well with Louis as managing partner"
"That's because when Louis asks me to do something, I know most of the time it's coming from you" he grins
"So basically, what your saying is you work for me now" she winks
"Let's not get carried away" he chuckles, "We both know I would do anything for you" he says, eyes meeting hers and turning the light conversation into a more serious one in an instant.
Her eyes meet his and she holds his gaze, the specks of hazel in his eyes evident under the office lighting; she'd never noticed how nice his eyes were before.
"Anything?" she near whispers bringing her gaze momentarily down towards his lips
"Anything" he whispers back, reaching his tongue out to wet his lower lip as closes his eyes and leans in slightly. He can hear her breath catch in her throat as she mirrors his movements, leaning in towards him, the smell of her perfume intoxicating as she closes her eyes and places a gentle hand on his knee. He hadn't planned on this happening, but maybe it was his opportunity to see if she truly felt nothing when she kissed him. He knew this probably wasn't the best idea, it would likely complicate things between them, but he wanted nothing more then to feel her lips on his. He's so close he can feel her breath on his lips when Louis interrupts with a loud, "There you two are! I thought we were meeting in the lobby 10 minutes ago" Ruining the moment, whatever the moment was, and leaving only the ghost of her lips on his.
"Sorry Louis, I guess we just lost track of time" Donna mumbles, scrambling to grab her belongings and keep her composer.
The pair follow Louis onto the elevator and into the car waiting outside. The ride to the party is silent, neither Harvey nor Donna wanting to address their maybe moment at all, let alone with Louis present. Louis reminds them to book their flights to the upcoming firm retreat. As managing partner, he had decided it was important for the partners in the firm to get along; in a few months they were spending a week in Utah, getting to know each other. She doesn't know what came over her, so she chalks it up to a moment of weakness. The last few months her and Harvey had been spending a lot of time together and it was getting harder to keep her feelings bottled up. She always assumed there was something there between them and kissing him in her office confirmed what she suspected all those years of working side by side. She didn't expect Harvey to kiss her back, but he did, and she was hoping he had the same realization she did; she wanted more. But he snapped at her afterwards, blaming her for making him the one thing he always loathed; a cheater. She doubts their kiss alone was the reason his relationship with Paula came to an end, but she felt guilty that it was such a large factor, so she lied and told him she didn't feel anything. Harvey's reaction to their shared kiss was not at all what she had hoped for, but they had somehow recovered and made it back to the flirty relationship they called normal.
Harvey's mind is spinning on the way to the party and he wonder's what she's thinking. By the time the car pulls up to the curb outside of the party, he's made up his mind about one thing, he's going to tell her he wants more tonight.
The party is a typical black-tie firm event; cocktails, music, dancing, all things Harvey is not a fan of. He orders two drinks from the bar and brings one over to where Donna is mingling with a few clients.
"Thank you" she smiles. He nods back and joins in on the group conversation. Just as she's about to finish her drink her leans over and whispers in her ear, "Dance with me"
Her stomach flips as the words leave his mouth as more of a statement then a question and she sends a questioning look in his direction. Harvey Specter did not dance at firm events. He was a strictly business man who attended events to keep up appearances and sign new clients. She was well aware of this, which is why she decides to let her curiosity get the best of her and next thing she knows he's leading her to the dance floor.
They dance to a few songs and chit chat about firm business and the attendees at the party as Harvey twirls her around to the upbeat tune until the next song that plays is much slower. She's ready for him to release her from his grip when he pulls her flush against his chest and begins to sway them to the music. She rests her head on his shoulder as the music drones on and he closes his eyes, both enjoying the closeness of the other.
"Donna" he says, looking down at her
"Yes?"
"There's something I want to talk to you about. Well tell you really" he mumbles, he's nervous.
"What is it Harvey?" she smiles
"Do you remember before your promotion when you came to me and said you wanted more?" he begins
"Yes?" she says hesitantly, unaware of where he's going with this.
"Well I…"
"Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to welcome the chair of tonight's event for a few words" he's cut off by the MC for the evening.
He slowly releases Donna from his arms as they make their way back towards the table Louis is standing at. Before they reach Louis, he pauses and places his hand on her arm, "Can we finish this later?"
"Sure" she smiles back.
When they reach Louis, he tells Harvey one of his clients, Mr. Clarkson had been looking for him so Harvey heads out to see if he can find him. Louis pauses to introduce Donna to the group of clients he's talking to, Susan Parks, Zachary Waters and Thomas Kessler. She shakes each of their hands and joins in on the group conversation, the handsome Thomas Kessler eyeing her not going unnoticed, she was Donna after all. Once a few members of the group excuse themselves from the conversation, Thomas asks if he can buy her a drink. Then he asks her to dance. He was incredibly charming, a great conversationalist, and seemed genuinely interested in her work and she was having a lovely evening getting to know him.
When Harvey returns from speaking with Mr. Clarkson he scans the room for Donna to find her dancing with a handsome tall man he recognizes as one of Louis clients. He thought nothing of it until he watched as Thomas placed a kiss on Donna's cheek causing her to blush. God damn it. Why tonight of all nights? He thinks to himself as he orders another drink.
Donna excuses herself to head to the washroom when she runs into Harvey who is on his way out, coat in hand.
"There you are! I've been looking all over for you" she exclaims
"You seemed a little busy to me" Harvey mumbles, watching as Donna's smiles slowly falls
"Harvey" she tries
"It's alright Donna, go and have a nice night, I was just headed out anyways"
"Didn't you have something you wanted to tell me?" she asks
He pauses for a moment. It was now or never. But his confidence from early was shaken after seeing her face light up as she listened to Thomas tell her a joke, and that voice in the back of his head was screaming 'SHE DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING WHEN SHE KISSED YOU'
"It's not important anymore. Goodnight Donna" he offers a smile as he walks past her in the direction of the door.
She's left wondering what he wanted to tell her, part of her hopeful that he was going to tell her he realized he wanted more. She's deep in thought when Thomas comes up behind her and taps her lightly on the shoulder, coat in hand, "Ready to go?" he asks
"Yes" she smiles and takes his hand as they leave the party.
The next few weeks at the office are awkward. Harvey seems to be avoiding her and she wonder's if he's heard that she's been going on dates with Thomas. She decides to give him space until she and Thomas decide to make it official and she feels she should tell him. He accepts what she tells him with a small smile and tells her he's happy for her, when he fears she may have just shattered his heart with the news. He wants to be happy for her, but he can't get past the anger he feels at himself for waiting so long to tell her how he feels.
He even meets Thomas one day when he picks Donna up after work and smiles politely and shakes his hand, even thought he wants to punch this guy right in his handsome face. He can't bring himself to do that to her, not when she's happy.
They stop spending time together outside of work. They barely have conversations if not about work. The shift in dynamic between the name partner and COO does not go unnoticed by their coworkers but not one dares to bring it up. Harvey yells at any associate he can find and is on his third assistant of the month, but Donna seems happier then ever.
He decides he can't handle being inside, watching him with her as Thomas places a kiss into Donna's cheek, causing her to blush. He downs his drink with one swift motion and places his glass on the bar before heading out to the balcony. He really messed up this time. He lost his chance. She was happy. She was happy with someone else.
She mumbles something to Thomas and excuses herself, making her way towards the exit leading to the balcony.
AN: Hope you all enjoy Ch 1! I would love to hear your thoughts!
As for what's in store for this one, I can promise it's going to be something new, something angsty, and something fun. It's going to have Thomas, a jealous Harvey, a suddenly emotionally available jealous Harvey, a confused Donna, an impending firm retreat, and if you're lucky; a happy ending ;)
Happy reading! - xx Sarah