Waning Gibbous Moon, a hetalia - axis powers fanfic

So I wrote this fic nearly a year ago, decided I didn't like it, and so I never posted it. But with some help I have fixed and added some things and now it is post-able.

Warnings for complete crack (even more than usual, believe it or not — this one is pretty crazy), one and a half blowjobs, and spoilers for Twilight.

Written in America's POV.

"Oh, Bella …" I sighed dreamily as I watched the TV screen. "You have no idea how lucky you are, you beautiful pasty bitch."

I closed my eyes and sunk deeper into the couch. It was the thirty seventh time I'd watched the Twilight movie. But I could never, ever get enough. Thank God I have it on DVD (though not Blu-Ray, that crap's expensive) to watch over and over and over to my heart's content.

When I opened my eyes, England was standing in front of the TV. Dripping wet. Wearing nothing but a towel. He'd just gotten out of the shower.

"YOU'RE BLOCKING THE TV!" I yelled.

He didn't look happy at all. He pulled open the towel and held it like that, showing me his crotch. "You see anything wrong here, hmm?" he asked, annoyed.

I sipped lazily on my tomato juice. I'd been drinking it lately and pretending it was blood because I liked to pretend I was a vampire too, hehe. "Hmm … nope."

"Take a closer look. Go on. Look very closely," he said, pissed off and kinda sarcastic. "You don't notice anything different? Different from before our little tryst last night?"

Sluuuuurp. I kept sucking on the tomato juice. "Looks fine to me."

He angrily threw down the towel. "My cock is fucking covered in GLITTER!"

"Hehe," I snickered. "It's sparkly!"

Lately I'd been using a lot of glitter. A LOT of glitter. Even Ke$ha would be jealous! But I just had to cover myself with that stuff. I had to sparkle! AMERICAN SPARKLE PARTY! I needed to sparkle like the vampires in Twilight movies! Oh, how I wished I could be one too … *dreamy sigh* …

"It won't come off!" said England. "I scrubbed and it simply won't! It's impossible to remove!"

I shrugged. "So take another shower. It'll come off eventually. Now move, I can't see Edward and Bella and friends!"

"You owe me." England looked very serious. "Join me in that shower."

"Noooooo!" I whined. "I'm watching Twilight!"

"I don't fucking care. Get your sparkly arse in there."

I sighed dreamily again. "If only I sparkled for real. Instead of having to use glitter. I'd love to frolic about, sparkling in the sunlight, sucking people's blood, fighting werewolves, pretending I couldn't smell when women were on their periods. Gosh, it would be soooo coooool …"

England rolled his eyes. "Oh, that is not what real vampires are like. They most certainly do not sparkle."

"Pffft, England, you silly goose. There's no such thing as real vampires." I frowned. "Unfortunately …"

"There most certainly are. But they are not like …" He gestured to the screen behind him and curled his lip. "That."

Tsk. How could I forget England believes in crazy things like vampires and fairies and unicorns and leprechauns? Then has the nerve to tell me things like aliens and Bigfoot and jackalopes aren't real? Dude, come on. If you don't believe in jackalopes you can just GTFO.

"Look," said England, who looked like he was getting frustrated. "I want you in that shower with me immediately. I don't care if you call me Edward or Dracula or Nosferatu or even fucking Count Chocula whist I pound you against the wall! Just get in there!"

"You forgot the OCD vampire from Sesame Street."

"GET YOUR ARSE IN THERE!"

England just didn't get the beauty of Twilight. I think it was because he was just too much of a Harry Potter fanboy. Harry Potter was okay, I mean I liked the movies all right, but Twilight is so much better. More drama and romance and that Sorting Hat fucking scared the hell out of me. Talk about nightmares, yikers …

"I'm watching Twilight," I pouted. "Not until I'm finished."

England huffed. "I can't believe this is happening. I'm being rejected because you'd prefer to watch this drivel. Unbelievable."

I patted the space next to me on the couch. "Come watch it with me."

"Hmmph. No thanks."

England stomped off all pissy. I watched him leave, sipping my tomato juice. It's hard to be taken seriously storming out when you're naked, haha. It just looked funny to me! Especially since there was spot of glitter he didn't know about on his ass. In the shape of a handprint. That was from me slapping him last night, hehe. Don't tell him, you guys! He was already pissed enough about the glitter on his penis.

England came back about an hour later. Fully dressed this time, but with a bottle of lube in his hand.

"Hurry now," he said, snapping his fingers. "It's time, up to the bedroom — oh bloody hell."

I was still on the couch, hugging a pillow. Eyes glue and wide to the TV.

"Christ, how long is this movie?"

"Oh, I finished Twilight," I said, not taking my eyes off the screen. This is New Moon. Then there's Eclipse and Breaking Dawn."

"You're watching all four of them? !"

All the Twilight movies are named after things to do with the moon, hehe. Like New Moon and Eclipse. And … twilight is like right before dawn … except in the series, they're the farthest apart. FFFF — I've confused myself. I just realized dawn and twilight are not related to the moon very much. Well, all I know is, if you name a story after a phase of the moon or something close enough, it will be ~COOL and DRAMATIC SOUNDING.~

Even though the moon where I live was not new OR eclipsing last night. Or even full! It was one of those in between ones. They are not as cool or dramatic.

"Shhhh, I can't hear!" I said. "I'm trying to root for Edward. Gooooo Team Edward." Team Jacob can suck me and England's sparkly dicks!

"That will take hours!"

"Boy, you sure are good with the math, aren't ya?"

"Turn it off and come upstairs with me!"

"God, you're like a dog in heat." I wonder if vampires go into heat. I wonder what their sex is like! Gosh, what I wouldn't do to see Bella and Edward having sex … mmm … God that'd be so hot. I'd fap to that.

"You're seriously going to turn down sex for these awful movies?" bitched England.

"Mmmyep."

"Fine." England turned around and huffed. "Very well then."

He left and I thought that'd be the end of it. I went back to sucking my tomato juice and watching the movie.

"Gosh, Bella," I sighed dreamily. "You are such a good actress. Able to pull off the same expression no matter what the situation!"

Suddenly England returned. But this time he didn't have the lube.

"America," he said, smirking creepily. "I would like to play a game."

I tensed up. Gosh, he reminded me so much of that Jigsaw guy from the Saw movies! You know, that creepy guy who sets up those fucked up traps and chains people to bathtubs and makes them saw off their limbs to get free? He was kinda like that. They even said the same line about wanting to play a game!

"Dude, you're creeping me out!"

He crossed the room and stood directly in front of me.

"YOU'RE BLOCKING THE TVVVVVVV!"

"I know you don't believe in vampires," started England, smirking down at me. "But surely you believe in hypnotism? It's not magic. It's an altered state of consciousness, backed up by science."

"Yes, yes," I said, waving him off. "I met Freud, ya know. Kind of a dick. Always talking about sex and said I had an oral fixation, that pervert. What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, I thought I'd let you have some fun."

"OH?"

"You say you want to be a vampire, but that they do not exist. Well …" There was a glint of serious creepytown in his eyes. "How about I hypnotize you into thinking you are one?"

"Wha …"

"J-just for fun, of course," England added very quickly. "And very temporary, like a day or so. Just to let you see what it's like to be a vampire and enjoy the fantasy."

"Heeeey …" I grinned up at him. "That DOES sound like fun! I could do all the stuff I've been doing but I'd think it was real! I could really vamp it up!"

"Yessss …" he hissed, still smirking. "It will be fun."

"Oh! But what if I try to go around biting people? And drinking their blood?"

"I'll hold you off," he replied. "With garlic or a cross. Worst come to worst, I will simply call off the hypnosis."

"Ya know what, never mind. That actually sounds pretty funny. Biting other countries and pissing them off, haha! Screw it, let's do this!"

England paused the movie. It was paused on Bella's face, the same expression she always makes, that glorious actress.

"Lie down," commanded England. "And make yourself very comfortable."

I lay down and got myself all snuggled up on the couch. I was on my side, cuddling a pillow. "Okey, I'm comfy. What next?"

England sat in chair across from the couch. "Close your eyes."

"Aren't you going to get out one of them old school watches with the chain and be like 'you're getting very very sleepy' …?"

"No, that's bollocks. This is real hypnotism."

"Oh." I closed my eyes. "Okay, now what?"

"Imagine yourself somewhere very comfortable." Um, duh, England. My couch is comfy. It's the Big Orange Couch from 90's Nickelodeon's SNICK and if you got that reference, you are the coolest. "Go to wherever makes you most content. Your, ah, 'happy place' if you will."

I smiled, snuggling the pillow. "Mmm … I see it. McDonald's Play Place."

Ohhh what fun I always have there! I don't care that I'm too big. Screw those kids, what are they gonna do? Throw me out? Pfft, yeah right. I'm way bigger than them. If I wanna go down the slides and play in the ball pit, I WILL. And if those kids keep pissing me off I'll tell them there's a snake in the ball pit and he's gonna get them and then I don't gotta share my fries because I bring my food in there to eat it. It's cooler than eating at the table.

"Imagine it," said England, whose voice was very calm and serious. "Picture yourself there. Relaxed. No worries."

"Ahhh … no childrens around …"

"You lie down," he said in that weird soothing voice. "You lie down in the ball pit. You are very relaxed. Your eyelids feel heavy. You let them close. You feel all your muscles ease. The tension is melting out of you. You take a deep breath, and slowly exhale."

For some reason, as I lay on the couch, I actually took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

"Your chest is relaxing, your legs are relaxing. Every part of you, one by one, is relaxing. Your muscles are slack and loose. Your breathing becomes slow."

I felt sleepy. Way to go, England. You're just boring it up in here. I'm just gonna go to sleep and I didn't wanna do that. It's too late for a nap! If I take one now I'm not gonna be able to sleep well tonight and then how will I have pleasant dreams of threesomes with Bella and Edward? Dry nights are boring nights.

"You are in a peaceful state," continued England in his calmy voice. "You are sinking. Sinking deeper into the balls. Sinking deeper into a state of hypnosis. It is very relaxing."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

"You feel yourself even deeper. The deeper you are, the more relaxed you are. It is very peaceful."

I could have sworn I was asleep. Everything was all kinda hazy, but my eyes were shut, so that didn't make much sense. And even though I was sure I went night-night, I could still hear everything England was saying.

"You are very suggestible," he said. "You listen to what I say. You don't question it. You simply do it."

My brain felt like when the TV was on static and looks like a snowstorm and goes KKKKKCCCCCTTTCCCHHH or whatever.

"You are a vampire," said England. "You believe it. You are a vampire."

Yes … that's what this was for. Yaaaay he finally got to it! Took him long enough. I mean, I wasn't even sure this was working. I thought I was asleep. But I could still hear things sooo …

"You are a hungry vampire," continued England. "You must feast. You won't stop until you are sated. You will feed on another country. Drinking from him."

I probably should have reacted to that. But I just lay there, limp and sleepy.

"You must have it. You thirst for it, you crave for it. You cannot get enough."

Then England finished with a word I wasn't expecting.

"You must feed on semen."

I should have been like D: but I was all sleepy so I was like –v–

"You must feed on semen like a normal vampire feeds on blood," he continued. "You will suck every drop you can." The next thing he said was the only time his voice wasn't all soothing. "B-but no biting though. Watch the teeth."

"Mmm," I said all sleepily.

"Now I will count," said England. "I will count to three and when I do, you will open your eyes, and you will remember what I said. You will believe it." England paused but then started counting. "One … two … three."

As soon as I heard the word three, my eyes sprang open and I jumped off the couch. I was like lightning (Lightning McQueen) across the room, diving at England's feet. I fell to my knees, gripping and clawing at England's zipper.

"I MUST FEED!" I proudly declared.

"Oh my," said England will a smirk. "So it did work."

I near about broke that zipper but I got it down. I grabbed his cock as fast as I could. I couldn't get to it fast enough! I hastily put it in my mouth. It wasn't even hard yet, there wasn't enough time, but I had to have it in my mouth. I sucked hard. Sucked like I was sucking down a Reese's Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups® SONIC Blast® (they bring your food TO YOUR CAR there, wow! :O ). Being flaccid the whole thing fit in my mouth, but as I kept sucking, I felt it start to stiffen against my tongue.

England's hand curled in my hair. "Mmm, yes …" he shuddered. "This was a brilliant idea."

At the time, all I could think about was semen. Getting it out of England, slurping it out of him, sucking it down, drinking it. I needed it in me. I needed to feed. Semen was my life force now. I had to have it.

England's cock swelled in my mouth. It wasn't long before he was fully hard, and I couldn't fit him completely inside my mouth anymore. I pulled back, taking a big gulp of air because I couldn't breathe well, then thrust more inches back in. The part I couldn't fit in my mouth, I held in my hand, pumping it.

"Mm, mm, mm," I whimpered with each bob of my head.

"God," panted England. His hand was still running through my hair. "I-I've never received such an … enthusiastic blowjob before."

I couldn't respond. Not with all that cock up in my mouth like that. I hummed and took in more. It hurt the back of my throat but I kept going, and he slid completely in.

"Fuck …!" England cried out. In a very pleased way.

He was leaking pre-cum. I could feel it trickling down my throat. I pulled him out, saw the clear fluid on the tip of his cock, and licked. I licked his tip like a big ol' lollipop. A blowpop. (LOL get it? BLOWpop?) And England shuddered hard.

"Oh …!"

But that was just an appetizer. I needed more. I needed the real thing. Not pre-cum. I needed real cum. The good stuff. The white, hot, thick stuff. That's what I craved like how a normal vampire craves blood.

All of England's cock was back in my mouth. I bobbed him in and out furiously. Trying so hard to force that delicious liquid out of him. I wanted to suck him dry. Drink every drop. Milk him like a cow. MOOOOOOO!

"Oh yes," cried England. "Yes … America … nggh …"

England was close. I could tell by all those gasps and moans.

"Cum already," I slurred over his cock.

"I'm … I'm …" England's eyes were squeezed shut. "I'm almost there …"

"'ry." (That was supposed to be 'hurry' but at that particular second England was pretty deep, and it's hard to talk with a cock down your throat.)

"Ahh!" England whimpered. He gripped very tightly at the back of my head, now with both hands. He stiffened, I felt him tremble for a few seconds, and then I felt something else. The hot liquid fill my mouth. I sucked it down eagerly, slurping it like Gatorade after a rousing game of footballs, drawing out every drop like how when you get to the bottom of your toothpaste you just keep squeezing and squeezing and eventually more will come out. I couldn't get enough. England came in spurts, and I hungrily gulped each one down.

After a few seconds, it was down to just a slight trickle of drops. And I panicked. I needed even MOAR. I savored those last drops. I slid him out of my mouth and just licked him like a popsicle until the only fluid left was my spit. Actually, just kidding. I kept licking even after that. Just in case.

But England was quickly going soft. "Stop," he said, gently pushing me away. "I-I'm done."

I pulled my tongue away, connected to his cock with a thread of spit for a split second. "But I'm still hungry."

"Sorry." England was becoming a little pushier about … well, pushing me. "But that's all for now."

"BUT I NEED TO FEED!"

England winced. "It's starting to hurt a little now … you know how sensitive you are after org-"

I had a wild look in my eyes. "I SAID I'M STILL HUNGRY!"

England jumped up from the chair, and his cock fell from my hand. "G-give me about a half hour," he said. "Then you can suck until your heart's content again."

"Can't wait that long." I stood up, determined, with a crazy, semen-hungry look in my eyes. "I must have more. Now."

England sighed and muttered, "Maybe I should have also hypnotized him to not be impatient in between refr — where are you going? !"

I was heading out the door. "Out the door," I said.

"You can't leave! You're under my hypnosis!"

"I muuuuust." I grinned wickedly at him. Because that's what vampires do. Even semen-sucking vampires. "If you can't satisfy my hunger, I must find someone who can."

"Wait!" England called after me desperately. Dramatically. "Please, wait! Just a half hour! That's all!"

But it was too late. I was out the door. Determined. Hungry. Thirsty. And very bad at math. Because I didn't realize the nearest country was over a half hour away and I really just should have waited the thirty minutes. It would have been quicker. But oh well. I'm stubborn and didn't want to admit my mistake. That and I was already in my car, racing down the street, flying over speed bumps, and totally disregarding the 'Slow, Children Playing' sign. You're just gonna have to be faster, slow kids.

VROOOOM VROOOOOM!

So I drove to the nearest country. No, not Mexico, if that's what you were thinking. I don't like that guy. Always climbing my fence and sneaking into my yard. And then beautifully landscaping it for me. What a dick!

No, I went north. To Canada!

I couldn't get out of the car fast enough. As soon as I arrived at his house, I threw open the door to his igloo, and stormed inside.

"MUST FEEEEEED!" I yelled.

"Whoa!" startled Canada when I burst into the kitchen. He was cooking … something. "Please knock next time you come to my hoose! What if I hadn't been decent?"

"Then you would have saved me a little time!"

"… eh?"

By then I had marched my way through the kitchen, and was closing in on Canada. He backed up, until he hit the table, and stopped.

"I told you," I said. "I must feed!"

"Oh." Canada held up whatever he was making. "Would you like some of my poutine?"

"The hell is that?"

I looked at it. The … stuff Canada held up. It looked like someone took some fries — which was all well and good — and then promptly vomited all over them — which was NOT all well and good.

"Poutine," Canada said again. Pronounced 'poo-teen.' "It's good! Try some."

"Forget your puke fries!" I exclaimed as I knocked it out of his hands. It hit the floor and spilled all over the place. Like SPLIIOOOOSH! He was definitely gonna need some Bounty paper towel rolls for that one. "There's NO TIME, MAN!"

"My poutine!" Canada cried dramatically. "My national treasure! Spilled onto the floor!"

"You know what else should be on the floor?" I asked. "Your pants. So drop'em."

"Whaaaa!" squeaked Canada as I dove for his zipper. I barely got ahold of it before I felt him push me off. And onto the floor! "What the heck are you doing? !"

I quickly jumped back up. "Feeding. Duh. I thought I made that clear when I burst through the door and proclaimed MUST FEEEEED! I wasn't exactly subtle, dude, come on."

"I thought you wanted my pancakes or something! What do you want that involves …" Canada hesitated, looking nervous to ask. "… taking my pants off?"

"Semen," I said, very determined. "Glorious, delicious semen."

Canada didn't reply. He just stared back, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Like it was slowly, slowly sinking in. He leaned back more on the table, trying to get as far away from me as possible, but he was trapped.

And so was his penis! In my hand. Because I'd gotten that zipper down and his pants were around his knees, hehe.

Faster than you could ride a moose (Canada's second favorite pastime) his flaccid cock was in my mouth. I slurped up that piece of Canadian bacon, sliding it along my tongue and then closing my lips around it.

Canada pushed at me with both arms, but I was stronger than him, so I wasn't going nowhere!

"Stop stop stop!" whined Canada. "I'm sorry but that is not a tap!"

And then I pictured semen on tap, like how when you go to a bar they have beer on tap. And you could get different kinds, like domestic or imported. We all know the imported stuff is better but hey the domestic is cheaper. Ooh, and they would have Semen Lite too, because semen has sugar in it, check the Wikipedia if you don't believe me. Or just Google 'semen.' I'm sure the scientific facts about its nutritional information will be the first thing that comes up (LOL).

I was trying my damnedest to get Canada hard. Licking and sucking and slurping and all that jazz. But I wasn't making much progress. Probably because he was bitching and complaining the whole time, like "What the heck has gotten into you? !" (a penis) (in my mouth, specifically) and "What makes you think you can just burst into someone's hoose and do this? !" (lock your igloo next time) and "I haven't even showered today!" (I could tell, yecch.)

I slid him out of my mouth. I spat on the floor (JUST SPIT UNFORTUNATELY) and pouted. "Why won't you get hard?" I held him in my hand, stroking him slowly, but he was only about half hard. Half wasn't gonna cut it. I needed a full on erection for this. FULL ON!

"I'm … I'm …" stammered Canada, looking down at me at all nervously. "I'm not mentally prepared for this!"

"Just let me do it or I'm gonna have to get the semen the other way."

Canada looked confused. "… there's another way?"

"Mmmyep. I asked my iPhone and Siri told me all about it."

"Uh … do I even want to know – ahhh …"

I slid him back him. Gosh, I don't remember other vampires having this much troubles with THEIR victims. They just burst into someone's house, all cool and badass, and bend over their maiden, sucking sensually at her neck, and she moans like "OOHHHH WOE IS ME!" and gets bit and the vampire feeds. You never hear about vampires fucking it up like, "Oh, I can't find the vein" or something. So why am I having issues? !

Canada eventually stopped resisting and just leaned on the table, letting me suck him off. He was pretty much fully hard, even petting my hair a little as I bobbed my head, and gasping, when it happened.

The door of the igloo slammed open. And England stormed in, looking all kinds of pissed off.

"AMERICA!" he shouted.

I looked over to him, still with Canada's cock in my mouth. "Umm," I slurred over his maple log.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? !"

"Oh, moose nuts … this won't end well …" whispered Canada.

I let Canada's cock flop out of my mouth. "I'm feeding, England," I said, in a very badassly way.

England marched over to us, so that he was standing right beside us. "After what we did last night … I can't believe I'd find you with another balls deep inside your mouth."

Canada looked confused. "What did you do last ni—"

I stood up, and looked very cool in my determined pose. I guess being a vampire just oozes the coolness. "You must understand, England. I need to feed now. And if you can't satisfy my hunger, I will find someone who does."

Oh God. I sounded SO COOL saying that. I hope you pictured that all cool and dramatic, because that is how it happened.

England glanced nervously to Canada, then back to me. "Can we talk privately?" he whispered to me. "I need to call off that damn hyp –" He looked quickly to Canada again. "Ah — I mean— I just need to speak with you alone for a minute."

"Whatever you need to say you can say in front of Canada and God and whatever the hell that thing over there is that's been watching us the whole time."

Canada looked horrified. "Kumajiro!" he exclaimed. "Oh, God! I didn't know you were watching! Please! Don't judge me for this!"

That polar bear in the corner just stared and stared and stared.

"Eh, just give him a Coke," I said. "He'll be fine. Polar bears love Coke."

"I don't want him knowing," England whispered harshly to me, eyeing Canada.

"Knowing what?" I said badassly.

"About …" England hesitated. "You know. What I … encouraged you to do."

"… can I pull up my pants now?" asked Canada nervously.

"NO!" I proclaimed, but still looking at England. "I like having both of you. It's … nice. It's just like in Twilight when Bella had both Edward and Jacob chasing after her. That lucky emotionless bitch!"

"It is not," said England. "You're the vampire in this situation, and Bella was the normal one. Your comparison doesn't make sense."

"… shut up, England."

Ooh, I was LOVING this drama. So dramatic! Just like in Twilight! The more my life is like Twilight, the better. (Except maybe for like the murdering bits.) (And the part where Edward knocks up Bella.) (I don't wanna get knocked up.)

"I've decided!" I proclaimed proudly. "You two must fight over me. Just like in Edward and Jacob in Twilight."

(CUE A DRAMATIC SOUND HERE!)

I thought England would gasp. And then Canada would gasp. And then I would give him a confirming look of determination, like "YEAH I JUST SAID THAT. NOW DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS."

But they didn't react that way at all! Instead they just glanced at each other awkwardly.

"What? !" I said defensively. "Don't you two want me? ! I know you both do! You've both made love to my mouth! THIS IS TOO DRAMATIC!"

Canada finally pulled up his pants. "America, this is crazy, you—"

"Shhh," I shhhhed, putting a finger over his lips. "Hush now, my precious little lumberjack."

"Eh—"

"Fight for me." I looked to England. "You too. Fight for me with the passion in your hearts like the passion I have for semen!"

And with that, I made my badass exit, backing out of the igloo and into the frozen Canadian wasteland that is downtown Toronto.

"Siri," I said to my iPhone.

"What can I help you with?" Siri said back to me with her monotone computer voice.

I was standing in the middle of Toronto, on a busy sidewalk. Lost and hungry. I'd been wandering around for a while now, and felt weak. I needed to eat. I needed to feed or I would collapse and that's not very cool!

"Where is the nearest sperm bank?" I asked.

There was moment of waiting, then Siri replied, "I found a sperm bank not too far from you." On the screen was the name of the place and directions.

"Only two miles? Not bad. Thanks, girl."

"You're welcome."

Now, England had hypnotized me into craving semen from "another country." I think he meant another actual country like just him, but there was a loophole. As long as the semen I was drinking wasn't American, then it technically was from another country, right? Even if it didn't come from Canada Canada, but from his citizens, well that's still Canadian semen. And I was super hungry.

And it was Sunday and they were closed, so I could just smash a window and drink my fill. If you're thinking 'breaking and entering isn't very hero-like, America!' well shut up you little goody two shoes. I'm not just America anymore. I'm America, the VAMPIRE. And vampires don't always follow the laws. Especially Canadian laws, I mean they're not even real.

I broke that window and found vials and vials of glorious semen. Full closets full of white Canadian man-maple! I cried tears of joy as I fed.

As I gulped down the vials, I thought about England and Canada, back at the house. Fighting for me. Fighting over who gets to make me their Bella and go on fun honeymoons with me like in the last book. Um, never mind Bella gets knocked up in that one. I'll make the winner wear a condom. Because I sure ain't getting preggers.

I sighed heavily as I slurped down the nineteenth vial of white poutine man gravy. Oh, my life was becoming so much like Twilight! I was so happy. I hadn't been this happy since I was all into that Pokemon phase back in the 90's and me and Japan were BFF's about it and I got a holographic Charizard card one day in my pack and I wept tears of joy. Japan had to hold me that day as I cried into his arms. Oohhhh nostalgia.

Then I realized. Wait a minute. I was the only vampire here. In Twilight, Bella becomes a vampire in the last book, Breaking Dawn, and she and Edward are vampires together.

Whoever was the winner needed to be a vampire too!

Hmmm. How could I make one of them a vampire? Normally, a vampire has to bite. But for me, I suck. And I already did that to both of them (okay, I didn't finish with Canada, just got a little pre-cum) and neither of them became vampires. WHAT DO? How do I make them semen-sucking vampires like me instead of just feeding off of them?

"Siri," I said to my phone again.

"What can I help you with?" she replied.

"How does someone become a vampire – but not like kill them like some do. I mean to infect them and make them a vampire too. Like what's the difference between just sucking their blood or semen and making them one of their own?"

Siri took longer to respond than she normally does. "Searching …" she said. Then finally, "Would you like me to search the Web for this?"

"Um, no, I want you to just tell me the answer. If I wanted to Google it, I would have just done it already, Jesus Christ."

"I found three churches close to you."

"I wasn't asking you to search Jesus Christ! I want to know how to make my life more like Twilight!"

"Twilight occurs today at 7:19 PM, EST."

"Bitch I didn't ask when dusk was, you better quit pissing me off."

"Searching … stress relief strategies …"

"I'M NOT STRESSED GRRRRRR!"

Then I threw my phone against the wall. And being a phone made of glass, it broke instantly.

"Well crap," I said, slurping down some more baby milkshake. "That phone was 700 dollars."

After eating my fill, I took a taxi back to Canada's igloo. I was so full I was literally in pain. You know that feeling? Like when you go to Shoney's buffet and just pig out? And you walk out casually undoing your top button and hoping no one sees but your tummy just hurts soooo bad and you're chafing and bleeehhh.

That's how I was. I sat, rubbing my bloated belly in the back of the taxi.

BUUUUUURP!

The taxi driver glanced back at me in the rear view window.

"Exsqueeze me, haha."

(LOL, remember when people used to say 'exsqueeze me'? We need to bring that back, you guys.)

He looked back at the road with a weird look on his face.

"Hey, buddy," I said. "You got any Tums? I got some major league heartburn going on back here."

"No, sorry."

Mass amounts of semen can cause heartburn. Who knew? I sure didn't. But they weren't agreeing too well with my tummy. I swear it was almost like I could feel those little tadpoles wriggling around in my belly. Just swimming around and having a good ol' time.

"Ugghhh …" I groaned, hunching over.

"Don't you dare puke in my car," said the taxi driver.

So I swallowed that taste in the back of my throat back down. Like GULP! Because I am a real vampire, and vampires can handle their fluid of choice. I'll just have to get used to it just like I had to get used to the bitter taste.

(Okay, so I was already used to the bitter taste from having sucked off England since WW2, but whatever.)

(England's semen is especially bitter.)

(Not that I have that many other semen samples to compare it to.)

(Well, until now.)

"I'M BACK!" I shouted dramatically as I burst through the igloo door.

I expected to see one of a couple scenarios:

One: Canada on the floor, dead, with England sitting at the table casually sipping a tiny fancy cup of tea, and ready for a good blowjob.

B: England dead on the floor, with Canada sitting at the table, casually drinking milk from a bag because that's how milk is packaged in Canada from some reason, also ready for a good blowjob.

Or three: The two of them still engaged in dramatic battle, fighting for me, ME, and I would sit down at the table and casually drink one of Kumajiro's Cokes and eat popcorn as I watched.

(Or maybe four: they both pussed out and couldn't handle the drama, and were holding each other, crying, which was all kinds of lulzy.)

I would have to accept whatever the outcome was. Even if I'm not happy about it. And I'm sure I'll have some kind of problem with it, because my life is drama now. Because my life is like Twilight, and Twilight is drama. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end. (THAT WAS A LINE FROM TWILIGHT! Anybody get the reference?) (No?)

But it didn't matter anyway. Because I didn't see any of those four scenarios. Instead I saw Canada sitting on the couch watching TV. And I saw England nowhere because I didn't see him at all.

"Well?" I asked, stepping into the room. "Did you and England have it out over me? Are you the winner? What's the deal here?"

Canada turned off the old repeat of Kids in the Hall. "America … we need to talk." He patted the seat next to him. "Sit."

"Well, look, let's just get a few things straight here, okay?" I put my hands on my hips. "If you're the winner and you're my Edward after all, we need to establish some ground rules. First off, you're not gonna boss me around like that. Um, no, I wear the pants in this relationship regardless of whose penis goes in whose hole. And secondly, you're wearing a rubber every time, NO EXCEPTIONS! I don't care if it takes away all the sensation I AM NOT GETTING KNOCKED UP LIKE IN TWILIGHT THAT WILL RUIN MY BOYISH FIGURE—"

"Whoa, whoa!" interrupted Canada. "Where is this coming from? ! I'm not going to get you pregnant! You're a guy anyway. It's impossible."

"I'm a vampire," I said, smirking like a cool guy. "Anything is possible."

"Riiiight … well, listen. England and I had a long talk—"

"A TALK? ! What a pussy way to fight over me! I hope you at least threw in some f-bombs, dude."

"Wha … no, there were no f-bombs. It was a polite, sensible discussion about your issue."

I flopped on the couch. And pouted. "Both of you need to grow some balls if you're gonna be my Edward. You're gonna need big ones to make all the semen I'm gonna be craving!"

"… America, Edward didn't feed off of Bella in Twilight."

"…"

Fudge ...

"Also …" Canada looked at me with a very serious look. Very dramatic (yaaaay drama.) "Bella also chose on her own who she wanted. Edward and Jacob didn't fight over her — she made the decision."

I gasped. He was right!

I immediately hugged Canada. "Oof!" he grunted when I squeezed him real tight.

"You're a Twilight fan too! Ooh, how exciting!"

"Noooo … I'm not …" he whimpered, being choked. "I Googled it …"

I let him go, and he could breathe again. "Don't play hard to get, silly! Just one point in your favor for when I make my decision." I stared with a serious look in my eye. Dramatically. "Because like Bella, I will make my own decision."

Canada smiled weakly at me. "Do what you must."

(PERFECT DRAMATIC LINE, SWEET!)

"I shall." I stood up, clenching my fists. "Now if you'll exsqueeze me, I need to go throw up."

I puked a LOT in the bathroom. Mostly white stuff. It looked like that gravy from McDonald's they put on breakfast stuff. Why does their gravy look like that? I dunno. Not sure I want to. But it's good.

But that's not what I crave anymore! Y'all know what I crave. Because I'm a vampire, hehe.

… with some issues. As I flushed down regurgitated man chowder, I thought to myself, well what now? I have to decide between two guys. Just like Bella. And neither of them were chasing me quite like Edward and Jacob in the Twilight books. Come on, you guys. Put in some effort here! Make me want it! MY job is supposed to be to sit around and act bored while y'all do all the work. Not the other way around!

I needed some advice. So I called up the expert on vampires. The expert vampire country. If you're thinking Romania, LOL, you're wrong. That's so cliché, pa-lease! All he's an expert on is tiny little top hats. Which are cool, but don't help my current situation.

I used Canada's phone since I broke mine :(

"Come on … come on … pick up already, you little—"

"Hello?"

"HEEEEEY! Italy, BUDDY! It's me! Sup, dude?"

In the Twilight books, vampires came from Italy. Like that's where their super-secret hideout and stuff was. Look, don't question it. Stephanie Meyer Hot Dog (that's her gangsta name, only her good friends like me can call her that) knows what's she's talking about.

"Oh, hey, America!" replied Italy happily. "You hardly ever call me! Unless it's for prank calls for pizza! I'm not falling for that again, hehe! There's no such thing as an Oreo Pizza. Germany told me so!"

I frowned. "Uh, yeah there was. Domino's made it."

"What!" exclaimed Italy. "But … but … I had all these nightmares and Germany had to sing me to sleep and, and, and—"

"Haha, that's disturbing. Oreo pizzas are great! Why don't you serve them at Olive Garden? That's where you live, right? Where you're there, you're family."

Italy started sobbing in Italian.

"Well, anyway," I said over his annoying crying. "I called you for some advice. You know about vampires, right?"

Italy sniffled. "Vampires?"

"Yeah, lemme tell you what's been going on with me. It all started after I sucked England off—"

"Whaaa!" exclaimed Italy. "America – wait a minute!"

"Then I sucked Canada off. Well, kinda, anyway. England interrupted me, that snackblocker."

"AMERICA! Please stop! The Pope listens to my phone calls—"

"Then I went to the sperm bank like it was the Golden Corral's all you can eat buffet."

"MAMA MIA!"

"… where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I don't know which one of them to pick."

"Veeee~" whined Italy. "The Pope is gonna be so mad at me when he hears this. I'm gonna have to say so many Hail Mary's I won't have any time for making cannoli!"

"Didn't the Pope just die or something? Why are you worried? Hey, you know what you should make? Cannoli pizza. No wait. You know what Cannolis reminds me of? Twinkies … you should make a Twinkie pizza! Mmm, yeah. Tell Domino's about that, they'd make a buttload! Wait, crap, Twinkies went out of business …"

"Blasphemy!" shouted Italy. "The new Pope will definitely whip me good for this one! I gotta go now, before you talk me into this and I get excommunicated!"

"No, wait! What do I do about my prob—" Click. "… oh yeah. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Italy! Just hang up on me! Just give up, like you always do! Just surrender! It's the only thing you know how to do — wait a minute. That's it!"

In Twilight, Edward gives up, and decides to kill himself (for the drama.) I could do that too, and then whoever saves me surely is the one I should be with! Don't worry though, boys and girls. I'm not REALLY gonna kill myself. Please. I'm not emo. I'm a VAMPIRE. I'm just gonna FAKE kill myself. GET IT?

… even though I'm supposed to be like Bella, and Edward was the one who tried to kill himself. Whatever. Just ignore that. Plot holes don't matter to Stephanie Meyer, so they're no concern of mine neither!

I could have stabbed a stake through my heart. I could have burned myself with Holy Water. Or I could have ate a ton of garlic toast. Mmm, yeah. I should have spoken to Italy in person. Because he lives at Olive Garden and they have THE best bread sticks. Wait, do they have garlic on them? Or just butter?

But no. I decided to use the coolest way to off myself. Just like in Twilight. I was gonna do it the same way Edward did.

By taking off my shirt and walking around! :D

If you're confused, well, remember. Vampires plus sun equal sparkles. Vampires plus a LOT of sun equals death. So says the lovely Miss Meyer.

But I quickly discovered that taking your shirt off and walking around in Italy is a LOT different than taking your shirt off and walking around in Canada. Canada is balls cold.

I sat on the frozen ground, shivering, trying to cover my hard nips. "It's f-f-f-freezing out here," I shuddered. "S-s-s-someone better come save me s-s-soon."

I was so cold. What I wouldn't do for a Snuggie. But I couldn't! I had to go shirtless and pretend to kill myself. This was perfect. Such great drama! It worked so well in Twilight!

"What the hell are you doing?"

I looked up from where I sat and saw England standing over me. He did not look amused.

"Where is your shirt?"

"England!" I exclaimed, jumping up from the snow. "You've come to save me!"

"You're gonna catch a cold out here like that." He turned around, motioning for me to follow. "Come on, this way," he sighed.

I happily followed behind him. "Where are you taking me?"

We stopped in Canada's driveway. Where England's itty bitty teeny weeny Mini car was. England opened the door and shoved me in the backseat.

"Oof!" I exclaimed as I fell on the seat.

England climbed into the seat with me. And closed the door behind him.

I quickly sat up. "This isn't a very romantic way to save me from killing myself, ya know!"

"Lie back," commanded England. "I've had enough of this. We're ending it now."

I reached for the door handle but it was locked. "Don't tell me what to do!"

Then England's hands were on my shoulders! And he was pushing me down on the seat! Before I knew it, he was literally holding me down.

"Close your eyes," he said.

"No," I pouted. "Get off me."

"I'm calling off this damn hypnotism. It's caused more problems than I can deal with."

I was suddenly confused. "… huh?"

England pressed harder onto my shoulders. "Lie there and close your eyes. Become relaxed like before. And I can bring you out of the hypnotic state."

"Um, I don't know what you're talking about. But if you're trying to have sex with me, I gotta say, you're doing it wrong."

"I'm NOT trying to have sex with you! I'm trying to bring you back to normal!"

I laid back, giving him that 'come hither' look. You know. The sexy one ;)

"You saved me, you know," I said. "I guess you're my hero. So I guess … I'm smitten now. Like Bella. And you can be my Edward."

England raised an eyebrow. "What? You don't look smitten."

"Oh, I'm smitten all right." I smiled up at him. "I'm in love with you."

England's eyes widened. He looked down at me in shock. Like he couldn't believe what I said. (You're picturing this dramatically, right? Don't picture it wrong or you'll screw it up, duh.)

"So the lion fell in love with the lamb," I said. (Another line from Twilight! :D ) (Don't you dare say the next line and call me a stupid lamb though.) (You can call England a sick, masochistic lion though.) (Those are also lines from Twilight, you guys.) (Wait shit, am I the lion or the lamb …?)

England grabbed my face and held it. He held it close to his and looked into my eyes. And it was dramatic.

"Do you really love me?" he asked, staring hardcore into my eyes. "Or … or is it just the hypnotism talking?"

"… why do you keep talking about hypnotism?"

Suddenly England was sitting a little bit different on me. Resituating himself, and making himself reeeeal comfy. He buried his face in my chest, which was super cold, so it felt kinda nice to feel his warm breath on it.

And then his warm tongue.

"Whoa," I said, squirming a little, and I felt him start to lick at my chest.

"Altered state of consciousness or not," began England, now lapping at one of my cold, hard nips. "I need to enjoy you like this … even if it's just this once …"

I ran my hand through his hair. "Oh, England …" I sighed. "Don't use big words."

England grinded his hips against me. I felt a growing boner rub up against my tummy. He did it again and grunted, being more forceful with his mouth on my chest. He sucked a whole nipple into his mouth.

"Mmm …" he moaned around me. His mouth released my nip just long enough for him to say, "You don't know how many years I've waited for you to actually say 'I love you.'"

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" That was another Twilight reference :)

"Uh, no. I just said I'm very happy that you told me you love me."

"Oh." :(

England ruined my cool reference.

His hand reached down my pants. They were already unbuttoned because I ate too much semen at the sperm bank. He reached his hand inside and started to fondle my cock. His mouth returned to sucking at my nipple, moaning over it, letting me feel the vibration.

Then he yelped, because I threw him against the window with a loud THUMP!

He fell back on the seat, rubbing his head. "THE FUCK? !" he exclaimed.

I sat up and crossed my arms. "No sex until marriage!"

He stared back, deadpan, with a slight twitch in one eye.

"Bella and Edward didn't have sex until marriage," I told him. "Edward refused. You should be more of a gentleman like him!"

"But we've had sex before!" shouted England.

"That was before I was a vampire. Doesn't count." (Vampire sex is different.) (Though I haven't quite figured out how.)

"That's it," snapped England. "This hypnotism ends now. Lie back down."

I shrugged. "If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it~"

"I said lie down!"

Just then, there was a knock at the car door. "Hey," said a voice from the other side. "What's going on in there?"

"Shit, it's Canada," said England as he scrambled to make himself look less rapey.

"Everything all right in there?" asked Canada.

"Damnit, I don't want to do this in front of him," whispered England. "I don't want him to know I hypnotized you into thinking you were a semen-drinking vampire."

"… you guys?" Canada sounded worried.

England opened the car door. "Everything's fine," he said, though a little nervously. "See?"

Canada looked past England to me, on the other side of the backseat. "Um … where is your shirt, America?"

"Oh, Canada!" I sobbed.

"… huh?"

I pushed past England, trying to reach for Canada. But England grabbed my waist and pulled so I couldn't get out of the car.

"Canada!" I yelled, struggling against England. "I love you too! I can't decide! OH THE DRAMA!"

Canada took a nervous step back. "What's wrong with him?"

"He doesn't mean it — he doesn't know what he's doing," said England. "He's under hyp — I mean." He hesitated. "He's under … the influence. Of … alcohol."

"AM NOT!" I shouted.

"He's drunk?" Canada looked at me. "That would explain a lot …"

"Liar!" I finally squirmed away from England and fell to the ground. "OOF!" Falling probably didn't help me look more sober. "I haven't had anything to drink except se—"

"Sea Breezes!" England quickly interrupted. (I was gonna say 'semen' if you didn't guess it.) "Y-yes, he certainly does love Sea Breezes. But who am I to judge him for liking girly drinks? Everyone has their poison."

"I don't drink Sea Breezes, GRRRR!"

Canada held out his hand. "Need some help?"

I took his hand and stood up. "Well, thank you," I said, glaring back at England. "Nice to see someone is a gentleman around here."

"Come on, let's go back to the hoose," said Canada. "You shouldn't be outside without a shirt on."

As we walked to Canada's igloo, I shot a sly glance back at England. A look like, oh yeah. Shit just went down. And if you ever wanna touch my amber waves of grain again, you better get your ass in gear and come after me.

Drama. Hells yeah.

It was cozy back in Canada's igloo. We sat on the couch by the fire together, and I prayed the fire wouldn't melt his igloo down.

He wrapped me in a blanket without sleeves. "Feeling better?" he asked, a little nervous.

"Yep," I said. "I never was drunk, you know. Vampires don't do that."

Canada looked very concerned. "Then what's wrong with you? You haven't been yourself lately. Barging in and trying to perform oral sex on me … that just isn't you. What's going on?"

"I told you," I said, dramatically. "I'm a vampire. Do I dazzle you?"

Canada sighed. "Something really is wrong with you …"

"You're very sweet to save me from the cold." As I said this, I scooted a little closer to Canada. He stiffened, looking nervous. "You must really care."

"Uh …" He tried to lean away from me, but ran out of couch.

"Perhaps you're my Edward after all." I leaned even closer to him. So close I could smell the maple and polar bear on him. Mmm, yeah. "Would you like that? To marry me? And go on a fun honeymoon on some island together? And have lots of non-premarital sex with me?"

Canada's face was so red! "Y-you're just quoting Twilight again … right?"

"Well, yeah … but that's what I want." Suddenly I grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him down. He squirmed as I climbed on top of him, making him sink into the cushions of the couch. "Come on, Canada. Marry me. Make me your Bella! PUT YOUR BIG MAPLE LOG IN MY GRAND CANYON!"

"… whaa?" squeaked Canada from underneath me.

I didn't move. "After we're married, of course."

"Ahem."

We both looked over. England was standing in the room. He'd cleared his throat loud on purpose so we'd hear him!

"England!" I exclaimed, still straddling over a very confused Canada. "I don't regret you seeing this! Maybe you will learn something! Also this is very dramatic! Do you feel it?"

England didn't look very upset. He looked … eerily calm. He had no emotions as he held up a small platter with three cups. "I made hot chocolate. Would you two like some?"

Canada shoved me off of him. "Y-yes!" he shouted. "Anything to distract … uh …" He pointed to me.

England approached us and Canada went to grab one of the cups. But England stopped him. "No," said England, pulling the cup back. "That one is America's. This one is yours."

He held out a cup for each of us.

Canada looked nervously at me as he took the cup.

But I took mine no problem. "Pfft, sucks for you, Canada," I said. "England's probably poisoning you." I sipped at my drink. Mmm. It was sweeter than cum, I'll give it that. "But love triangles will do that, eh? Makes you do crazy things!"

Canada looked at his hot chocolate. "You know … England … maybe I'll pass on that."

England shrugged. "Suit yourself."

I sipped some more. "I'm honored you guys are fighting over me. About time! I was getting kinda impatient. I mean, they were all over Bella! Hey, someone ask me how old I am. I wanna say 'Nineteen' and then you ask 'How long?' and I will say 'A while.'"

But neither of them asked me!

"Don't y'all get it?" I asked, sipping my drink. "Because they … said that … in Twilight …"

"Uh huh," humored England.

"… they … always … had … good … uhh …"

"Yes?"

"… quotes …"

I dropped my cup.

I was getting very sleepy.

"Oh my God," I heard Canada say in the haze. "What did you do to him? !"

"Oh, relax," said England's voice. I couldn't see him with my eyes closed. "I only drugged him."

I was very sleepy, but not completely asleep. Like aaaaaalmost there …

"He needed to calm down so I could do this," said England. "America, do you hear me?"

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"You're relaxed, right? Very, very relaxed. Picture your happy place again. I forget whatever nonsense it was, McDonald's or Chuck E. Cheese, or whatever."

"Mmm Chuck E. Cheese …" I mumbled. "They got good pizza …"

"You're in a peaceful place again," continued England. "Completely calm, right?"

"Zzz … I love the ball pit here too … haha, balls …"

"Um … right. You're relaxed. Now listen to me." His voice became sterner. "You are not a vampire. You never were. When I tell you to open your eyes, you will not remember anything about this. Do you understand? You are not a semen-drinking vampire."

"Umm … what did you say, England?" asked a very confused Canada.

ZZZZZZZZ

"Now …" began England. "America, open your eyes."

My eyes fluttered open.

Both of them stared at me.

"Hey, guys." I looked around. "What am I doing at Canada's igloo? We having a sleepover or something? Haha, gay."

England smirked. "Yes … it worked."

"… what the heck just happened?" asked Canada.

"Yeah, what the heck's going on?" I asked, very confused. "Last thing I remember was I watching Twilight and now I'm at Canada's igloo and my mouth takes like chocolate and jizz."

England held out his hand to me. I looked at it, then up to his eyes. "America … let's go home."

So we left together. And it was beautiful.

Twilight, again. Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end. (Twilight quote.)

(This is the part where you go AWWWWWWWW!)

Epic-logue

So there I was, back at my own house, sitting on my orange SNICK couch.

England entered the room, looking all smug. "I noticed you've put away those damn Twilight movies."

I looked up from the couch. "Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm done with them."

"Excellent," he said, smirking. "Maybe then tonight we will have time for some fun … if you're in … the mood …" Then he muttered under his breath, "… and won't make my damn prick sparkly …"

"OH! You just reminded me. Have you seen my phone? I can't find it anywhere!"

England's face fell. "Um … no?"

I frowned. "Oh. Darn."

England gave me a weird look. "Are you … are you reading? An actual book?"

"Yep! Don't look so shocked."

"What is it?"

I held it up. "Fifty Shades of Grey, hehe," I replied. "It's the new cool thing everyone's reading! I gotta be cool, ya know."

England gaped back at me. "Isn't … isn't that all about hardcore BDSM sex?"

"SHHH SHUT UP ENGLAND!" I exclaimed. "Spoiler alert, jeez! I just started it. Don't ruin it for me — hey, where are you going?"

"To get my whip, my cat-o-nine-tails, my handcuffs, my spreader bar, ooh I wonder if I could rig up a Saint Andrew's Cross …"

(The end!)