Welcome to my new Mileven story! This is very much inspired by the novel Letters to the Lost except with my on twist. I hope you enjoy! And if you've come here from my other stories I'm sorry I haven't been updating! Now you know why.

"Jane Hopper please report to the guidance counselor's office. Jane Hopper to the guidance counselor."

Jane felt her cheeks go red as the eyes of every student in the class landed on her, wondering what kind of trouble she had gotten herself into this time. Though she wasn't exactly a troublemaker her appearance and reputation said differently. In the time she had her dad had moved from Chicago to Hawkins she had been in trouble a total of one time for playing hookie. But because of the way people saw her everyone in the school thought she was about to get chewed out. Which she was. Just not for breaking the rules.

As she packed up her books into her backpack Jane tried to think of an excuse for why her grades were slipping. There was no way she could tell her the real reason. The fact of the matter was that she was depressed.

Jane just didn't care about homework anymore. It was hard enough rolling out of bed and making it to school on time, not to mention sitting in class until 2:50. Doing 2+ hours of homework on top of all that seemed like too much to ask of her.

She felt her phone buzz in her pocket halfway through her walk to the office. Jane pulled it out and checked the text from her red haired best friend. And pretty much her only friend.

What did you do this time? ;)

Jane snickered to herself, knowing that she and Max shared the same reputation of being no good hooligans. I keyed the principals carshe replied. The difference between them was that Jane preferred to stay out of trouble while Max liked living on the edge. And she was incredibly good at getting away with anything. Including the principals car after he gave her detention in sophomore year.

Good one. I'll get detention with you if you need me to.

When she spotted the guidance counselor's office she swallowed down her anxiety at what was likely going to be an uncomfortable conversation. She knocked her knuckle against the open door, spotting Mrs. Kelley sitting at her desk with a pair of glasses sitting at the tip of her nose. Mrs. Kelley looked up at the sound and waved Jane inside, then straightened some of her papers up and set her glasses on top of her head. Jane sat down in one of the chairs across from her and set her backpack in the empty one beside her.

"So, Jane" Mrs. Kelley said, locking her fingers together on top of her desk. "I'm sure you know why I called you in here."

She wordlessly nodded her head.

"What's going on, Jane?" she asked, "You said you'd pull it together last semester and you barely passed. This is the year colleges are going to look at on your applications."

Jane had to resist the urge to scoff at the mention of the C word. She knew everyone was hoping that some miracle would occur and she would suddenly be back to her old self and start succeeding again. But she didn't have the heart to tell them that she simply couldn't go to college. She'd flunk out in the first semester. If she got the motivation to apply, that is. And even if she did she doubted she'd get in anywhere with the grades she was getting.

It wasn't like Jane didn't want to do any of the things a normal teenaegr did. She wished more than anything that she could be the kind of daughter her father deserved to have; successful and motivated. But what was the point? That was the question that hung over her head every time she tried to muster up the motivation to do anything more productive than going to Max's house.

But Jane wasn't going to tell Mrs. Kelley any of it. There was no point in telling anyone. There was something chemically wrong with her mind. Hand holding and atta-boys weren't going to help her, so she kept it all to herself.

Of course there was one person she talked to about it.

"What are we going to do Jane?"

There wasn't really a 'we' in the scenario Jane was stuck in but she, once again, chose not to say anything. "I'll do better" she said, though it didn't sound very convincing. "I'll start doing my homework in the library so I can use the textbooks and computers."

Mrs. Kelley smiled at her but Jane could tell by the size of it that what she had suggested wasn't enough. "That's definitely a good start" she said, "But your application needs more if you want to get into a school that matches your potential."

This time she did scoff.

"You're an incredibly bright girl, Jane." Mrs. Kelley, her tone ever so slightly reprimanding. "You're just going through a rough patch. If you put in the work you could go to any college you wanted to."

But what if I don't want to go to college?

"What did you have in mind, exactly?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because I'm not doing tutoring or anything."

Mrs. Kelley suppressed a laugh. "No, I wasn't going to suggest tutoring. I was thinking something more extra curricular." she tapped on the one piece of paper she'd left out on her desk. "You haven't gotten involved in any after school programs since you were on track in freshman year."

"Sports season has already started," Jane pointed out. "Pretty sure it's too late."

"For sports it's too late," Mrs. Kelley agreed. "But it isn't for the school play."

If Jane had been drinking water she would have spit it out like she was in a sitcom. "School play?"

"Auditions are tomorrow," she said, "You don't have to go. But I think it would look really good on your application. Even if you just get a small part. And they're doing the Crucible which isn't very hokey."

"All plays are hokey."

"Just give it a shot, Jane."

She absolutely did not want to have anything to do with the school play. It would just be another responsibility to fail at and an opportunity to let people down. Plus Jane wasn't an actress. And if there was any singing and dancing involved? Forget about it. Even if she made it in, went to rehearsals, and showed up for the performance she'd make a total fool of herself. Doing the school play was absolutely not in her best interest.

On the other hand, doing the school play would get Mrs. Kelley and her dad off her back. It would leave her dad unable to say that she needed to be more social and make new friends. And if she totally bombed the audition and didn't make the cut she could still say she tried.

"Okay." Jane said once she reached the end of her train of thought. "I'll audition."

An ear to ear grin spread on Mrs. Kelley's face and almost made Jane feel guilty for her plan. "That's great to hear." she said with the same enthusiasm Jane expected for someone hearing their own child had gotten into the school play. "I know things haven't been easy since Sarah, but they'll turn around soon."

Hearing her younger sister's name was like an iron fist connecting with her chest at 70 mph. Jane had been 12 when her sister got sick, 13 when they moved to Hawkins to be closer to the best children's cancer hospital in Indiana, and 14 when Sarah died. Despite the 4 year age gap between the, Sarah had been Jane's best friend for as long as she could remember.

Her death quite literally tore the family apart. Jane refused to leave her room for anything other than meals for a month, and missed school for 2. Her fathers more than occasional drinking turned into an addiction. Her mother was too consumed in her own grief to deal with theirs so she moved back to her parents house in Nashville.

Two years later and her dad was consistently on the wagon, her mother was remarried with a son, and Jane was still depressed. She learned how to function through the black fog constantly in her mind but she was still the shadow of the Jane she had once been. Everything about her life that had anything to do with Sarah had been cut out of the picture. Even the piano, something Jane had once been passionate about and even began teaching Sarah, hadn't been touched in 2 years, 4 months, and 12 days.

People had been telling her that things would get better since she was 14/ She was sick of hearing it. Either tell her when it was going to get better or don't tell her at all. But of course she couldn't say her bitter, angry thoughts out loud. Especially when people like Mrs. Kelley just wanted to help her. Jane did the same thing she did every time someone brought up Sarah; forced a smile and said "thank you."

"I've held you hostage long enough." Mrs. Kelley said. "You can head to lunch early. Or go back to class if you'd like."

Jane smiled for real and grabbed her backpack. "I think I'll stick with lunch." she said, thanking her before heading out into the hallway.

As she walked to the cafeteria she focused on breathing in the air that had been knocked out of her lungs from thinking about Sarah. She purposely took the long way, thinking that a bit of a walk might clear her head. It helped. But it wasn't what she really needed.

When she made it to the cafeteria Jane sat at her usual table she shared with Max towards the back of the room. Her footsteps echoed and bounced off the walls in a way that gave her the creeps. But the creepy feeling quickly faded when she opened an email she'd gotten that morning and hadn't had the chance to respond to yet.

She'd met Leo over the summer in an online chatroom and had talked every day since. It was an anonymous forum for teenagers struggling with mental illness that he'd already been a part of when she joined. It was the one place she had felt she could really be truthful about how much she was struggling. She didn't have to worry about running into any of them at school. And she could say anything she wanted and they had no way of knowing if it was true.

But ever since she and Leo started emailing privately she hardly ever used the site. What was the point when he always knew exactly what to say to make her feel better?

Leo was 17, a senior, and probably the most nervous person on the face of the earth. Even in writing she could sometimes feel his anxiety as if she were standing right next to him. But he was also one of the funniest and most caring people she'd ever talked to. He made her laugh and blush in almost every email he sent her. If they knew each other in person Jane was pretty sure she'd fall in love with him.

Virgo,

If you saw me last night I think you would have been proud of me.

My friends tricked me into going to a party a town over from mine. They said it was going to be a small get together at the house of someone my best friend knows. I didn't really want to go but I know you would have been mad at me if I didn't so I went.

Well, the small get together ended up being a house party straight out of a movie. Red solo cups were everywhere and people were skinny dipping in the pool out back. I would have gone home but my friend drove us and it was too far away to walk.

I only had 1 anxiety attack the whole night, which was when we first got there. Alcohol helped. Staying outside the whole time helped.

Some girl tried to kiss me and gave me her phone number when I made an excuse about being sick. She wrote it on a napkin and I threw it in the pool when she left.

My first time kissing someone was also the first time I got drunk. They both sucked. I have a feeling they're not a good combination for me.

After I threw her number out it occured to me that it could have been you and I almost had another anxiety attack. But I figured you weren't the type of person to go around kissing people at parties. I also figured I could just ask you if you went to any parties last night.

Please tell me you'll try more at school. I know it's hard but there's only 5 more months until summer and you need good grades to have the option of college open. I know you don't want to go but you can't destroy your chances.

If you need help studying we can try a phone call again.

Leo

Jane's heart skipped a beat at the last line of his email. Back in september Jane had suggested they talk on the phone and sent him her number. They set a date and time to talk. Jane had no idea he'd even been nervous until he went radio silent on her and emailed her the next morning apologizing her and telling her he'd practically had a nervous breakdown. Neither of them brought up the call again. Was he really willing to go through all that again just to help her study?

Leo,

I'm SO proud of you! Holy crap I can't believe you went to a party. Please tell me one of your friends took a video of you dancing that you can send me. I'll even pay you for it. A skinny dipping video will suffice too.

This is exactly why you need to get out of your comfort zone more. It sounds like you almost had fun! If I promise to try harder on my homework will you promise to go to another party?

I can guarantee you that girl wasn't me since I was at home rewatching Law and Order again. Why didn't you want to kiss her? Was she ugly? Did she have bad breath or something? That would have been really out of your comfort zone.

It's funny that you mention school because the guidance counselor just told me I need to get my grades up or I won't get into a good college. I hate that college is the default option for life after high school.

She also told me that I need to join some extracurriculars so my application will look more desirable. Long story short I have to audition for the school play tomorrow. Imagine me being in the school play? I can't either.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer but why does any of this matter? Even if I had the grades to go to college I wouldn't go. Though I might consider doing more studying if it means you'll call me. Only if you're comfortable, of course. I don't mind waiting. I'll be here.

Virgo

Jane didn't have to wait long for the bell to ring and for students to start filing into the cafeteria. She spotted Max's red hair almost as soon as she stepped through the door. She hoisted her backpack up on her shoulder and headed straight for their table and sliding into the seat across from her. "Spill."

She smirked and set her phone down on the table. "They caught me. I got suspended for a week."

"Very funny." Max said sarcastically. "Seriously, what happened Jane?"

She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms under her chest. "My grades are slipping."

"What's new?"

"I'll tell you what's new; I have to audition for the school play tomorrow."

Max's jaw practically dropped to the floor, her lips turning up in a smile as she likely imagined Jane in any sort of stage production. "Are you serious?"

"Completely serious. Unfortunately."

"Please tell me you're not going to purposely bomb it?"

Jane raised an eyebrow at her. "That's exactly what I was planning on doing." she said. "Why? You want me to actually try it?"

"I want you to get out of this funk. And if the school play is what does it then I'll sign up for crew so you're not alone." Max crossed her arms on the table top. "I know you're sick of hearing it but I can say it because I love you; I'm worried about you."

Jane waved her off. "Don't be."

"I won't if you audition for the stupid play." Max said. Her posture relaxed a bit as she changed the subject. "Have you heard from your boyfriend?"

"Yep, he just got back from his trip to England to meet the queen."

According to Max it was pretty obvious that Jane was talking to a boy and no amount of coaxing could convince her otherwise. Jane eventually gave up and started telling the wildest stories she could think of whenever she asked about Leo.

Jane had considered telling her about him, and what their relationship actually was, but even the thought made her face catch on fire. Plus, how could she ever accurately describe her and Leo without sounding crazy? One of the few issues with telling a stranger things her loved ones didn't know was she couldn't tell her loved ones. Not only would they probably not understand but they'd probably be hurt. It was just another aspect of Jane's life that she kept to herself.

"What does he look like?

Jane shrugged, "Don't know. I've never seen a picture of him."

"You're hysterical."

Jane wished she was kidding.