Disclaimer: If the world of Seiya belonged to me, Julian Solo and Saori would be together. So...since they're obviously not, I thus do not own Saint Seiya, and therefore write fanfiction about Julian angsting over Saori to post on fanfiction sites.
Notes: The song I used is called "Where the Lost Ones Go" by Espen Lind and Sissel. You can probably find it on youtube. It's a really nice song, and for some reason, it reminded me of Julian. So, here is a super-long Julian angst fic.
The Lost One
Julian Solo was a calm, reasonable man most days. He usually treated his friend and traveling companion Sorrento with respect and patience, and dealt with life like a rational person. However, Sorrento had recently discovered a new favorite song, and had the track looping throughout parts of the last week. Julian was about to lose control and destroy all the sound systems in the hotel. There it went again—Sorrento fiddling with the controls, the whirr and click of the disc entering the slot, and then, the beginnings of the pretty song tinkling out from the next room.
Leave and let me go
You're not meant for me, I know
Carry on, carry on, and I'll stay strong
Julian was not completely sure why he hated this song so much, other than the part where he had heard it almost continuously for the past eight days. It was an admittedly pretty song, and well written, and the two singers blended well. The woman, especially, had a very transparent and lovely voice. After analyzing the tonal and otherwise musical qualities of the song, Julian decided the biggest problem was the lyrics.
Leave and let me go
I will think of you, I know
But carry on, carry on, and I'll stay strong
Every time he heard the stupid song, Julian remembered a little more. He had lost all his memory briefly, but it had not been very long before he began to retrieve it in bits and pieces. Slowly, most of the time. But certain things triggered certain memories, and he tended to avoid those things once he discovered them. Like Sorrento's song. It made him think of a sweet face framed by long tresses, a face filled with eyes that loathed his very being.
Someone else will keep you warm from now on
Someone else will keep you safe from the storm
But I'll be with you wherever you go
So you will never be alone
That was the part that was always running through his head. Someone else. Someone else would protect her and care for her, and, yes, maybe even love her. Someone else. Someone who was not him. Someone who did not try to kill her, who made her happy instead of giving her the choices of marriage or death. Someone who was a better man than he was. But most importantly, someone else.
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go
So he spent his days wandering the world, trying to make up for his wrongs, and mostly figuring out ways to ignore the memories. If he was so busy working out emergency aid plans for the disaster area in Italy that he had no time to eat, then he could not possibly have the leisure to recall the ocean palace spattered with blood. If he worked at a flood site for the whole day, he would forget the faces of his generals who had died for him. And if he pushed himself hard enough that he could barely get back to the hotel before falling asleep, then he would, at least temporarily, forget about her.
I will be with you
I'm losing the love I found
Crying without a sound
Where have you gone?
He often wondered where she was, and what had happened to her after their brief encounter. She was probably doing goddess-like things, such as defending the planet from evil, fighting holy wars, things like that. He was not going to bother her again. He would deal alone. After all, it was not the first time. And he was a man, a real man who did not cry no matter what.
I will be with you
You were my fool for love
Sent me from high above
You were the one
Some of his old friends, from when he was still the arrogant prince he had once been, had told him that she was simply some brat, and why should he fixate over her when he, the rich and handsome Julian Solo, could have any other woman he desired? But he had known, even then. It was because this was no fixation. Or if it was, he would never fixate on anyone else quite like that ever again.
I will be with you
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go
That line made him wonder. Where did the lost ones go? Where should he go now? Would he ever learn to put her out of his mind permanently? Yes, he was one of the lost ones. But he did not know where lost ones went, and even if he did, Julian knew he did not deserve to go there. No matter where it was he went, however, he swore he would watch over her. And if what was left of his god-sense felt that she needed aid, he would try to give it, preferably without actually facing her or her Saints.
Leave and let me go
Don't look back, just let me know
You'll carry on, carry on, you must stay strong
Occasionally, he would linger near the Sanctuary when he stayed in Athens, searching for her Cosmo to make sure it was present in her sanctum. Present and safe. And that was all he needed. Sometimes he sent Sorrento there to check on the Solo properties, and Sorrento was always sure to report back that Sanctuary and its occupants seemed to be quite peaceful.
Nothing ever looks the same in the light
Nothing ever seems to quite turn out right
But when you realize that you have been loved
You will never be alone
He had found a photograph of her in an old newspaper, taken when she had come to his birthday party. It was a terrible picture, blurry and colorless, but still full of her radiance. He was glad she had at least smiled for the photograph, so he could see her looking like she was happy and safe, and imagine that she really was. Most of all, however, he imagined that she might understand she would never be completely alone. If she needed him, he would be there.
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go
Julian stared at the picture as it lay silently on the hotel-room table. He supposed he should be thankful for the scrap of paper that gave him a small, insignificant link to her, because otherwise he would have none at all. And thus he would continue to wander, searching for where the lost people really did go, and when he found that place, he would have this small token to show that he was, indeed, lost.
I will be with you
I'm losing the love I found
Crying without a sound
Where have you gone?
He had not so much let her go as he had lost her. If he had had the choice, he would never have let her go. Even if he had threatened her with death, he never meant to let her go. But because of his own stupidity, he had made her hate him, so that she would leave him no matter what he said or did. Except she did not hate anyone. She was too kind to hate. But she probably never wanted to see him again, at the very least, not after what he had done.
I will be with you
You were my fool for love
Sent me from high above
You were the one
He wanted to believe he loved her. He needed to believe it. Because that small bit gave him something to hold, no matter how illogical or impossible it was. The voices in Sorrento's song always seemed like they were crying when they reached this part, and Julian closed his eyes. He had not meant to think like such a sentimental sop.
I will be with you
I'm going where the wind blows
Going where the lost ones go
Even if it was sure to never happen, he could at least hope. No matter what the final outcome, the most important thing was that he loved her, or whatever they wanted to call it, and he wanted her to be at her best. And maybe the place where the lost ones went would be interesting. Maybe he would forget about her one day. Or maybe he would keep the scrap of newspaper in his pocket for another day. It hardly mattered.
Leave and let me go
Baby, I can't come along
So carry on, carry on, you must stay strong
The track came to an end, and Julian heard his friend stopping the sound system again. And Julian realized the song was not what was making him remember her. He was making himself remember. Because, in some odd way, he wanted to.