Author's Note: I really, really love the character of Amelia. The actress that plays her is actually the main reason I started watching Grey's Anatomy. (I've since caught up on most of the previous seasons.) I especially enjoy seeing her relationship with Meredith. Hopefully we'll see more of that now that they and Maggie are living together. The scenes between the three of them in the season 12 premiere were amazing. After Derek died last season, things between Meredith and Amelia got really rocky. Meredith letting Amelia hear Derek's last voicemail helped to heal that rift a bit, but I really wanted to see a little more closure between their characters. This one-shot is my attempt at showing that. It touches on a whole bunch of different things that I haven't really seen the show address. It also makes brief mention of Amelia's time on Private Practice. If you haven't watched that, basically all you need to know is that her fiance died of an overdose. Hopefully everything is in character. Finding Amelia's balance between upbeat and emotional took a little bit of work. But I'm really happy with how this turned out. Enjoy!
Picking Up the Pieces
The evening after the wedding reception, Meredith pulls out the packing boxes. True, she hasn't found a buyer for the house yet. But moving back into her mom's old place is practically a done deal now that Alex and Jo have their own place. They should be out soon, so it makes sense to go ahead and start packing. She decides to start with Derek's things. That's the hardest job emotionally, which means it will probably take the longest. But hopefully getting it done will help Meredith find a bit more peace.
She has a fair portion of Derek's clothes laid out on the bed and is busy sorting them into two piles – keep and donate – when Amelia appears in the door to the bedroom.
"The kids are finally out," Amelia says with a smile. "Zola wanted me to read her three bedtime stories, I had to take half the living room apart to find Bailey's bear, and Ellis refused to go to sleep unless I rocked her. But my awesome aunt skills prevailed."
"Thanks for doing that," Meredith says, picking up another shirt. "It's a really big help."
"I don't mind. I kind of enjoy it actually," Amelia says honestly. She takes a half step into the room and leans her shoulder against the doorframe. "Whatcha doing?"
"Sorting Derek's clothes," Meredith says as she folds up the shirt and sets it in the donate pile. "Alex and Jo are planning to move out soon, so I figured I'd go ahead and get started packing."
"Oh," Amelia says awkwardly. She looks down, her right fingers tapping idly against the knuckles of her left hand. "Did you start on the closet yet?"
"Not yet," Meredith says. "Why? Is there something you want?"
"No," Amelia says quickly. "Maybe. I don't know. It's just that the closet…" She reaches up to scratch her forehead before jamming both her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "Never mind."
"What?" Meredith asks, setting down the pair of slacks she just picked up.
A nervous smile crosses Amelia's face as she looks up at Meredith.
"You'll think it's stupid," she says with a shrug.
"I won't," Meredith insists. "I promise."
Amelia glances in the direction of the closet, and suddenly she looks terribly small standing there in the doorway. Finally she sighs and takes a step further into the bedroom. Her gaze drifts down towards the carpet as she begins idly kicking the fibers with the sock-covered toes of her right foot.
"While you were gone," she says softly, "there were a few times where things got kinda bad and I almost relapsed." Her eyes fly up to Meredith's as she quickly adds, "I never actually did it. I wanted to. I really, really wanted to. But I didn't. But sometimes when it got really bad, I'd go in your closet and sit on Derek's side and hold his shirts. They still smelled like him." Her gaze falls back to the carpet. "Most of them don't anymore. I sort of wore them out. But they used to. I guess being in there with that smell just made me feel safe. Like he was still here."
Meredith's throat is tight by the time Amelia finishes. Aside from the incident in the supply closet, this is the most Amelia has ever said to Meredith about Derek's death. Meredith is so surprised at the admission that it takes her a second to notice that her hand has turned into a fist around the material of the slacks she just put down. She forces her fingers to uncurl before she wrinkles the fabric. She's never admitted it out loud, but the truth is that she would probably be sleeping with Derek's sweatshirts if they still smelled like him. And the fact that they don't anymore still makes her heart ache a little.
"That's not stupid," Meredith says when she finally finds her voice again.
"Yeah, well," Amelia says as her usual nonchalant grin slides into place. "It's kinda childish."
Meredith doesn't really know what to say right now. She and Amelia may live together, but they've never been exactly close. And now with Derek gone, they feel further apart than ever.
"If there's anything of Derek's you want, anything at all, it's yours," Meredith offers.
She means it as an olive branch, but apparently it's exactly the wrong thing to say. Amelia's grin slips, instead being replaced by a strangely unreadable expression.
"Thanks," she says quietly. She clears her throat, and her gaze darts away again like a spooked doe. "I'll put some feelers out tomorrow about a new place. See if I can get out of your hair."
"You don't have to," Meredith tells her.
"Look, I know you and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye on a lot of things," Amelia says with forced levity. "Just because I'm Derek's sister doesn't mean you have to feel like you owe me anything."
"I don't," Meredith says. Amelia raises her eyebrow questioningly, and Meredith sighs. "Okay, maybe I do. But that's not the point. You're family, Amelia. And Derek being gone doesn't change that. Which is why I want you to move in to my mom's house with us."
Amelia is staring at her like she's suddenly sprouted a second head.
"Are you serious?" she asks slowly.
"Yeah," Meredith says. When Amelia keeps staring, she rushes to add, "I told Maggie she could move in too. It could be fun. Three single women and my kids. It'll be like 'Full House' or whatever."
Amelia looks down at the carpet as her thumbs begin to toy nervously with her belt loops.
"You sure you want me around?" she asks. "I pretty much accused you of letting Derek die."
And there it is – the massive elephant in the room. Meredith is completely out of her depth here. She's never been very the best at this whole sister thing. Especially where Amelia is concerned. But the image of Amelia huddled in a dark closet hugging Derek's shirts is the kick in the butt that Meredith needs. She may not know what to say, but after abandoning Amelia the way she did, she owes it to her sister-in-law to at least try. Meredith exhales heavily through her nose. Then she walks around to the end of the bed and pushes the donation pile back so there's room for her to sit down.
"Sit," she says, patting the bed beside her. Amelia hesitates briefly before coming forward and sitting down beside Meredith. Once she's seated, Meredith turns slightly so she's almost facing Amelia. "We need to have a talk. One we probably should've had a long time ago."
"Meredith-" Amelia begins. The tone of her voice makes it clear she's headed for an apology.
"You had your say yesterday," Meredith interrupts. "Now it's my turn."
Amelia sighs and forces a nod as her gaze hits the carpet again. The sudden vulnerability hiding in her averted eyes is just one more sign that this talk needs to happen now. Meredith's own gaze shifts to settle on a point against the far wall. She's never spoken to anyone about what she's about to say, and she'll never be able to get it out if she's looking at Amelia.
"When our plane crashed a few years ago," she says, her voice quiet, "Lexie was trapped under part of the plane. I knew it was bad, but I thought she would be okay. She was my sister. It just never occurred to me that she wouldn't make it."
She pauses briefly as she tries to find the strength to keep going. She can feel Amelia's eyes watching her intently, and somehow that makes it both harder and easier to keep going.
"When we found her," Meredith finally continues, "Derek was still missing. So I left Lexie with Mark and Cristina, and I went looking for him. By the time I got back, Lexie was dead. I kept telling myself that I should have been there. That I should've fought to save her instead of walking away. That if I had just been there that maybe I could've done something. I know I couldn't have. She was too badly hurt. But I think if I had been there, it might have made it easier somehow. At least then I could've said good-bye. I could've told her how much I loved her. But I never got the chance. And part of me still regrets it."
Meredith finally finds the courage to look over at her audience of one. Amelia's eyes are damp with pained understanding. Just looking at them makes the lump in Meredith's throat feel even tighter.
"I know how it feels to not get to say good-bye," she says in a strained voice. "To feel like you missed this important moment that you should've had. I know how that regret can eat away at you. And for me to have put you in that position…" She shakes her head as she searches for words. "You were right. I should have called you. I was so consumed by my own pain that I didn't think about anyone else. You should've had that last moment with Derek. But you didn't. And there is nothing I could ever do to fix that. I can't give you that moment back. You have no idea how much I wish I could. But I can't. And I am so, so sorry, Amelia. I know those words don't fix anything. But they're all I can give you."
Amelia lets out a heavy breath and blinks rapidly to clear her watery eyes.
"You weren't trying to hurt me," she says, her voice hoarse with emotion. "You were upset, and you weren't thinking. I get it."
"But I should've been," Meredith insists. She shakes her head in frustration. "Honestly, the truth is that even with how long Derek and I have been married, and how long you've been living in this house, somehow you've always just been Derek's sister to me. I never got past that. I have never seen you as my sister. I don't know why. Maybe when you got here it was still too soon after Lexie. And then Maggie came into my life, and now what little sisterly energy I may have tends to get directed at her. But you're my sister too. You are. And somehow I need to get that through my head. Because you are my family. And you deserve better."
"So what, are we gonna be like BFFs now?" Amelia asks with a hint of a grin. Meredith grins back.
"Probably not," she says honestly. "You are a lot to handle. You're stubborn and fiery, and half the time you drive me crazy. I'm not good with sisters even when I do know what to do with them. And most of the time I don't know what to do with you. Some days I'm not even completely sure I like you."
"Thanks a lot," Amelia mutters.
"But," Meredith says strongly, "you are my family. And I want this to work. I do. I want to be a better sister. And I really do want you to move in with Maggie and I. It may be a little cramped, but I'm okay with that if you are."
"You forget I grew up in a full house," Amelia points out. "Cramped is old hat."
"Then it's settled," Meredith says firmly. "And I want you to know that as long as I'm around, you will always have a place at my house. Always."
Amelia's mouth very slowly spreads into a grateful smile rather than a teasing one.
"Thanks," she says in quiet voice.
"Besides," Meredith says lightly. "If you and Maggie both move in, I can save a fortune on babysitting."
"So that's your angle," Amelia says with a chuckle.
"You got me," Meredith says.
She grins over at Amelia, who grins back. Then Amelia looks down at her hands in her lap. Her grin slides from her face, instead behind replaced by a more serious expression.
"I know I don't talk about Ryan a whole lot," Amelia says carefully. "It's still kinda hard even to think about him. But I know what it's like to lose the person you love. To have them just ripped away. I know how it feels to wonder how the hell you can even go on living without them. But somehow you do. And eventually it starts to get easier. I know everybody says that, and it sounds really corny. But it's true." She looks up at Meredith, her wide eyes deeply vulnerable. "I've been where you are. I know what you're going through. And after what happened with Lexie, I think maybe you know what I'm going through too. So I don't know. Maybe we can help each other through it or something."
The parallels have honestly never occurred to Meredith until this moment. But now they're unmistakable. And then Meredith finally sees it – the reason she's not good with Amelia, at least not when it matters. Because underneath all of her sharp wit and fun nature, Amelia has darkness enough to rival Meredith's own. Maybe even to surpass it. And Meredith doesn't know what to do with that. It reminds her too much of herself, and she isn't always totally sure what to do with herself either. Things are just so much easier with Maggie because in some ways she's a lot like Lexie was. She's light and hopeful and not weighed down by darkness, and it's refreshing. She doesn't need much in the way of lifelines or repair. She's a squeaky clean window happily letting in the light. Occasionally streaked or splotchy, but easy enough to fix. But Amelia… Amelia is a patched up pane of broken glass whose sharp edges have been glued back together far too many times. The light still comes through, but sometimes it's harder to make sense of the mosaic. Amelia and Meredith have both been through far more than their share of heartache. And most days their matching scars can send them flying apart like twin magnetic poles. But now for once their pain seems to be drawing them together.
"Yeah," Meredith says with a thoughtful nod. "Maybe we can."
Amelia's gaze drifts back to her lap where her right hand is toying with the fingers of her left.
"I wanted to say thanks for letting me hear that voicemail," she says to her hands. "Hearing his voice again… It helped. A lot."
"I'm glad," Meredith says.
Amelia shakes her head, and the corner of her mouth tugs up in a wry smile.
"You know, it's kinda funny," she says quietly. "I have spent my entire career trying to be something other than Derek Shepherd's sister. Trying to somehow drag myself out of his shadow. But now that shadow's gone, and I don't know what to do without it. It's like… It's like I'm standing on a cliff and somebody just took away the safety net." She shakes her head. "As mad as it used to make me, being in his shadow was safe somehow. It was like I knew in the back of my head that he was always gonna be there to fix things. To protect me, even when I didn't want him to. But now he's gone, and for the first time in my life, I'm just out here. Alone. And it's kinda scary."
She has to stop talking because the tears in her eyes are threatening to overtake her. Meredith reaches over and takes Amelia's hand in her own. Amelia responds by hesitantly tilting her head to rest it against Meredith's shoulder. It's not a position they've ever been in before, but it doesn't feel uncomfortable. In fact, just the opposite.
"You are not alone," Meredith says quietly but firmly. She rests her cheek atop Amelia's head. "You have me and the kids and everybody at the hospital. And you're right. I do know what it's like to lose a sibling. So I know what you're going through. But I also know that we're gonna be okay."
Amelia loudly sniffs back her tears as Meredith gives her hand a comforting squeeze. Then the bedroom falls silent, both of them quietly basking in the silent solidarity the other provides. Maybe they really can help each other through this.
After a few comfortable minutes have passed, Amelia pulls the end of her sleeve down over her free hand and uses it to wipe her damp eyes.
"So can I have the big bedroom?" she asks. Her voice is still a bit scratchy, but her tone is substantially lighter than it was a minute ago.
"No," Meredith tells her. "The master bedroom is mine because it's my house, and the bigger bedroom is for my kids. You and Maggie can decide out who gets the other one and who gets the attic."
"I can take Pierce," Amelia says confidently.
"I don't know," Meredith says. "She can be a firecracker when she wants to be."
"Good point," Amelia concedes. "I guess I can always just pull the dead brother card."
Meredith cranes her neck so she can look down at Amelia in shock.
"You are unbelievable," she says, letting go of Amelia's hand. Amelia lifts her head from Meredith's shoulder with a laugh.
"Relax. I was kidding," she says. Then she shrugs and adds, "Mostly."
Meredith shakes her head.
"We haven't even moved in yet, and I'm already regretting this decision," she says.
"But you still love me because I'm family, remember?" Amelia points out. A smug smile has taken up residence on her face.
"I've created a monster," Meredith groans.
"Pretty sure that was Derek's fault, actually," Amelia says. "You just fed the beast."
"Well, I won't be doing it again," Meredith assures her. "And speaking of food, we will definitely be renegotiating how much you pay for groceries."
"Fair enough," Amelia says. Her smile shrinks a little as she turns more serious. "Look, I'm not the best at sisters either. I know I've got three of them, but I never really connected with any of them the way sisters are supposed to. The closest I ever got was the former sister-in-law who cheated on my brother. So I don't know as much about this whole sisterhood thing as I probably should. But I do know about family. And most of the time, they drive you crazy. They pull your hair and steal your toys and get you into trouble and make you want to run them over with your mother's car."
Meredith smiles a little as Amelia intended.
"Your sales pitch needs work," she says drily.
"But," Amelia continues, firmly emphasizing the word, "family is also there for you. They don't always understand you, and they may not always have your back the way you want. But when it matters, when it really counts, when there is nobody else beside you, sometimes family comes through." She grins before adding, "And when they don't, there's always Mom's car."
This time Meredith can't contain a chuckle.
"I can pretty much guarantee that I will drive you crazy," Amelia says with a smile. "You and I disagree way too much for that not to happen. Some days we won't like each other very much, and some of them, probably a lot of them, you'll probably want to kill me. But in spite of all of that, I promise you that I will be there when you need me. Maybe not always when you want me to be. But definitely when you need me."
Meredith has to swallow the sudden lump in her throat before she can respond.
"Well, in that case, I promise to try very hard not to hit you with my mother's car," she says with a barely veiled smile. Amelia lets out a snort that is the very definition of undignified.
"You're too kind," she says drily.
"I know," Meredith tells her.
Amelia glances over her shoulder at the clothes piled on Meredith's bed.
"You want some help sorting?" she asks. "I know you probably have a system, and I'll probably just screw it up. But I do know your closet pretty well. And doing it with someone might make it easier."
Meredith almost declines the offer. Derek was her husband, and going through his things is a part of the healing process that she isn't too keen on sharing. But Derek was also Amelia's brother. Meredith has already made the mistake of ignoring that bond once. She can't afford to do it again. Besides, the careful eagerness hiding behind Amelia's seemingly flippant expression tugs at Meredith's heart. They both loved Derek, and they both lost him. So maybe they should do this together.
"Okay," Meredith says finally. She points at each of the two piles on the bed in turn. "Keep goes over here, and donations go down there. And if you have questions about anything, just ask."
"You got it, Boss," Amelia says, snapping a smart salute.
She gets off the bed and heads across the room toward the closet. Meredith watches her go in silence. She still doesn't completely know what to do with Amelia. But they understand each other's pain in a way no one else does, and maybe that's worth something. Either way, Meredith has no doubt that the coming living arrangements are going to be interesting. Amelia is a far cry from Lexie, and she's certainly not Derek either. There's no way she could ever fill the gaping hole they've both left in Meredith's heart. But maybe, just maybe, she can make that space seem a little less empty.
A rattling thud echoes from the closet, followed by Amelia quickly calling out, "We're good!"
Meredith groans inwardly. Of course, all of this is assuming that she doesn't kill Amelia first. She wonders idly if Alex knows that one of his duties as Meredith's person is to help her dispose of any potentially damning corpses. Maybe it's time to give him a heads up just in case.
So how was it? Please leave a quick review letting me know what you thought. It will literally make my day. If you want to see more of my work for this fandom, I have an on-going collection of one-shots showing the development of Meredith's relationship with Lexie. It's a little over halfway done, and I've been told it's pretty good. I'm also toying with potentially writing something about Meredith and Maggie, as well as a possible one-shot showing Meredith's thoughts on her relationship with each of her three sisters. If you're interested in seeing me write either of those, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Thanks for reading!