Marco,
Armin said I should do this, because it's supposed to be a 'coping' mechanism, or something. I didn't actually listen. But why not?
You've been gone a while, so it must seem kind of strange that I'm doing this now. And why now? I don't know. Nothing particularly monumental happened today. The titans are still out there, still killing people, I'm still a soldier, Eren is still an asshole, Armin is still smarter than anyone, Mikasa is still scary and beautiful, Sasha still eats anything she can get her hands on, Connie is still bald, and you're still dead.
It feels like I'm the only one that's in this alone. Yeah, they're my friends, and I get that. But they aren't the same. I don't know what it was about you, but you got me. I could say anything, and you'd be alright with it. You were a bit blunt, but I think that's part of the reason we got along. Because, shit, I'm the epitome of blunt, right?
Right there. That's where I miss you. You'd have laughed at that, even though it wasn't really funny, or even a joke at all. But it was never fake, not once. What's up with that, you freak? You've got a really twisted sense of humor! It must be the freckles. Ymir's crazy too... Maybe I'm on to something.
Sorry, that's how I deal with things these days. I either punch Jaeger in his stupid Titan-shifter face, or think about something else. It helps, for a while anyway. I don't have anyone to actually listen to me anymore, so I don't have many outlets. I'm doing better lately, according to everyone else. I wonder if I'm doing better, or just becoming numb? I've seen a lot of numb soldiers, but I never believed that I could be one of them. I'm angry, and confrontational, and cynical, but numb? That's the last word I'd ever think of to describe myself.
But I can feel it sometimes. It starts in my fingers, and works its way up to my heart, until all I can do is move mechanically, slice at whatever is in front of me. I'm to the point where I don't even care if I make it back. Would it have been different with you still by my side? I'd be in the Military Police instead, probably trailing behind you like a puppy, because you know my lazy ass wouldn't take any initiative without you. And we both know you'd be working your ass off, making the best of the position, actually doing your job instead of taking it easy.
You're doing that now, I imagine. What's it like, not having to wonder where your next meal is coming from? Not having to wake up at the drop of a pin to make sure that it isn't a Titan in the distance, to make sure it's not another traitor, to make sure it's not another casualty? Not having to bite your hand till it bleeds in the middle of the night because you're trying to stifle your fucking sobs because some asshole up and fucking died without any explanation, and you have no other friends in the world. I can't tell you how many times Eren's tried to say that I'm jealous of his Titan-shifter power.
I'm not. But I wonder, if I could shift, would I have been able to save you then? Would you still be here, smiling at me, calling me a dork for lamenting about something so silly? It's not silly. Your life meant more to me than it probably meant to you. There's a lot I didn't have a chance to say to you, and that's part of it. I'd never met someone like you. No one's ever put up with my shit before. And then along came your freckled ass, and don't even try to deny that it's freckled, with your stupid friendly smile and understanding personality, and the patience of a saint. You fucked everything up. I could have managed training without making friends, without getting close to anyone, without getting hurt.
But no. You had to give me a chance. You had to sit with me, and eat with me, and let me shove your drink in your face, and still, you slept next to me, and kept me quiet when my pussy ass couldn't keep my feelings to myself, and you made me like you. Made me love you.
And what am I supposed to do with that now? You didn't even know. I never told you. I'm not going to lie and say that I was going to tell you the very next day. I don't need that bullshit hyped up drama. But I loved you. I had every intention of following you anywhere you went, until you loved me too. Maybe you already did. I'll never know. You'll never know.
I'll never know what it's like to hold you, to feel your warmth seeping through even my clothes, to kiss you. All I can have is this memory of you, broken, missing. I might remember the smiles, and the freckles, and the one-armed hugs, but those will never be the first or the last things I remember when I think of you. What sense is there in eradicating the world of Titans if you aren't here to share the victory with me? Well, fuck, who cares. I probably won't make it that long anyway.
Jean
A/N: So, I won't leave too many author's notes on this story, because I think that'll ruin the effect. But I want you to know what it's going to be before you hop in headfirst. Each chapter will be a letter written in a different universe. I started with canonverse, but the next one will be a totally different setting. None of these are connected to each other, and none of them are happy. I was in a special mood the past two days.
I just wanted you to know what this is going to be. You should give me feedback and tell me how I'm doing though, for sure.
KuroRiya
九六りや