The Super Secret Diary of Arthas Menethil
Day One:
Bad news. Orcs free, plague in northlands. Daddy sending Uther and I to Strahnbrad to stop orc raids. Hope Uther remembers to bring hammer polish.
I wonder what it would be like to be King?
Day Three:
Killed black dragon and ripped out heart. Go me! Gave heart to dwarf in hope to get in his pants. Stupid dwarf. Gave me orb of fire in thanks instead of spreading them. Dwarves have no sense of romance.
Probably would have slept with me if I was King.
Day Four:
Brained orc with fire orb. Feel a bit better.
Day Five:
Jaina Proudmore and Captain Valonforth showed up. Say plague is killing people. Thought that was what plagues usually do.
Jaina looks like the slutty type. Wonder if she would be interested in polishing my hammer.
-Later-
She was.
Day Eight:
Met a nice guy in Brill. He's funny, charming, but smells a little weird. Will ask him out for drink since Jaina is polishing Uther's hammer tonight.
He calls himself Kel'Thuzad.
Day Nine:
Bad news. Kel seems to be behind undead who keep attacking. Also he gave me VD. Must kill.
This would not have happened if I was King.
Day Twelve:
Found Kel at Andorhal. Killed him even though he asked me out. He told me he had sent our sex tap to demon in Stratholme. Must get it back.
Bringing Jaina with as otherwise would have no one to shag.
Day 15:
Stopped in Hearthglen as they have a very nice topless bar. Then found out army of undead marching on city. Very disappointed as it cut lap dance short.
Jaina ran away with stripper, the slut.
Day 16:
Plagued grain turned all townsfolk into undead. Did not see that coming. Attempted to fight them off but overwhelmed. Five undead tackled me and put hands down pants. Then Uther showed up.
Wish he'd been a bit slower.
Day 17:
Still pouting. Uther annoyed that I will not polish his hammer. Told him that his nickname for blowjob is stupid. Now he's pouting too.
Wish I was King. Kings do not get put over Uther's knee and spanked.
Day 18:
Met weird birdman name Medivh. He told us that Lordaeron was doomed and we should go to Kalimdor. I think he just wants to be King. Besides, Tauren are stronger and Night Elves are prettier then I am. Told him to buzz off.
Jaina keeps asking lots of questions about size of Tauren horns. Am trying not listen.
Day 21:
Can't stop wondering if what Medivh said about Tauren horns is true. Tried to take my mind off of it, but people of Stratholme refuse to pamper me. Have decided to purge the town. Uther and Jaina too busy having sex in bushes to help.
I wish I was King.
Day 22:
Stratholme in flames. Met Mal'Ganis who, for a demon, is very nice. Asked me out for a drink but tavern in flames. Skipped the pleasantries and found nice bush instead.
Day 23:
Mal'Ganis gone. Left a note saying I was a terrible lover and he sent sex tape to Daddy. Also, he gave me another VD. Have already asked around and found out his forwarding address is in Northrend. Have decided to go there until tape scandal blows over.
Day 42:
Still at sea. Wonder how it is possible that gnomes have invented video recorders, but not penicillin. Curse this medieval fantasy setting. Also, hammer polish supplies low. Suspect the crew.
Day 54:
Arrived in Northrend. Much colder here then I thought it would be. Found my old mentor Muradin Bronzebeard already here. Was very surprised. Happy that I will no longer have to rely on inexperienced cabin boys.
Still wish I was King.
Day 57:
Captain Valonforth showed up again and told me to go home. By the fire in my crotch, I can't leave until Mal'Ganis is dead! Besides, something about Tuskarr in loincloths very appealing.
Set fire to ships instead. Blamed others. Made smores.
Yummy!
Day 60:
As expected, Draktharon Keep full of trolls. A few asked me out for drinks, but even I have limits. Killed lots. Found a way to magical sword called Frostmourne. Guardian of Sword very sexy but would not accept my advances. Killed him too. Muradin read sword inscription and said sword was cursed. Took sword anyway and killed Muradin. I think. He fell down anyway. My soldiers are starting to go mad. They seem to be afraid of me for some reason.
Evil voice in head tells me to kill everyone. Glad I'm not crazy like soldiers.
Day 61:
Finally found Mal'Ganis. Evil voice in head told me to kill him. Did so. Found ship and abandoned soldiers to die. Good thing too, they were all crazy.
I've been thinking… Why shouldn't I be King?
Day 95:
Arrived at home. Very large party held in my honor. Lots of drinking and naked women dancing.
Flower petal fell into eye. So I killed everyone.
It's good to be the King.
Day 96:
Bad news. People upset over me killing Daddy. Will not accept me as King.
Fine! Be that way! I'll go find someone who will then!
Day 116:
Met demon in Vandermar. His name is Tichondrius. Very sexy. Looks a lot like Mal'Ganis only thinks I'm great in bed. Have decided not to kill him yet.
Day 120:
Assembled cult to do my bidding. Feels nice to be treated like King.
Day 121:
Am starting to miss Kel'Thuzad for some reason. Sure, he gave me VD but Tich's fangs have been scratching my hammer. Have decided to steal his corpse and bring him back to life. It will make him love me again.
Day 125:
Kel as grateful as I hoped. He told me not to trust Tich though. Says that demons carry the worst VD of all.
Explains the warts.
Day 130:
Oops. Somehow shagged beloved Kelly into dust. Tich very jealous, but told me we need power of Sunwell to revive him. Need special urn too which Uther has. Not sure about seeing Uther again, but have heard that elf men very hot.
To Quel'Thalas!
Day 133:
Awkward reunion with Uther. He asked me how I was doing and I said fine. I ask how Jaina was doing and he said she was polishing some elf prince's staff. Agreed that she was a slut. Killed Uther and took urn. Turns out it was holding Daddy's remains.
Daddy much more ashy and burnt then I remember him.
Day 154:
Almost to Quel'Thalas. Was having fun laying waste to all that came before us when an elf came into camp. Scolded us for half hour and gave us very large bill for littering. One hundred gold just for littering? Does it look like I'm made of money!?
Killed her and brought her tortured spirit back as a banshee. Was very ungrateful.
Too bad! Suck it Sylvanas!
Day 157:
Invaded Quel'Thalas. Elves just as hot as rumored but all ran away before army could catch them. Disappointed but appreciative of their very nice asses.
Filled Sunwell with strawberry bubble bath and had nice soak. Kelly rehydrated well. Can hold his breath long time as well. Plan to stay here forever.
Day 158:
Bad news. Tich's BF Archimonde got rejected from Daralan U again. Has ordered us to go raze Mage city to the ground. Very disappointed. Had wanted to play 'Find the Hammer' some more.
Day 165:
Arrived at Daralan. Asked about Jaina and found she went to Kalimdor with some orc named Thrall. Had wanted to show her I was perfectly happy without her. Have decided to kill everyone instead.
Day 166:
Found Book of Medivh. For a birdman he sure had a lot of nifty ideas on what you can do with hammer polish. Tich took book so he could learn something new to use when Archimonde arrives.
Demons not as great as originally thought.
Day 167:
Kelly and I were fired. Demons officially suck. Have decided to leave together and find someplace better where I can be King. Archimonde will rue the day!
Day 192:
Met a weird Night Elf named Illidan. Asked him out for drinks and the jerk was offended when he found out I gave him VD. Told him to where to find a magic skull if he agreed to murder that slut Tich.
For some reason I miss home.
Day 214:
Came home to Lordaeron. Found squatters in city and killed them all. Sylvanas seems extra grumpy lately. Allowed her to polish my hammer but mood did not improve.
Women.
Day 215:
Sylvanas tried to kill me today. Bitch. Kelly saved me though. Yay Kelly! Have decided that being King not really so great. Evil voice in head suggests Northrend may be suitable vacation. Kelly helping me pack my bags, the sweetie.
Day 245:
Northrend no better. Elf-Prince EX of Jaina attacked me. Says that elves can't get strawberry smell out of Sunwell and are very angry. Killed his troops but elf ran away before I could catch him. A bit of a jerk, but very firm looking butt on that one.
Day 247:
Murdered a dragon and raised it back up as a frost wyrm.
Why? Well why the hell not?
Day 250:
Met big spider thingie named Anub'arak. Asked me home to meet his parents. Bad idea. Spider Kingdom very dark and scary. Wish I had remembered to bring spare pair of pants.
Day 251:
Nameless horrors follow our every move. They stand there in the darkness and whisper vile thoughts into the air.
"They're making a second Sex in the City movie!"
"That armor makes you look fat."
"Diet Dr Pepper tastes the same as regular Dr Pepper!"
The evil voice in my head telling me to murder everything is the only thing keeping me sane.
Day 253:
Made it back to surface. Yay me!
Illidan, Elf-Prince guy, and a Snake-Lady there to kill me. Boo!
Illidan still mad about VD, Elf-Prince about the strawberry smell, and the Snake-Lady doesn't like my hairdo.
*sniffle*
I'll be sure to kill them all once heart stops breaking.
Day 254:
Illidan keeps shouting that I'm not prepared. Decided catch phrase was very annoying and made him fall down.
Evil voice in head told me to go up stairs and claim frozen throne. Did so. Helm very stylish.
Day 255:
Became one with Ner'zhul. Not as fulfilling as I'd hoped. No one attended the ceremony and I don't think we even get a tax break for being a married couple. When will the government give love a chance!?
Also, Frozen Throne very uncomfortable. Hiney keeps on going numb due to ice. Wish Ner'zhul would agree to move somewhere more tropic. Have heard Undermine is beautiful this time of year.
Wonder if it's too early to think of divorce?