Warning- Contains themes of cutting, self-hate, and suicide.
Summary- This is a Cadley AU, where Cameron and Remy where in a serious relationship, but then Remy started spiraling out of control when she found out she was going to die of Huntington's just as her mother did. Cameron is helpless to making Remy realize she needs to stop.
A/N- Hope you all enjoy; tell me what you think :)
"Let me see your arm"
"No!"
"Goddamn, Remy, let me see your fucking arm!" And there it was, proof of just how broken the young doctor really had become. There was a painful sting that pierced Cameron's heart as she saw the rows upon rows of scars, with three fresh ones throbbing red. The brunette couldn't bring herself to look at Cameron. She couldn't face the pain in the blonde's eyes. She couldn't even come up with an excuse as for why she did it. But Cameron understood fully why.
After a long silence, Cameron found her voice again. "I thought you said you would stop," the edge in Cameron's voice was gone, leaving only her worried tone as she trailed her finger lightly across the freshest cuts. "I thought you said you would stop for me." She couldn't hold back the single tear that escaped her, leaving a wet trail down her cheek.
The brunette pulled her arm away and rolled her sleeve back down. "Why do you even care what I do anymore? You left me, remember?" Her voice sounded hurt, and she didn't even try to hide it. She was done hiding. She was still hurt over the blonde just walking out on her two weeks prior. Cameron had left without an explanation, and it killed Remy. The last thing the blonde had said to her was, "promise me you won't kill yourself." And even though she had scoffed it on her way out of their shared apartment, she had meant it sincerely. She was trying to teach Remy a lesson, and she could only hope she learned it.
Cameron shook her head, letting her blonde curls cover her face. "I still care Rem-" And it was true. The ER doctor could never stop caring for those around her, and certainly not Remy. It was like a curse. "-I could never stop caring for you." She struggled to get the words out. Cameron had fought for so long, trying to get Remy to stop hurting herself. She thought she had been successful.
Remy leaned against the cool wall, and let herself sink to the hard stone beneath her. She allowed the night to envelop her thoughts, ignoring the sharp sting that still radiated from her arm. The young doctor tried to process what her ex-lover was saying, but none of it made sense to her. "Why?" She looked up from where she sat, eyes rimmed with red and tears threatening to fall. The brunette had taken nothing away from Cameron leaving, other than the fact that she was unwanted, and alone.
"Why? Why what? Why do I care?" Cameron burst into anger suddenly, "Because I love you, because you're scared, because I'm not going to just leave you." It all came out in a long string that flowed together. She almost even forgot to breathe when she finished. "Because you're in denial." Cameron's voice was barely above a whisper now, but it was loud enough for Remy to hear.
"You already did." Remy replied sarcastically, unshed tears glistening in her eyes. She didn't like talking when the topic changed over to this. The blonde's heart sunk. Remy was right, she had left her, but it had been the last thing in the world she had wanted to do.
Cameron wasn't mad about the cutting, but more why she was cutting. "I don't care if you don't want to hear it. You can't keep fucking hurting yourself, so you're gonna listen this time." Remy turned her face in the opposite direction of Cameron, not acknowledging she had said anything at all. If Cameron wasn't going to answer to why she left her in the first place, then she felt no obligation to answering for her own actions. Remy knew she was being stubborn, she didn't care. It was just how she was.
With a huff, Cameron knelt down next to her and ran her hand through her blonde curls before she began. "When people look at you, they all see this beautiful, confident woman, and brilliant doctor who saves lives everyday. When you look in the mirror though Rem, you still see yourself as that little twelve year old girl, scared of her mother, scared of becoming her. You make excused as to why you do it. But you can't blame a patient's death, missing a diagnosis, or anything else for that matter. You're scared. It's ok to be scared Rem, but you have to talk to me about it. You don't have to face this alone, no one should have to." Cameron's voice lowered, "Please just stop pushing me away. I'm not going anywhere."
She placed her hand on Remy's shoulder, only to feel the brunette flinch away from the contact. She continued on anyway, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her resistant body into the embrace. Remy's walls crumbled and the brunette found herself weeping into the arms of her lover. She couldn't resist Cameron, no matter what she told herself, no matter what she did. Even now, as she cried in her arms, she felt a strange sense of peace. "Why did you leave?" She wasn't sure she had even said it aloud.
Cameron loosened her embrace, and pulled back just enough to look into Remy's eyes. "Because I was scared too." She ran her hands through the broken women's long dark hair, not allowing her hands to still, not allowing the contact to break between them, in fear of Remy vanishing into this air. She missed being able to just hold her, she missed being able to feel her warn skin under her hands, she missed her.
The blonde cleared her throat before she elaborated. "I could feel myself losing you. You were getting too deep into the drugs and I knew I couldn't stop you. I kept trying to get you to realize, Rem, I kept trying to get you to see..." Cameron used her sleeve to wipe away the tears that were streaming down Remy's face. "I hated myself for leaving, but you needed to see what you were doing to yourself, to us. It's not just some game anymore, you have to face up to the fact that I care about you, and if you died, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It isn't only your life your toying with Remy. I love you. Why isn't that enough to just make you see."
Remy didn't know what to say. She knew she had been getting stoned and wasted too often to be healthy, but she wasn't healthy to begin with, so she never saw the harm. Until now. "Cam, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." Tears started pouring relentlessly now, as everything finally clicked. She fell back into Cameron's arms. She had been killing herself. Willingly trying to end her life so it never had to get as bad as she feared it would one day. She made a vow to stop. To stop for Cameron.
When Cameron moved out of their apartment two weeks later, she had been in tears, unwilling to leave. It felt like deja vu, the whole scene of leaving again burning in her mind. She knew Remy wouldn't understand, but Cameron knew she would never change unless she was forced to. "I'll stop this time, I promise..." Even as she heard the words slip from Remy's pleading lips, she was sure this was the only way. She already had given her a second chance, she couldn't wait around forever, watching her lover kill herself. Cameron's response was nothing more than a simple, "Good," before she closed the door behind her and sunk to the floor in the hallway. She knew she wasn't going to stop. She never did. She only hoped Remy would realize the damage she was doing before it was too late.