Summary: "Loving each other had never been the problem; the problem was it just never seemed to be enough." One Shot based loosely off the clip scene in the promo for 5.11. NHJ
Disclaimers: I own not a thing, which is a damn shame. The title comes from a song by Trisha O'Keefe who's pretty much awesome.
Spoilers: Season 5 I guess, mostly the past couple of episodes.
Author's note: For those who read my stuff, you know angst isn't too much my shtick, but this storyline with Naley being separated has caught my attention and I wanted to expand on a scene that I'm really looking forward to. Thanks to my BT, Dawnie (Babblebaby) for all of her help and encouragement and to Punkin (Lorilozz) for the support and nursing me through my break down lol. Lub ya girls.
Never Enough
The sound of the comforter rustled loudly in the room, taking over the deafening silence that was most nights filled with happy laughter or flowing words from a book. Jamie situated himself among the pillows and Haley let out a quiet sigh as his head automatically turned to look at the picture of him and Nathan. It'd been the same quiet, broken routine for the past two nights.
"You want a story tonight sweetie?" she sat at the edge of the bed, tucking the blanket further against his body in an effort to keep her shaking hands busy.
"I want my Daddy." He answered turning to look at her in the eyes, her heart breaking as confusion and anger swam around in the baby blues that were so similar to those of his father's. If she was honest with herself, she wanted his daddy too. She may have requested a divorce and she might have even meant it, but that didn't mean she didn't still yearn for his presence.
"I know you do sweets, but Daddy's not home right now. So let's read okay?"
"Nanny Carrie always sings me a song, I miss Nanny Carrie." He repeated for what had to be the hundredth time since the nanny was fired. Just her name made Haley's stomach churn with disgust. It was bad enough the woman caused possibly unfixable damage between her and Nathan, but the way she turned Jamie against her ate away at Haley's already broken heart.
"Jamie, we talked about Nanny Carrie before, remember?" she asked through her tears, glancing down at her little boy who once again had his eyes turned away from her. "Nanny Carrie made mistakes and –"
Her brow creased in confusion as the doorbell cut her off, wondering who would be visiting at that time of night. Leaning down she pressed a kiss to the boy's forehead, telling him to read or color until she came back up.
Walking down the stairs she ran her hands roughly through her hair, wondering when this nightmare that seemed to have consumed their lives for the past six months would be over. Reaching the door she turned the knob with still shaking hands to find Nathan on the other side looking just as bad as she felt. His hands shoved deeply in his pockets with discomfort, his hair disheveled and the bags under his eyes a telling sign that he'd not been sleeping well, if at all.
"Nathan," she started with a sigh, closing her eyes in an attempt to avoid his own that she knew would be searching hers. "I can't deal with this tonight okay?"
"I know Haley, I'm not here to bother you about the…thing." He finished lamely, the word divorce unable to roll off his tongue as easily as it had so many years ago when he'd made the same request of her. "I just wanted to check on you and Jamie. I don't like you guys being in the house alone."
"Well that's really sweet Nathan, but we're fine. I'll tell you what though, if I see anyone swimming naked in our pool or feel someone behind me in the shower, I'll give you a call." She snapped, swinging the door shut before his arm reached out to stop it.
She looked at him now, the coldness in her eyes betrayed by the break she felt in her heart as her eyes met his. A myriad of emotions swam around in his orbs of blue, and she almost let herself give in, almost let herself become that protection she'd so often been for him.
"Hales," he choked out, "I just…I needed to see you guys okay? I can't not see you. I waited as long as I could and I know you don't want me here and you don't want to see me or talk to me and that's fine, I…I get it I guess. But I have to see you and Jamie, I-"
"Nathan." She stopped him with a raise of her hand, tears flooding her eyes at the rawness in his voice. "Just go upstairs and see your son. He was asking for his daddy anyways."
Nodding with a small, grateful smile, he slipped through the door, his hand accidentally grazing her's and they both let out small gasp at the contact. He turned to look at her, mouth opening to say something and then closing a few seconds later in frustration before turning back to the stairs, taking them two at a time in earnest to see his little boy.
Nathan leaned against the doorjamb, a small smile on his face as he watched his son concentrate fully on what he was doing. It still amazed Nathan how much of a perfect blend Jamie was of him and Haley. He had Nathan's love for basketball, his piercing blue eyes and his 'I like to get my way' attitude. Nathan loved the fact that Jamie was like him, loved the fact that they had a connection, but it was the similarities to his wife that he saw in his son that he adored more than anything. He had Haley's light hair, and her cute little round cheeks and button nose and he definitely had her smarts and overall wit. He was perfect, the best thing Nathan had ever done, besides asking Haley to marry him in the first place. He was positive he wouldn't be here at all had it not been for her.
"Hey Jim-Jam." He called from where he was standing, the first real smile gracing his face as Jamie turned around to face him, excitement bouncing around in his big blue eyes as he raced out of his chair.
"DADDY!" he cried as his father scooped him up in his arms to crush him into a hug.
"Hey you little monkey." He whispered, pushing his head down into the boys shoulder to inhale his scent. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Momma was tucking me in when the doorbell rang so she said I could read and color until she came back." The little boy informed him, pulling back to look at his dad as he spoke.
"Oh yeah? Well why don't I go get Mommy and then we can tuck you in together?" Nathan asked as he plopped Jamie down on the bed, laying a kiss to his forehead before starting towards the door.
Jamie's eyes went wide as he shook his head vigorously. "NO! Just you!"
"What? Jamie, why? You love it when Mom and I tuck you in and she reads to you. You always say I don't do the voices as good as she does." Nathan's brow furrowed in confusion as he took in the flustered state of his son.
"Just you." He repeated. "Momma tucked me in last night, it's your turn."
"Yeah, okay bud." He agreed with a nod, still confused as to why Jamie didn't want his mom to join them. "Under the covers and I'll read you a book. Which one?"
Haley stood in the hallway, watching with flooded eyes as Nathan situated Jamie in the bed. Reaching over his head to get a book before settling down next to him; his long legs stretched out in front of him as the little boy cuddled into his side. She longed to join them, to stretch herself out on the other side of Jamie, thread her fingers through Nathan's while they read to their son. But she knew that's not what he wanted, she'd heard his request to just be with his father, and while, admittedly it made her a little jealous, she understood he missed his daddy.
"Are you ever coming home Daddy?" the little voice echoed through the room, causing Nathan to still in his movements and Haley to strangle back a sob. Nathan looked down to meet the sad, confused eyes of his little boy, his heart breaking a little more with guilt knowing he was responsible for putting his family in this mess.
"I hope so." He replied with soft honesty, pulling the child closer into his side. He brushed another kiss to the top of his son's head, whispering an apology so soft Haley almost missed it from where she was stationed. The urge to forgive and forget as was so often the case with her and Nathan almost overwhelmed her in that moment as she slid down the wall outside of the door. She didn't want her little boy to be hurt by this, she didn't want to be hurt, and she didn't want Nathan to hurt; she just wanted to rewind back six months when hurt seemed like a distant memory to her family.
"But until then buddy," Nathan's voice broke through her thoughts, and without seeing him she knew he was just as affected by Jamie's question as she had been. "I need you to be the man of the house and take care of Mommy, make sure she smiles a lot okay? You can do that right Jim-Jam? You can take care of Mommy while I'm not home?"
Jamie peered up into his father's face, seeming to contemplate the question before a scowl took over his face.
"I hate Momma." he mumbled, though both parents heard him clearly.
"Jamie!" Nathan exclaimed, shocked by the anger in his son's voice. "Why would you say something like that?"
"Because she made Nanny Carrie go away! I love Nanny Carrie, I want her to be my Mommy!" Haley flinched as she once again heard those hurtful words leave her little boy's mouth. She and Jamie had always been so close, and to hear him say he wanted a different mommy was a pain she didn't think she'd ever felt.
"James Lucas Scott, I do not ever want to hear you say those words again, do you hear me?" Nathan reprimand with a stern eye on his son who formed is face into a pout but nodded in understanding. "Mommy loves you, you know that right?"
A muffled sob escaped Haley's throat at the familiarity of Nathan's words, remembering how difficult it had been to have to ask Jamie if he knew that his daddy loved him only a couple of months ago.
"Yes." Jamie confirmed, lifting a weight from both parents shoulders with his quick and confident answer. "But why did she make Nanny Carrie go away? Nanny Carrie made you happy. Are you going to be sad now like before she came?"
Nathan felt another wave of guilt hit him at his son's question; never did he think James would connect his happiness to Carrie, which was so far off from the truth it was ridiculous. Shifting Jamie so that he sat on his lap facing him, Nathan tilted his chin up until their eyes met, blue on blue.
"I want you to listen to me okay?" he began, making sure he had the full attention of his four year old. "I'm sorry. I didn't ever want you to see me sad, and I didn't ever want it to make you sad. But I'm not sad anymore and that's because you and mommy are what make me happy, more than anything, okay? Not Nanny Carrie. Mommy and I made Nanny Carrie go away because she wasn't a good person. She-"
"Like Grandpa Dan?" Jamie cut in, his eyes wide with curiosity.
Haley had to bite back a smile at the concern she could hear in her son's voice, the speech she and Nathan had given him about Dan obviously sticking with him.
"Not exactly." Nathan answered, shaking his head at the difficulty of the situation at hand. "Nanny Carrie was mean to mommy, and I love your mommy very much and I don't like it when people are mean to her, that's why we made her leave. You understand?"
Haley held her breathe as silenced wafted through the door. She could only imagine James sat there on his daddy's lap, a pensive expression on his face as he considered the words of his father.
"I understand." He announced, hopping off of Nathan's lap without warning and running out the door. He skid to a stop when he found his mother sitting in the hallway, furiously wiping at her face to erase the tear stains. Nathan came around the corner next, his eyes wide in concern as he took in the broken picture his wife made.
"I'm sorry Momma, I don't hate you." Jamie apologized, flopping down unceremoniously into his mother's lap before turning around to squish her cheeks between his chubby hands. "I love you."
Haley's eyes once again filled with tears as she leaned her head forward to brush her nose with Jamie's, her hands wrapping around him to hug him tight. "Oh I love you too baby. So much."
Nathan stood against the wall, the corners of his lips turning up into a small smile as he watched his two favorite people cuddled up with each other in a sweet moment. He wanted nothing more than to drop to the floor and join them; wrap his arms around them both and tell them continually how much he loved and needed them, but he knew that's not what Haley wanted, she wanted space. So no matter how much it killed him, he was going to give her space, because she deserved at least that from him.
She could feel his eyes on them as they sat huddled together on the floor and she wanted to ask him to join them, to come hold them, hold her. The temptation from her heart beat out the warnings from her head and she'd just opened her mouth to form the words when Jamie's voice broke the reverie.
"Momma, did Nanny Carrie make you sad?" Haley gave the boy a small smile and shrug, brushing a kiss to his forehead before leaning her own against it.
"You know what baby, she kind of did. She just wasn't very nice to me…or daddy sometimes."
She risked a glance at Nathan, knowing he would understand that she was acknowledging that Carrie had set them up. Their eyes locked for a minute and he nodded in gratitude, knowing it wasn't easy for her give him that. She looked back down at Jamie who donned what she imagined was the same pensive look he'd had on his cute little face all night, his brows knit tight together in thought, looking so much like Nathan in that moment it brought a small smile to her face.
"I don't think I like Nanny Carrie anymore." He shook his head in displeasure causing both his parents to laugh lightly.
"Oh Sweets." Haley giggled, wrapping her arms tighter around him. "That might be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me…but you should always be nice no matter what, right?"
"Right." He nodded in affirmation, smiling proudly at his parents who once again laughed at his response. Jamie shifted in her lap, turning so he could face Nathan.
"Can we go read Go Dog Go now?"
Smiling lightly at her boy, Haley placed a kiss to the side of his cheek before blowing a raspberry there, making him shriek and giggle. "Go read with Daddy sweetheart, I'll come tell you goodnight when you're done okay?"
"No come read with us Momma!" He stood, reaching for her hand as she stood up as well, brushing across the wrinkled blue fabric of her dress with a shaky smile as she eyed first Nathan and then Jamie.
"Are you sure?" she asked, her smile growing stronger as Jamie nodded vigorously before he shot into the bedroom to get his book and get settled.
"Yeah, c'mon Hales." Nathan answered with a small smile of his own, entering the room and taking his place next to Jamie, watching her out of the corner of his eye as she walked around the bed, stretching herself out next to Jamie who handed her the book. She glanced over Jamie's head one last time, her eyes locking with Nathan's if only for a second before turning all of her attention to the book and Jamie.
"Okay," she began, clearing her throat dramatically. "Dog. Big dog. Little dog…"
Closing the book, Haley looked down and laughed at Jamie as he was slumped into his father's side, his eyes heavy with sleep as he requested her to read 'Green Eggs, and Ham'.
"That's it for tonight Jim-Jam, you're going to fall asleep sitting up in a minute buddy. You can read that one tomorrow, bed time." Nathan instructed, receiving no argument from the boy as he slid down under the covers, nuzzling his face into his pillow like he'd seen his mommy do so many times before.
"Okay." He agreed, raising his arms up from where he lay to wrap them around Haley's neck, bringing her face down to his as he brushed their noses together. "Night Momma, love you."
"Mm, I love you too my boy, sweet dreams Baby James." She whispered, pressing a long kiss to his forehead before walking around the bed and out of the room, allowing Nathan time to tell Jamie goodnight. Unable to help herself, Haley turned around half way down the hallway, lingering close to the door she'd just walked out of.
Sitting down next to Jamie, Nathan ran his large hand through the boy's hair, the color and softness reminding him of Haley's. He looked down to see Jamie peering up at him through sleepy eyes.
"I want you to stay Daddy." He whispered, his bottom lip stuck out in a pout that would give his Momma a run for her money.
"I know Bud, me too." Nathan agreed, forcing a smile to his face as he addressed the sleepy child in front of him. "But until then, you're the man, remember? What's your job?"
"To take care of mommy and make sure she smiles." From her position outside the door, Haley could hear the smile in his voice as he proudly repeated the rules of his 'job' to his Dad. Against her will, her heart warmed slightly at the fact that Nathan wanted her to be happy whether he was around or not.
"That's right, and everyday make sure you tell her you love her, that really makes mommy happy. And…and make sure she remembers that Daddy loves her too." Nathan choked through his forced smile, the catch in his voice bringing tears to Haley's eyes as she turned and made her way down the stairs, not able to handle anymore.
"I will daddy, I'll do a good job. I promise." Jamie swore, raising his fist in the air to pound it against Nathan's much larger fist.
"I know you will Jamie." Nathan returned, tucking the covers underneath the boy before running his hand through his spiky hair one more time, pressing a long kiss to his forehead just like Haley did.
"Goodnight buddy."
"Goodnight Daddy, I love you." Jamie whispered back, his eyes batting heavily as he attempted to resist the sleep that was taking over him.
"I love you too Jamie." Nathan whispered back, glancing at him one last time before walking out the door and pulling it to where only a sliver of light to shone in the room.
Walking down the stairs, Nathan ran a hand over his face, the night proving to be more taxing on his already worn out body than he imagined it to be. Reaching the bottom of the landing, he saw her figure sitting in the dining room. Elbows propped up on the table, head in her hands as she rubbed at her temples with the tips of her fingers.
"He misses you." She said quietly, never lifting her head from her hands; startling him out of his reverie as he stood there watching her.
"I uh," he stumbled, slowly making his way into the dining room, taking the vacant seat across from her. "I miss him too, a lot."
Sighing, she lifted her head from her hands, her red-rimmed eyes taking in everything around them but him.
"Look Nathan, I…I don't want to keep you from Jamie, that's not my intention at all and you know I'd never do that…to either of you." He nodded. "So maybe we can set up some kind of schedule. I mean not like a schedule like you can only see him on certain days at certain hours, I wouldn't do that either, that'd be silly. I just want some structure to it just so I know where he is, you know? I've never really done this before. Obviously because –"
"Haley!" he interjected, amusement dancing around in his eyes. "You're rambling."
"Yeah well…some things never change right?" she offered with a small smile, her heart betraying her as it sped up in her chest when she took in the way he was looking at her.
"Yeah." He agreed quietly with a soft nod. His mind took him back through the years as he sat there looking at her, knowing there was never a time where he loved anyone as much as her. Even after Jamie was born and she jokingly said he didn't love her the most anymore, he told her it was a tie. He had more love for those two people than he'd ever imagined possible.
"So," he cleared his throat, breaking the silence. "You were talking about a schedule or something like it?"
"Right," she nodded. "Maybe I'll drop him off at school in the mornings and you can pick him up after and hang out 'til I get home. That way you can see him everyday. That sound okay?"
"Yeah, sounds good." He agreed.
"What uh…what about you?" he asked quietly, eyes darting up quickly to catch her confused stare before going back down to focus on his hands that tapped nervously on the table. "Do I get to see you?"
"Nathan," she sighed, tearing her fingers through her hair. "Please don't make this any harder than it already is."
"Hales I just can't –"
"Please." She pleaded, eyes flooding with tears as she begged him to stop.
"Yeah, okay." He surrendered. "I'm sorry."
She nodded silently, standing to make her way to the door, indicating to him without words that their strained yet civil conversation was over.
"It's getting late." She supplied, opening the door as she braced herself against it, watching him stand tall out of the chair and take a few short strides to stand in front of her, his hands once again shoved in his pockets.
"Yeah well uh, thanks for letting me come over to see Jamie." He attempted a smile that felt more like a grimace.
"Nathan, you don't have to thank me for seeing Jamie, you don't even need my permission to see him. This," she said, motioning her hand between the two of them as they stood there facing each other, the few feet between them feeling like miles. "Is not going to be that. This is not about Jamie, it's not fair to him -or us- if we make it about that."
"Yeah I know, I just didn't know what to say so I said the first stupid thing that popped into my head…something's never change right?" he offered her words back to her with a small lopsided grin.
"Yeah." She answered back, the small smile she returned making his widen. He leaned into her, his face even with her's as his eyes closed and hand drifted to her hip. His eyes snapped open as he felt her body tense from under his hand, the realization of what he was about to do shocking them both. He yanked his hand away as if she'd burned him, and he flinched as she pulled further away from him.
"Haley, I'm sorry. That…man, just when we thought I couldn't be any more of a jackass huh?" he laughed uncomfortably. "I wasn't trying to…it was habit. I'm sorry. Sorry."
She nodded again, her eyes never meeting his as she widened the opening of the door. "You should go Nathan."
"Okay." He agreed, walking through the door but turning to face her as he stood on the stoop. "Love you."
Her lips turned up into a bittersweet smile. "Habit?"
He smiled too, shaking his head as his eyes found hers. "No."
"Nathan-"
"No, look Hales." He interupted, imploring her to listen to him. "This whole situation sucks, okay? And yeah, I know it's my fault for a number of reasons that, believe me, I've rehashed thousands of times over the last 6 months. So yeah, I get that I owe you a lot, and I'm trying to give that to you. You want me out of the house? I'm out. You want space, I'll give you space. But I'll be damned if I don't tell you I love you every chance I get."
"God Nathan!" she cried, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as tears poured from her eyes. "You can't say stuff like that!"
"Why not? Its true! No matter how mad or hurt or upset you are Haley, I love you, and you know that and if you don't believe me then I'm going to say it until you do!"
"It doesn't fix anything Nathan! It never fixes anything. We can't use the 'I love you' band aid anymore! It doesn't work!" she continued, her words growing louder and more desperate by the second.
"I'm not saying it fixes things baby, I'm saying it because it's true." He shrugged, raising his hand in acknowledgement before heading down the sidewalk to his car.
Shutting the door, Haley slid her body down the cool, hard surface letting herself dissolve into sobs as her body lulled against the door. She knew he loved her, she didn't know that there was a time when she'd ever doubted that, but those three words didn't magically fix anything like they did when they were sixteen. She'd wanted to return his words so badly they left a bad taste in her mouth as they sat there unsaid. Loving each other had never been the problem; the problem was it just never seemed to be enough.
For the second time that night she wiped at her face furiously as she heard the pitter-patter of little feet coming towards her, standing up to see a bleary eyed Jamie coming down the stairs; his short arms wrapping around her middle as best they could when he reached her.
"Don't be sad Momma." He pleaded, fighting through the sleep in his voice. "Daddy said I'm the man so I have to make sure you smile a lot."
Looking down at her little boy, she allowed the first true smile to grace her face in days appear, his sleepy blue eyes gazing up at her with concern, his similarities to Nathan making her breath catch. "I'm okay baby…and you always make me smile."
"Good." He said, lifting his arms up to her in a silent request that she immediately responded to, pulling him up and into her arms. "I'm sleepy."
"I bet you are sweetie, it's way past you're bed time." She responded, laying a kiss to his head when he laid it to her shoulder.
"Daddy says I have to take care of you, so I'll tuck you in Momma."
Haley couldn't help but laugh at that as her feet reached the top landing of the stairs, stopping in the middle of the hallway between the bedrooms. "Well how about this; I know you're a big boy and all, but why don't you snuggle with Momma tonight, hm? You can protect me from the clowns."
Jamie laughed at that, claiming Haley was silly before scrambling out of her arms and racing into his parent's bedroom. She smiled softly as she watch him clamber up Nathan's side of the bed, sliding between the sheets and nuzzling his face into the pillow she was certain still smelled of him. Not able to be bothered with the fact that she was still in her dress from the party earlier that evening, Haley climbed in next to Jamie, pulling his little body into hers.
"You all settled?" she asked, flipping off the lamp when he nodded lazily in her embrace. "Okay, goodnight Jamie, I love you."
"Na-night Momma. I love you too." He replied, snuggling further into her as she allowed her body to relax, her eyes falling shut before opening again as she heard him mumble.
"Momma?"
"Yeah sweetie?"
"Daddy loves you too." He whispered quietly before sleep carried him away. She allowed herself a few seconds to acknowledge the truth of his words before her eyes drifted closed as well, praying that maybe one day that would be enough.