The Battle of the Suitors: the Parts Not Seen in the Books
By: Rhiaofthewoods,Leahnna of the Storm,and Alynna of the Fire, the Insane Sisters
Note: The parts in italics are Rhia's, the underlined parts are Leahnna's, and the bold parts are Alynna's. Just so you know which ones to blame the really stupid parts on. (Leahnna, who is currently hitting me with a screwdriver)
Dedicated to: Rhia's very very ugly pot that is embellished with her real name, that none of you get to know, so her very cool alternate identity (because she is a super hero) will be protected.
And: Leahnna's invisible, 21 inch high pet pink hippo, an adorable, loving, beautiful pink hippo, named Hippo, that is not allowed to add his comments to this story, having been forbidden from the room in which we are writing it. (Rhia's room) (very, very cool room) Voice in background: Dirty!
And: Alynna's xenophobic wooden puzzle katydid that is hiding under the dictionary we found 'xenophobic' in, because it is xenophobic, which is scared of strangers, because you all are strangers, even stranger than we are, which is saying something. After all, you are the ones actually reading our brain child.
Disclaimer: Leahnna, who has recently discovered that you can stab yourself very deeply and bleed a lot and die from lead poisoning with a yellow colored pencil says: Any characters that you recognize are not ours because we are not imaginative enough to actually come up with any of our own.
And Alynna says: Fred said that George said that no one said that he was cute. Anything you recognize is taken and anything you don't is ours.
And Rhia says: This is Tamora Peirce, not Harry Potter, you dingbat!
And she adds, in her customary rant way: Disclaimers are sooo pointless! Any reader with two braincells, of which only half work, should be able to realize that this is a place to put FAN fiction! One cannot be a fan of something that one created! That would be egotistical, pretentious, pig-headed, big headed- Yeah we get the point. Shut up Rhia. Oh hush Leahnna. You know that required disclaimers are one of my MAJOR pet peeves. Shut up Rhia. Ok. One further note: Anyone wishing to keep hold of any sanity you have left Shush Rhia should stop reading Shut up Rhia immediately, because it will leave very shortly. I THINK THEY GOT THE POINT FIVE PARAGRAPHS AGO! Well, I just didn't want them to expect to be sane at the end of our story. Because you know they won't. Really Rhia, SHUT UP! Fine. I get it. You just want us to get on with the story... No, duh. DUH!
One day Alanna was walking down the aisle. She was getting married to her true love, George. Well, he wasn't really her true love, but the fortune teller said he would be. And fortune tellers are never wrong, right? Anyway, she was walking down the aisle in a wedding dress...
"I'm coming, Alanna!" Jon swung in on a Tarzan vine wearing a Tarzan loincloth. (Voice in the background: Ooooh! Nice abs!)It doesn't matter that the only thing that looks remotely like a vine is the the very same rope of human hair Jack Sparrow used to escape from the island with the sea turtles.
Leahnna (screaming at the top of her lungs) Jon, Jon, Jon of the palace! Watch out for that bride!(Jon (with right pinky toe curled delicately): Waaaaaa-aw!)
He sweeps to Alanna, swings her off her feet, and over to a white horse who just happens to be there. The horse clip- clops away, talking about everything under the face of the sun. Alanna's last understood words were "Oh, man. Not AGAIN." She was in the process of expressing her disgust of being rescued, when the horse lost a shoe. Jon had to get off and try to replace it when...
clink, clink, clink Out of the mist, a figure approached. As it neared, Jon and Alanna saw that it was Liam, wearing... A stop sign over his...front... and a caution sign over his butt. The two signs were connected by flowing pink ribbons with fake flowers attached to them. He wore a breastplate of a school crosswalk sign (you know, with the lady and a kid in a walking position). The helmet was a lion's mane with a miniature speed limit: 85 mph sign sticking out of it on a pole." Jon," Liam grunted, caveman-like. "You take my woman. You go bye-bye now."
He did a spinning kick at Jon, then stopped in midair and said, "Sorry, senshi." (Disclaimer: special thanks to Butler from Artemis Fowl for giving us the basis for this line). Liam continued kicking. Jon flew away on angel wings (temporary. He's not dead yet. DARN!). Liam whistled. A carriage made of assorted info signs (mostly restroom signs) pulled by a trillion tame trick-ants. He buckled Alanna in with a belt plastered with D.A.R.E. lion stickers. Liam snapped the reigns of the ants. "Yah."
Rhia: The circle of life! Liam did a very dramatic dance while keeping his hands on the reigns and feet in one spot. (This is Liam's theme song, but I don't know any more so just use your imagination) Da Da Da Da...
Suddenly a bunch of giraffes and other animals paraded across the road. "Ever body LOOK right!" trampletrample "Ever body-" "Shoo! Bad animals!Wrong song!"
Liam pulled a small pink hippo from under the seat.(everyone remember Hippo? That is one of his little sisters. He discovered he had family the other day.) "For my Alanna!" Liam leanes in to kiss her and...
Alanna leaned away making a cross with her fingers. "My bubble, invading, you are" George rode up on a lion. He yanked open the door and stabbed Liam in the back with one of hi many hidden knives.
Alynna: I see your fief I see mine, of Liam, the underpants, I see.
"Liam no wearing underpants" says the lion. (Aka Leahnna)
But have no fear for the underwearless Liam, because Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon was on hand to heal him with her blue sparks. Wait a minute, Lion, (aka Leahnna), what the heck are you doing looking at Liam's underwearlessness? Anyway, George pulled Alanna behind him on the Lion (peeping tom lion) as Alanna said, "Seriously, guys. I do not need to be rescued!"
George replied, "O, yes you do. You only think you don't. I was rescuing you from the insanity of the traffic sign wearing, underwearless, bride stealing Liam!"
"Dude, Liam didn't steal me. Jon did"
"That scoundrel!" (think Road to Eldorado about the rocks)
Alanna actually got to stay with George, who was not her true love. They made camp, IN SEPARATE TENTS, YOU SICKO!. In case you were wondering, the tents were made from Alanna's petticoats. She was still wearingthe wedding dress that had human hair on it from Jon's rope, was torn from Liam's trafic signs, and was covered in Lion's (peeping tom lion) hair. She needed a new outfit.
When George was asleep, and Alanna still fretting about her dress, a familiar clinking was heard. "Alanna! Have come with new outfit. Not get unless come with Liam." He struck a pose and acted like he was a demented rock star.
Rhia: The circle of life! Da Da Da...
"Come now." Liam grabbed Alanna and uncerimoniously slung her over his shoulder. (Like Shrek after he rescued whats-her-face) They appraoched Liam's "carriage" and Alanna was dumped into it. "Dress in there. Liam no watch while change. Hippo named Hippoetta." A very small, angelic, non-wrinkly pink hippo sat on the road construction- sign bench, blinking her long mascaraed eyelashes. "Hi, Hippoetta." Alanna then screamed and ran around the camp. Liam chased after her with a noisy dress made out of "Welcome to yadda yadda signs sewn together with Jon's human-hair-from-Jack Sparrow's back-rope. Alanna tripped and fell onto a pile of Stauffer's Real Cheddar Whales sncks. She ended up tearing her dress in all the wrong places. "Argh! Fine! Liam, give me the stupid dress!" She went behind the pile to change. George poked his head out of his Alanna-petticoat tent. "Shut up, people!" and went back in.
Then he realized what he had seen. The traitor, underwearless Liam! He had plans for such an occasion. Now the trick was remembering what they were... He looked around his tent in confusion and saw...Rhia's pot! Now he remembered! He picked up the pot, staggering under the immense weight, and chucked it at Liam, who was promptly rendered unconscience. The pot bounced back to George, who picked it up, said "Hm, indestuctible," and tossed it over his shoulder.
"Oweee!" The pot landed on Jon's head, where he came from, we don't know. "I can't get it off. Ummmm... Oh, I know, I'll poke eyeholes in it!" (pokes it with a fork) "Ow! Could someone help me? I stabbed my eye!" (wooden eye and fork from Pirates)(How the heck did Jon manage to get a fork through the walls of that pot! The walls are about a half inch of solid fired clay! Jon must be a lot stronger than I give him credit for!)
"Katydid. Katydid. Katydid. "
"Katy did what?"
"Katydi- ahh, stangers!" This is the katydid, you know, the xenophobic one. She promptly runs away, after somehow healing Jon.
After Jon was mysteriously healed, George ran up yelling, "Your hand at the level of your eye!" Behind him was a cloaked, masked, kinda frealy looking figure in the mist.
"Mwahahahah!" (Phantom of the Operah theme song playing) "Mwahahahahahahah!" The cape swirled away and revealed Liam in all his road-sign glory. He now had leg protectors of ... reflectors... "Hey! You two aren't supposed to be here!" George's Lion appeared with Liam's ant-pulled carriage. Ten minutes later, Jon's clueless (shoe-less) horse came. "Sorry I'm late. Had to get a new shoe" (not shoe-less anymore!) Everyone glared at each other "Hnnn" (caveman grunt)
We now must regetably leave our...heroes...at their showdown.
Note: This is what happens when one combines 3 insane sisters, a blank ntebook, colored pencils and Animal Crackers! And don't forget the Phantom of the Operah stuck in heads.
I'm not dead yet.
So?
I died of lead poisoning in the disclaimer, but I'm still alive and healthy. Well, except for my cold. Hmmm...
Anyway, we told you readers that you would probably not be sane at the end of this chapter, and if you still are, have no fear! There is more forthcoming! Hopefully. And if anyone has any ideas for us, please leave it in a review! We like challenges. If you want to see something in this story, we will put it in the next chapter we write.