Let it All Out
Let it all out,
Let it all out,
You don't have to think your heart is made of steel,
Come away now,
From your own doubts,
Like a flower of hope that is blooming in a field,
You will heal…
This had to end. It had been a few days since Christopher Pike died and Jim still wasn't talking. Not to her, not to Spock, not to Len, no one. Meredith figured that Jim needed to have his own space but he had been locking himself in his room, not letting anyone in and he hadn't been coming out. The line was drawn here. Meredith had to get through to him somehow. She offered the job to Spock, whom Jim regarded as a brother, but the Vulcan was denied. Seeing as Spock was denied entrance, Meredith decided to take matters into her own hands.
The twenty-four year old stood in front of her twenty-six year old captain's sliding door and thought through what she would say to him. What could she say to someone in mourning? It would be so difficult for Meredith to comfort Jim because she wouldn't know what to say. Oh, screw this! She shouted to herself. I'll just knock on the door and let him know I'm here!
Meredith sighed and rapped her fist against the door. She waited for a good five minutes before knocking again. Okay, this was getting difficult. She knocked twice and yet he wasn't answering. Many would ask how she knew he was there. She knew because McCoy told her that Jim hadn't moved from his room since the funeral of Pike. He had to let it all out now. It wasn't healthy to keep those feelings in.
"Jim!" she shouted, pounding on the door again. "I know you're in there, James! I can hear you breathing! Len and Spock told me you haven't been opening up to them so I'm here! Now, open the damn door before I kick it down myself! I'm not kidding, James!"
A few seconds later, she heard the sliding door chime and that signified that it was open. Meredith pressed a button on the door and the doors slid open. When she walked in, she had to stop in her steps to take in the surroundings. The place was a mess; clothes littered the floor; empty pizza boxes scattered the floor; and a few drinking glasses were broken. She felt pity rise within her and she shook her head sadly.
Oh, Jim…she thought, sighing once more.
Carefully, she navigated through the clothes and boxes and went into his bedroom. She found him lying in bed on his side, virtually ignoring her. With a loud, exasperated sigh, Meredith forced a smile and sat down on the foot of the bed. She reached out and placed her hand on his bare shoulder, waiting for him to respond.
"Hey, Jim," she said softly, "everyone's been concerned about you and I've wanted to talk to you."
"What is it, Mer?" she heard him croak after a few seconds of silence.
Meredith took that as an advantage to lie down next to him. She snuggled up next to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. It was nice to spoon up against him because his body was warm but now wasn't the time to think about that. She had a mission and she intended on finishing it.
"Jim," she whispered softly, rubbing his abdominals gently, "I stood next to you at the admiral's funeral and I noticed something."
"What?" he asked her tonelessly, enjoying the feel of her hand on his stomach.
"You haven't cried yet," she murmured gently, kissing his shoulder lovingly. "It's not a horrible thing for men to cry. Crying is a way to relieve grief and suffering. It's okay to mourn. It's okay to relieve pain, Jim."
Jim took her words the wrong way. He turned on his other side so he could face Meredith. The intensity of his blue eyes made her shiver, like they would when they slept together. She could see the fury and despair etched in his face.
"Are saying that I don't care!?" he demanded, sounding cold.
"No," replied Meredith softly, not reacting to his anger. "I'm just saying that you need to let go."
"Meredith," he said harshly, "I'm feeling more than I know how to express right now. I don't know how to express this! I can't…"
"Hey, hey, hey," she cut in, placing a gentle hand on his face, "I love you, okay? If you need time for this, I will step back and let you. Just know that if you need to let it go, I will be here to help you, okay?"
Jim placed a hand on Meredith's cheek and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, Mer," he whispered, voice choking with emotion.
"I love you too, Jim," she whispered back, wrapping her arm around his waist. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
A dim light glowed in Jim's eyes but he didn't smile. "Does that mean we're hooking up tonight?" he asked, almost hopefully. "One of the ways I like to cope with anything is with sex."
Meredith gave him a thoughtful look. "Jim, I won't have sex with you because it won't bring anything but physical pleasure," she said calmly. "There are many ways to cope with grief but I don't think sex would be the best way."
Jim let out a sigh of defeat and irritation. "Meredith, for me, sex is…"
"Not needed right now," she finished for him, stroking his stubbly cheek. "You need to talk, to let out your emotions by crying, or screaming, or something. Sex will not be necessary until we begin the healing process."
When he didn't speak, she continued, "When my father died on a mission off-planet, I coped by locking myself in my bedroom, eating donuts, crying, and screaming. Believe me, it felt good to let it all go."
Meredith felt something wet on her hand and she knew that Jim was at the breaking point. She just needed him to let go. That was the only way anyone could truly heal.
"Tell me about your fondest memories of Admiral Pike," she whispered gently, wiping his tears.
"Well," said Jim, voice breaking, "the admiral was the closest thing I had to a father. Even though he was a bit strict, he was like a father to me. He even called me 'son' a few times. I never had a father, so…" The tears were coming in streams. "He was the one who inspired me to join Starfleet. Mer, how long did it take for you to get over your father's death?" The desperation in his voice made her heart ache for him.
Meredith had to choose her words carefully. "You never get over the death of a loved one," she replied softly, rubbing his shoulder. "While the pain does lessen, it never truly leaves you. You will always feel the emptiness that the loved one left but you can remember the best memories of them. On some days it will hurt more than before, but on others, you try for honesty. But, Jim, the thing about the grief cycle is that when you think you're past it, it will start all over again. The best thing you can do is to let it come."
A groaning cry came from Jim and he wrapped his strong arms around Meredith's smaller form. "Meredith…" he sobbed, burying his face into her shoulder, "please help me…I don't know…how to cope."
She felt the shoulder of her dress getting soaked but she didn't care. As long as he was letting go, that was all that mattered. As horrible as it sounded, it was good that Jim was crying. He was letting go. He finally was relieving his pain.
"Just cry," she whispered, running her hand through his hair. "Just hold onto me. I won't let you fall. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."
The sobs that came from Jim were real, from-the-gut, heart-wrenching cries. He sounded so innocent and hurt that Meredith couldn't help but cry herself. She hated seeing Jim in so much pain and she empathized with him. When her father died, she had no one to comfort her but her mother. Now, she wanted to be the one to hold and comfort Jim. She knew he would do the same for her if the positions were reversed. She could tell he was wearing himself out by sobbing but it was good for him.
"Stay…" was all Jim said, clutching at her shirt.
"I'm not going anywhere," she repeated calmly, stroking his hair. "I'm right here."
She felt his form relax and could feel his steady breathing on her shoulder. When she looked down, she saw that Jim had worn himself out from crying. The tension was erased from his face and he was fast asleep. A soft smile found its way on Meredith's face. She moved so that her head was rested on his chest and she closed her eyes. Within five minutes, she drifted off to sleep next to him.
A/N: The song used in the beginning is "Let it Out" by Miho Fukuhara translated adrisaurus on YouTube! Remember, readers, I will not write Spirk because well, I don't do well in that genre. Writing homosexuality is just not my thing. I don't mean to be offensive but it's just hard to write gay pairings. You Spirk-lovers can write it but I need to write Spock/Uhura and Kirk/(insert female character). Please leave nice comments!