AN: I don't own Star Wars and everyone knows that. This fic kind of came out of nowhere and may or may not be inspired by my own anxiety and insomnia.
"Demons Come At Night"
By EsmeAmelia
Han knew he should get some sleep. He wasn't sure what time it was, but it had to be long past midnight – possibly even an hour or two past. The lights in his cabin were on as he sat up in bed, wearing the dark blue pajamas Ben had gotten him for his birthday shortly before . . . before . . .
No, he wasn't going to think about that. He concentrated on his datapad, where he had been browsing various holorecordings of people's pets on the HoloNet, though he was getting a bit tired of that. Still, it was a distraction that meant he could delay actually turning the lights off and trying to sleep for a while.
Several minutes later, he was playing a simple shooting game on a HoloNet site. It just involved moving around and shooting at various creatures, but it was strangely relaxing.
After all, no one ever died for real in these games.
Ben used to love hologames . . .
No, no, don't think about that.
Han's eyes were getting sore, maybe from the game or maybe just from sleepiness. He really should go to bed, he really should, though the thought of lying alone in darkness made his nerves jump. They jumped every night right now.
Finally he turned the datapad off and put it away, then with a deep breath, he turned off the lights and lay down.
He closed his eyes, letting his head sink into the pillow, but it was mere seconds before the silent little voices came.
"Your child is gone . . ."
He ground his teeth. No, ignore it, just go to sleep.
"Your child is gone . . ."
No, go to sleep, ignore the stupid voice.
And ignore the memory of Ben's little face . . .
"Your child is gone . . . because of you . . ."
No! Not listening!
"You weren't there for him enough, you weren't the father he needed you to be . . ."
"I tried!" he feebly tried to fight back, but that was a mistake – it only made the voices louder.
"He needed someone to look up to, not a worthless low-life like you . . ."
Han quickly rolled over, pressing his ear into the pillow as if that would block out the voice.
"Leia will kill him . . ."
No, no, she wouldn't, she couldn't . . .
"And Leia, what a disappointment you are to her. The big coward who refused to fight in her Resistance just because you were afraid of killing the son you already destroyed."
"No . . ." he actually whispered out loud.
"You deserted her . . ."
His thoughts feebly tried to fight back again. "She wanted me to leave. I remind her too much of Ben."
"Because you FAILED Ben. Then you failed her as well."
Han's breath was nearing hyperventilation as he rolled to his side, his eyes opening to the endless darkness.
"Failure . . ."
Leia used to joke about what a sound sleeper Han was. What would she say if she could see him now?
"Failure . . ."
Of course if she were here he could just roll over and hold on to her. Now he didn't even have that.
"Failure . . ."
Sedatives didn't work, warm blue milk didn't work, soothing flower scents didn't work, nothing worked. Would these voices stay in his head forever?
"Failure . . . failure . . . FAILURE . . ."
His eyes closed again as he rolled back to his side, pulling the blanket over his head like a child scared of the dark.
"FAILURE!"
The voices screamed over and over, forcing the memories of when they lost Ben into his head, shaking his body, making his mind beg for sweet oblivion, but it didn't come for hours.
. . .
A knock on the door and a Wookiee call on the other side. [Han, are you ever getting up?]
Han gave a long, loud groan, feeling glued to the bed, his mind foggy.
[Han, just so you know, it's noon.]
Noon? His half-conscious mind registered that he had slept very late, but then it remembered what it had gone through the night before. "Kay, Chewie," he mumbled in a raspy voice, "I'll get up."
He thought he heard a good natured remark of "lazy" from the Wookiee, but he wasn't awake enough to react to it. The voices were gone now, but that couldn't comfort him.
He knew they would return again tonight.
THE END