Disclaimer: I do not own any portion of The Big Bang Theory or its characters. Chuck Lorre and Warner Bros have that honor. I do love me some Shamy, though, and can't help when they just won't leave my head, so I write.
Author's Note: Hopefully you can follow the format of this little tale. Each of the character's "visions" they describe are presented in italics, and surrounded by section markers, set into whatever is happening in "real" time of the conversation. You'll see what I mean.
February 2017 - Leonard & Penny's apartment
"Don't worry, Honey, I've got her," Howard said, rising from the chair and crossing the room to lift his newly-awakened daughter from her car seat. Bernie smiled at him, watching Howard do a little swaying dance while murmuring to the child, calming her almost instantly.
Amy surveyed the scene, taking in the warmth of Bernadette's gaze and Howard's capable caretaking. "Wow, Howard, I hope Sheldon takes to parenting as quickly as you have when we have children some day," she, too, smiled at her friend.
From her seat in the white chair Penny snorted, then coughed, wine nearly coming out of her nose as she struggled to regain her composure. Amy looked at her, briefly alarmed. "Are you ok, Penny?"
"I'm...**hack** fine...**cough** I'll be fine," she choked out between gasps. "I just...wow...I never imagined Sheldon being a father!" She finally replied with wide eyes.
Bernadette, who had been rummaging in the diaper bag, snapped her head up at that moment. "Oh my god, what would that even be like?" she mused, her nose crinkled as if she had smelled something unpleasant.
"Oh, I'll tell you what it would be like" Penny said, having recovered her voice and leaning forward in her chair as she described her vision:
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Sheldon sat on the floor in the middle of an untidy living room, wearing his conductor hat and overalls. He reached his hand out and adjusted a train engine before lifting the remote control and shouting "All aboard!" then blowing a wooden train whistle as the locomotive began to move. At that moment a little boy of about 10 months quickly crawled across the room and grabbed the engine in his tiny fist, pulling it off the track. "My engine!" Sheldon shrieked, seizing it back immediately. The little boy plopped down on his bottom and began to wail loudly, large tears running down his chubby cheeks.
"Aaaaaaaamy! The little one is crying!" Sheldon called, returning his train to the track and casting the child a look that was equal parts terrified and annoyed. "And it smells funny!" he added.
A 4 year old little girl ran into the room from the kitchen and went straight to the crying infant. "Georgie, don't cry! It's ok," she bent and tried to lift the boy, causing the sippy cup she was holding to slip from her grasp. When it hit the ground the lid popped off, flooding the train tracks with milk. Sheldon nearly screamed in exasperation.
"Aaaaammmyy! The girl one spilled milk all over my trains! Aaaaaaammmmmyyyyyy!"
At this last shout Amy appeared around the corner, looking disheveled and exhausted, large circles under her eyes, holding an iron trailing the cord behind her and wearing an alarmed face. "What's wrong? Is someone hurt?"
"Yes, my EMD SD90MAC engine may never be the same!" Sheldon exclaimed, lifting the dripping toy and glaring at it in dismay. Then noticing Amy standing there iron in hand he asked "Oh good, did you manage to iron that crease out of my Star Wars sheets so it doesn't bother my toes again tonight? Once you put them back on the bed you can drive me to the train store for a new engine."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Don't be ridiculous, Penny," Amy rolled her eyes at her bestie. She was about to defend her boyfriend, but was quickly cut off by Howard.
"No, no, no," Howard said firmly. "It would be nothing like that."
"Thank you, Howard," Amy began, only to be interrupted again.
"Sheldon could never live in that kind of chaos," he continued. "He's the control freak that all other control freaks tell to lighten up! I'll tell you what it would be like..."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"7:30 call time!" Sheldon shouted from his spot in the kitchen.
Down the hallway came several children ranging in age from five to ten years. They were talking amongst themselve, the youngest two, who were clearly twins, shoving each other back and forth as they entered the room.
At their arrival Sheldon blew the whistle he had clenched between his lips and they quickly formed themselves into a precision line and stood at near-military attention.
"Good morning children," Sheldon said, looking down at the checklist he held in his hand.
"Good morning, Father," the voices echoed in unison.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Wait a minute," Raj said doubtfully, inclining his head toward Howard. "Is this the story of Sheldon as a father, or a rewrite of The Sound of Music?"
"Ha! Hardly!" Howard shook his head. "There is no singing in this story. In fact..."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"There is no singing!" Sheldon shouted at the line of children.
"No one was singing," replied the oldest boy, bemused.
"That's right, and don't you forget it, " Sheldon replied seriously, before his eyebrows raised and he suddently looked alarmed. "Where is your mother?" When none of the children replied he shouted "Amy!" Just then Amy hurried into the room holding a clipboard in one hand, a stopwatch and pen in the other. "It is 7:35, that means it is morning checklist time," he admonished.
"Yes, Sheldon," she nodded, pocketing the timer and holding the pen over the paper expectantly.
"Let's start with your tasks. Breakfast completed and dishes washed, dried and put away?"
"Check."
"Children bathed, dressed, and backpacks packed?"
"Check," this time from both Amy and the children.
"Lunches packed, homework checked and school paperwork completed?"
"Check," from all assembled.
"Ok people, school starts in 42 minutes and we are due at work in 59 minutes. We have precisely 3 minutes to make it downstairs and into the car. Let's move, move, move!"
The children, led by Sheldon, began a ludicrous goosestepping march towards the door, where Amy doled out a lunch sack and backpack to each in turn.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
At end of Howard's description everyone except Amy dissolved in laughter as Leonard entered.
"What are you guys doing?' he asked, smiling at the jovial group.
"Trying to imagine Sheldon as a father," Raj replied between chortles.
"Oh my God!" Leonard looked at Amy in shock. "Are you pregnant?"
Amy rolled her eyes at him before replying "No! I just mentioned something about when Sheldon and I have our own children and everyone thought it was hilarious to talk about how terrible they thought that would be." She rounded on the group, "And you're all being really unfair. I think Sheldon could be a great father," she stated defiantly, crossing her arms and staring them down.
"It's certainly possible," Leonard agreed. Amy began to smile at him before he continued, "as long as by great you mean great at creating an army of people just like him. He HAS always wanted to create a race of superior human overlords" he mused. "I just hope you can handle it Amy. I can see it now..."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Mo-THER, you took 2 minutes too long in the bathroom this morning. How am I supposed to prepare for my day in this kind of chaos?" a pre-teen girl admonished Amy as she came into the kitchen.
"Now our whole morning schedule is off and I'm going to be late for school, which could put my entire academic career in jeopardy." a 7 year-old boy lamented from one of the kitchen stools.
"No one's academic career is in jeopardy and you have plenty of time to get ready, Grace," Amy sighed with a forced smile. She crossed to the toaster and put in two slices, turning to take the butter out of the fridge.
"So," Amy began brightly "I thought you guys might want to think of a fun movie to watch with your father tonight. I'm going to go over to Aunt Penny's house."
"No way!" shouted the girl.
"Excuse me?" Amy stared at her.
"Tonight is comic book store night and you need to drive us," she declared.
"Aunt Penny is painting the nursery tonight for the new baby and I'm going to go help her since Uncle Leonard is still on his research trip for another week and the baby is due in just a month," Amy answered by way of explanation, removing the finished toast and plating them up for her youngest two children.
"Tonight is Wednesday," her daughter went on, undeterred. "Wednesday night is Thai food and comic book store night. I fail to see how the condition of Aunt Penny's uterus has any bearing on that schedule. It's not our fault they failed to plan their coital activities in sync with Uncle Leonard's work schedule."
"Grace Mary Cooper!" Amy exclaimed, "We do NOT comment on our friends' lives like that. Go pack up your backpack, NOW." She shook her head in disbelief, only made worse as she heard the 11 year-old mutter "Must be that time of the month..." as she made her way down the hall toward her room.
She was pulled out of her reverie by the exasperated voice of the worried academic at the counter. "Oh no...the Darth Vader on my toast is off center. There is no logical side from which to begin eating it." He shook his head sadly, pushed his plate away and climbed off the stool.
Amy sighed again, walking across to her desk to retrieve her phone from it's charger when she was brought up short by the voice of their youngest.
"Ew, Mrs. Cooper!" chimed in the 3 year-old still seated at the island. "My toast is 2 shades too dark! I can't eat this!" he declared, grabbing the plate and tipping it into the garbage can before he, too, disappeared down the hall.
Amy slumped against her desk, head in her hands as her husband strolled into the room, oblivious to all the commotion. "Amy, are you ill?" He finally asked, noticing her massaging her temples.
"I'll tell you what's wrong, Sheldon! Grace yelled at me for taking 2 minutes too long in the bathroom before declaring I have no choice but to drive you all to the comic book store tonight and making socially inappropriate comments about my best friend, Albert wouldn't eat his toast because the robot guy was crooked and Richard still refuses to call me Mom," she blurted out exasperated and near tears.
"Oh Amy," Sheldon began, drawing up close to her. She opened her eyes and stared up at him hopefully. "Don't you remember I put a new miniature level next to the toaster so you can ensure the slices are in the optimum position? And did you lose your pocket timer again? Here, take mine, I'll get a new one out of my nightstand drawer." He pressed it into her hand and leaned in to her to speak quietly into her ear. "And don't think I didn't notice that the reason your shower was too long was because you were singing in there this morning. You know the rules, Little Lady. That's another strike for you." He turned from her and started down the hallway, calling back over his shoulder. "Be ready to leave in 5 mins, you know it takes you over an hour to get us all dropped off in the right places and you don't want to be late for work, especially since it IS comic book store night and you need to leave work early to drive to the Thai place first."
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
February 2023 - Sheldon and Amy's house
"Why have I never heard about this conversation before?" Sheldon looked around the room with surprise.
No one said anything. Now that they heard it recited back to them by an annoyed Amy, their stories did sound a little mean.
"Well, it was while you were away at a convention, and the conversation wasn't exactly complimentary to you, so I didn't want to upset you," Amy replied with a shrug. The truth was tonight when Raj brought up this discussion that had occurred 6 years ago with a casual "Hey, remember that night we talked about what a terrible father we thought Sheldon would be?" Amy had wanted to sink into the couch cushion and disappear.
The conversation had actually been quite upsetting for her at the time, and she had spent the whole next day replaying it in her mind and wondering if they all were right. Sheldon had changed so much since they had met; they both had. Was it too much to think that parenthood was another challenge they could tackle together? Was she, in fact, being naive? In retrospect, she was ashamed that she had let the topic get to her as much as it had. As it so happened, Sheldon himself, unprompted, had brought up the subject of children shortly thereafter and she had learned that he very much wanted them to procreate. But, he harbored some concerns that he might, in fact, exhibit some of the behaviors their friends had suggested. Hearing him discuss his fears so honestly had soothed her worried heart and together they had spent hours over several months talking through it all and come out on the other side both committed to the idea of starting a family, with faith in their ability to handle it, together. In light of all this, she had never wanted to tell him anything their friends had said that night.
And then tonight Raj had had to open his big mouth and so Amy had recounted the story, figuring it was better for her to recite it as it happened, rather than risking their friends laughing hysterically once again as they told their tales.
But Sheldon seemed to have taken in all in stride, merely rolling his eyes or snorting at the recitation of the life their friends had predicted for their family. When Amy had finished her explanation he looked at her pointedly, knowing what must have been going through her head.
"Not exactly complimentary may be the understatement of the century," Sheldon scoffed, giving each of their friends a piercing gaze.
"Oh come on Sheldon, we were just joking around," Raj reasoned.
"Like you never said anything mean about me? Or any of us?" Howard agreed.
"Um, yeah, like the first Thanksgiving Leonard and I were married, when you said you believed we would still be able to be friends after we divorced?" Penny reminded him.
"Yeah, plus it was a long time ago," Bernadette chimed in.
"Very well," Sheldon finally relented. "However, I'll have you know I'm not done considering the possibility of giving each of you a post-facto strike on the basis of what I've heard tonight."
Amy smiled at him, hardly believing her luck that this man was hers. Indeed, sitting here on her couch next to her husband, who was cradling their infant son with tenderness and no trace of the alarm, discomfort, hysteria, or indifference predicted by their friends, Amy felt that she had definitely had the last laugh. The baby made a small grunting noise and turned his head away from the nearly empty bottle and Amy reached her arms out, offering to take him. But Sheldon slipped the rag up over his shoulder like a pro, and shifted the boy up to burp him with ease. So instead Amy turned to the young girl turning pirouettes behind the couch with her arms over her head.
"Ok sweetheart, time for bed, say goodnight to everyone and let's go get your jammies on."
"No!" came the quick reply.
"What did you say to your mother, Marie?" Sheldon turned in his seat on the couch, quirking at eyebrow at his angry little girl.
"I said no! I want Daddy to put me to bed!"
Amy tried again, reaching for the 4 year old, "Marie, Daddy is busy with Baby Isaac, I can put you to bed."
"No! Daaaaaddyyyyy!" Marie howled, ducking Amy's arms and running to her father, who had just passed the baby and his bottle off to Uncle Leonard so he could deal with the pre-schooler.
"Marie Amelia Cooper," he began sternly as she clambered onto his lap, "you know the familial expectation that you always treat us respectfully and do as you are told. Correct?"
"Yes, Daddy." She looked appropriately remorseful and bit her lower lip uncertainly, unconsciously doing an excellent impression of her father.
"What do you have to say for yourself, young lady?" Sheldon queried.
"I'm sorry, Daddy, but I MISS you," she stated, her little voice full of exasperation.
"What do you mean, 'you miss me?' I've been right here with you all evening," Sheldon answered in confusion.
"You're with Baby Isaac ALL the time, you never put me to bed anymore, or play tea party with me. You and Mama always say 'it is important to let the special people in our lives know we care about them.' Putting me to bed would let me know I'm special to you." She looked him right in the eye as she spoke, her expression daring him to contradict her, reminding him powerfully of Amy when she was attempting to make him see things her way.
Sheldon considered her words. Of course it was not the case that he spent all his time with his young son, or that he did not engage in activities with his daughter. Just this afternoon she had accompanied him to the grocery store, and afterwards they had driven to the library to let her pick out the week's books. They had passed a wonderful hour collecting books on her current obsession, butterflies, while he pointed out the scientific inaccuracies or gross oversimplifications he found in many of them. But, it was indeed true that he had taken to doing the bedtime routine with the infant most evenings. Amy had had to have a c-section, and when they first came home from the hospital 8 weeks ago he had, out of necessity, taken on a great many tasks for the new arrival, encouraging Amy to rest and heal as much as possible. He had done the same for Marie when she was born, but of course she wouldn't remember that. Her statement about letting people know they are special was true as well. After they had nearly lost Sheldon's mother the prior year when she had a heart attack, he had realized just how seldom he had told Mary how much he appreciated his childhood, which she had tried to make as "normal" as possible for a boy like Sheldon, or at least much happier than, say, Leonard's had been. Since that time they had regularly reminded Marie to treat the special people in her life, like her "cousins" in the Hofstaeder and Wolowitz families, with love and appreciation. It also bolstered their efforts to make sure she was playing nicely with others, as Marie was a highly-intelligent little girl who enjoyed being in control.
Sheldon stared into his daugher's blue eyes (his eyes) for a moment longer before he decided something. "Alright, Marie, I congratulate you on your argument which was both well-reasoned and entirely lacking in fallacy. The emotional appeal was perhaps a bit heavy-handed, and I think we both know that the assertion that I spend ALL my time with Baby Isaac is grossly hyperbolic, but on the whole your logic was sound." The wide-eyed little girl smiled proudly back at him. "However, in the future we will expect you to refrain from such outbursts and defiance. If you would like to talk to us you may do so in a rational manner. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Daddy." Her eyes dropped to the floor.
He lifted her chin to meet his eyes once again. "Now go apologize to your mother, and then I will put you to bed."
"Really?" Marie's face lit up. "Can we have a tea party, too?" She queried, jumping quickly off his lap and scampering over to Amy.
"Very well," Sheldon confirmed, rising and crossing over to the apartment where he filled the kettle and set it to boil.
"What are you doing, Daddy?" Marie came over to join him.
"Making us tea, of course," he replied, picking her up and lifting her up to the cabinet. "Would you like to grab the teabox?"
"REAL tea?" Marie exclaimed, in awe. "Like you and Mama have?!"
"Yes," Sheldon confirmed, setting her on the island and placing two mugs next to her. "However, given the late hour I'm afraid your only choice is SleepyTime tea. It's the one with the bear on the package. Can you find us two please?" He asked and she immediately began to leaf through the box, pulling out two packets triumphantly.
"Mama! Mama! I get to have tea with Daddy!" She called, waving them over her head.
"I heard, sweetheart. That's very special isn't it"? Amy came over and kissed her head, smiling up at Sheldon.
The tea prepared, Marie ran around the room hugging her various "aunts and uncles" goodnight as Sheldon waited for her by the hallway, carrying their tray of drinks. As she reached him they turned to go, but he paused looking back at them.
"No matter the ludicrous futures you previously envisioned I trust you all now acknowledge that, as with so many other areas of life, I excel at parenting and am an exemplary father." He didn't wait for an answer, but followed the little girl around the corner and disappeared.
The friends looked at each other a little guiltily, but no one contradicted him. After all, it was clear that his argument was well-reasoned and entirely lacking in fallacy.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed my little story and that the structure helped the story make sense. Whether season 10 is the last or now the show can't go on forever, but I sure wish we could see out Family!Shamy dreams come true! I would love it if you would take a sec and let me know what you thought...reviews make me happy!
A/N 2: Oh, and for those of you following my Forbeanance Vexation story, I promise I really will come back to it sometime soon! Life has, as they say, gotten in the way, but this story wouldn't leave me alone and broke through to find it's way into the world nonetheless!