Narrator: Perhaps you were wondering if Naomi Misora happened to be a badass, since she was wearing all that leather.
Narrator: To which I must reply, yes.
Narrator: Yes, she has a fucking motorcycle.
Narrator: Badass people wear leather.
L: YOOOO hope u don't mind destroying ur computer after taking up my job offering :)
Naomi: what
L: lol just so u know it's the LA case ;)
Naomi: hold on you're just hiring me do you not know what happened to me-
L: nope
Naomi: You don't?
L: i just saw u weren't working and that was convenient for me ^.^ why, is there something i should know about?
Naomi: uh...
Naomi: I've never heard of this case.
L: whaaat? u've never heard of the wara ningyo murder?
Naomi: excuse me, what? i can't keep record of ALL the shit that goes down in LA
L: lol i can
Naomi: ...
Naomi: why should i work with you again?
L: do iiiiit
L: all the cool kids would :)
Naomi: okay, i'm at the crime scene...
Naomi: wonder if he left anything under the bed
Naomi: uh
Naomi: man, i hate my life
L: lol that's nice
Naomi: ugh
Naomi: maybe he hid a clue under the bed?
L: meh
L: he did leave a puzzle for the police that nobody could solve though
L: well, technically someone DID solve it...
Naomi: oh rly
L: i did :)
Naomi: ...
L: so yeah just go back to your biz i'll be waiting
Naomi: okay
Naomi: maybe he left something under the bed
Naomi: (checks under bed)
Eye-Bag Man: hi
Naomi: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
Naomi: what the fuck
Eye-Bag Man: hi, here's my card.
Naomi: rue ryuzaki...so you're a private detective
Ryuzaki: mmm nah "private" sounds so narcissistic just call me unprivate
Naomi: ...
Naomi: so you're not licensed
Ryuzaki: well hbu then
Naomi: uh i'm a detective too
Naomi: ...
Naomi: you can have your card back
Ryuzaki: want some jam
Naomi: sure I like jam
"after this you won't"
Naomi: say, where's the bread-
Ryuzaki: (scooping out jam with hands and licking) huh?
Naomi: O.O
Ryuzaki: what
Naomi: Do you think you're frickin Winnie the Pooh or something
Naomi: Hahahaha omg so great meeting you uh I gotta go
Ryuzaki: Aw, why?
Naomi: Imma go fix my makeup bye
(in bathroom)
Naomi: OMG I just met the biggest creepy weirdo of them all today-
L: Was he cool?
Naomi: ?
L: cmon tell me
Naomi: NO! He should be locked away I'm surprised he even is alive omg what a dangerous person augh those eye bags are not a good look like I can't even-
L: ...
Ryuzaki: Hiiii
Naomi: WHY ARE U HERE
Ryuzaki: :( u didn't flush
Naomi: WHAT
Ryuzaki: so are u going to, misora-san?
Naomi: I NEED NOT ANSWER THAT
Ryuzaki: oh come on, you'd want me to do that too, right? stay sanitary for gender equality :)
Naomi: wtf
Narrator: yeah so like um the top three detectives in the world are all L, he battled them and won and got to use their names, buuut that's a story for another time
"Are you kidding me Mello write that down I will read that so hard"
Ryuzaki: (on all fours) cmon Misora join me~
Naomi: (speechless with disgust)
Ryuzaki: what
Naomi: Uh...I have a clue...
Ryuzaki: Really?
Naomi: Yes umm...oh god you're coming this way...ok ur not gonna turn around, just crawl towards me butt-first..that's cool...i'm going to have nightmares from this, just so you know...
Ryuzaki: oh yeah and btw I looove this shoujo manga for children
Naomi: ...
Ryuzaki: Holy up!
Naomi: I can wait in the other room if you need some time to yourself, you know.
Ryuzaki: nonono it's an important clue
Naomi: oh rly
Ryuzaki: two volumes are missing!
Naomi: (deep breath) how do u know he just didn't wanna read them
Ryuzaki: INCONCEIVABLE NO ONE WOULD DARE MISS A SINGLE PAGE FROM THIS GROUNDBREAKING SERIES I WOULD KNOW I WOULD CITE THIS AS ABSOLUTE TRUTH IN COURT
Naomi: okaaaaaaaay but what if he just lent them-
Ryuzaki: LEND A SINGLE VOLUME OF AKAZUKIN CHAHA? NO WAY JOSÉ NOT EVEN YOUR PARENTS DESERVE SUCH A TREASURE BESIDES WHAT LOSER WOULD ONLY READ TWO VOLUMES I'D BET MY JAM ON IT
Naomi: so like, 5 USD...
Naomi: so maybe he tried to replace the volumes with a book that had the same amount of pages combined-
Ryuzaki: u mean 192 + 184
Naomi: ...I guess it's this book then.
Ryuzaki: (holds out hand)
Naomi: Is that supposed to mean a handshake shit uh I don't do handshakes you see at least not with jammy hands um not to offend you but really-
Ryuzaki: i want the book
Naomi: oh
"OH MY GOD A REFERENCE TO NATSUHIKO KYOGOKU YESSSSS I LOVE THE KYOGOKUDOU MANGAS THEY'RE REALLY DISTURBING SOMETIMES BUT YAAAAAAAY LIGHT NOVEL AUTHOR CROSSOVER WELL NOT THAT HIS NOVELS ARE REALLY LIGHT I MEAN THEY ARE CALLED BRICK BOOKS BUT YAAYY"
Narrator: And God said, let there be L-
"Okay I know he's like your childhood idol and life goal Mello but cmon chill a bit I know he's smart but still"
Naomi: (survives attack by masked thug and performs series of highly complex capoeira moves) Lemme just sit here and brush my hair cause honestly those nightmares of Ryuzaki were more terrifying.
Naomi: phew now that that is over I can get back to-
Ryuzaki: (staring into a drawer of preteen underwear)
Naomi: ...
Naomi: fml
Naomi: so what would you do if you wanted to lock a room from the outside
Ryuzaki: use a key
Naomi: no, I mean, if you lost the key
Ryuzaki: why, use a spare key
Naomi: oh my g- well what if you lost the spare
Ryuzaki: well then just don't lock it
Naomi: ...trying to determine if you're smart enough to be the killer...
Ryuzaki: coffee?
Naomi: sure I like coffee
Ryuzaki: here u go~
Ryuzaki: what's wrong misora?
Ryuzaki: noo don't spit it out you'll ruin your beautiful image :(
Naomi: THIS IS FAR TOO SWEET OH MY GOD ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH SUGAR
Narrator: And then Ryuzaki sulked. And it was not like, cute or anything, not cute at all-
"Mello you are lying through your teeth you are 100% digging it aren't you"
"Don't worry. I'm a top."
"A top?"
"An aggressive top," Ryuzaki said. "I have never once been submissive. One of the few things I can boast about. I have never even been submissive to a traffic signal."
"You really should."
"Never." Adamant.
just so u know he's a seme ok he ain't playing uke for anyone especially not u L
also
don't get in his car
not even if he offers u candy
Naomi: so then what do they all have in common
Ryuzaki: they're all dead
Naomi: grrrrrrr
Ryuzaki: u should try sitting like this. it'll make u more intelligent.
Naomi: i really don't want to become like you
Naomi: (tries it anyway)
Naomi: shit it worked
Naomi: i regret my life
Narrator: and so it was because of this crucial information that Ryuzaki needed to do all that
"yes but did he really have to check out the panty drawer"
Narrator: anyway Kira is a dirty little cheater for killing people and having it easy with his stupid little flashy notebook-
"wow Mello way to not be hung up over it"
BB: And now I shall plan my murder laugh.
BB: ho ho ho
BB: nah that's trademarked
L: so uh nice job avoiding the attacker
Naomi: aw shucks that was nothing i'm trained
L: oh really?
L: in what?
Naomi: capoeira
L: really
Naomi: yup. i used to do street dancing in college.
L: ...
Naomi: fun stuff
L: well thanks for the hot tip i might try that out some time
"oh my god watari i know u want to keep the world from being L-less but please knockoff genius children are dangerous to cultivate"
BB: henh henh henh zo zo zo
"wtf BB since when was regular ol' "kyahaha" not good enough"
Naomi: so the murderer is B
Ryuzaki: oh rly
Naomi: yeah
Ryuzaki: and why is that
Naomi: uh
Naomi: cuz L said so
Naomi: well, actually, I can't say that to you...
Naomi: um, he likes the letter B, that's why
Ryuzaki: well that's a flimsy assumption
Naomi: yeah...
Ryuzaki: that said I do agree he is B
Naomi: oh?
Ryuzaki: probably
Naomi: oh
Ryuzak: like 99% chance
Ryuzaki: anyway hi i'm a corpse
Naomi: if you didn't already give me nightmares i'd say you scared me, but honestly what-
Ryuzaki: i'm a corpse
Naomi: yeah haha we all are inside aren't we i mean i am but like cmon no reason to-
Ryuzaki: i am dead to this world and cannot answer your questions
Naomi: Um...
Naomi: OMG
Naomi: I figured it out!
Naomi: gangway
Naomi: (steps on body)
Corpse Ryuzaki: GAH!
Naomi: oh whoopsies how clumsy i am hahaha
Ryuzaki: rly
Naomi: lol no regrets creepo
Ryuzaki: well, Misora, could you do something for me~?
Naomi: uh sure. i mean, i guess, i did step on you-
Ryuzaki: be dead
Naomi: ...
Ryuzaki: like i was! pretending to be a cadaver :)
Naomi: uh...
Naomi: maybe i should introduce a foreign concept called self-respect to you...
Naomi: but i don't want to appear tsundere
"What the fuck narrator did you just associate Death Note with tsunderes"
Narrator: so um, i guess B just has the shinigami eyes cuz some shinigami just dropped their eyes.
"what"
Narrator: u know, like how they drop their notebooks
"Mello that is not the point IN WHAT WORLD IS NOTEBOOK-DROPPING ON THE SAME LEVEL AS "OH WHOOPS I LOST MY FUCKING ORBS""
L: I fight for justice
Naomi: really
"L, you are a dirty liar."
Naomi: Oh my Light Yagami
Naomi: shit
Naom: fuck
Naomi: AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH
Naomi: WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO
Door: No.
Naomi: SAILOR V KICK!
Door: No.
Naomi: NOOOO
Naomi: oh right I have a gun
Naomi: SUPER LOCK SHOT!
woman: did something happen?
Naomi: well if you didn't smell the fire, hear the gunshot or me screaming down the stairs, then i guess i'll just answer "FBI" and go home
Narrator: and so Misora was a pawn to both men
"Um...I know I'm biased, but technically L hasn't really done anything other than figure out the date of the murders, plus she defeated Beyond Birthday."
Narrator: And Beyond just happened to find a hotel with these convenient conditions
"No fucking way man this bastard can't be that lucky"
Narrator: Misora could find out his real name quite easily, no need to consult L's resources
"YOU SAID THAT L DOESN'T KNOW BB'S NAME. SO WHY WOULD MISORA BE ABLE TO JUST FIND IT USING FBI RESOURCES WHEN L. DOESN'T. KNOW. HIS EVIL DOPPELGANGER'S NAME. WHO STAYED AT HIS ADOPTIVE FATHER'S ORPHANAGE. LIKE WOW L."
Narrator: And they would never know, that although he was Beyond Birthday, he was the same B from Wammy's House...
"I still don't understand how you go from Quilish Wammy to Watari. BUT OMG WATARI HAVE YOU NEVER THOUGHT OF ASKING THIS KID WHAT HIS LEGAL NAME WAS OR WERE YOU REALLY THAT KEEN ON RAISING NAMELESS L-CLONES."
Narrator: And L would never guess that Beyond was B.
"NO OBVIOUS CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO NOPE NOT EVEN THE WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE COULD CONNECT THE DOTS"
"L would lose. B would win.
B was the top, and L was the bottom-L would grovel at B's feet. The copy would surpass the original."
...
look i was joking about the seme thing
but gee you are not being obviously yaoi at allll
Narrator: But it appeared...B lost because he severely underestimated Misora.
"Aw yeah my girl Misora Massacre"
Narrator: she probably coulda solved it without him
"see y'all this is why women-"
Narrator: well maybe he coulda won if she didnt figure out the last part with the lock. u don't know.
"...Mello don't make me take away your chocolate."
Naomi: And that's how I figured out he was the killer. The only people who know about my mad capoeira skillz are L, and the killer who attacked me.
Naomi: And there's no way L could be Ryuzaki.
Naomi: Such a unique kind of creepy weirdness cannot possibly be replicated.
Naomi: ...Right?
Narrator: So really, we don't know how much L figured out. Maybe he knew everything and just left Misora for the shits and giggles.
"L if that is true you are a major asshole."
Narrator: Or maybe she was truly the most capable and helpful person in the whole case.
"That sounds better."
Narrator: Well uh let's not tarnish L's name.
"Mello, I think it's safe to say L has enough credit...no need to worry about women unfairly taking attention away from him."
Narrator: And so B lost to Misora.
Narrator: I mean, to L.
"MELLO."
Narrator: So yeah. Poor B. He lost to a woman, and to L. He must be feeling terrible. Poor, poor predecessor.
"Mello the guy brutally murdered a thirteen year old girl to suit his whims...u don't need to feel that bad."
Narrator: Accept my condolences.
Naomi: Well, glad that's over.
Naomi: Bills are paid, boyfriend and coworkers impressed, life can finally go back to normal.
Naomi: ...Wait.
Eye-Bag Man: hi
Naomi: NOT LIKING THESE VIBES
Eye-Bag Man: Come here I want a hug :D
Naomi: HELL NO STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER
Eye-Bag Man: HUG NO JUTSU
Naomi: MISORA KIIIIIIIICK
Eye-Bag Man: (falls down subway and lands in undignified heap at the bottom of the stairs)
Eye-Bag Man: YouTube has lied to me about the real world.
Naomi: ...
Naomi: ...you don't get out much, do you.
Eye-Bag Man: well, thank you for helping me up :) i had best be on my way-
Naomi: wuh wuh wait you can't just hug random women and leave
Eye-Bag Man: goodbyeee :)
Naomi: NOT EVEN IF YOU SMILE LIKE AN ADORABLE PANDA U ARE NOT GETTING AWAY
Naomi: who even are u
Eye-Bag: the coolest man in the world ;)
Naomi: ...
Eye-Bag Man: i sometimes go by ryuzaki for short
(A few years later)
Light: If only I could find someone with a connection to L...someone who could find out his real name...someone willing to work with me against him...
Light: Huh, Beyond Birthday. What a dorky name.
Light: ...I like dorky names.
Light: It's n-not as if I want to kill him or anything!