A forever within the numbered days
A Fault in Our Stars Fanfiction
Chapter 1
Augustus and I were sitting alone in a dark hotel room in Amsterdam. "I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labour has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."
I woke with a start. My room was pitch black, the only noise the incessant beeping of my BiPAP machine. It had been a few months since our trip to Amsterdam, and only weeks since his funeral. Augustus. Memories from our little infinity will never stop haunting me. I wonder where he is now. Is he with angels in some improbable dimension, casually discussing the physics of why they don't fall through the clouds and the endless metaphorical resonances of death? Or is he lost in oblivion? It was his worst fear and yet I know all too well how God. Does. Not. Care.
I slowly untangle myself from the wires which prolonged my life, and pain for just a little longer. Time he would never have. And I suppose I should be grateful, but I miss our long chats about what it means to be alive, really alive and our hopes and dreams we both knew we would never achieve.
Then I reach over to Phillip and sort out my cannula before my lungs catch fire. While waiting for my computer to slowly come to life, I overhear Mum and Dad talking in the other room. Dad starts crying. I hope when I'm gone that they won't be too scarred but I am a grenade and there is nothing I can do to prevent my impending doom and the destruction I'll leave behind. I start scrolling through Gus' condolence page and read all the comments from people who never bothered to visit him in His Final Days but claim that he will leave a gaping hole in their lives and they'll never forget him. But their wrong, he will be forgotten, as will I and no one can guarantee the continuation of our species and everything we've worked for will be for nothing.
After getting dressed – my blue top with the pipe of course - I quietly pad through the kitchen and grab my keys, quickly murmuring a good morning to my parents and slip out the door. As I gracelessly lower my traitor body into the driver's seat of my car, I'm suddenly hit by the memory of seeing Gus struggle with his G-Tube at a petrol station because he was desperate to do something by himself but he couldn't. That's the thing about being sick, it doesn't just take your life, it takes away your ability to live.
One the ways to Isaac's house, I remember The Night of the Broken Trophies, and how Augustus explained his disdain for basketball and existentially fraught free throws. Is that what I am? A small orange ball hurtling through space hoping I'd get through that tiny little net and come out the other side. But no one does, no one ever finds their way out of the labyrinth. And I wonder what the point of all this is, what reason do I have to stick around, he didn't and now all I have is a broken heart and a broken body. I was brought out of my not-so-optimistic reverie when the car started to shudder and just as I pulled over to the side of the road, my car gave up its fight and went quiet. It wasn't too far to Isaac's, so I climbed out the car pulling my oxygen tank behind me and started walking. Soon the rain began pelting down on me, drowning my tears as I wished it could wash away the past few months and I could be back in Amsterdam, drinking stars amid the petals and rivers and most importantly with Him. But the world is not a wish granting factory and I was left trudging through my memories with only a ghost.
Chapter 2
I knock on the door lightly and Isaac's Mum answers.
"Oh Hazel, it's lovely to see you. I'm so sorry about Augustus, how are you doing?"
"Surviving." I reply, slightly out of breath from the walk.
"Is Isaac in?"
As much as I like his Mum, I really don't want to talk about this with her. It just seems too intrusive. She leads me through the house, all wooden floors and pictures of Isaac when her was a kid and still had eyes. I think of all the encouragements around Gus's house. Maybe Isaac should get some in brail.
We walk into the living room and see Isaac sitting on the sofa listening to music. Haven't seen him since the funeral, couldn't. He was Gus's best friend and I couldn't even leave my room for two weeks. I walk over slowly to him and sit down on the cream sofa.
"Augustus?" he asks. I'm startled, that name still causes me fresh pain. But he doesn't see me wince at the name.
"No it… it's me. Hazel From Support Group."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, it just isn't the same without him anymore. How are you doing?" Isaac wasn't doing so well either. We need you, Augustus, we both need you.
"Not great to be honest. I was wondering if you wanted to visit his grave? I'm not ready to go alone yet."
"Yeah, sure. Should probably visit the old chap. I was just listening to The Hectic Glow's latest album. Gus would've loved it, he-" Isaac stops. I understand, he left his scar on a lot of us. Except mine can never heal. Unlike Isaac, who got rid of his cancer, will get better and move on with time but I don't have time. I will bear this scar for however many remaining days I have left.
I sit in silence for a while, no idea how long. We just sit there, remembering. I think of the time when we egged Monica's car. The last picture I ever took of Augustus. On one of his Last Good Days.
"Alright, let's go, before it gets dark. You know how I can't see in the dark very well."
I almost laugh at this. I think of when Gus (again) and I help him up and I lead us back to the door.
Chapter 3
We drive Isaac's Mum's car to the cemetery to the sound of the radio. A song by The Hectic Glow comes on and I tighten my grip on the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white. It's all I can do not to cry. His favourite song. I quietly sing along and after a while so does Isaac. Then we really get into it and go all out – screaming the lyrics out as loud as my crappy lungs will allow and Isaac flails his arms around like he's being electrocuted or something. Then the blinding pain takes over. Demanding that I pay attention to it as usual. I have to stop in the middle of the road and then I can think of nothing else but the flames attacking my throat and the desperate need of every cell in my body for oxygen. Folding on myself, I can't help but let out a scream. But Isaac can't see what's happening and then he starts panicking.
"OH MY GOD HAZEL! DID W EHIT SOMETHING, ARE YOU OK?!"
I struggle to get the words out but I manage a wheeze
"I… I'm fine. Just, fighting a civil war"
The pain dissipates as quickly as it emerged and I start the engine again. Neither Isaac nor I say a word until we reach the car park and get out.
"Don't die Hazel. You can't leave us, please don't. For me."
Isaac's voice is full of concern, that exact tone you use when you know you're out of time but still praying for a miracle. I don't say anything, I just take his arm and we trek up the hill towards where He is buried.
The soil is still fresh and there's a headstone here now. Tears stinging my eyes, I read aloud:
AUGUSTUS WATERS
BELOVED SON, BROTHER AND FRIEND
"I'M ON A ROLLERCOASTER THAT ONLY GOES UP"
1995 – 2012
A cross is etched in the stone under the dates and I trace my finger across the cold, rough surface thinking how such a fascinating boy could have such a dull epitaph. I want to scream at the sky. I want him back. I want to be healthy and happy and Isaac to have his eyes and not feel like I'm constantly drowning and I want life to come with a do-over button. But he gave me a forever within the numbered days and so I just say "okay" and we leave.
Chapter 4
A couple of days later, when I'm watching reruns of America's Next Top Model, Isaac calls asking if I'll be at support group the next day. I wasn't really planning on going but I should probably spend time with him while I still can. The day passes unnoticed. I take my daily dose of Phalanxifor, sleep, eat, puke and dutifully fight cancer like I should but all I can think about Gus's grave. An entirely unremarkable memorial for the most remarkable boy I've ever met.
Chapter 5
"HAPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE!"
Exclaims my mother as she charges into my room at six in the morning. Yeah, you read that right, six. In. the. Morning.
"Mum, sleep fights cancer"
I say as I extricate myself from the machine and get Philip. Mum is bustling around with presents, which I'll probably never have the chance to use and she asks if I feel an older and I say not really and then Dad comes in crying (of course) and gushes about how happy he is that I made it to my seventieth birthday.
I struggle to blow out the candles on my cake and try to plaster a smile on my face at the presents but eventually, I make my escape to support group.
Chapter 6
I opt for the lift to take me into the literal heart of Jesus, due to the aching protest of my lungs.
"I'll be okay."
I tell myself this, though I don't quite believe it.
I see Isaac sitting across the room as Patrick starts his usual speech, so I make my way over and