A/N: Well was stuck on 'water mirror' as am too dead tired to write serious angst, so you get a short one shot to tide you over instead. As usual Houjun isn't mine but Tori is. He's my little fluff-ball, so there! *ahem* Yes, to the story then…

I look towards the past, a wall of infinite sadness surrounding me and drowning me in nightmarish torment. The future has become a black hole of nothingness. All that I am, all that I ever was, was lost in a single moment. The moment I let him go… I let his hand slip from mine and I died with him. The life was ripped out of me by those swirling, raging waters leaving me here to live the rest of my pitiful life in agony.

I sit here now, a soulless shell, waiting for something. For what I'm not sure, but I do know that, whatever it is, it isn't salvation. I have killed, and so should be killed. I am a traitor who killed his best friend over a meaningless fight and so I deserve to suffer.

I have become everything I've ever hated and more. I am Ri Houjun, angel of death and destruction.

Even as I sit here, I can feel the hatred burning inside of me…hatred of myself and hatred for him too... Damn you Hikou! Why did you have to fall in that godforsaken river in the first place! If you had just kept your balance none of this would have happened! I wouldn't be this way! Nobody would hate me, I wouldn't be a monster! I'd just be…I'd be…hell, if things were different I'd still be by that accursed river, holding your hand and trying to pull you to safety…

My head suddenly gets heavy as tiny spots flash before my eyes and I let myself fall sideways onto the grass, clenching fistfuls of the damp green fauna in my shaking hands. I lie there for awhile, trembling with cold and grief, the gash over my missing eye throbbing dully as tears flood down my face and threaten to send me spiralling down into unconsciousness.

I'm about to yield to the comforting blackness when quite unexpectedly a little bird skids across my line of sight. At first I think I'm seeing things because of the infection in my left eye that has left me with a fever and uncontrollable shivering, but then I hear sharp cries of pain coming from my right. Slowly, I drag myself into a sitting position and look blearily down at the tiny ball of brilliant red feathers trembling by my feet.

"I-it's a bird." I mutter to myself "A tiny, injured, beautiful little bird…"

I reach out to the miniscule creature and it hop-skips into my hand where it stands for a second, teetering on its little feet, and then it collapses onto its side. At first I just stare at the little thing, my dulled senses not registering the fact that the bird needs my help and then it dawns on me that the bird came to me, somehow knowing I would give it the help it needed.

"Don't worry I'll help you…I won't leave you like this…" I whisper to it, gently stroking its gravity defying head-feathers.

For a moment I feel my pain recede as the silky feathers run across my water-worn fingers. I feel the heat in my head abate somewhat and it seems the stabbing pain in my eye is less sharp than before. The bird trills a soft, pitiful note and I remember that the creature is injured. Gently, I lift the bird into a sitting position on my hand and I can see right away that its left wing is broken. I tear a small piece of material from my tunic and carefully take the bird's wing between my fingers. The tiny creature starts to tremble in my hand and it lets out a high-pitched squeal of fear.

"No, shh…Don't be scared…" I sooth, starting to wrap the cloth around the bird's wing "It's alright, I just look scary, but I'm really not. I won't hurt you."

The little bird calms as it sees that I'm doing it no harm and I smile down into its beady black eyes.

"There. Now your wing can heal." I tell it.

The bird looks up at me curiously, now gently cradled in the palm of my hand, and sings a single sad note as it tries and fails to spread its wings.

I look at the bird and nod understandingly. "I know, little one, I know. You want to fly, don't you?" I say softly "You want to be free of these wounds and just live, don't you?" I sigh heavily and lie back in the wet grass with my hands resting on my stomach, still cradling the injured little bird, heedless of the needles of pain stabbing through my head as the fever hits me with its full force once more. "I do too…I wish I could just erase that day. The anger and hurt and sadness…but most of all, I want to bring back Hikou…" Tears well in my eye again as the name brings memory after memory flooding back into my mind. "But I can't…and-and everyday that I wake up and take a breath, I curse the gods for letting me live…because-because it should have been me in that river, not him…"   

I lie there for awhile, the miniscule little bird gently nuzzling my hands with its soft feathery cheek as my chest heaves with new sobs. All of a sudden I'm seized with this irresistible urge to leave my ruined village behind me and seek out…something. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I do know that I can't stay here any longer. The memories are too sharp, the pain is too great and I am too weak to bear this never ending agony anymore. I force myself to my feet and look down at the bird held protectively in the palm of my left hand.

"We'll both find some peace this way." I tell the tiny creature, my voice a broken half-whisper "You'll be able to stay safe until your wing heals and I just might be able to find out why I'm still alive…"

The crimson ball of feathers stares up at me in mild confusion and I smile tremulously down at the bird, taking the first step forward to wherever it is I'm going.     

For weeks we walk, through forests and fields, passing little towns every so often and still something is pulling me onwards. Finally I collapse in the grass beneath a willow that stands only a few miles from a monastery, the fever still burning inside me rendering me unable to even take a breath without feeling pain.

Carefully, I move the tiny bird I still hold out of harm's way and push myself up against the tree's trunk. "I guess this is where we stop Tori." I tell the almost-healed ball of feathers in my hands "At least it's where I stop. Soon you'll be able to fly and go wherever you like but, by the looks of things right now, I'd say this is where I'm staying until the gods finally decide to end my misery."

The little bird looks up at me and for a second I could swear I see sympathy shining in its black eyes. I shake my head to clear it and immediately regret the action as a wave of dizzy nausea overtakes me. I hurriedly set my feathered companion beside me in the grass, taking care not to accidentally let the bird fall and double over in agony. For a second it's all I can do not to die right then and there, then the pulsating pain slowly leaves me and I let myself fall sideways onto the grass.

A blurred red form comes into my line of vision and then disappears as the bird hops closer to nuzzle my cheek with its feathery head.

"I-it's okay…I'm okay…" I tell it weakly, not caring that the bird probably can't understand me anyways "I swear, I won't die until I know you're okay…I-I promise…"

Suddenly the world starts to spin in a nebulous whirlpool of colours and I shut my eye against the chaos my mind is making me see. "Not yet! Please Suzaku, not yet!" I beg the phoenix god. "I have to do at least one decent thing in this world before I leave it! I don't want to die knowing the only thing I ever gave back to you was death…"

I'm walking through swirling darkness; all I can see is empty blackness. Suddenly I catch sight of a bright red spot on the horizon. As I get closer, a crimson bird makes its way into my field of vision and for a second I can see a phoenix staring into my mahogany eyes. I feel almost as if this beautiful creature knows my pain, as if it knows everything about me, and yet can still love me unconditionally…

I reach out a trembling hand. A single tear falls from the creature's eye and it lets out a low cry that sounds almost like a sob as it spreads its wings and takes flight.

"Wait!" I yell into the abyss that surrounds me "Wait! Don't leave me all alone in this hell…please!"

My hand latches onto somebody's sleeve and I open my eye slowly slide open. I look up into the face of a kindly old man. He has on a traditional monk's robe and behind him I can see the bleary outlines of three other men. My eye widens in panic and I grip the monk's sleeve tightly in my sweating palm. "T-Tori…" I mutter, my voice made rough by the fever raging inside of me. "D-doko? I-I've got to find…" 

A cool hand is placed on my forehead and I fall silent under the strangely soothing touch. "Do not worry child, we mean you no harm." the man whose sleeve I hold tells me. "We are the monks of Suzaku. We will help you."

I'm not even sure of my own name at this point, but somehow my brain is able to hold onto one thought; find Tori.

"T-Tori!" I tell the man, fighting to keep another wave of dizziness from washing over me "D-do-ko?"

"Tori?" he asks gently "The little red bird we found with you?"

I start to nod but immediately regret the action as shooting pain stabs through my infected eye. "D-doko?" I ask for a third time, my trembling words now shot through with pain "T-Tori wa d-doko d-desu?"

"He is not far." the old man tells me. "Jinsei is bringing him. Do not fear for him, we will take good care of both of you and soon Tori will fly and you will be on your way home again."

I try to nod again and wince as the darkness swirls around me once more. Squeezing my one remaining eye shut tight, I hold tightly to the monk's sleeve-the one thing keeping me awake. Strong arms lift me from the ground and I feel quick footsteps reverberating under my head and lower back. The swirling peace of death's hand slides over me once more and I slip down into the abyss.

As my eyes slowly slip open on my third day in the monastery, the first thing I catch sight of is Tori. I smile at the little bird and push myself into a sitting position. My fever is all but gone now and my eye is free of its infection but I'm still too weak to go very far.

I lower my hand to the bed-sheets and Tori hops into my palm with a happy chirp. "Today's the day." I tell the little bird, carefully cutting the bandage from its wing "The day you can finally fly and the day I set myself free."

Tori blinks up at me and trills out an encouraging note.

"That's right." I nod "I start my new life today and as soon as I'm strong enough, I'm going to serve Suzaku here in the monastery." I look fondly down at Tori and stroke his gravity defying head feathers with my index finger. "Thanks to you…" I whisper "If I hadn't found you, I never would have come here and I never would have found people who aren't afraid of me. I never could have told my story and I never could have found the acceptance I found here." I laugh softly and slowly walk to the window to pull back the curtains. Letting the bright sunlight stream in and bathe me in its light. "You don't even realize it, but you may well have saved this sinner's soul. You might have just given me a chance to rebuild what I destroyed…"

I lower my head and gently kiss the little bird on the head. "So now, my Tori, I set you free as well." I give the hand that holds the bird a soft jolt and the tiny creature instinctively takes to the sky.

"I promised I'd set you free and that's what I did. You promised me nothing and I expected no reward, but instead of nothing you gave me everything…Thank you, my Tori."   

A/N: well it ends here, you make up what happens to Houjun between now and when he finally becomes 'Chichiri'. I know it's not so great, but it sounded cute in my head. Anyways, glossary of the one Japanese word I used below and later days to all of ya.

Doko-where (____ wa doko desu= where is ____)

~Tenshi Kitsune~