It's the thing he loves the most about her. No matter how empty he feels, she has always been able to fix him.
Kate woke up at 2 AM, startled out of a dream involving boars, hatches, and numbers...
4, 8, 15, 16...
She shuddered and turned to Jack, wanting to wrap her arms around him and breathe in his comforting scent, but was surprised to see his side of the bed was empty. Was he really working that late? Unable to fall back asleep, she got out of bed and padded softly down the stairs.
Jack was staring blankly at the beige-colored wall in the living room, dark circles under his eyes. He was still in his suit from work. Kate could tell from the pain etched across his face that he was contemplating something.
"Jack?" Kate whispered, walking over to him.
He looked around, blinking rapidly. "Hey, Kate." He attempted to give her his trademark grin, but his facial muscles wouldn't seem to cooperate. It looked more like a grimace.
She slid next to him on their leather sofa, feeling troubled. She had always felt this overwhelming need to protect Jack, to shield him from harm. His pain was her pain, and the sadness in his hazel eyes gave her a sharp pang.
"What's wrong, why aren't you in bed?"
He sighed, muttering something about working.
"Jack. Look at me." She put her fingertips on his cheek, and he reluctantly met her eyes.
"I lost a patient", he blurted out. "He was just a kid, only 12 years old. By the time I arrived to operate, he was bleeding so much, there wasn't much I could do..." He shook his head miserably.
"What happened to him?" asked Kate. She had a sick feeling in her stomach that had a direct correlation to the sleeping boy upstairs.
"Car accident." Jack reached for his forehead and pressed his temples, a reaction to stress.
They both sat in silence for a moment, thinking. Kate was running her fingers through Jack's hair, massaging the base with little circles-just the way he liked it.
Kate broke the silence first. "Jack..." she began, carefully."That's awful, but you have to know it's not your fault. Is that really all that's wrong?"
There was a long pause as Jack decided whether or not to confide in her. There was a part of him that wanted to remain silent and keep up the I'm-in-control, invincible facade he always had. But a bigger part of him wanted, no, needed her to know what he was feeling, why exactly he was acting like this.
"I'm just...so tired of hurting people. Letting them down." His voice was quiet and achingly vulnerable. "You'd think it would get easier," he continued with a bitter laugh. "I've done it so often."
Kate's drooping eyes flew open in shock. "Jack, you're a surgeon! You can't think like that..."Her voice trailed off when she saw his expression and realized he wasn't just talking about his patients.
Terrible images, ones she had tried so hard to forget, flashed through her mind.
Saywer, jumping off the helicopter... The island disappearing with a flash of white light. The island that their friends were on, waiting for rescue.
And finally, the freighter. Exploding and killing everyone who was on it. Bursting into flames as Jin ran across it, desperately calling for his wife.
Kate could still hear Sun screaming.
She winced and shook her head, trying to wipe it clean. Jack watched her face guiltily.
Kate took a deep breath. "All the things that happened on that day...on the island-"
"They were my fault."
Kate felt irritated. Why did he have to do this to himself? He was determined to blame himself for everything, to hold himself responsible for something that had been out of his control. If he wanted someone to blame, there were plenty of people to point fingers at.
"It was not your-"
Jack cut her off angrily, learning forward in agitation. "I promised those people, Kate, over 40 people that I would protect them, that I would bring them home," His tone turned from anger to self-disgust. "All I did was get most of them killed."
Kate shook her head adamantly, "You didn't get them killed. It was Widmore's boat that blew up, Widmore's team of men who tried to kill our people. He was the one who rigged the boat, who blew it up. Charles Widmore killed them, not you." Her voice rose, and she had to remind herself that Aaron was sleeping. Kate stared at Jack, silently pleading with him to understand.
Jack desperately wanted to believe her, to forget the people that haunted his dreams, drown in the forgiveness he saw in her eyes. But he couldn't, not yet. He needed to finish voicing the thoughts that had been plaguing him ever since he got off that island. The thoughts that became fresh and painful with every new loss. He thought that if he couldn't say them, they would consume him until he went crazy.
"It was my call, Kate. Whatever you might say, I was the leader. Everyone looked to me for directions, and I'm responsible."
He slumped back against the couch.
By now, Kate knew there was nothing she could say to change his mind. All she could do was ask him to put it behind him.
She took his trembling hand in her own. "Jack, can't you please...put that behind you? I know that you feel guilty, and I understand. But for me...just let it go. Whatever happened, you can't change it."
Jack shook his head numbly. Kate's voice rose. "I let go of my mistakes for you, Jack! Tom, Kevin, all of the men who got hurt because of me. I gave up my fear of new relationships for you. I stopped running away from you. Because us, this"-she gestured madly-"is worth it me. You are worth it. Now you need move on, for me. I need you to be happy." By the end of her speech, she was on her feet, the only thing lessening her hard expression the continued presence of her fingers laced with Jack's.
"I..." Jack closed his eyes wearily, trying to form words. Kate's face softened, and she sat back down next to him, clutching his large, callused hand even tighter
Jack stared at their intertwined hands. Kate's small, strong hand sent a surge of warmth through him, a warmth that reminded him of passionate kisses, and crashing waves, and second chances. Warmth that lessened some of the aching grief pressing down on his chest.
"Please, Jack."
She wiped away some of the moisture on his face, and he had to laugh at himself a little. Was he really crying? He had always imagined that he would be the one comforting her, not the other way around. He had never let her see this vulnerable side of him, yet she accepted him anyway.
He didn't want to disappoint Kate anymore. He wanted to be all that he could for her, without the weights of the past holding him down. He finally nodded his head in agreement, causing her to sigh in relief. For now, he was not alone. For now, he could forget and move forward.
For now he was okay.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her tangled brown hair. Kate firmly wrapped her arms his neck and kissed his cheek.
"Kate?"
"Mmm?"
"Thank you."
He could feel her smile into the crook of his neck.
"Anytime."