Author's note: I've actually been planning on doing this story for a while. And I'm really excited to finally let everyone see it. Ive been working on it since i created my account. P.s. this story is set in it's own timeline in the archer universe. (Lana isn't pregnant, Brett is still alive, Malory isn't married, Barry still works for Odin, ISIS still exists, etc.)
Deep within the far reaches of space, three Yautja stood over a holographic map of earth, going through a list of potential opponents for their new hunters. The Yautja (or at least two out of the seven planets they populated) dedicated their lives to hunting. They would only hunt targets if they served as formidable opponents. They'd never attack someone who wasn't worthy, such as pregnant women, children, or people that were already dying.
Although the Yautja were centuries ahead of earth (in terms of technology), they preferred to stick to the bare essentials when it came to their lifestyle. They would only use there advanced tech for their weapons, their armor, and their warships. The weapons that they would use for hunting were mostly melee-based, but they also carried plasma cannons on their shoulder plates if their target was also using firearms.
Earth had always been their favorite planet to hunt on. Humans were the perfect hunting targets because they presented enough of a challenge to be an honorable opponent, and yet their inferior technology and fighting skills prevented them from becoming potential threats to the Yautja civilization.
After several hours, the three elder Yautja finally chose a target, Sterling Archer: earth's most dangerous secret agent. "This one will be a fine trophy." a Yautja comments in his native language "Yes, yes he will." the two other Yautja reply
Earth: 11:15 a.m.
ISIS headquarters (New York)
Sterling Archer walked out of the elevator to the top floor of the ISIS building, and headed toward his mother's office. He was late as usual. Either spending all night having sex with multiple prostitutes or getting completely wasted, or both. His mother was the founder and head of ISIS. Know one knows how she started the organization, but like Archer, no one asked or even wanted to know.
"Archer, where the hell have you been?" Archer's on and off (currently off) girlfriend: Lana asked, furiously
"Jesus Lana, what's up your ass today?" Archer asked her, trying to sound like the victim
"You, me, Ray, and Pam were supposed to meet with your mother two hours ago to do briefing before we left for our mission in Tokyo! And now, thanks to you, we're probably gonna miss our flight!" Lana replies
"Well you bitching at me about it isn't helping either, Lana!" Archer says
"Oh my god, will you just shut up and get in there please!" Lana commands, shoving Archer into his mother's office with her hulk-sized hands
Ray and Pam were silently waiting in Malory's office when Archer and Lana finally arrived. Ray and Pam were examining the mission dossiers while Malory sipped her Gin & Tonic.
"Alright, now that everyone is here, we can finally get started." Malory begins, pressing a button on her keyboard which pulls back a wall as a screen turns on
"Oh, hello to you too, mother." Archer comments
Their mission was to capture Oishi Okomoto and bring him back to the US. He was a major Yakuza crime boss who handled most of their U.S. operations. The intel stated after a large arms deal went bad, he fled back to Japan, and went into hiding. The US had been looking for him for over a decade, but he was eventually found by an undercover cop desgised as a currier just outside of Tokyo. Finding him wasn't the problem, it was that he was in a large mansion, protected by hundreds of yakuza bodyguards.
"Lana...Lana...LANA!" Archer shouts
"WHAT!?" Lana asks, annoyed
"Katana fight!" Archer replies with excitement
"Jesus Christ Sterling, not every Japaniese household has a Katana in it!" Malory comments with frustration
"Fine then, they can borrow some of mine. I have like 500 of them. I have multiple variations of every sword, bow, or gun that ever existed." Archer replies just he runs out of the room
"Where the hell are you going now?" Lana asks
"Just to pick something up, see you at the airport." Archer replies as he runs to the elevator
"No offense, but I have no idea how you were able to put up with him for 18 years, and still have a small shred of sanity." Lana says
"That's where woodhouse came in handy." Malory replies, taking another sip of her drink
"Please tell me that wasn't a double-entendre." Lana begs
"It is whatever you think it is, dear." Malory replies
Archer, Ray, Pam, and Lana left for Tokyo a few hours later, completely unaware of the battle that lied ahead.
24 hours later...
"Cheryl, has Sterling called? Cheryl, Cheryl" Malory called as Cheryl sat at her desk, eating glue
"NO! Ma'am, but rest assured I'll let you know whenever he does." Cheryl replied, trying to remain calm
"Well, get in here, if I have to pick up my own lunch again I will literally pay someone to impregnate you with quadruplets!" Malory yelled
"Ugh..." Cheryl sighed, getting up from her desk
Meanwhile (in a hotel suit in one of the nicest hotels in Tokyo, which was paid for with Mallory's credit card, unknown to her)...
"Pam, stop hogging all the goddamn sushi!" Archer commanded
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, make me, lick bag!" Pam replied, with a mouth full of sushi
"Oh my god, will the two of you please shut up! I'm trying to read the intell that you dumbasses were to lazy to so much as glance at!" Lana shouted
"Well, excuse me, agent NOT-in-command, but I had to clean AND sharpen my katanas, so I didn't exactly have the time." Archer replied
"Hey, y'all, I've spotted our target." Ray announced, with binoculars pressed up against the window
Their target, as well as a few of his bodyguards, were leading a group of men toward his large penthouse. Which was across the street from their hotel.
"Alright, Archer, Pam, follow them to the penthouse. Ray and I will be on stand by if (and probably when) you need back up." Lana said in a commanding tone
"Wait, I'm agent in command!" Archer yelled "Why do you get to make the orders?"
"Do you have an alternative idea on how we might be able to penetrate the penthouse?" Lana sighed
"Well first of all: phrasing, and second of all: I do in fact have a plan." Archer replied
"Fine, what is it?" Lana asked
"My plan is to come up with a plan." Archer answered
"I JUST CAME UP WITH A PLAN!" Lana shouted
"So, you aren't agent in command. And if you say that you are, I'll call mother and-" Archer began before Lana interrupted "And tell her what, that you stole her platinum card again? I'm sure she'd love to hear that."
"You wouldn't tell her that." Archer commented
"Just watch me!" Lama replied
"OH MY GOD, just screw already!" Ray yelled, which naturally shut them both up and got them to get back to work.
"Alright, they're going inside. Let's go!" Lana commanded
Archer pouted and mumbled to himself as he and Pam walked out the door.
"Honestly, how long has it been since you've even had sex?" Ray asked
"Wha- I go on tons of dates...with models, men...men who model." Lana replied, trying to deny that it had been 18 months since she had sex with anyone
"Well, don't get me wrong, but it's not like it would be the end of the world if the two of you ever fooled around one more time." Ray suggested as Lana sighed, lightly leaning her forehead into her fist
Archer and Pam walked in silence toward the building across the street. Pam felt like mentioning what had been going on with Archer and Lana over the course of their trip, but she decided to wait until they all got to back to say anything. For her, that was incredibly rare, considering she would always gossip about everything and everyone.
"Oshi Okomoto, put your hands up!" Archer commanded just after he stepped out of the elevator, being surrounded by Yakuza, and holding his Chekov in one hand and a katana in another.
The elderly mob boss simply looked at the two ISIS agents, and chuckled. "Kill them both." he ordered his men
To Archer's suprise, the Yakuza bodyguards did not draw katanas, but instead, m-16's. The men quickly opened fire as Archer and Pam ran for cover. "I JUST WANTED TO GET IN A SWORD FIGHT WITH THE YAKUZA, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?" Archer shouted as the metal desk he and Pam were using as cover was being riddled with bullets
Eventually, the bodyguards were forced to reload, which gave Archer and Pam the perfect oppertunity to return fire. It didn't do much good though, they only took out 5 of the 13 men that protected Okomoto.
"Oh goddamnit! How could he be so stupid as to think that the Yakuza would actually use swords instead of guns?" Lana shouted
"What did you expect?" Ray asked "He almost never reads the intel or the dossiers, all of his predictions for every mission he goes on are solely based on movies and tv shows."
Although Lana and Ray loved watching Archer not get his way, the two of them still had to provide back up for Archer and Pam. Unknown to anyone involved, a Yautja, covered from head to toe in red Samurai armor, was watching all this chaos take place from the roof above Ray and Lana. Waiting for the right moment to turn off his cloaking device, and begin his battle with Earth's most dangerous spy. Unfortunately, with the gun battle tipping less and less in Archer's favor, he might not have an opponent to fight within the next 5 minutes. Realizing it was now or never, Big Red made his way over to Archer.
In the midst of the intense gun battle, Archer, Pam, Lana, Ray, and the bodyguards saw a large glass window shatter. The entire room froze untill they heard a noise, it didn't sound like anything from this world, the only thing it sounded remotely farmiller to was a c-17 preparing to take off. Before anyone even had the chance to blink, a blue light flashed, and a bodyguard's head was turned into a pile of bloody chunks. Followed by another, and another untill all of the guards were dead.
"HOLY SHIT-SNACKS!" Pam shouted
"What the-" Lana began
"Hell-" Ray continued
"...just happened?" Archer finnished
Suddenly, the Samurai Predator (a.k.a. Big Red) appeared out of nowhere. Archer felt two emotions: excitement because he was about to get the sword fight he wished for (with a creature he though only existed in movies none the less), and fear because of the exact same reason.
Everyone froze as Big Red drew his katana from the sheath on his left hip, and pointed it directly at Archer. Pam discreetly grabbed Okomoto, who did not give resistance, and headed back to the hotel, leaving Archer alone with his opponent. Archer slowly drew the katana from the sheath on the back of his turtleneck, and walked toward Big Red.
The two of them connected their blades, hesitated, then began to fight. Their blades clashed against each other at a slow, even pace. Both of them taking their time, learning their opponents' strengths and weaknesses.
Archer swung his katana at the Yautja, hoping to get a clean shot at its neck in order to free its head from it's body. The Yautja quickly block Archer's attack Amd swung its sword at Archer's waist. Unfortunately for Big Red, Archer backed out just in time, leving nothing but the bottom of his shirt to be cut.
They continued connecting their blades over and over again. Archer could tell he was getting weaker, his attacks were getting slower, and his sword felt like it was only getting heavier. Unfortunately, his opponent didn't seem to show any of those signs, if anything, it was only becoming faster and stronger.
Evemtually, the fight seemed to slow down enough to where Archer could actually take a breath. He and the Yautja starred at each other from across the room. It was obvious that the next strike either of them made would be the last.
The Yautja looked at Archer, as if to ask "are you ready?", mustering all of the remaining strength he had, archer charged at his opponent. They ran towards each other at full force.
SWING
the Yautja swung at Archer's head, but he ducked down just in time.
SWING
Archer made his own strike at his opponent, staining his katana in green liquid. Archer looked up at the Yautja as it stood in the middle of the room, completely still. Eventually, the Yautja's head fell from it's shoulders.
"WWWWOOOOOOOOOO! On my god, I AM AWSOME!" archer shouted in victory as his fellow ISIS agents stood behind him in shock. They knew (except for Archer) that if they told Malory or anyone else what they just saw, they'd probably get locked away for life. So naturally, they all agreed to stay silent.
THE END