The Chronicles of Dave De'ath.
Hatched by Turbo Chicken.
Chapter One. The Shit Hits The Fan.
The grim reaper knew he was in hot water again, why would the head honcho, the big cheese, the creator of all things wonderful summons him to his office. The large cavernous room shimmered with a heavenly light that emitted a soothing warmth. Piped supermarket music mumbled softly in the background. Where is he, he's deliberately making me wait, letting me stew, he thought. Or he could be giving me time to come up with a reasonable excuse. The grim reaper shook his head in despair, no he's definitely making me stew, he concluded. The huge doors to the office slowly creaked open to the sound of angels playing their harps. The reapers stomach lurched, oh boy, any minute now the shits gonna hit the fan I can feel it in my bones, he thought. God did not look amused as he eased himself into his chair; he lightly tapped his fingers on the desk, knocking out the first few bars of stairway to heaven by led zeppelin. Bollocks thought the reaper here it comes, any minute now, and then he braced himself for gods wrath. De'ath I think you know why I have asked you here today,said god in his warm but authoritive voice. Overtime sheets not being in on time? Replied de'ath. No, replied god. Being late on Tuesday? Noooo. Not putting in enough money for the tea and coffee collection? Enough!Enough of this nonsense! Does collecting souls whilst being intoxicated ring any bells with you, per chance? replied god sarcastically. Oh that, replied de'ath in an innocent tone. YES THAT! boomed god. The reaper frantically tried to explain, It was lady luck you see, we met at satan's new bar The Inferno, I thought I would pop in for a swift half on my way to work and well one thing sort of led to another and before I knew it, it was time for work. I honestly didn't think I had had that much to drink at the time, explained de'ath, although I did feel slightly intoxicated, but I thought it was just the effects of being in the company of lady luck, you know how intoxicated she can make you feel, ask any mortal when they get lucky on the horses, or win a dream holiday, you feel like you are on an incredible high, intoxicated, he explained.I really did'nt have that much to drink,so you can't really blame me for being irresponsible because I don't think I were. Well I suppose that throws a different light on things , replied god but it still does not excuse the fact that your cock up has caused a shed load of grief! We just cannot allow the wrong souls being collected, according to the head of the destiny office unscheduled collections cause absolute turmoil, you see, it causes a huge time riff throwing everything out of cinque, futures have to be replanned, destinies have to be rewritten, its an enormous load of extra work, not to mention the cost in overtime pay, the unions are calling for double time on this one, your little blip could break us financially, he groaned.
.I am sorry de'ath, but this is one mistake too many this time, the board of directors want blood, they are asking for your resignation. However, I do feel that they may be overeacting to this unfortunate incident and maybe, once tempers have cooled down, a suitable punishment may be accepted. It will have to be a punishment that will befit the crime though, the punishment I am afraid will have to be severe this time. Dear god ,just let me explain, apologise, begged de'ath. Resting his elbow on the desk whilst rubbing his beard in contemplation, god pondered a while, Uhmmm let me think, he said. Meanwhile Lucifer the fallen angel was irritatingly flying around high up in one corner of the room doing loop the loops with a malicious grin on his ridicoulous face, quietly jeering and laughing at deaths unfortunate predicament. Thinking aloud, god said, I think a suitable punishment would be, ( head shlapping!)squealed lucifer with delight. No, I think it should be, (head shlapping) squealed Lucifer even louder and with much more glee than before, no… retorted god, I think you should have… (head shlapping!) GO TO HELL, boomed god and he zapped Lucifer with his finger of wrath. In a blinding flash Lucifer had gone. Ooooh… he's such an irritating devil at times, god remarked. I am afraid he's put me off now,I appear to have lost the thread, I think I am going to have to sleep on it de'ath, I suggest you be in my office tomorrow morning 9am sharp, goodbye.
In a blink of an eye god had disappeared, the piped music droned simply the best by tina turner in the background. Oh boy, thought de'ath remorsefully, and as he slowly crawled out of the office cringing with embarrasment and shame, the piped music changed to who's sorry now?