A very late gift for Iseki. Sorry I didn't get this out sooner. I actually finished this awhile go, but I forgot to upload it...

That One Comfort

There was a time when I believed in Santa Claus. For a kid, it's one of the most innocent beliefs you can have, naïve as it is. But for me, it was easy to swallow. Even ignoring all the impossibilities that factor into why a Santa Claus couldn't possibly be able to travel across the entire world (with flying reindeer, no less) and deliver presents to every good child, we wanted to believe in it because we wanted to hold onto that one piece of magic that suggested that the world was a perfect place that cared. But then I grew up.

For my first few years of life, I assumed that the world (or at least my world) was perfect. I had two loving parents, a big sister who tried her best to look out for me, and a grandmother who was always there for me as well. We lived in Harmonica Town on the island of Castanet which was in its own little beautiful corner of the world. The air was clean, the food was tasty, the people were friendly, and we had money, thanks to my parents and their line of handmade clothes that had had been met with popularity in the mainland. Mom and Dad were loving and supportive of both my and Candace's dreams, saying that we could be whatever we wanted to be and that they would be there every step of the way.

They couldn't keep that promise, but that wasn't their fault. When I was eight years old, they died in a plane crash on their way to some sort of convention. The fact that it was in a plane, supposedly the safest form of travel… I don't know, it just showed me how you can lose somebody so quickly and suddenly. I was devastated; if my perfect little world as I perceived it was a tapestry, life pretty much stuck a knife right in the center, dragged it, and left a big hole. But as hard as it was for me, Grandma and Candace took it worse. For Grandma, outliving her daughter and son-in-law broke her spirit for many years. Candace seemed like somebody had left her in the middle of nowhere; she seemed totally lost and alone. To make things worse, it was December, which pretty much ruined what should have been the happiest time of year for our family. Despite the heartache and misery, I made sure that when I cried, nobody was around to see it, especially Grandma and Candace. I needed to be strong for them. What I didn't know then, however, was that while they would eventually recover, I would continue to deteriorate.

As I grew older, I began to see how imperfect the world was. Of course, this was bound to happen sooner or later, but I still remember every little chink in the "tapestry". Once you start paying attention, it's easy to see things that would have gone under your nose. Who had money problems, who hated who, and the gossip; the sheer amount of words spoken between people about others behind their backs… I would have hoped that this little town that prided itself in its friendliness would be above such thing. The crime of gossip and hatred seemed to be more among the women than the men. Whenever a man on this island seems to have a problem with another man, he'll call that man out, avoid and ignore that man entirely, or just grudgingly tolerate whatever it is that's bothering him. With women, it can get nasty. When we were teenagers, it was usually Kathy and I who were gossiping and spreading hateful (and oftentimes, untrue) rumors about each other to anybody who would listen. Yes, I admit that I'm guilty, but the difference is, while I stopped gossiping altogether (I'm more like the guys now in that I'll tell you exactly what I'm thinking), Kathy still does it, now with Selena in tow. Luckily, I'm not the only one they talk about, but what bothers me is how Kathy can get away with it because she comes off as so nice and charming to everybody's face. Myself on the other hand… to this day, I'm still occasionally reminded the way I used to behave.

At the end of the day, gossip is just petty nonsense. There are people with actual health problems, and I'm not just talking about getting physically sick. Dale the blacksmith for example: he never seemed to recover after losing his wife to cancer and apparently, he spends most of his money on alcohol. Ramsey's situation is even more tragic. I can't say that I know him that well, but I always felt that he was gruff because that was who he was. Turns out, there was a time when he was a lot friendlier (Grandma says so at least). It took some digging, but I found out that his wife and Owen's parents died from overdosing on drugs within a month of each other. Losing a wife, a child, and an in-law in rapid succession like that… that sounds even harder than what we had to go through. And only a few years ago, he started raising Chloe as well because his daughter dropped the little girl off at his door and never returned. On top of the losses, maybe he drinks so much because he feels as though he failed as a parent and that he'll fail again with Chloe and Owen? I don't know, but if I were to guess… it's heartbreaking.

Then there's marriage. Sure, you have happy marriages here and there. Maya's parents, Colleen and Jake, are proof of this, and while I personally don't know Selena's parents, I've heard good things about them too. But overhearing the gossip unveiled some saddening truths. Apparently, Craig and Ruth are in a loveless marriage. And while I'm uncertain if it's the truth, apparently, Simon is gay, but he married out of reasons of social acceptance. Whether or not he would be accepted today is beyond my knowledge, as the topic of sex has always been taboo here in the public sphere. It's when you get behind closed doors that you'll learn something. And poor Mira after her loss… And I already mentioned what happened with Dale and Ramsey. I grew up reading so many books and watching so many movies where love prevails, but it's obviously not always the case.

So where did this all leave me? Well, I wasn't completely pessimistic. Like everybody else learns at one point or another, I found out that life is hardly perfect and that I should appreciate the good things I did have. I had a loving family, friends such as Gill and Maya, I was a good student, and I was talented at what I did in the shop, even at a young age. I had a beautiful dream back then: become a successful fashion designer like mom and dad were. I knew I had the ability to do it too, more so than Candace at least (not that she wasn't talented, but her dreams were far more down to earth than mine). Despite everything I had, I couldn't help but feel a sense of lacking. There were still nights when the images of my parents' faces haunted my mind. While Grandma and Candace seemed to have healed, still, I struggled silently.

Recognizing my dreams, Grandma decided that I would be to my benefit if I were to receive a formal education. With the right scholarships and a bit of money that my parents had saved away, I attended a boarding school in the mainland. Things were great at first. Though some people didn't enjoy my bluntness, I made friends who seemed to enjoy my company. I didn't care what my haters thought of me, however, since while my social life was important, I was there to learn, get good grades, and reach my dream. I did well in school, especially in math (I was the top of my class in the subject, killing all those sexist stereotypes on sight). But I also excelled in my art classes. My specialty was in drawing the clothes that I wanted to make someday. Even when I wasn't in class, I would fill every crevice of my free time designing these clothes. Sometimes, I would literally spend days without sleeping, drawing nonstop. I had so much boundless energy at times and the designs kept pouring out of my mind. Even though there were times when I was hit with that reoccurring sadness, I felt like I was at a creative peak and that nothing was wrong.

Well, there was something wrong; Bipolar II disorder to be exact. This explained that boundless energy I would have for periods of several days, the mania, as it's called. It also explained my depression that had been worsening. There were days where I felt an inescapable sadness, sometimes exaggerated over negative events, other times for no reason. And on even rarer occasions, I thought of killing myself. I never made an attempt for some time until one night when my roommate at the time found me passed out with an open bottle of pills on my nightstand. That was the final straw. I was eventually taken to the school's psychologist. It brings me a little bit of comfort knowing that I wasn't the only student who cracked, but how did I even have this disorder? Everything had been going so well. Well, I was told that it's possibly genetic (I later learned that my mother had the condition that she was receiving medication for). But it could also be environmental. The psychologist got all Freudian with me, saying that it's possible that I didn't grieve properly by holding everything in at the time of my parents' death. I never quite believed that, but I'm not saying it's impossible. Though the counseling helped, I eventually got medication. It calmed the manic states and lessened the depression (though that was still triggered from time to time). But that wasn't the only thing that was affected.

That massive spike of creativity I had whenever I entered a manic state was gone. I could sit at my notepad for hours and I couldn't draw a single thing that was worth a damn. Switches in medication didn't help me either. Without that mania, I had nothing. There were times when I considered dropping the meds so I could get those rushes back, but I knew better. Once I adjusted to my new life, I came to accept that my dream of revolutionizing fashion was gone. Sad as that was, I had a plan B: I still was good in my other studies, so I decided that I could at least manage Sonata Tailoring when Grandma retired or passed away. I mean, there was no way Candace could do it on her own with all of that insecurity she had bottled up. Maybe someday I could get a better, bigger job in the mainland, but eventually, I'd give that dream up too.

Once I graduated and returned home, I found that nothing had really changed. Under the surface of that cute little town, the ugly truth rested beneath as feuds, rumors, jealousy and hatred ran amuck. Kathy spreading rumors (about Anissa of all people), tension between the Flute Fields families over some sort of property dispute, and jealousy from all the town's wives aimed at Selena turning their husbands' heads, as she had recently started dancing at the bar at the time. However, some of this tension was justified, as there was some sort of imbalance in the environment at the time. The rain wasn't falling, the wind wasn't blowing, the crops that were growing were poor, and people seemed miserable in general. That was new. The town had usually been prosperous. The other new thing in town was Molly, the new rancher who bought the old farm down the road from town. We later credited her for ringing the bells and saving our land.

Despite all that had happened and all that was going on, I kept on a happy face. Sure, I was a little rude at times; some of those times, I was definitely in the wrong, but I focused on my work. Grandma was all but retired, so I started handling Sonata's finances, sales, and a little bit of sewing, while Candace made the clothes. Work made me happy and kept me distracted from the town and myself.

Even with those distractions, I still had my friends. Maya was one, though her cheerful optimism began to drain when Chase and Molly started dating and it worsened when they got married. Of course, you wouldn't know it by looking at her, since like everybody else in this town, she put up that façade that everything is perfect. I only knew about it because we're good friends and her parents have always been too blissfully unaware with each other to notice their daughter's pain. Poor girl. It just saddens me that she was too awkward and shy to let Chase know how she felt when she had the chance.

Gill, on the other hand, was much more uplifting to have a relationship with. Despite our differences, he had always been there for me, he respected my intelligence as I respected his, and was one of the few people who didn't look down on me as being an immature child like so many others did. Alongside of all that, he was the only one willing to talk with me about our little utopia's underbelly. "We all know it's there. It's just that nobody likes to admit it. Why spoil the illusion?" Too true. He also was one of the only people I told about the bipolar thing. I know a lot of people in town wouldn't understand, but Gill did. In turn, he told me about his fears for the island; if the bells didn't ring, if the economy crashed, and so on. Through our own secrets that we held within, we grew even closer… and our friendship grew into something far more romantic.

When he asked me to marry him, I had another decision to make. I really wanted to marry him and start a family, but I knew that by choosing this, I probably would end up getting tied down to this town, killing my chance of any bigger business ventures. In the end, the choice was easy, since while I knew what I was giving up, I also knew I could be happy with Gill, one of the few people I knew wouldn't let me down in a town with so many dark secrets.

"Congratulations Luna, you're pregnant."

I had a feeling that I was pregnant before I was told, but hearing it come out of Dr. Jin's mouth was so reassuring. Three months pregnant… I couldn't help but wear a big, stupid grin upon hearing that news. One part of me was screaming about how this was all happening so fast. Married seven months ago and now I was carrying a child? It was barely even December, but it felt as if Christmas had arrived early.

I was feeling better than I had in a long time. The shop was doing great and married life was perfect. From the day that Gill proposed until right before I walked down the aisle, I had the irrational fear that Gill would end up being just like being like everybody else: perfect on the surface and riddled with something ugly on the inside. But when we were reading our vows, I knew everything was alright. So much had been shared between us. There had been no stone left unturned as I had told him everything about myself. Perhaps in a world where even a little town like ours was plagued with problems, we were the exception to the rule.

As I left the clinic and stepped outside onto the light blanket of snow, the combination of the cold air and my excitement made me jittery. I giggled as the exhilaration welled up inside me. I needed to share this with somebody. Because the inn was right in my line of sight, I immediately thought of telling Maya, though as quickly as the thought came to my mind, I immediately dismissed it. Maya had been incredibly moody since Chase got married and while I would tell her eventually, I didn't want her to bring my mood down. That actually sounds kind of selfish on my part, but I was just way too happy to care. I thought about going to tell Candace and Grandma, but I knew that there was somebody who deserved to know first: Gill.

I had to contain my excitement with every step, as I didn't want to slip and fall on the snow on my way home. But when I arrived, the entire house was dark. Neither Gill nor my father-in-law, Mayor Hamilton, were home. Now that's weird, I thought to myself. Both of them were there when I left for my appointment, but I was more concerned with finding Gill. I stepped outside again, but I didn't see anybody else outside. He could be anywhere, but I had a few guesses on where he could be. The most probable place was the mayor's office. Considering that Gill often had to cover both the Mayor's work and his own, there were days where he'd spend a bit longer at the office or he'd go there on his day off, such as that day. But when I arrived there, I saw that the lights were off and the door was locked.

Maybe he's in his back office, I thought. I had a spare key for the office on my key ring, so getting in was easy. Sure enough, while no light peaked through the cracks of the door to Gill's office, I could hear voices: his and a woman's…

That was enough to instantly flush out all my excitement and fill the space it left with paranoia, disregarding all the great things I thought of Gill and how much I trusted him. But I kept myself calm, remembering my exercises. Benefit of the doubt. He's probably meeting with Mira about her foreclosure or something. Another depressing situation, as the poor widow couldn't afford to pay off her home that her husband had bought, as her finances had drained over the years. But as I inched closer, I could tell that the other voice was not Mira's. I was about to turn the door handle when I could hear the voices clearly now.

"I wish… I wish we didn't have to meet like this."

"Neither do I, but what choice do we have? I just can't… stay away…" Gill's voice answered.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you think that all of your senses have suddenly failed you? That sudden line of dialogue that made me believe that everything I knew about Gill was a lie after everything we had been through. That was enough for me to confirm that my sudden paranoia was justified, but I needed to see it to believe it after the past year of convincing myself that Gill could do no wrong by me. What I heard… it couldn't be true, could it? When I finally peaked through the cracked open door, I saw what I was expecting, but I was horrified nonetheless. Gill was standing at his desk that a young woman was sitting on, their arms enclosing each other as they kissed. That woman was Molly.

Maybe I should have said something right there. Maybe I should have barged in and demanded an explanation as many people would expect me to in this sort of situation. But I couldn't. My adrenaline was rushing through my veins; so much so, that I couldn't move. But once Gill leaned her back onto the desk, I couldn't stand there anymore. But instead of confronting them like I wanted to, I just left quietly, my eyes wide open with dismay. This didn't make any sense. I needed to understand this somehow. In the moment, I felt like I was in a nightmare, but I knew I was wide awake, which was even scarier.

I probably should have said this earlier, but now is a relevant point as any, I guess: I never liked Molly. In hindsight, it's easy to say things like that after you see the woman who's having an affair with your husband, but my dislike for her extended long before I caught her with Gill. I could never really explain why I didn't like her. She seemed nice enough and she worked hard, but something about her seemed… too perfect. Does that make any sense? Not only did she seem like she could do no wrong, but it seemed like everybody believed it too. And how could they not? I mean, she rang the bells and saved Castanet. But my dislike towards her grew when she started dating Chase, just because of Maya's infatuation with the chef. Maya once told me that she believed Molly was only dating Chase because Molly knew that she liked him, and while I comforted her, despite my bias, even I didn't believe that. I never made my dislike of Molly public, namely because everybody liked her, she saved the town, and up until what I saw, I had no basis to ground my dislike for her. I decided that I did not want to be like Kathy, and so, I kept my mouth shut, which is pretty difficult for me to do. The only person who knew was Gill, but I rarely even talked about that with him. There was no real reason to rant about it when Molly and I barely interacted to begin with.

"Gill… Why?" I murmured to myself as I sat on the sofa in our house and stared off into space. I hadn't cried yet. I just walked home and sat there for about an hour, trying to understand what I had seen. This made no sense. Gill had always been so genuine with me. When he told me he loved me, I believed him. Maybe he still does… I pondered sadly, but how could somebody that loves you do that? And it must have happened before if Gill said that he "couldn't stay away." What confused me the most was that I had no idea how they were even close to begin with. I had never seen them talk much outside of the brief greeting on the street or small talk at festivals. If they were at least obvious friends, maybe I'd understand how this was possible… maybe…

So many things rushed in and out of my mind. Was this why Gill was always staying extended hours at work? No… that couldn't be it. There were a few nights where I'd bring him dinner. Had I just gotten lucky (or unlucky) tonight? I thought of Chase… poor Chase. He was married to Molly after all and she was cheating on him. Had he have been with Maya, he wouldn't have had this issue. I wonder if he knew about this affair or if he was as oblivious as I was. Another thing that worried about was that Molly was pregnant (one month longer than me as she had announced a month ago). What if that was Gill's baby? And how long had this been going on? Maybe before Gill and I even got married? And why was it happening to begin with? So many questions and no answers or reasons to guide me…

"Molly…" I growled, clenching my small fist. I knew you were too good to be true. You did this. You took Gill from me. I swear, I'll… I'll… I knew it wasn't that simple. As much as I wanted to say that Molly did this to me, I know it wasn't all her fault. Gill was doing this to me as well. If he "couldn't stay away" as he said he couldn't, he had been a part of this on his own volition. Why? Was it something I did? I thought everything was fine. I thought he was happy with me and he wouldn't want to do something like this. If was still seeing that psychologist, I'd know she'd try to get me to realize that Gill's actions may not have been my fault, but when you're in a state of shock and your negative thoughts have been triggered, it's hard to think rationally.

The door opened and somebody entered. I wasn't ready to talk to anybody, but I had no choice in the matter when Gill sat on the cushion next to me.

"Are you well? You look like you've seen a ghost."

As he touched my shoulder, I looked at him, but I just stared blankly. What I did notice was that his clothes and his light blonde hair were perfect, like they hadn't been jostled at all. In the movies, whenever somebody has a steamy affair in their work clothes, they end up leaving it looking disheveled. Not Gill. It looked as if nothing had happened. Also, his touch was gentle, his voice concerned, and his expression looked like he genuinely cared. No wonder I couldn't see it. But was this real? Did he actually care or was this just an act? Was it always just an act?

"I see you didn't make dinner… that's okay, do you want to go out for dinner instead?"

I couldn't listen to this anymore. I had no idea what to do or say, so I just shook my head. "I need to… I need to be alone." As I stood up, Gill gently clasped my hand.

"Luna, whatever's wrong, we can talk about it. You know that, right?"

That line used to work so well with me, but it took all I had to not lash out at him right there. "I just need to go for a walk. I'll be back in an hour." For some reason, he didn't protest any further. Maybe he figured that I needed time. Maybe, he could just sense that I knew about him and Molly. It didn't matter to me. I had no idea what was what anymore.

That's how I ended up sitting at the edge of Harmonica Town's pier with nothing but my little red coat to keep me and the baby warm. How my day shifted, from excitement about the baby to despair for finding Gill in the arms of another woman and confusion as to why it was happening.

I looked down into the surprisingly calm water, seeing my pale face and my pink hair reflecting back at me in the moonlight. I didn't look sad. Nobody would be able to tell and nobody was around to comfort me if they could. That, combined with the location gave me an idea that I had shut out for some time.

I could do it right now. All it would take is a heavy stone tied to my ankle. I had pictured this scenario many times when I was at my worst. That chilly scenario gave me a sort of warm comfort; that I could escape if I had no other options. But I wasn't quite there yet. Not today at least. I had the baby to think about. I still had friends who would comfort me if need be. But I didn't know if I wanted to say anything. I didn't know what to do at all.

What would happen if I confronted Gill? What would he say? That he still loved me, but he couldn't resist temptation? If him cheating was just a onetime thing, maybe I could forgive him, but I knew that that wasn't the case. Or what if he said that he didn't love me anymore or that he never loved me at all?

That was where things would get complicated. I don't think I could go back to the way things were, but how could I live with him. But what other choice did I have? I thought of divorce, but I didn't know if I could go through with that. Divorce was taboo in Castanet. It hadn't been done in years and when it had happened, one person would usually flat out leave. I knew I couldn't do that; try to start a new life with a baby on the way, away from my family and friends. And Gill definitely wouldn't leave. Not with his political aspirations. He'd definitely want me to keep me quiet if he knew that I knew, just for that.

Would people even believe me? I'm not sure (I'm sure Gill would publicly deny his to his grave unless I had photographic evidence). Even if they did believe me, that would ruin Gill's career. As much as hated Gill in that moment, I didn't want to ruin his life. It was the last thing on my mind. But I knew it would if it went public. So what if I did it privately? Could we handle the issue without it joining the constant gossip? I didn't know what would happen or if things would get better. If I did stay with Gill and the secret was out, I'd feel like it would just create a poisonous environment, filled with resentment.

A thought crossed my mind… What if I just didn't say anything? That was so unlike me, but I was really considering it. Despite the fact that Gill was cheating, I would never have known it. To my face, he had been treating me like a princess, and he would probably treat me even better if he knew I was pregnant. Assuming he didn't plan on running off with Molly or anything, maybe he'd continue to treat me well? Could I just act like I never saw a thing and pretend to live as if everything was okay? I could still live comfortably and our child would be happy with a mother and father. But even if that worked, I would still know the truth. That ugly truth that the life I gave up my dreams for wouldn't be perfect after all…

I knew that life wasn't perfect. I had accepted that long ago, recognizing the flaws on the tapestry. But somehow, I deluded myself into believing that after all I had gone through, the possibility of things going wrong was gone. But this was just fate's way of humbling me. Looking up at the rising moon, I decided that it was time to go home. Go home and continue to think about what to do. But as I stood up, I looked at the icy water one more time, I saw one good thing: a perfect way out. Maybe not today. Maybe not ever. But as sad as it was, I knew that this was one of the few things that I could always count on.