There is a hole in Sadie's heart, one she didn't realize could open up so brutally, sit raw on her chest with such an intense sting.
It will never be filled, she knows it will never scar over just right like other grief can and will.
At least, that's what it feels like when she glimpses Carter's stiff pale face.
Nobody is bothering her, not even Amos, they all know better than to get close and try bringing any comfort. For the moment, Sadie can't take it, can't speak or do anything besides sit and sit and watch her brother lie still.
Doing nothing at all is best, because she can focus on the gaping empty feeling without some pointless distraction, like tears or soothing words from someone else who will never grasp this exact feeling.
On an impulse, Sadie reaches out, touches Carter's tight curls. Her fingers tremble when they brush over his forehead too, and she's surprised by how dull his skin is now, compared with her own living hand. Sadie is so used to him looking alive and warm, knowing that this dark-skinned boy is her brother without them looking the least bit alike.
No more are you two actually related? He won't be there for the question to be asked.
Sadie has no brother.
Amos managed to adjust Carter's jacket just right when they laid him out, so now Sadie can't see any of the blood, blood that was all over his shirt when he collapsed and died. She's glad for it, because it was such a little wound, something he could have pushed away if he'd turned just right and stopped it entirely.
Such a small thing to have taken him from her.
Or maybe Sadie could have healed it (though really, she knows better if she really thinks), if she hadn't fumbled with the stopper on the potion Jaz gave her for this, if she could have stopped her shaking hands and pulled up a better glyph for stopping the blood-
So many what ifs.
So many maybes, things that could have happened differently and changed the course of their own private history.
Not that it matters. She can't change a thing; she can only keep going.
Though Sadie will have to wait a few days, before she knows if she can handle the rest of her life.
She looks at Carter again, wonders if she would've felt the same had he died before Christmas Eve, when he was still with their father – of course, now he's back with their father forever – and the two of them were distant at best.
No doubt she would grieve, she'd be upset, but she can't imagine it would be the same, this sharp, white-hot pain that she's taking on so quietly now.
Amos says that embalmers will come from the House of Life, to take care of the body and make sure Carter gets to the afterlife with no trouble. Sadie will leave then; she'll probably stay off this floor until they're through, because she knows how the mummified look.
She doesn't want to think of her handsome brother embalmed and buried and gone.
With any luck, he won't need the right funeral to get there, because it will be wholly unfair if he hits a problem on the way and doesn't get the best end he could. Sadie is sure Anubis will take special care in getting Carter to Osiris, at least, if only for Sadie's sanity and sake.
No doubt his heart will be the right weight, after all they've tried to do. No doubt their parents will greet him and he can be happy by the Duat's Nile.
Though she already knows she'll dream of Ammit getting his heart instead.
Without really thinking about it, Sadie reaches out, adjusts Carter's collar, smooths down his coat. For a moment, she lets her hands rest on his, folded on his chest. He could be sleeping.
She enjoys that little fantasy, for half a second, closing her eyes to black out her reality. He is only sleeping. He'll be up any minute, then he'll make fun of her for keeping such a good vigil at his bedside.
Sadie hears Felix crying outside.
That surprises her, because it's a reminder that there are other people in Brooklyn House mourning Carter, other people besides Sadie that will miss him and wonder what would have happened had he stayed alive.
Amos has lost another family member, and he is probably feeling the same sting as Sadie. She hasn't thought of that.
She will not think of Zia. What could have happened there, now that Zia had started looking at him the same way Carter always had her?
She stands up. Smooths down her clothes, makes herself presentable.
She brings her fingers to her lips. Sadie has never been one for physical affection. But she lets her hand linger at her mouth, lowers her hand. She brings the kiss to Carter's forehead and leaves it there.
Then she leaves the room, because nobody has come to stop Felix's crying, and maybe if Sadie can then the hole will at least scab over.
Author's Note: I'm not sure what I've done here, but it's pretty horrible. I guess you can draw your own conclusions about previous events, and what will happen afterwards. This is more of a focus on Sadie's character itself. Also, I'm sorry.