A/N: This is the first Seblaine fic I've written in months.. I hope you all like it. It wasn't supposed to be this long but certain characters kept talking to me. I may or may not continue with it, but I thought it was strong enough as a one shot to not need more chapters. Please review!
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own anything…
Take Me Back to the Start
Dear Blaine-
Hey it's Sebastian. But I assume you already know that because my handwriting is most likely unknown to you. It's pretty cheesy, now that I think of it, that I'm writing you a letter. I could just Facebook message you or text. Or phone call. But you probably wouldn't read them or answer the phone. This way it's dramatic enough, so you, that you would just have to read it. If you were ever wondering what I was writing in the Lima Bean all those months ago when you, Kurt, Santana, and Brittany came in, this was it. If you check the back there's a lot of scratch marks. I couldn't form words then that I think I can now.
I'm sending this because I know we'll never see each other again. Why would you want to? You probably think I was in on Hunter's plan to get you back. Well I did know he took the trophy, but I didn't know he would make a deal. It was just supposed to be a way to get you to come to Dalton. He was supposed to give it back to you when you left, no matter what you decided. I was originally going to call you and get you to come but I knew you wouldn't answer. You were happy. You didn't need me. Hunter said he'd do it but I didn't know it would involve breaking and entering. Don't hate him. He's a good kid. My friend, sort of. He just has his priorities out of order. Sort of like how I did last year.
I want to start by thanking you, something I don't think I've done before. I don't think I've ever thanked anyone, at least not a real thank you. Most of them were accompanied by a smirk and a condescending tone. My trademark, right? Well anyways, I want to thank you for being a friend. God this is excruciating to write. I know we weren't friends for that long before I messed everything up. Like always. But you were the first person to ever take an interest in me that wasn't the carnal one. You gave me a chance. I was tired for a long time and you made me wake up. And I thank you for that.
And I want to apologize, for everything, again. I know I've said it countless times. In person before Regionals, on the phone after, on the phone when you were fighting with Kurt, on the phone before Nationals, and in person when you ran into me at Wal-Mart. And you accepted all but the first time, though I suspect you only said what you did because of who was around you. I don't blame you. I wouldn't have forgiven me either. But I still felt like you weren't hearing me, like you were distracted. I have your full attention now, so please listen. I apologize for how I acted when I first met you. I treated you like a piece of meat. If I knew then what I knew now I would have treated you better. I was an idiot. I apologize for what happened after Scandals though I'd like to think that it wasn't all my fault. You need a better alcohol stomach buddy. I apologize for everything I said and did to Kurt, Santana, Rachel, and all your other public school people. Now some of it was deserved but that didn't mean I had to say it. And once again I'm truly sorry for your eye. We both know I wasn't aiming for you or anyone's eye but that doesn't matter. We know what I did that day. I took the one person who looked at me like I was a person and I pushed him as far away as I could. Because I wanted to win. Maybe me and Hunter aren't that different after all. Even if the slushy didn't hit you, if it hit the wheelchair kid's wheels, it would have ruined whatever it was that we had. You knew where I stood. And I wasn't backing down.
When I met you I wasn't in a good place. I'm not going to give you a sob story. Everyone has theirs and I don't think mine is all sob worthy. I told you a lot about myself last year. I'd like to think it was the truth, but it wasn't everything. My life had stopped moving. I don't know when it stopped, probably sometime before I moved back to America. Life halted and dragged on, and I was trying to find some purpose. My life had turned grey. You added color to that, to my monochrome life, and I was stupid enough to let you go. It still is pretty grey, but I'd like to think that would change soon. I'm leaving. I don't know when, but soon. If it weren't for you I'm sure I would have done worse than I did at the beginning of this year. This is the point in the letter where I would declare my love for you but I won't. I don't understand what it means to be in love with someone. I doubt I ever will.
I hope you have a merry Christmas and I hope you find happiness, whether it with Hummel or someone else. I'm sorry you lost the person that you love, for whatever reason. Just don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you know I mean every word of this. Why would I lie? And for what it's worth, I do love you Blaine Anderson, whatever that means.
Your friend,
Sebastian Smythe
Sebastian sighed and sealed the letter in its envelope, scribbling Blaine on the cover. He now had to figure out just how to get his letter to the other boy. He could be like a normal person and put it in the mailbox, but he didn't know if Blaine would read it because of the return address. He could also go up to his school and hand it to him himself, but he hated that idea. Sebastian made up his mind to never go into a public school again. And he wouldn't knowing there were other easier and more dramatic ways to get the letter to Blaine.
"Ow, what the hell? Why does the door handle shock you when you touch it?" Two voices could be heard outside his door. Sebastian hit a button on the underside of the table, opening the door and allowing the boys in. "Dude, what was that?" Jeff asked, shaking his injured hand.
"Hunter is really strict about who gets in our room," Sebastian answered without looking up.
"Well goddammit you'd think he was running a meth lab in here," he responded while looking around the room for something.
"I highly doubt it. It's a bit of a pain how against drugs and alcohol our new leader is."
"Yeah, like the one we had before was so much better," Nick joked. Sebastian smirked a little at that. The whole friendship thing was new to him but he was getting a hang of it.
"So why are you here anyway?"
"Just dropping off something for Hunter," Jeff replied, placing a bag on his roommate's bed.
"Should I ask?"
"No probably not." The two were grinning mischievously and Sebastian was suddenly glad he wouldn't be there to see Hunter find out what was in the bag.
"So what's in the box?" Sebastian asked, noticing a black box in Nick's hands for the first time.
"Christmas present for Blaine."
"Then why are you carrying it around?" Sebastian was interested. This could help him out a lot.
"We were looking for wrapping paper, you got any?" Sebastian cocked his eyebrow as if to say 'Of all people, why would I have festive things?' "Well anyway, wanna know what it is?" Nick asked excitedly. Sebastian shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. Jeff took the box from his friend and opened it to reveal a box set of the entire Dark Knight Trilogy.
"He's a total loser and doesn't own the first two. It's a shame really." If there was one thing Sebastian knew about his fellow Warbler, it was his love of Batman, and Sebastian didn't pay attention to people's interests often.
"Let me see it." Sebastian was struck with an idea. This would work. He pulled out The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises and slid his letter in between them. Blaine would be sure to see it then.
"What are you doing?" Nick asked, as if he was afraid Sebastian was stealing one of the DVDs. As if. He'd had The Dark Knight Rises before it even hit theaters. Being a Smythe was fun.
"Don't write your name on it, you are not a part of this!" Jeff hissed. "Get Blaine your own present, Smythe."
"I, uh, had a Christmas card for him. I just put it in there since I ran out of stamps to mail it." It made sense, Sebastian thought. He rarely mailed things, and therefore had no stamps.
"He's an eighteen-year-old boy. Why would he want a Christmas card?" Jeff asked skeptically. Sebastian shrugged. "You could have just taped it to the front, you know." Why are you such a pain, Jeff, Sebastian thought.
"I just didn't want it to fall off in the mail."
"Oh well we're not mailing it," Jeff said. "I think he's still mad over the trophy thing and won't answer our calls. We're giving it to his friend Sam to give to him."
"Yeah, if we mail it he probably won't open it. Sam'll make sure he gets it." Sebastian nodded. This was working well for him. He didn't know which one was Sam but he assumed he would make sure Blaine got it.
"Which one's Sam?"
"The blond one," Nick answered as he took the box back from the other boy.
"Oh, blowjob lips," Sebastian laughed to himself before realizing he'd said that out loud. That was a joke between him and Blaine, well at least it used to be.
"Yeah you haven't changed have you?" Jeff asked laughing.
"Not at all. Get the hell out of my room before Hunter gets back and thinks I'm hoarding twinks in my room," Sebastian said with faux authority. He hoped they got the joke. Most people didn't understand his sarcasm.
"Yeah, yeah we're leaving." The two walked to the door, and just before they reached to open it, Sebastian hit the button underneath the table. The doorknob sent a small voltage of electricity through Jeff's hand again. Sebastian laughed as he met Nick's eye. Friendship wasn't too bad. A chorus of 'GODFUCKINGDAMMIT SMYTHE' could be heard down the wing. Sebastian pushed the door shut and hit the button again. Hunter wouldn't find being shocked as funny as the others did.
Getting the newly wrapped package to Sam Evans was a lot harder than both Nick and Jeff had anticipated. They assumed they would meet the other boy at the mall or after school, like normal people. But Sam insisted the two attend he and his girlfriend's Mayan wedding held in the boys' locker room of McKinley High. When one usually thought of weddings, the smell of jock straps was usually replaced with those of flowers. Nick handed the present over quickly, breathing through his mouth. He wouldn't be surprised if someone had died from stench in one of those rooms. Sam promised he would give it to his friend, and his girlfriend asked if Nick and Jeff were elves. Maybe Sebastian is right about public schools. Nick thought as he dragged Jeff out into the fresh air of Lima, Ohio. He did not envy Blaine in gym class.
"Dude I don't think you need to bring text books with you for break." Sam Evans stood talking to Blaine at his friend's locker while he emptied things into his bag.
"I just want to make sure I'm a little ahead on things for when we get back. I always get confused when Gonzalez goes on his rants." Blaine put an AP Biology book into his already overfilled bag.
"You're already ahead, you know. I think you took this class a few years ago." Blaine nodded. His friend was probably right. Dalton academics were much better than those at McKinley. "Well anyway, I gotta give you this," Sam said, handing over a box wrapped in candy cane paper. Blaine gave a questioning look.
"Did you seriously get me something?" He asked, slightly mortified. That meant he'd have to get Sam something, too, and he was the world's worst Christmas shopper.
"No it's from Nick and Jeff," Sam replied, looking at the tag. "They thought you wouldn't open it if they mailed it. It's my job to make sure you do."
"Do they really think I'm mad at them?" Blaine said to himself. "That ordeal was Hunter and Sebastian's idea not theirs." Sam shrugged, unsure of what his friend was talking about. "Well you can tell them that you made sure I opened it," Blaine said as he began to rip at the paper.
"No!" Sam said too loudly, causing a cheerleader with a neck brace to turn around. Even after his time with the Cheerios, Blaine was still unsure of her name. "You open it at Christmas!" Sam pulled Blaine's hand away from the badly wrapped gift.
"But I'll be in New York," Blaine said with a faint smile. "I'm not gonna bring it with me."
"Why not? Open it with Kurt. Blaine agreed, hoping it wasn't a box of condoms or something else equally embarrassing. He finished packing his things and said goodbye to Sam. He didn't let on how both excited and scared he was about going to New York. He didn't know what to do.
The flight to New York with Mr. Hummel was surprisingly more enjoyable than Blaine thought it would be. Due to his status as a congressman, Burt was able to get them first class seats. Blaine hadn't been in first class since his freshman year when the Warblers had gone to Nationals, only to come in 17th. Last time he'd come to New York he was in coach with a family of twelve kids and the parents didn't remember half their names.
He didn't know whether to start up a conversation with Burt. The whole idea that his ex(?)- boyfriend's dad was paying for him to fly up and see the said boyfriend was a bit awkward to stomach. But, hey, at least someone knew how sorry he was. Hearing about Burt's cancer devastated Blaine. He felt even guiltier. Kurt was about to get a bomb dropped on him and then his cheater boyfriend was going to see him? He should have just stayed home, but Burt insisted Kurt wanted to see Blaine, too. All he could hope for was the conversation they promised to have. Then he would move on. He would be okay. He put his head back in the seat and sighed. Christmas wasn't supposed to be stressful.
Blaine wasn't surprised to find Kurt acting coldly to him. He would have acted coldly to him, too, if he were in Kurt's position. Rachel had gone on a cruise with her dads, which ended up making Blaine feel more uncomfortable. If she had been there at least one person would have been happy to see him. Ice skating did not go as well as he had hoped. The singing was fun, as was watching the coincidentally placed talented skaters. He was just glad to see Kurt smile a few times, even if it didn't fully reach his eyes. Christmas went better than suspected even if it felt a bit colder, and not in the literal sense, than Blaine thought Christmas should. That evening the three of them were watching basketball, much to Kurt's dismay, when Blaine remembered what was in his bag. He left and quickly came back with the box from Nick and Jeff.
"You did not get me something," Kurt said accusingly. Blaine shook his head and he turned the box in his hands.
"No it's mine from Nick and Jeff. They made me promise to open it today." Kurt smirked at the mention of his old friends. They could be very persuasive.
"Well go ahead and open it, maybe it's something useful!" Gifts always excited Kurt, even if they weren't for him. Blaine had some difficulty with the paper; it seemed as if the two had wrapped it in about seven layers. After some time he was able to pull out the gift. He smiled and showed it to Kurt who chuckled. He didn't mind the movies but never understood Blaine's love of them. Burt suggested they have a marathon, and about halfway through The Dark Knight Blaine noticed the envelope shoved between two of the movies. It was white and his name was written on it; the ink was smeared from being jammed in the box. Blaine didn't recognize it as any handwriting he'd ever seen, and for a reason unknown to him he placed it under his leg. He had a feeling he shouldn't open it around Kurt though he did not know why. Once the third movie began and Kurt's attention was solely on Vogue Blaine quietly opened the envelope and read what was inside.
He felt his heart sink as soon as he began reading. If this letter had been given to him four months ago he would have thrown it away and not worried over it, no matter whether he believed Sebastian's apology or not. But this wasn't four months ago. This was now. He was in New York City experiencing the least festive Christmas of his life. He even felt his eyes tear up as he read the end of the letter. He didn't know what to make of it, and as was his custom, he folded it back up and pretended he didn't receive it. He would worry about this later. He didn't travel this far to worry about Sebastian.
Not long after the third movie finished the three decided it was time to turn in. Kurt went to his room, Burt to Rachel's, which left Blaine to the couch. He didn't mind. Kurt handed him a blanket from the closet and he pulled up over his shoulders. He really needed sleep. As he fidgeted on the couch he felt the abandoned envelope stab him in the temple. It was too late to fret over anything that was written to him, but he could do something. Blaine sat up and scrolled through his contacts. He found what he was looking for between the names Sam Evans and Sugar Motta. He should have deleted the number ages ago but something told him to keep it. Maybe this was it.
"Hey who is this?" A bored voice answered after the third ring.
"Hey, its Blaine," he responded timidly. A wave of nervousness washed over him and he wasn't sure why. He didn't feel this nervous talking to Kurt, even after all that had happened.
"Oh hey. Sorry I got a new phone. I have all the numbers but the names don't match," Sebastian added quickly.
"Right," Blaine said, seeing through the lie. But hey, at least Sebastian was talking to him.
"So I assume you're calling because you got my letter." Blaine froze, unsure of where the conversation was going next. "Now probably isn't the best time to have this discussion, ya know. You in your boyfriend's apartment, or whatever you two are, and me in my big lonely house about to get wasted." Sebastian's sheer nonchalance at explaining what he was about to do worried Blaine. He didn't say it in a 'Oh hey look at me getting drunk' sort of way. He sounded lonely.
"H-how'd you know I'm in New York?"
"How do you think I got the letter to you?" Sebastian asked, his usual snarky tone back. Blaine felt more at ease with this Sebastian than the other one.
"Oh okay. But no I'm not calling about that. I'm just calling to say merry Christmas." Blaine hoped Sebastian wouldn't laugh at him because he was too tired to be mocked.
"Well thanks. You, too."
"So, I was wondering if-"
"-no. We're not talking about it now," Sebastian interrupted, his voice gaining an angry edge.
"That's not it. I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out or something when I get back. I leave the day after tomorrow." Blaine suddenly felt very warm and shaky inside, if that was a way to describe how he felt. It was close to the same feeling he got when he volunteered Kurt to sing Candles with him almost two years previously. He didn't understand anything anymore.
"Yeah sure. Just call me when you get back. I have beer to get to." Blaine chuckled. He hadn't changed. "Bye, Blaine."
"Bye Sebastian," he said into the receiver before hanging up and sitting back down on the couch. He laid his head on the hard couch pillow, exhausted, and, as if on cue, his phone vibrated loudly. Blaine sighed, secretly hoping it was Sebastian, something that scared him. He was thankful to see the caller ID read Sam's name. He didn't need any more stress that night. "Hey Sam!" He said happily into the phone. He was glad to talk to someone that wasn't surrounded by stress and problems. His friend apologized for not calling earlier, saying he spent the holiday with Brittany's family. Blaine commented on the danger of that, but the sarcasm went over Sam's head, as usual. After hanging up he fell into a dreamless sleep.
The next day, Blaine's last in New York, was destined to be a difficult one. Not long after the three had risen and had their morning coffee, Burt declared he was heading out into the city alone. He claimed he wanted to go to the ESPN store, something the boys wouldn't be interested in (which was actually not true, Blaine did want to go, but he kept quiet because he knew that was Burt's way of leaving the two together.) Once Burt had left, Kurt snuck into his room and began making phone calls to people Blaine didn't know. He thought he heard something along the lines of 'Brody, help' and 'Isabel can I work today?' but he didn't think much of it. He was still going over in his head how he was going to talk to Kurt. It had to be done.
When the smell of food was too much to bear, Kurt wandered into the kitchen to find Blaine cooking. Kurt smiled and went over to help him. Soon the two were laughing and talking like nothing was wrong. It was the most comfortable they had felt around each other since before Kurt left. But they both knew it wouldn't last.
"So you were on the phone last night," Kurt said to a TV engrossed Blaine as he finished cleaning the dishes.
"Yup. With Sam," Blaine answered without looking up.
"And Sebastian," Kurt added. Blaine closed his eyes and mentally groaned. He knew this was coming but he wasn't happy about it.
"Yup."
"Why?" Sebastian is not who we're supposed to be talking about, Blaine thought.
"Just to say merry Christmas."
"That's an odd thing to say to someone who threw a slushy at you." Kurt said, a slight anger hidden in his voice.
"Well I think you said the same to Finn yesterday so I don't see what your problem is." Blaine hadn't meant to sound harsh. He just wanted this conversation to end so he could begin the one he'd wanted since Thanksgiving.
"It's different. He apologized."
"So did Sebastian," Blaine added flatly, eyes still on the screen though he wasn't sure what he was watching.
"But h-"
"-no more about Sebastian, okay?" Blaine turned to look at Kurt for the first time. "We spent too much time last year talking about him when we should have been talking about other things." He held eye contact and tried to not look angry, though he could feel the familiar turn of his stomach and the instinctual pull of hands to punch something.
"Like what?" Kurt asked, making it obvious he knew what Blaine was talking about.
"This, Kurt! Look we spent half of last year over reacting to things that didn't deserve it and ignoring things that deserved our attention. And look where that led us!" His voice was rising involuntarily. He'd been planning this conversation since Sectionals and only now did he know how truly angry he was. "I flew up here to have a 'heart-to-heart'," he added air quotes, "but we've done our best to ignore each other this whole time."
"Well maybe I just don't know what to say," Kurt said calmly.
"And you think I do? I don't know what I'm doing Kurt, but I know we have to do something. We have to sit down and talk about this. Not just the future but the past, too. I can go on for days about how sorry I am, and I truly am, but that doesn't erase any of the faults we bo-"
"Who was it?" Kurt's jaw clenched as he stared up at the now standing Blaine.
"It doesn't matter," Blaine answered, annoyed.
"Yes it does. Who was it? Was it Sebastian?"
"No!" Blaine was surprised at how loud he yelled. "No it wasn't Sebastian. It doesn't matter who it was. You have to stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Blaming this on anyone other than me. You do this all the time. You always have that one person or thing you blame all your problems on. Whether it's being gay or Sebastian or anyone else, I'm tired of it. It's time to stop the victim act and talk to me."
"I think I was the victim in this situation," Kurt said flatly. Blaine groaned and threw his head back. He wasn't ever this openly irritated. He was afraid of saying the wrong thing.
"I know that Kurt. I know. The fact is, though I cheated, we can't just sit here and act like we were perfect before I did. I thought we were." Blaine sat down and tried to calm himself down. "But I always knew deep down that we weren't. I was afraid of being left alone, both physically and emotionally, and that's what happened. I did the worst thing I could have, but I can't ignore how I felt then." Kurt crossed his legs and pursed his lips. This was going to be hard. "I was lonely. I know you have your new life and your new friends, but was it all too glamorous to forget me?"
"I didn't forget you," Kurt said, his voice softer than before.
"Maybe not but you acted like I was something that would always be there. It seemed to me that you expected me to not have feelings about you being gone and for me to just patiently wait 'til I graduate. It doesn't work that way. If you had just picked up one of my million calls we could have had this discussion and ended things before I did something stupid." Blaine closed his eyes and told himself not to cry or yell. This was an adult discussion now.
"Well maybe for once I was glad to be out of your shadow." Blaine sighed. He knew this was coming.
"My shadow? Kurt, I'm the one who changed my entire life. I switched schools for you. I lost contact with my closest friends for you and I was put in an environment where I felt uncomfortable every day for you. I flew up here on Christmas to talk to you. Did you know Cooper came home this year? It's the first time since his graduation that we would have had Christmas together, and I flew up here to have a discussion with you that you obviously don't want to have."
"Don't act like you hated it at McKinley."
"Yeah, maybe I didn't. Because you were there. But now you're not and I realized how alone I was there. Did you know that half of them still call me 'Blaine Warbler'? And not just Brittany. Maybe Hunter was right." Blaine added the last sentence to himself.
"Who's Hunter?" Kurt asked condescendingly.
"Just some guy from Dalton, don't worry about it."
"Oh, you got another one after you?"
"No. He's straight. Just stop and hear me through." He hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be.
"But my point is that I don't belong there, Kurt. Did you know I was going to go back to Dalton a few weeks ago? But I didn't. I didn't tell Sam or Finn this, but I knew that if I left McKinley I would lose all my ties to you. And I didn't want to do that. Not until we talked. So tell me, what's your decision?" Kurt looked at his feet, deep in thought.
"How am I supposed to know that?" The anger and patronization was gone from his face, and Blaine was glad. He was finally opening up to him again.
"You're the only one that can. I see it this way. You have two options. One, you take me back and we figure this out. And two, you tell me to get the hell out of here and never come back." Blaine ached saying those words but he knew they were true. There was nothing else to be done.
"But, but I don't see why those are my only choices. Can't we try to be friends again?" Kurt's voice was so full of sadness that Blaine instantly remembered the other boy's face when he told him how horrible his public school was. That day started it all, really. That was the day Blaine met not only someone to love, but his best friend as well. It didn't dawn on him until then exactly how much he would be losing.
"I want to, believe me I do." A small, warm tear fell down Blaine's cheek but he didn't bother to wipe it off. "But it can't happen right away. If we say we're splitting but still talk like friends, how can we expect to not fall back into the same pattern as before? If we want things to change, they really have to change."
"I don't want it to." Kurt said, practically whispering. Blaine realized he was crying as well.
"Me neither, but we can't lead each other on anymore. We have to take a break from each other, and if the universe wants it, then we will find each other again. Whether that will be romantically or platonically, I don't know. But I know that we can't force anything. We'll just hurt each other again." Blaine had practiced those words like an exam on the plane ride there. They were so much less emotional in his head than they were out loud.
"Well," Kurt blinked hard, "in that case I guess we know what we have to do." Blaine nodded slowly. This was it. Like Kurt said months ago, this was one of those crossroad moments in life. So was that night with Eli. The only difference was that Blaine knew he was doing the right thing this time.
"Goodbye Kurt," Blaine said through tears.
"Goodbye Blaine." Kurt gave him a quick hug before retreating back to his room.
After calming down Blaine realized it was pretty melodramatic of them to say goodbye when he still had one more night to spend at the apartment. To clear his mind he went down to Central Park and walked around for a while, just appreciating the simple beauty of it all. He loved how the park never changed. It was its own little paradise inside a world of chaos. He used to think that about he and Kurt, too. He used to think they were something special, but he wasn't so sure anymore. If they were so special, how did things end like this?
Being on Hunter Clarington's good side had only a few perks, but one of them was being able to choreograph anything and everything. It wasn't that Hunter was a bad dancer, because he definitely wasn't. He could do everything you threw at him. He just couldn't choreograph to save his life, thus prompting him to give the position to his right-hand man and possible best friend, Sebastian. Many had said the Warblers went downhill after Blaine left, but no one could deny how good their dancing had become. It wasn't that they didn't have talent before; it was that they didn't have someone to take charge and make them all dance their asses off. And that person was Sebastian.
Teaching the same routine for three hours was a less than preferable activity, but Sebastian soon felt better when he saw he had a missed call from Blaine. He hadn't expected the letter to change their relationship at all, but he couldn't help but grin stupidly when he heard the voicemail.
"Hey Sebastian, it's me. I got home yesterday and I wanted to know if you wanted to meet me at the Lima Bean or something. If that's too far for you to drive we can go somewhere else I don't care. Just, uh, call me back. Bye." He chuckled at the obvious nervousness in Blaine's voice. He called back and said he'd meet him an hour and half. He was the first Warbler out of the room and beat Hunter to the shower for the first time. December 28th was a good day/
Finding Blaine in a crowd of white preteen girls should have granted Sebastian an award of some sort. Blaine had a knack for being too nice, and thus letting the said white girls cut him in line in order to take pictures of their frappuccinos and tell the barista their name was Obama. Sebastian pushed through the girls and told Blaine he'd already got his coffee and a table. Blaine grinned and followed him.
"You still remember my order?"
"Of course I do. I watched the girl mess it up like twenty times while she asked her friend if it was legal to put Courvoisier in my coffee." Sebastian laughed at the memory and hoped Blaine remembered, too. He didn't want to seem like a stalker.
"Oh yeah that was funny." Blaine drank his coffee slowly without looking at the other boy.
"C'mon lighten up, remember I'm nice now," Sebastian said with a friendly wink. Blaine couldn't help but smile. He'd been worried about meeting him for hours. It wasn't like it was a date.
"Of course you are."
"Yeah. But your whole bashful schoolboy thing? Super hot," Sebastian said, mocking the way he'd said it last year. Blaine smiled and it reached his eyes.
December turned to January and Blaine found himself stressing over how he looked and acted around Sebastian more often than not. But to his dismay, the Warbler didn't seem half as interested in Blaine as Blaine was interested in him. Their hang out spots had moved beyond the Lima Bean and Blaine found himself alone with Sebastian in his dorm room, sitting on Hunter Clarington's frighteningly clean bed two to three times a week. By the end of January Blaine was conflicted on where he and Sebastian stood. Sometimes their relationship was no different than he and Sam's, but most of the time he felt there was something more. Something neither of them was ready or able to talk about.
Sebastian never mentioned the letter he sent Blaine on Christmas, the one where he told him loved him. Blaine never spoke if it either. He didn't want to embarrass Sebastian or make him uncomfortable, but at times it was hard to believe the person who wrote that was the same person he was spending most his time with. He felt that his friend was cold to him more than he warranted. He didn't know how Sebastian acted around people he considered his friends, so he wasn't sure if how he treated Blaine was any different. He knew he would have to talk to him eventually or he would mess things up with him like he had with Kurt.
The New Directions did not take long to jump on Blaine about what Warblers he spent his time with. He didn't understand why. It wasn't like they were rivals anymore. But yet they still took it upon themselves to have an opinion about his every move. Finn even pulled the 'How would Kurt feel if he knew you were with Smythe all the time?' card, one that should have angered Blaine but it ended up just annoying him. Before Kurt he'd never really felt anything vaguely romantic for anyone. There was Jeremiah, but that was more of Blaine wanting to be around another gay guy, not because of who the GAP worker was. But Sebastian made him feel things he hadn't in a long time, or never had. Of course the sexual aspect of their relationship was very on-the-fence. They hadn't touched each other in a way that could be described as anything other than friendly, but Blaine could feel the tension between them if they sat too closely and the familiar feeling of jealousy arose when Sebastian spoke of people he'd had sex with. Blaine never spoke of his feelings, romantic or sexual, because he felt that he would do something wrong. When he voiced this to Sugar she told him maybe it was because he was still hung up on Kurt, but he knew that wasn't the case. He still loved him, but it was in the first love sort of way. Their last conversation gave Blaine the closure he longed for, and on lonely Saturday nights he no longer felt the need to call a New York cell phone and listen to the answering machine. He was moving on and he no longer felt guilty if Sebastian was a part of that.
The new Sebastian scared him even if it was the same one he was infatuated with. He always knew how to deal with the old Sebastian, but the new one set him on edge. He still had the same sense of humor and was just as forward as he was before, but this version of him was tragically lonely as well. Sometimes he would say things casually that most people would either never reveal or would so emotionally. Blaine didn't know how to respond to this Sebastian because he knew he was much darker than he let on.
The first day of February, a Friday, found Blaine once again stressing over Sebastian. But this time he would do something about it. He threw a light sweater on and drove over the Dalton as quickly as he could. This would be resolved tonight. He still had his student ID from sophomore year so the receptionist let him in without any questions. She was new and probably thought he was still a student there. Blaine marched to the dorm section of the school and into the Heissenberger wing, where Sebastian's room was. Blaine found the room, 216H quickly enough and found a letter on the door. It read
Blaine-
Sebastian told me he might be expecting you tonight. The door is not secured, feel free to enter.
-Clarington
Blaine rolled his eyes. It had taken a month to get Hunter to give him the combination so he could avoid being electrocuted every time he went to visit Sebastian. Part of him was glad he didn't transfer back because he knew he wouldn't be able to handle The Clarington. He knocked twice on the door until he heard a voice tell him to come in. He pushed it open and entered the room. Sebastian was sitting at the table directly across from the door with a book in his hand. A laptop, papers, and a cup of cold coffee were set out in front of him. Blaine did not miss Dalton work.
"Hey," Sebastian said without looking up. There was a hostile air to the room, causing Blaine to walk slowly to stand in front of the other boy. He had felt a wall growing between them for weeks but never before could he sense it so strongly. Something had to change tonight.
"Hey," he breathed. "We need to talk."
"Why? You can see I'm doing something," Sebastian snapped. Blaine sighed but didn't move. He didn't drive up here to watch Sebastian read a book until Hunter came home.
"Well that can wait," Blaine said forcefully, walking over and taking the book from Sebastian's hand. He threw it on the nearby bed and glared at him.
"You know I get all excited when you take control," Sebastian smirked, "but I really do need that."
"No. We're talking."
"Go." Sebastian leaned back in his chair.
"What's going on? It's like you won't even talk to me anymore, what did I do?" Blaine had rehearsed his little tirade in the car and he hoped Sebastian wouldn't interrupt.
"I'm talking to you now."
"You're insufferable. For a while you were so eager to talk to me, to be my friend. But now you act like you're annoyed to see me. You don't answer me when I talk to you. Like now," he gestured to Sebastian's current Internet browsing.
"Sorry. I'm all yours," he said, slamming the laptop closed.
"Just tell me. What's wrong?"
"If you're expecting me to declare my love for you you came to the wrong person." Blaine blinked, hoping he didn't mean what he thought he had. "Oh come on, don't look at me like that," he added when he saw Blaine's hurt face. "It's not that I don't like you Blaine. I do. A lot. Probably too much." You're rambling Smythe, Sebastian thought.
"Well you do a shit job of showing it," Blaine snapped.
"Yeah I know. And I've been trying to tell you how hard it is for me to feel this way Blaine. You know how to do this stuff and I don't." The honesty in his voice was sickening him. He never said things like this. It was all too sappy. "I mean look at me. What's my crowning achievement? Fucking every man to ever walk in Scandals? And look at you. You're the best person I've ever met. You genuinely care about people, which is something I've never been able to do. You see a reason to smile when everyone sees a reason to frown. You brighten everyone's day, life." He was struggling to maintain eye contact. This was too much for him. "You're perfect without being so. If that makes sense. I don't know how to explain. It's just that you're so much better than me and anyone else I know without seeming robotic. You're a person, too. Something I didn't realize last year."
"We're not going to talk about last year." Blaine was wearing a soft smile and, given the angle of the light, Sebastian could see his eyes watering.
"But that's the thing. We have to. You told me the problem with Kurt was that you guys didn't talk. And I don't want that to happen to us. But that's not the only thing I'm scared of."
"What else?"
"I'm scared he'll come back," Sebastian answered. His face was somber, much like he was in the Lima Bean before Regionals the previous year. "I'm scared that after all this, Kurt will come back and tell you he forgives you and wants you and you two will prance off into the sunset and leave me here." Sebastian's voice cracked and he felt the sting behind his eyes that preceded tears. No, he could not cry. Hold it together.
"Seb," Blaine whispered, walking over to stand across from him, touching the table. "That won't happen. I'm over him, believe me."
"Then why do you seem so distant?" Sebastian asked, blinking furiously to hold back any tears.
"I do?" Blaine asked, confused. He hadn't realized he'd been distant as well. "I mean maybe I do because I'm afraid of being hurt again, you know? But I don't know if that's it."
"You say last year is the past but I know it's not. We still carry around what we did to each other. When I bought you a slushy from 7-11 you jumped a little before I gave to you. When Michael Jackson comes on the radio we both rush to turn it off." Sebastian didn't know where the words were coming from. He'd noticed these things before but he never saw them as a problem. "I don't know if we can fully trust each other. I know we want to, but we're human. We can't just forget what happened." Blaine nodded. The feeling of finality that accompanied the last conversation he had with Kurt washed over him. He hated it. He hated the idea that this could very well be the end of whatever he and Sebastian had.
"It doesn't have to be."
"I think that's what people say when they break up with each other," Sebastian said. The temperature seemed to drop ten degrees. They both knew where they stood. Not that either liked it.
"Probably. But this isn't a break up."
"Yeah, 'cause we're not together," Sebastian remarked. "It's a tragedy. We want each other so badly and yet we know we can't."
"Why not? We can make this work. We can just…start over." Blaine was determined.
"We can't just do that," the Warbler chuckled nervously.
"That's exactly what we'll do," Blaine said with a smile. He turned around and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. He took a deep breath and turned back to face his friend. "Blaine Anderson." He extended his arm, as if to shake hands with a stranger.
"Sebastian Smythe." Sebastian shook the hand in front of him and smiled softly.
"Are you a freshman?" Blaine asked, forcing down a smile.
"Do I look like a freshman?" Sebastian smirked and couldn't help but smile. He didn't know what any of this meant, but he hoped it was the fresh start he'd wanted for so long. He hoped this meant that Blaine's color would penetrate the grey he had been experiencing for so long. Green eyes met hazel and two lonely boys saw hope in each other. Blaine new this wasn't the dramatic fairytale love he had had with Kurt. There would be no meeting on the staircase or running down the halls of Dalton Academy hand-in-hand. He knew there would be no Notebook references or emotional 'love of my life' speeches. But yet he knew this kind of love, or whatever it was, would be better for him. He felt free. And that's all he could ask for.
"Dammit!" Hunter hissed as he pulled his hand away from the knob. He had just been shocked! The security was not meant to keep him out. The door wasn't fully shut, so he wrapped his hand around the gold knob once again, ignoring the pain and pushing with his shoulder. The door flew open and he stumbled inside. A note lay on his bed that read
Hunter-
I have company. I was gonna leave a sock on the door but hearing you yell is so much more fun
-Smythe
Hunter groaned and kept his back to his roommate's bed, not wanting to see whatever partner he'd brought back from that wretched gay bar. Why did he have to room with this prat? He was the one Dalton wanted. Not Sebastian. Hunter took a shower and changed his clothes and as he walked out of the bathroom he was forced to look at the bed adjacent to his. He was expecting to have to step over shed clothing, but was pleasantly surprised to find both boys in the bed were completely clothed. Maybe he is making progress. As he lay on his bed, he turned to look at Sebastian. His roommate almost never had anyone spend the night. The oddity just dawned on him. Sebastian was laying on his side facing Hunter. The boy in his arms was shorter than Sebastian and his usually perfectly gelled hair was curling at the ends. Hunter immediately recognized him as Blaine Anderson. Finally. Sebastian had been going on about this boy for ages. Hunter was just glad they had hooked up so he would shut up about it. The room didn't smell like sex or sweat or male bodily fluids, which confused him. It was unlike Sebastian to not jump right in, if Hunter's grasp of innuendo was correct.
Hunter wasn't a particularly sentimental person, in fact he wasn't at all, but he could tell from the peaceful look on his friend's and Anderson's faces that something happened that night much more important than sex. Sebastian usually had a very strained look on his face, even when he slept. But that night he looked almost happy, the way Hunter thought sleeping people should look. He didn't pretend to understand love (or what he referred to as sap) but it looked to him that whatever Sebastian and Anderson shared was their own little paradise inside a world of chaos. Hunter smiled at the scene before throwing himself onto the pillow and cursing himself for being so weird.