A/N: This was inspired by scarlet phlame's The Companions Write FanFiction. Thanks for writing a hilarious fic! (Link: s/9627029/1/Dear-Whovian-Authors)
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
"No, I shan't, because a summer's day is hot, humid, sweaty, and gross. You, my love, are far, far from a summer's day. There is no comparison to make– you are the best of the two.
"You aren't perfectly curvy, nor are you much of a looker. These things used to matter to me, though not as much as what you could do in b– never mind. But now that I've met you, seen the way you look, with your perfect tan coloring… Those things seem superficial. I know now that what matters isn't your physical appearance, or the moves you have, nor is it the size of your ba– ahem.
"You may not be human, but that's okay. More than okay, actually. You know me– I don't have a preference when it comes to species. I'll take 'em whenever, wherever I can!
"I don't know what it is that made you fall for me. Was it my coat? Women seem to love men in long coats– it's certainly worked for the Doctor… But I don't wear mine nearly as well as he. My smile, then? Maybe. It's certainly won me more than a few nights– well, you know where.
"I think it must be my charm. The ladies –and men– always say that's what it is. But you don't have the ability to hear, do you? You're not missing much. The universe is far too loud, at times. But yet, you've never uttered a single syllable, in all of your existence. Now that's a feat I could never accomplish.
"And before we're parted forever, there's just one thing I need to tell you. I love you," Jack proclaimed, just before taking a gigantic bite of his bagel.