Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS in any way, shape or form. I'm just a sick obsessed fan.

This is just a one shot based on the aftermath of Kate's death. Main Character: Tony... naturally. Small angst warning.

Tony DiNozzo, having left the "Special Agent" side at home, stood on the soft green grass of the cemetery. It felt plush, like shag carpet, beneath his worn sneakers. The classy Italian leather shoes were also left at home today, as were the neatly pressed pants and shirt. Today, he resembled the college student he'd evolved from years ago, wearing simply a pair of well broken-in jeans and a faded Ohio State sweatshirt. It wasn't chilly outside, but to Tony, it felt as if the blood had ceased to travel through his veins, leaving him frozen. Perhaps it was remnants of the Y-Pestis he was still recovering from, but he was sure it had more to do with the freshly covered grave before him. His tongue felt swollen inside his mouth, and for a second he wondered if Kate's body was really there, if she was really dead. "No," he almost whispered, seating himself on the cool grass. "You were there. You can still feel the splatter of her blood on your face, you idiot." A sound that was something between a sob and a growl escaped his raw throat. She was a good person, a genuinely good person. She had faith, compassion, friends and family. And that fucking terrorist didn't care. He didn't give a fuck that she was worthy of sainthood. Tony didn't understand it. How does someone who deserves to live in every single way imaginable get her brains blown out when she's standing next to a faithless, spoiled, skirt-chasing chauvinist who probably couldn't take any more in life for granted? "It should have been me," Tony whispered, chin now resting on his knees. "I should have seen it and taken the bullet for you. I should have done something different. Ragged you less, stayed out of your hair." He shivered, tightening the hold his arms have around his long legs, squeezing his eyes shut. "Fucking bastard." Tony sniffled back the threatening onslaught of pent up emotion, hunching up his shoulders at the sound of a car. He stood, clearing his throat and wiping off his jeans. He needed to go home.

Tony unlocked the door to his apartment, wondering the feeling Kate's family must have had when they unlocked hers to sort her belongings. If something happened to him, who would sort his? Gibbs? He almost allowed himself to laugh. He could leave all his porn to McGee, his movies to Abby, and his liquor to Gibbs. And what to Ducky? The pleasure of splitting him open of course. "Speaking of liquor," Tony said aloud, unlocking a cabinet in the kitchen. "It feels like a whiskey day." Rum and Tequila were too 'happy summer' and Vodka made him hungry for something else. The harsh burn whiskey left on his throat seemed to match the empty, hollow feeling he had been carrying around. Tony twisted off the top and sat down at the table. This wasn't a casual drinking binge were he would sprawl out on the couch, watching a movie, getting drunk on beer and pizza. Nor was it the kind of binge were he would consume the amber liquid in shots. Today was a "turn the bottle up and drink into you pass out or go numb" kind of drinking binge. He didn't have to work tomorrow. And if something came up, they could suck his dick. Closing his eyes tightly, Tony took a heavy swig, wincing as he swallowed, and shivering as it settled in his stomach. "Where was I?" Tony thought, with another drink, this time already adjusted to the sting. "Oh yeah, how it should have been me and not her." He said that out loud. "Or how about, why didn't we do our job right? We could have caught Ari fucking Haswari a year ago when that fucking whore tried to lead me into a trap. When he got Kate." Tony couldn't choke back the sob this time, and let his head fall to the dark wood surface of his kitchen table. "Fuck you, Kate. You bitch." He picked his head back up again, swallowing down another mouthful of whiskey. "She can't even hear me." Tony whimpered. "All her ideas were probably a big lie. She's probably just neatly laid out for no one to see, no soul to float off to heaven." He shook his head, tears falling freely down his pale cheeks. "No. That can't be right. You had a soul, Kate. You were too good not to have one. Like a loyal fucking puppy." It didn't seem to take long before Tony was halfway down the bottle and having trouble holding his head up. He just let his arms have all the support, his palms now slick with tears and snot. "God, I miss her." He mumbled, letting the support of his head fall to just one arm so that he could have a free hand to drink with. "You hear that! I hope you fucking do because... I mean it."

Tony groaned loudly covering his ears to the loud buzzing sound. "Shut up!" He snarled, snapping up his cell phone and chucking it at the wall. Satisfied slightly with the loud shattering as it exploded on impact, his picked up the almost empty bottle. It was 9am on Saturday. Everything was still lopsided. With a grunt, Tony downed the remaining contents of the whiskey, slamming down the empty bottle when his house phone started to ring. "ENOUGH!" He shouted, staggering to where the phone line was connected to the wall, then forcefully ripping it out. "Just go away!" He then kicked over the small table holding the offending device. A wave of dizziness crashed over Tony and he stumbled to the couch, collapsing onto his side.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs pounded on the door, calling out Tony's name. He was getting worried. What if he was dead, too? He couldn't take another dead agent on his watch. Grumbling something under his breath, Gibbs pulled out his keys, plucking DiNozzo's out with ease. It slid into the lock with a soft click. He wasn't really that prepared for the sight that lay before him. At first, he thought Tony was in fact dead, but as he approached the sleeping agent, the smell of alcohol threw that theory right out the window. Gibbs looked around, noting the broken table and shredded phone line. He walked into the kitchen, picking up the empty bottle, laying on its side on the table. Then there was the cellphone, crumpled into a heap of twisted plastic in a fashion that almost made Gibbs proud. He sighed, turning his blue eyes onto his agent of 3 years. Tony's hair was uncharacteristically messy and unwashed. His face was pale despite the pink swollen look around his eyes. It was obvious he'd been crying. Gibbs reached out a hand to wake Tony but pulled back and went back to the kitchen instead. Under the sink was a small mop bucket. Gibbs winced at a memory of a particularly gory crime scene where DiNozzo almost vomited on him in his rush to get outside. He'd dodged the bullet, so to speak, that time, and he was determined to again. Now, armed with the bucket, Gibbs was ready to try to wake up the drunken young man.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs hissed into Tony's ear, eliciting a soft moan. "Tony."

"Mm, you know I like that, Mindy" Tony purred in his sleep. Gibbs raised an eyebrow. He'd have to try a different approach. "DiNozzo! Get up. We've got work to do!" He barked, causing Tony to shoot up.

Tony hissed with shock, trying to clutch his head and stomach all at once. "Bo-" He stopped, clamping a hand over his mouth.

"Bucket," Gibbs pointed, almost feeling a little sympathetic as Tony still managed to puke into his own hand before reaching the pail that was already right in front of him. He sighed, and went into Tony's bathroom to find a hand towel or a washrag. "Here," he thrust the damp cloth into one of Tony's hands and stood back with a hard look that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Planning on being out of touch for the weekend?" Tony had laid his head back down, eyes squeezed shut, his breath coming in pants. "Maybe," he whispered. "But things have a way of not working out."
"I saw you yesterday, with Kate." Gibbs' voice was softer now. Was he asking if everything was alright? Tony swallowed convulsively. "Yeah?" He halfway opened one eye to gage Gibb's face. "That illegal now?"

Gibbs nodded to himself, as if answering another question in his head. "You got any coffee in this landfill of yours?"

Tony grunted, followed by a heaving sound. "Figured you would have sniffed it out by now."

It wasn't long before Gibbs held two steaming cups of coffee. With a groan, Tony buried his face in the couch to avoid the smell. Gibbs shrugged and set one cup on a coaster before taking a large swig from his own. "There isn't anything I can tell you that will make this better. But I can give you a long list of things that won't help, and this is on it somewhere." Tony didn't immediately respond, leaving Gibbs to wonder if his senior agent had dozed off.

"It wasn't this hard with Pacci." Tony's voice was a rough whisper, almost impossible to decipher with his face still pressed firmly into the cushions.
"Pacci wasn't your partner," Gibbs leaned forward so that his arms rested on his lap. Tony responded with a muffled groan that could have been mistaken for a sob. He reached a hand towards the lanky Italian, uncharacteristically hesitant, and let it rest on one of his shoulders. "I wouldn't expect you to treat your team much differently than your family, and losing apart of your family is never easy." Gibbs could feel faint tremors beneath his hand and sighed. He rubbed Tony's shoulder gently before standing up and taking both cups into the kitchen. Resigning himself to picking up the pieces, Gibbs allowed his agent to sleep off the rest of the alcohol.

Tony was thankful he'd slept right through the day. Daylight was one less thing contributing to the forceful throbbing against his skull. He dragged a hand down his face, stretching the skin. "Shit," he groaned as he sat up, remembering Gibbs' visit. 'If he didn't think I was a wuss before, he does now,' Tony winced at the thought before pushing himself up off the couch. He needed to pee and brush his teeth. Then he needed to sort out a decent explanation and apology before Monday morning, maybe a resignation letter as well. When he returned to the kitchen, he was a little shocked to find it clean, not that it was terribly messy to begin with. During his time at home recovering from the plague, he hadn't had the energy to wash dishes, let alone any other chores. His housekeeper had quit a month ago. Tony drew in a breath before filling a glass with water. He sipped it cautiously before downing the whole glass. Instantly, he was holding his head over the sink, clutching the counter as the water came back up.

Gibbs set the bag of food on the counter and shook his head at his senior field agent. "Guess you don't feel up to food, huh?" Tony wanted to say that he didn't feel up to getting on with his life. Instead, he responded with a few dry heaves before pushing himself away from the counter and stumbling back to the couch. "What are you doing here?"
Gibbs plucked his own food from the bag and casually ate a few bites before responding. "What are you doing here, DiNozzo?"
"It's my apartment. I pay people for me to be here." Tony stretched out on his back, throwing one leg up on the back of the couch.
"I'm not talking about you being here. I'm talking about your actions." Gibbs sat down in an arm chair.
"We can't all build boats in our basements," Tony laid an arm across his eyes. "I'm trying to work this out. Weren't you the one who said 'you may not admire his method, but you've got to love the results'?" He sighed. "Is that why you're here? To make sure the results fit your demands?" Tony sat up and pointed an accusing finger at Gibbs. "She cared, Gibbs. She genuinely cared. I can't just let that go. I'm not like you. I'm not a machine that runs on coffee and controlled emotions. I can't just file this away, build a boat and move on."
"I'm not asking you to be like me. I'm asking you not to fall apart." Gibbs' voice was quiet. "You're still my senior field agent. I need you to keep it together."
"For who?" Tony whispered, his eyes red and shiny with tears. "For you? What about for me? I almost died and she spent almost every second with me until they told her that I was going to be fine! I didn't get the chance to repay that favor. She didn't almost die. She got nailed in the head by a fucking terrorist that I kept wishing you would forget about and move on! Hell, why didn't I just shoot her myself?" By now, he was crying unrestrained. He didn't care what his boss thought of him.
"Tony." Gibbs stood up, running a hand through his gray hair. "This isn't your fault. You were right. I was obsessed with Ari. But Ari had his eye on Kate from the moment he saw her." He reached a hand out, brushing Tony's arm. "Do you remember last year when I told you that you were irreplaceable?" Tony gave a jerky, childish nod. Gibbs continued. "I meant that. Tony, you are part of this family. And I know that you don't have a lot of experience with the way a real family acts. But I do. I'm not going to let you down. But I need you to get through this. I'm not asking you to forget. I'm not telling you to get over it. I'm telling you that I need you." Gibbs backed away, giving Tony his space. "Tomorrow is Sunday. I need you to do whatever you have to do so that you can be there on Monday." He picked up his jacket and keys and started towards the door.
"Wait." Tony looked up with pleading eyes. "Could I, I mean... I don't think I can.." He cursed, paused and tried again. "Can I stay at your house tonight?"
Gibbs studied DiNozzo for a moment before nodding. "I'll give you a ride. Go grab whatever you think you'll need."
Tony nodded, unable to form a decent 'thank you'.

Gibbs looked up from his boat when he heard the a creak on the steps. He acknowledged Tony with a nod and continued sanding. Tony sat down and sipped on his coffee. He was more cold than thirsty and the warmth helped ease the tremors throughout his body. "Did you ever lose someone close like that?" It was a stupid question to ask someone like Gibbs and he regretted it the minute he asked it. "God, that was stupid. Of course you have." Gibbs studied Tony for a moment before responding. "It isn't easy, DiNozzo. Do you remember how you felt when your mother died?"
"It was different. It's not that I was too young to understand what happened. It's just that she wasn't really there. She had people to do all the motherly things, you know... ask me what I did at school, cook me dinner. She wasn't really around. When she died, we weren't close enough for me to really feel any kind of pain. And then not long after that my father had already moved on to someone who wasn't even old enough to be my mother." Tony sighed and stared down into the black liquid in his cup. "I guess I've never really been that close to anyone." Gibbs started to say something but Tony stood up and retreated back into the main part of the house. He set down the hand-sander and followed Tony back into the living room. There wasn't a tv so Tony was just sitting on the couch, staring out the window. "You really need to get a plasma for in here."
"You can't run away now." Gibbs sat down next to Tony. "You've been here too long. You've gotten close to everyone. If you jump ship, then there's more than just your feelings at stake."
"So what now?" Tony turned his gaze to Gibbs. "What do I do now?"
"You go to work on Monday. Then the next and the day after that. And you just keep living your life. There isn't anything else you can do." Gibbs squeezed Tony's shoulder.
"It doesn't seem fair, that after everything, that's all we can do." Tony leaned back, letting his eyes roll back so that he was staring at the ceiling. Gibbs nodded in agreement. He knew what Tony was feeling, and he knew that after a while that feeling would numb and life would suddenly be normal, all without anyone really feeling the change.

Fin

Reviews aren't necessary, however appreciated. Thanks for reading my randomness and goodnight.