Chapter 1: Broken Bird - KPOV

*Present time*

The woods are especially full of sounds today, as I near the hollowed tree where I've always stored my hunting supplies. There are dozens of birds singing and flapping around the treetops above, and I can hear leaves rustling all around me. I can hear some wild turkeys going about their noisy business, off to the right from where I stand. Suddenly, I hear twigs snapping a few paces behind me, somewhere to my left. For a moment, fear of the unseen enemy grips me tightly. I have to force myself to focus and slow my breathing, not wanting to give away my position. After what feels like a lifetime, I remember that I'm not in The Games anymore. I retell myself that I'm safe, at home, in the woods back in Twelve. As the loud pounding in my ears starts to die down, I am able to identify the sound that turns out to be a harmless deer. I close my eyes, release a shaky breath, and I shake off the leftover adrenaline. I want to try to keep my mind off so many horrible memories.

As if I could ever forget – I think to myself and brace myself on the tree for support as some of the most painful memories invade my mind.

It has been a year since I assassinated Coin, was declared mentally unstable, and sent back to Twelve. Even after all this time, I can still hear the bombs that killed Prim drumming in my ears, just as I can still feel the heat of their fire blast upon my skin. Their deafening sound still thunders within each increasing heart beat in my chest. Thinking of that day, always reminds me of all the things that lead up to it. If reminds me of all I endured and the destruction I witnessed, and I fight the feeling of guilt from gripping me too tightly as it once did.

I still remember the agony of hearing Prims name called the day of the reaping, me volunteering, begging Gale to help my mother sister, the train, meeting Haymitch aboard the train, Effie, Peeta, the training, the scoring, meeting Cinna, the cornucopia, the count down pounding in my ears, the running, the blood, the canons, the fighting, the tracker-jackers, Rue, more canons, the mutts… the dammed berries! I can feel my chest tightening and I know I'm on the verge of a panic episode, but the thoughts don't stop. The second Reaping, Peeta volunteering for Haymitch, Cinna being beaten, Peeta hitting the force field, the poisonous misty fog, losing Maggs, the monkeys, the jabberjays, Johanna, Wiress, the spinning cornucopia, Beetee and the lightning, losing Peeta, finding Finnick… shooting my arrow and destroying the arena! It's all too much, it's all much too real again and I find myself gasping for breath that I can't seem to catch.

"Sweetheart, don't forget to breathe... Match my breathing… That's right, Princess… slowly inhale and let it out… again… You can cry but breathe… I've got you." I start to hear Haymitch's voice in my head.

Still leaning on the tree, I try to do as he instructs. I've lost count of how many times he's done this for me in reality. He may live across from me in The Victor's Village, but some days it seems like he's all but moved into my house. I know he'd rather be at his place getting drunk and sleeping it off, but I also know he does it for me. It's for him then, that I do as he always tell me and I try to regulate my breathing again. While I do, I question for the hundredth time, why he does it time and again, and wonder how he always finds the strength and patience to put up with me. Eventually, even after I've calmed some, I'm still unable to keep my mind from wandering to some of the less terrible, but still somber memories after the war was done.

*Flashback(s)*

The Capitol's healers told us my episodes would happen from time to time, so they taught Haymitch how to help settle me when they did. Before leaving my mother in charge at The Capital's hospital, she'd given me a bottle of some pills, saying she'd replenish them as I needed them. I was instructed to take one every night to help me sleep and to always carry one with me, in case of a sudden flashback. I knew wouldn't, because I knew I deserved to suffer for all the pain I'd brought upon all those I knew and cared about.

I remember the first couple of months after my return, I was so numb to everything. I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel, and I couldn't sleep. I vaguely remember understanding how my mother had become the way she was after my father had died. Through it all, Haymitch was by my side. After the first several nights, he had to force me to take the damned pill. I was sure he did it so he could get some sleep, as well. Eventually, that became a nightly routine until I finally stopped fighting it, and took the pill calmly. I still couldn't cry or feel anything but I did sleep. However, sleep only enabled the nightmares to come. I hated them for being so real and often awoke screaming, but the pills effects would make me too drowsy to remain awake. The nightmares would return again and again. Sometimes, I felt Haymitch tucking me back in or tenderly speaking words that were meant to be soothing until the pills' effects would lull me back into different nightmares. Other times, I'd fall back asleep alone and scared. During those nights, I missed Peeta the most but knew I wouldn't allow my darkness to spread onto over him.

I never returned Peeta's messages, which Haymitch would scribble down for me. Actually, I tended to avoid everyone else's messages as well. I did always make a point to have Haymitch tell anyone who asked for me, that I wished them well. I felt that was the most I could do. I knew I was worrying Haymitch and I wanted to try to be better for him, but I just couldn't bring myself to care.

The day Buttercup amazingly found his way back home about four months later, I had a severe brake down. I remember it felt like all the emotions I'd been numb to, suddenly took over me... all at once. The strongest by far, were grief and overwhelming guilt. Those were much too much for me to handle. The grief for everyone I'd lost was so painfully gut-wrenching. Yet still, grief was nothing compared to the guilt I felt. I knew that everyone I loved and lost, that all the souls that lost their lives in the war... i knew that it was because of me. If I'd just eaten those berries at the end of my first Games… everyone, especially those closest to me, would still be alive and well.

That same night, Haymitch walked in on me trying to swallow all the pills from the refill bottle that had just arrived from my mother. I tried to fight him off, all the while crying and begging for him to just let me go, to let it end. I fought, I kicked and I screamed at him for making me throw up. It was a losing battle since the pills were already making me too drowsy to fight him effectively. He took my pitiful punches and my pathetic kicks until all that was left, were my sobs. Then, he'd just held me until I'd exhausted myself to sleep.

Over the next days and nights, he remained watchful as ever. I knew he feared I'd make another attempt on my miserable life and he was right to think so. He removed razors and mirrors, as well as any glass I could get my hands on. He flushed all cleaning liquids and medications. I was certain he was sleeping outside my door at night. I realized one night I lay awake fighting sleep, that he'd been sober though it all. That was confirmed the next morning when I went looking for some alcohol to drink away some of the pain. He smiled sadly at me and asked how I hadn't noticed he'd been clean for weeks. Again, I realized I was failing him and hurting him. I didn't know what to say, so I added that to the long list of things I already felt guilty for.

Several weeks after that, I woke up one morning to so many sounds that confused me. Haymitch had arranged a reunion of sorts. It was more of an intervention, but Effie insisted on calling it a reunion to heal our souls. After the shock wore off and all greetings were out of the way, Effie told me that Haymitch had been very worried for me. She said he'd mentioned my ramblings of guilt the night of my breakdown, so she suggested we all get together. Everyone readily aggreed, she told me. I had a few intense moments with Peeta and Gale before breakfast that day. Then, breakfast had taken an interesting turn as i made several observations. During that time, they all took turns reminding me that they'd all lost someone or multiple people, because of Snow, which i already knew. Apparently though, I had been so involved in my own pain, that I had ignored all of theirs.

They each went on to tell me that they knew, very well, that The Mockingjay had been a symbol born out of a desperate population that was far too tired of being beat down figuratively and physically, by Snow. They told me Snow was to blame for our losses just as much as Coin was, for launching the war itself. They kept repeating that I was a piece in their power game, and not to blame for any of it. I found myself listening and understanding what they were saying. I even agreed that some things they were saying made sense, but it was hard to let go of the guilt. Eventually, it was Pollux that got through to me. His hand gestures were translated by Cressida, but each word was expressed on his face, and I finally started to believe the truth. I started to feel some relief as the guilt began to melt away in the form of tears streaking down my cheeks. My tears didn't get far before Pollux gently wiped each one of them away.

Out reunion lasted about two weeks, although some of them had to leave after the first week. Pollux stayed the longest and neither, Haymitch or I, minded at all. He was a quiet person, but so expressive. He'd begun teaching Haymitch and I his hand language until we knew the basics pretty well but we also kept a note pad for anything that was too complicated for us to understand. He'd even accompanied me on a couple of hunting outings, but those wound up pretty fruitless. As quiet as he was, he was a heavy stepper … at least that's what I blamed it on and not that he was a distraction to me.

I would frequently think back to the look in his eyes the day he'd wiped my tears away, as well as other times we'd shared. I had started to recognize something in him that I'd never noticed before. Aside from realizing he was right about everything and how passionate he was when in communicating with his hands, and how the sincerity that poured off him seemed almost palpable... What struck me more, above everything, was the tenderness he displayed with me. Being that close to him felt so much more intense and powerful than anything I'd ever felt with Gale or Peeta. I just didn't know how to feel about it at the time, and even less what to do about it. I was still filled with sorrow and had many things to work through before I could even think about any one, in that way.

*Present time again*

Remembering Pollux finally calmed my breathing and I felt my pulse returning to normal. I reached into the hollow tree and pull out some rope and set down the bow Beetee made for me, along with the regular hunting arrows I carry these days. The more I think about Beetee, I start to wonder how he's doing at the Capitol. He's been named Head of Panem Armed Security Department and President Paylor's right hand man at the Capitol.

Rightly so – I think to myself with a smile and resolve to call him soon, since I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks.

Thinking back on that first breakfast with everyone, I recalled the many observations I'd found interesting. Afterwards, I really got to know all the remaining victors for who they really were. I learned a lot about who they were before the Games and who they'd become afterwards. I also got to know more about Cressida and Pollux and I even learned there was more to Effie than I knew. They also asked about me and Prim and our lives here in Twelve. When I got stuck, still unable to talk about Prim, Gale stepped in and spoke on my behalf and so did Peeta. Eventually, I found my voice and told some old stories of Gale to everyone's amusement. I also told them the story of Peeta's burnt bread, and saw him genuinely smile in return.

The older victors might have known each other for several years, but it wasn't until our reunion, that we all found ourselves becoming actual friends. Those bonds extended to the non-victors of our little group as well. We'd formed an unbreakable bond of friendship during their stay in Twelve. Thinking about it, it felt more like we'd become family and I finally believed Effie had been right. As cheesy as it sounded, it wound up being a reunion to heal our souls. The days of fighting and the days of war are over, and we may live spread out in different districts of Panem, but I have no doubt that if any of us ever needs anything, none of us would hesitate to be there for the other.

Haymitch and I had been alone in Twelve for several months before people started trickling back to 12. Although I don't leave the Victor's Village much, except to hunt, Haymitch tells me many of them have come to rebuild. He says many of them were lost souls or people who'd lost their loves ones so they'd come to be near me, their Mockingjay. It's been over year since I lost Prim and since I've been called The Mockingjay. Yet, ever so often, I'll see some of the new arrivals in Twelve and they always treat me with respect and kindness. It fits with what my friends have told me. We all suffered losses and still grieve but it is time to heal, rebuild and move on.

Pondering all this, I methodically tie the knots on a snare I'm preparing, just like Gale taught me years ago. Yet, it's Finnick this reminds me of. I remember his smirking face and how infuriating he seemed at first. I feel a sad smile on my face as I think of how he won't get to see his son grow up. I'm even sadder that his son won't meet his father. I have little doubt that he would have been an amazing father. So, I've vowed to never forget Finnick or the sacrifice he made for me, and for everyone. The few times I've spoken with Annie through the visual phone calls that Beetee installed, I've watch him develop into a mini Finnick. I'm so looking forward to Little Finn's first birthday in a week, just as I'm looking forward to seeing all of my friends again.

I stay out in the woods for the rest of the morning and catch a couple of squirrels and a hare before heading back home. When I'm getting to the gate, I see Haymitch crossing from his house to mine. As I get closer, he turns and waves at me and I notice he's holding a letter in his hand. On instinct, I feel some worry but I see he's smiling wide and I hold on to the hope that it's good news he's holding. Triumphantly, I hold up the rope with my catch causing him to beam and hold a thumbs up to me, as I continue to get closer.

"Looks great, Sweetheart. I'm glad the hunt went well." He says but I heard the lingering question behind his words.

I know there's no point in lying since he always seems to know when I try to anyway, so I decided to be honest about my panic episode from earlier. Besides, he's the truest friend I have and I owe him so much more than I'll ever be able to repay. I figure honesty is the best I can do for now.

"It went well, aside from a slight episode. No, I didn't need to take my pill... Yes, it is still in my pocket,and yes, I'm feeling much better now." I told him, all in a rush answering the questions I know he was about to ask.

He stares into my eyes for a few seconds, probably to test if I'm lying. Then he nods, and tells me about the letter I received today, saying it was accidentally dropped off at his house. He's smiling even wider now and I'm getting more curious. I notice that the envelope has the New Panem emblem on the cover and I realize it is from the Capitol.

"Is it from Mom or Beetee?" I ask.

"No, Sweetheart. This is … this was addressed to the Victor's Village, which is probably how it ended up on my doorstep. When I opened it… Katniss, I couldn't believe it. Open and read it, Sweetheart." He tells me laughing brightly.

I find myself smiling the same as him as he hands me the envelope, and I'm wondering what could have him so excited. I carefully open the envelope's flap and unfold the letter and begin to read.

"Dearest Girl on Fire,

First, let me say that I will be eternally saddened over learning the fate of your little sister and for not having been able to reach out to you before now. As sorry as I am to hear about all your loss and what happened in Twelve, I confess to being overjoyed that you're still alive. I do not wish to rehash some bad memories, but I want you to know that I'm alive and I'm still betting on you.

I'm sure you were lead to believe I was killed, just as I'm sure you probably felt guilty about it... There's no need for that. I'd like to explain why it took me so long to let you know I'm alive and to put it simply, I was not able to do so before now. I don't remember what happened to me after the last moments I saw you, but the look of horror on your face as you pounded the glass and yelled out for me, still haunts me. Everything went black after that and when I came to, I was in a Capitol hospital and had been turned into an Avox.

I learned you were still fighting for your life in that arena. Eventually, they reported your death and disappearance. I was distraught and unable to do anything from where I was kept. When the war began, I was able to free myself and a four other Avox. One of them, her name is Lavinia and she's from your district. She told me you'd recognized her when you had seen her at the Capitol before your fist games. The five of us hid, moving from place to place in different parts of the city, trying to find a way out for months. When it was reported that you were alive and leading the rebels into the Capitol, I wanted to try to find you. Unfortunately, we stumbled upon one of Snow's pods and only Lavinia and I survived, but we were severely injured. I've only just woken up from the coma I've been under, since then. When I woke up, Lavinia was by my side. She was mostly healed already and told me that someone from the rebel's team found us after the pod detonated, and took us to a healing camp in Two. She told me that after she'd recovered some and the war was over, I was being returned to the Capitol's hospital to continue being monitored becuase i'd not awoken from my coma. She has told me everything she's learned, Katniss. I'm not ashamed to say that I wept, our of sadness, frustration, happiness at learning that Panem is free. But over all, I am so glad you're still alive and hope you are doing well. I still cannot find the right words to describe how I feel.

Girl on Fire, I knew I was right to bet on you... but glad to have been proven right. I'm so incredibly proud of you, Miss Everdeen… my Mockingjay.

Please know that I am alive, and well on my way to being well again. We are in the Capitol, where the healers have been working on a medical procedure that will allow Avox to re-grow our tongues. Can you believe it? I'm still not sure about any of it, at all. They assure me it is not without pain, but promise it will be effective. They will be trying it on Lavinia tomorrow and then, on me the next day.

This new government is sounding like a dream come true. Yet, as weary as I am these days, i must admit that things are looking up. This new President Paylor seems like she's got the right idea of things, and I'm sure all the districts want to avoid any further bloodshed.

I hope you are truly well and I hope to see you soon.

All my love and affection to you, Katniss.

-Cinna

Sometime during the beginning of the letter, I figured out who it was from and tears welled in my eyes. Still, I continued reading all that he'd been through. By the time I read his name at the bottom, I was laughing through my sobbing. When I looked up to Haymitch through my tears, his face was a blurry mess. I blinked and wiped away as many tears as I could and saw that he was smiling. He asked if I was okay, but before I could answer that, I only had one question.

"How soon can we get to The Capitol?" I asked desperately.

"I already made arrangements before bringing the letter to you. We can be there by tomorrow night, Sweetheart." He told me with a satisfied smile.

His response caused me to squeal in delight and I launched myself at him, hugging him tight. I was so beyond grateful to Haymitch. After a few seconds, he returned my hug, a little cautious at first, but just as tightly afterward.

"Haymitch, I haven't said it anywhere near enough but, thank you. Thank you for all that you've always done and continue to do for me. It means more than I could ever express, truly." I told him sincerely, as I released him.

He wore a smile but it wasn't as bright as it had been moments ago. I wondered why but felt like lightening the mood first.

"I wish I knew why you do it … and spare me the "all part of the Mentor Package" spiel. You have always gone above and beyond for me. I just want you to know that, even if I haven't expressed it, I am grateful. And, I hope maybe one day you'll tell me why." I said softly.

I saw the look on his face change and darken a bit and I thought I pushed too far or aid something wrong, until he released a breath I hadn't known he was holding. Then, he smiled and replied.

"You're right, Princess. You've been a real package but I've never lied to you and have been genuine in my affection for your troublesome self. However, you're right, there is some more to it. Before you ask Katniss, I ask that you please give me some time to come up with the right words.' He sighed, before continuing.

"This is the new Panem after all, and things are very different now. So, I'll come clean soon, I promise. Just, let me sort out my head first, okay?" He told or rather asked me.

When I nodded at him, he then pushed me to pack quickly and told me we needed to be ready in an hour, reminding me to take extra clothing so we could head to Four for Finn's birthday, directly from the Capitol, after seeing Cinna. I asked him what I should do the the squirrels and hare I'd caught, and he said he'd take to the Hob. The people there could share it and I couldn't help but beam at him. As i packed as quickly as i could, I thought about how excited i felt to see Cinna again. I couldn't believe he was still alive, after everything.

An hour later, I heard the hovercraft outside. I thought he'd bought train tickets, but it seems he'd arranged for a hover craft to take us instead. When we boarded, he told me being the Mockingjay had it's perks and for once, I agreed happily. While we traveled towards the Capitol, we talked about staying there until Cinna recovered. He assured me we could stay a few days and still make it to Four, in time for Finn's birthday. After a while I fell asleep next to Haymitch, with thoughts circling in my mind about what he might be keeping from me. Still, if there was anyone in my world that I can trust above all my friends, it's Haymitch. So, I decided not to press for more and decided I'd give him the time he asked for.

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