Well, jack-adam's back, everyone!!! Sorry I haven't been here for so long, but don't worry, I'll try my best to compensate to all of you by coming up with I sincerely hope a great story. By the way, I just set up a Friendster account for all those who have accounts, so please add me and pop me a testimonial if you have the time. Just check my main page or my website for the main links. Anyway, back to the story. Please read and review, everyone! And here's a brand new one-shot brought to you by jack-adam!
You Are Not Alone
PG-13 for Language
STORY
Haibara and Conan broke up on November the 26th.
Weather; wet. Complimenting the tear-soaked eyes on Conan's face as he burst out of the café where Haibara decided to put things to an end. The reason was not because she did not love him anymore, nor was it because of something he did to upset it; it was more the fact of her fear and inability to have close contact.
It was not his fault. Nor was it hers.
Blame "intimacy"-a-phobia.
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The relationship lasted a mere thirteen days.
Ironically, the very day Conan confessed his undying love for her at the café was also on the thirteenth. It seemed that their relationship was centered very strongly around rain, the café and the damned number 13.
Come to think of it, it was exactly thirteen days after the break up when Ran decided to take things into her own hands and stop Conan's constant moping. The boy was not eating, he was barely drinking, and he was certainly not living the way one was supposed to be living and frankly speaking, she was downright tired of it. Not only was he destroying himself, he was breaking down the atmosphere around him, affecting the people around him; Ran herself included.
It was when she found Conan reading a magazine mundanely in the living room when she decided to take the opportunity to pounce. "Conankun!" she called out happily. The boy glanced up at her for a moment before smiling airlessly; getting back to the book in his hands. Ran chewed on her bottom lip before continuing in her falsely cheery tone. "What are you reading?" she asked.
"A magazine." He said tonelessly.
"Yeah?" she said, feeling her cheery mood deflating slowly and slowly with his infectious depressed mood.
Conan raised his eyebrows at her. "Are you alright, Ran? You sound like Mickey Mouse on helium."
"I'm fine." Ran said blushingly before sighing quietly. "Are you alright, though?"
He looked at her with his blank and faded eyes.
"I'm fine." He said.
There was a brief pause before Ran bit her lip and ran her fingers through her hair; an action she did when nervous without even realizing it. "I hate seeing you like this, Conan." She said sadly, looking deep into his eyes that were once so bright and seeking.
He said nothing.
"When's the last time. . ."
". . .that I last spoke to her?" Conan completed for her sullenly, shutting the magazine with a rough snap, getting up to his feet resolutely. "Weeks? Months? Who knows?" He stepped past her. "And who gives a damn anyway?"
"I do." She said.
He stopped in mid-step, his hands already clenched on the door handle. Then he let his fingers drift away from the metal frame, and turned to face her. "What would you do if you were me?" he asked in a hollow whisper.
There was something in his eyes that made her feel like she was looking at her reflection in a mirror. A mirror reflecting her past. . .the day before she gave up on waiting for Shinichi. It was the exact day before she stopped caring, stopped understanding. . .and basically stopped living. And she knew that she had to do something before another tragedy happened.
His eyes were not dead yet.
Not quite.
They were bright, translucent and wide; full of hope. It was the look one would give if he was missing a prized possession and realized there was still one last place he had not yet looked into. He had entrusted her with his hope, and she was not going to let him down. Unlike Shinichi.
"I would call her." Ran whispered.
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This was a horrible idea.
"Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn," Conan cursed under his breath, the phone shuddering continuously in his trembling hands.
"Come on, Conan, you're going to have to do this sooner or later." Ran said to him calmly, yet the hairs on her neck were standing up with excitement, her hands running through her hair over and over again. "You might as well do it sooner."
"Easier said than done." He muttered, yet his fingers were already on the buttons of the telephone. It was there in a fleeting moment, then Conan sighed and placed the phone back down, earning a groan from Ran. "I can't do it." He mumbled, his heart hammering against his chest painfully. "She wouldn't want to talk to me anyway." He added gloomily.
"Don't be silly." Ran said reassuringly. "Of course she does."
"How do you. . ."
"She doesn't hate you." Ran stated, denouncing the fear Conan had since the first day he met the pretty strawberry blonde. "I don't think she could even if she wanted to." She paused, leaving him silent in thought. "What did you do to upset Haibara?"
Conan blinked, surprised; almost as if that question had never crossed his mind before. Then he smiled sorrowfully, remembering. "I kissed her." He answered.
Ran's eyes widened.
"Just for that?" she asked incredulously.
"Yep." Conan said resolutely.
"That's preposterous." Ran snorted. "Just for something as little as that. . ."
"It's nothing little for her, Ran." Conan explained patiently. He sighed, suddenly old, suddenly tired. "Haibara is afraid of human contact. We barely held hands when we were dating, and suddenly one time when we were in the café, I. . ." he stopped, unable to continue. His fingers left the telephone, what little courage that he once had escaping away from him. "I can't call her."
"Yes, you can." Ran said sternly. "She's afraid, and you're afraid of her fear. If the two of you are going to be separated by something, let it be something you know you can do nothing about. And even then, work with everything in you to make the impossible possible because that shows how much she means to you." She glared at him, and he blinked. "She's afraid. You don't shut her out if she fears the dark. You save her from it. Don't blame her for her inability to understand. Help her. Teach her. Save her." She got up and held the phone out to Conan. "She's tired of being alone, but afraid to stray away from it." She smiled softly. "Don't walk away. Not unless you want her to plunge deeper into the darkness. She's hammering her fists against the door. You hold the key. Let her in. Can't you hear her crying?"
The room somehow seemed a great deal brighter now.
Conan took the phone from Ran, their eyes never losing contact.
"Call her." She repeated.
And finally he understood.
"Yes." He whispered, dialing the number.
The room tensed up as the dial tone of the phone rang in his ear, reverberating in his ear, synchronizing with his heartbeat. And then it stopped.
"Hello?" came her sweet voice, and at that moment he wondered how he ever lasted two weeks without her.
God, he missed her. He would just picture her sitting down in front of the computer in that adorable white lab coat of hers; a cup of hot coffee in her hands. Soon after hearing the phone ring, she would then make her way slowly and gracefully to the device that would soon bring him one step closer to her without her even realizing it.
"Hello?" she said once again.
Ran looked at Conan gleefully, nodding her head at him encouragingly.
"Who's this?" Haibara said, a tinge of irritation in her voice.
Wow, something must have cracked inside of him. He even missed the sound of her annoyance.
"Idiot. . ." she mumbled, ready to put the phone back down on the receiver.
"Haibara." He said softly.
There was a long pause that followed that.
"Kudo?" came her hushed answer.
"Yeah." He said.
Yet another pause.
"What do you want?" came her seemingly calm voice, but he could sense the nervousness and edginess in it, the sound one made when caught unprepared before regaining valance. And he felt relieved.
He was not alone.
He could almost feel her eyes widen and catch a shuddering breath.
"Bravo." Ran whispered, licking her lips.
There came a sigh across the receiver. "Kudo. . ." came the hesitant voice of the strawberry blonde across the line.
"If you don't want to, it's fine." He said quickly, a blush forming across his features, disappointment plunging through his insides. "I just wanted to see you and see how you were doing, because it's been. . ."
"I never said anything about not wanting to see you." Came Haibara's soft response, cutting Conan short in his rapid monologue. He paused, holding his breath, awaiting her answer. "I'll be there in five minutes." She said shortly. "Don't be late."
And without waiting for his reply, she slammed the phone down on the receiver.
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He was there in twenty seconds.
So there he sat at their usual table for a moment, a cup of forgotten coffee sitting before him. Hell, now even the coffee seemed calmer than he felt. "Well, it is de cafe." Conan muttered. Then he shook himself, and took a deep breath. "Okay, now that I've got her to talk to me," he muttered. "What the Hell do we talk about?"
"Complimenting my hair would be a good start." Came a cool voice behind him, and he jumped, turning around to face here. There Haibara stood, wearing a red coloured shirt with a pair of jeans; her hands on her hips, a small smile on her face. She always managed to take his breath away; no matter what she was doing or wearing.
"Haibara." He whispered, her name never failing to taste sweet to his lips. He never called Ai, unlike he so desperately wanted to do so. Every time he called her by her first name she would blush all shades of red and would not speak for ages.
"Kudo." She said, nodding.
There they stayed in a moment of mutual recognition before falling face first into awkward "after breakup" conversation.
"You look good." She continued.
"You too." He said, smiling nervously. Then he paused. "You always do."
She blushed.
"You ordered a coffee?" came the voice of a waiter behind them, breaking the romantic tension that Conan worked so hard to build up.
"Yeah." Conan replied.
The waiter laid the coffee onto the table before leaving. Haibara looked out the window, hoping to skip even more awkward conversations before groaning out loud. "What's the matter?" Conan asked her. "It's raining." She said. "And I didn't bring my umbrella." He looked outside before shrugging his shoulders at her.
"I brought one." He said factually. "I can share it with you if you want."
"Thanks." She said gratefully.
"No problem." He replied. Then he raised his eyebrows at her, noticing her position. "You can take a seat, by the way."
"Oh yeah, of course." She said, flushing.
He watched her sit down before smiling slightly, enjoying the feeling of being so close to her once again. "It's been a while since I last saw you."
She nodded. "Yeah." She said. "I haven't apologized to you yet."
"Apologized?" he asked questioningly.
"That means 'to say I'm sorry.'"
"I know what it means." He said indignantly.
Her lips twitched in amusement and he smiled at her. "You haven't changed one bit." He said to her fondly.
"Neither have you." She replied.
"Is that a good thing?"
Rain started to pour down in buckets.
"Of course it is." She said quietly. Then she looked down at her feet in embarrassment. "I'm sorry for what I did to you thirteen days ago when we broke up." She bit her lip. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
He took the coffee in his two hands. "I know you didn't." he said, taking a sip out of the drink before placing it back onto the table calmly. He looked up at her. "I don't want us to end, Haibara." He said resolutely. "I want to be with you."
Her eyes widened.
Lightning crashed across the sky.
Her expression softened but yet she kept her gaze fixated on the top collar on his shirt, refusing to meet his eyes. "I want to be with you too." She said, and a wide smile spread across his face. She shut her eyes. "But I can't." she finished, and the smile flickered away from his features. She bit her lip. "And I'm sorry. Again."
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(14 Days Ago)
"Do you think you would hate writing classics that you could never read?"
Conan raised his eyebrows, amused. "That's a strange thought." He said, grinning. Haibara did not return the action, as usual. "Be a chef who can never taste the dishes he prepares. Playing the game of basketball but unable to see yourself in the eyes of others." She said, before sighing. "It's tragic, isn't it?"
"I guess." He said, perplexed. "Why are you suddenly. . .?"
"Let me ask you a question, then." She continued, ignoring his bemused expression. "Would you be able to accept beauty from a distance. . .without being able to feel it and touch it sensually for yourself?"
"Of course I would." Conan replied baldly.
Haibara blinked. "Really?" she said doubtfully.
"Of course." He said stoutly. "Beauty does not have to be openly appreciated by sense of touch and enjoyment. However. . ." he continued in the face of her hopefulness. "It's just not the same without feeling it for yourself, isn't it?"
Her face turned sour. "That's the way everyone thinks, isn't it?" she said sullenly. He frowned. The two of them were in the café again, and she had just leaned back against the chair so she was as far away from him as possible. Conan leant forward and covered her hand with his, and immediately he could feel her tense up against him. It was like touching a mimosa plant. The slightest touch would draw them out of balance.
"Haibara, are you all right?" he had asked her out of concern. "You don't seem quite right."
She seemed to strain for quite a moment before finally turning her attention from his hand that was touching hers to his confused expression. She forced a smile. "It's nothing." She said in a strained voice. "I'm fine."
He watched her attentively for a moment before nodding and let go of her, Her relief was almost audible, sweat beads had just started to break out across her forehead. He smiled at her witheringly. "All I did was touch your hand." He said.
"I'm sorry." She whispered hoarsely.
Conan nodded and they got back to their coffees almost simultaneously, yet the both of them watched each other over the rim of their cups.
They caught each other's glance.
"I love you." He said to her, placing the coffee down on the table. She blinked, only her eyes in clear view; the rest of her face covered by her coffee cup. He gazed into her tranquil eyes confidently. "I hope you know that."
There was a slight pause before she placed the cup down on the table, her hands trembling slightly.
"I do." She said.
He smiled slightly and leaned in across the table so they were mere noses apart. He felt her shuddering breath against his face; a distinct smell of warm coffee, a smell that Haibara somehow made distinctly appealing. "Kudo. . ." she muttered softly.
"You don't have to feel obligated to say you love me back," he said with husky tenderness. "Say it when you're ready."
She nodded, yet it seemed that was not what she wanted to tell him. He paused for a moment to get the atmosphere just right before leaning in to kiss, his shrewd detective eyes watching her attentively. And he was shocked to see a look of pure fear on her face as she pushed herself backwards against the seat in recoil.
"I think I have to go, Kudo." She said in a frightened voice. "I have to fix Agasa's computer."
"He can wait." Conan said impatiently, his hand on the back of her head, and pulled her into a tender kiss. He heard a gasp escape her lips and he smile softly, clearly mistaking her shock for pleasure and was about to pull her deeper into the kiss when. . .
WHAP
Conan pulled out of the kiss at the sudden contact of her hand across his face; clutching his stinging cheek, staring at her in unflattering shock. Her expression mirrored his, and her hand brought itself to her lips, her face tearful. "I. . .I didn't mean to. . ." she whispered, voice hoarse. "I never thought you would actually. . ." She rose to her feet, throwing change out of her wallet loosely. "I should go." She said hurriedly.
"Wait. . ." Conan started, rising to his feet.
"No, just. . .don't." she said firmly. So firmly that he found himself dropping back down into his seat, afraid of any actions she would choose to do. Haibara sighed, a wan expression on her face. "I'll see you here tomorrow." She finished with a rueful smile.
"Okay." He answered. He didn't know what else to say.
And before he knew it, she was out of the door, the distance between the two of them widening with every step she took; and every step he did not.
(End 14 Days Ago)
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If silence had a name, it would have answered to the exact moment where Haibara and Conan sat facing each other, polar opposite expressions on each of their faces. Haibara was the teacher, the one clear of the current situation and was waiting for Conan, the dim student to realize what was going on.
"You. . .you can't?" he asked incredulously.
Haibara did not reply.
"B-but. . ." Conan stuttered, struggling to comprehend.
Thus, in need for the teacher.
"I really thought that I could do this, Kudo. I really did." Haibara said calmly, almost to a degree where it was unrealistic. It was as if she had been rehearsing this speech in her head on the way to the café. "I thought that love could conquer anything."
"It can."
"But I was wrong." She continued, ignoring him. "The love of a mother bear cannot protect its cub from the cruel pellets from the hunter's gun. Love doesn't win. Fear does."
"That's because you choose to let it win." Conan growled.
There was a strange flicker in her eyes. "Perhaps." She said in a voice like faint music from a piano that echoed down the empty halls beyond the concert grand. Haibara got to her feet deftly. "This was a horrible idea." She muttered. "I should get going now."
And with that she took quick strides to the front doors of the café, and was in the motion of wrenching the doors open when she felt his hand on her shoulder. She turned around to meet his expressionless face. "What are you afraid of?" Conan questioned her sullenly; not soft enough to be unheard, but loud enough to cause an impact. To stop her in her tracks.
"What are you afraid of?"
His voice rang in her eyes over and over again.
And she had no answer.
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(25 Days Ago)
"I hate the school skirts."
"Haibara. . ." Conan said in a pacifying voice.
"I'm serious." Haibara said angrily as the two of them walked down the freezing streets of Tokyo. "No matter what the damn weather is, we're still forced to step out into the bloody cold in these skirts that are not only short but also uncomfortable."
"Ayumi and the other girls like it."
"That's because they like to show off they're shapely legs." Haibara rebutted, slapping her knee as they stepped up to the escalator. "I have nothing of the sort and furthermore, I would rather be warm in a long skirt than freezing in shorts."
"I don't mind them." Conan muttered, his eyes skimming her long, milky legs.
"Oh, shut up." Haibara muttered, her cheeks burning.
He grinned back before noticing two cheeky schoolboys sneaking glances up her skirt behind them. In a swift moment he took a quick step behind her, earning groans from the two boys behind them. Haibara smirked at him. "Oh, and I don't see you trying to get a peek in school." She said cheekily.
"That's different." He said stoutly.
"Is that so?" she said, amused. "Please enlighten me."
"You're my girl-friend, aren't you?"
Her eyes widened, as if she only just realized that fact before shutting them almost purposely slow. "I'm not certain about that yet, Kudo." She said.
"One, you agreed to go out with me for this first date." Conan said as they reached the top of the escalator promptly. "And two, please call me Shinichi. Honestly, is it that hard?"
"What's in a name, really?"
"Ai." He said, and she froze in mid-step.
He could not tell her facial expression, but he could almost feel her tense up inside. He ignored it. "There, I called you by your first name." He grinned. "Your turn."
Her mouth opened to speak, but no noise came out of it. Silence overcame the two of them to such a strong degree that he thought someone had pressed the mute button over them; the two of them under its shuddering control until someone took control over the situation.
He knew that even asking her to call him by his first name was too much to ask. He just thought. . .
Conan shut his eyes, stepping past her. "Let's go." He said quietly/ "The movie should be starting soon."
Haibara bit her lip.
"Conan." Came her voice in a shuddering breath.
He stopped, eyes wide and turned, surprised. She stared back at him almost defiantly. He laughed. "I actually meant calling me Shinichi." He said, amused. "You don't call me Shiho either." Haibara rebutted defensively.
"That's true." Conan said, the corners of his lips twitching upwards. Then he turned around, his hands in his pockets. "Let's get going."
She nodded, smiling. "Yeah. Let's go." Then she paused.
"Kudo."
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It was a scary movie.
Conan didn't choose it. Neither did Haibara. It was between this and some sappy love story about a boy who lost his dog and while looking for it found the most beautiful woman in the world over a mountain of love, and. . .
They decided to either watch the scary movie or burn down the movie theatre. Thankfully, they didn't go along with the latter. Conan had mentally prepared himself for Haibara to do things that usual girls such as Ran and Ayumi did in scary movies. That, of course, would include screaming, crying, and clinging onto his shoulder in fear.
Haibara did none of the sort.
And Conan was pretty sure that yawning, scratching the back of her head and looking at her watch for the time every few minutes did not fall under the same category as "cute female behaviour in the cinema."
And frankly speaking, he was extremely disappointed.
"You look bored." Conan muttered into her ear.
"You look disappointed." Haibara answered, smirking.
"Obviously." He hissed as the girls beside them screamed at the top of their lungs as a ghost popped up on the screen. "Honestly, can't you at least cower in fear so I can wrap my arms around you?"
"As appealing as that sounds, I think I'll pass." She said, stifling a yawn. "Ghost movies always stay the same. None dare to try a new perspective, and when one eventually does, it stinks big time." She tossed popcorn into her mouth in boredom. "Images in mirror, broken glass, ghosts appearing behind walking females, girls with long hair, kids with spooky voices. . ." she took a sip of her drink. "It's so boring, isn't it?"
"If you think about it that way." Conan said, rolling his eyes.
She grinned. "Were you expecting me to. . ." she started before screaming at the top of her lungs, burying her face in his shirt, false wet tears falling down her face. "Oh my God, Conan, hold me close!" she cried out between wretched sobs. It was so well done Conan was almost thoroughly convinced. But that was when she sat upright, wiping her tears away, smirking.
"Better?" she said.
He rolled his eyes.
"I keep forgetting you're a girl capable of owning an entire trophy case of Oscar Awards." He said feverishly.
"Glad to see I haven't lost my touch yet." She said delicately.
They spent a moment in silence, watching a girl run down a long flight of stairs, crying out fearfully. "What's your greatest fear?" he whispered. She blinked before raising her eyebrows at him.
"Wow, the perfect way to get into my pants." She said sarcastically.
"I'm just asking you a question I've had in my mind for quite some time." He snapped. "Because you aren't afraid of scary movies, you aren't scared of cockroaches, lizards, creepy-crawlies. . ." he paused. "Ran's afraid of ghosts. Ayumi's afraid of spiders." He turned. "What are you afraid of? Shiho Miyano?"
It had been a while since someone called her by her real name. And with her name she knew herself, and by knowing herself, she knew. . .
She glanced at his hand that gently brushed against hers as he reached for the popcorn at the same time as her, and pulled away quickly. And at that moment he knew; just as she realized. But yet neither of them said anything. For a while, at least.
And the movie before them kept rolling.
Conan and Ai watched the young lady on the screen scream as a knife pierced into her skin.
"Are you afraid yet, Ai?" Conan said, his hand resting on her shoulder nonchalantly. Haibara let out a shuddering breath, her heart hammering painfully against her ribs. He was so close to her. So darn close. . .
"I'm terrified." She whispered.
(End 25 Days)
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"What am I afraid of?"
There were actually many things that Haibara was afraid of. She just never chose to tell anyone about them. For one, she dreaded the one day when Hakase finally left her side. He was getting old. She knew that. His hair was falling; his series of coughing was getting worse and worse. He was aging.
Fear number one. Age.
She also tended to find herself waking up in the morning with tears in her eyes. Again and again she had dreams about her sister. Her sister fading out of pictures and photographs as the moments following her death passed day by day. She missed her sisters' caring smile, the calm look on her face, her presence. . .
She missed her so much.
Fear number two. Death.
Fear number three. . .
"I have to go." Haibara said.
Conan let out a suppressed sigh. "I'm sorry. C'mon, I'll get you a cup of coffee and we can forget about this entire. . ."
"I'm going to leave, Kudo." She said icily. "So will you please let go of me?"
"No." he said firmly.
"I beg your pardon?" she said, her eyes flashing dangerously.
A clap of thunder crashed across the sky, almost like a gift from God to give Conan the perfect excuse. The perfect reason. "It's still raining." He replied softly. Conan lifted up his umbrella almost as a peace offering. "At the very least let me send you to the bus station."
She watched him with contemplative eyes, her hands still wrenched tightly on the door handle.
Then she let go.
"Don't try anything." She said warningly.
"Won't dream of it."
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Conan and Haibara spent many long moments during their relationship in silence. Not much of a vague silence enjoying each other's company. . .nor an uncomfortable silence where the two individuals in the relationship are simply too nervous or too uncomfortable to start off the conversation. . .
It was more like mutual respect for each other. . .understanding each other in distant embrace.
This time was different. It was a little bit of all three. . .except that there was yet another space for a fourth type of silence in the moment. They made no noise as they walked towards the bus stop, their eyes never meeting nor making contact. The only noise was the soft pattering of rain on Conan's umbrella. . .and the distant tapping of their shoes onto the ground, causing light ripples onto puddles of water below them.
"Damn it." Haibara cursed as she stepped into a mud puddle. "My brand new Prada shoes."
"That's rather daft of you." Conan said, his lips twitching. "Why would you wear good shoes in a rainy weather?"
"I didn't know it would rain." She snapped.
"Well, I thought it would have been obvious by now."
"Obvious?"
He turned to her, a gentle smile on his face. "It rains on every significant day I spend with you." He said quietly. Her eyes widened. He stopped walking. "It rained when I asked you to be my girl-friend." He started, his eyes staring steadfast before him. "It also rained on our first date," he continued. Then he sighed. "And it rained the day we broke up." He turned to face her. "Then there's today." He said sullenly, staring into her tranquil eyes. "The day you come back to me."
"You seem awfully confident."
"Do you fear confidence too"
She glared at him. "Don't star that again, Kudo." She said dangerously.
"That isn't an answer."
"I never said I was going to give you one."
Now it was his turn to glare at her, and she flinched. "You're such a Goddamn coward, you know that?"
She blinked, her eyes wide, before her eyes drew to tiny slits; her eyes flashing. "Yes." She said stoutly. "You happy? I'm a coward. So why are YOU, the brave hero, trying to get together with a damn coward like ME!!??"
A car behind them screeched across the highway.
Haibara was still glaring at Conan, breathing hard.
"Because. . ." he said.
Rain continued to fall.
"Because. . ." Conan said softly. "I love you."
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(26 Days Ago)
"I love you."
Haibara was speechless. Astonished. Shocked. Pretty damn blown away, actually. Never in a million years did she think that Kudo Shinichi would fall in love with her. Even now with him staring at her steadfast in the eye across the café table she could not believe her ears. Her mouth opened and shut stupidly in a way so unlike herself she could tell Conan was doing his best to refrain himself from laughing.
"I. . .I don't know what to say." She said hoarsely.
"Say you love me back." He said reassuringly.
She loved him.
She knew she did, and she was pretty damn sure that he knew it too. But she wasn't sure if openly expressing her love to him was something she wanted to do. Somehow, she found loving him from afar and respecting him from a humble distance more appealing. By loving him back would shatter that, and she would have to step away from that to holding his hand, spending more time with him, kissing. . .
"I don't know, Kudo." She said, chewing on her bottom lip.
"What are you unsure of?" he
asked her before falling into another one of their elapsed silence.
"Do you hate me?"
"Yes." She said, and he blinked. She grinned. "Sorry. Old habit." She smirked, and he gave her a withering smile back.
Silence.
"How could I hate you?" she whispered softly.
He smiled at her fondly.
But then she turned away from it. "You can't love me." She said simply.
He raised his eyebrows. "If you say so. . ."
"Because you love Ran."
"And what makes you say that?"
"Because it simply is." Haibara said angrily. "There are just some couples in the world that should stay, and will stay; withstanding all restraints of time." she paused, looking down at her feet to avoid his eyes. "You're made for each other."
"Nothing should be judged, nor should it be planned." Conan said resolutely. "We all have the will to be, the will to think and the will to love." he stroked her cheek tenderly. "Do you love me?"
His eyes.
His lips.
His voice.
His ever-reassuring voice.
'Satisfy him,' she told herself. 'As he has for you.'
"Of course I do." she whispered.
(End 26 Days Ago)
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Haibara could not fill the silence.
What he said was so strong, so ultimately confident, so securing. . .it almost made her feel his warm embrace for her through the rain. And yet she had no reply for him. She had made thousands of retorts to Conan to date. She had made a sarcastic comment to almost everything he had said, and teased him with every last breath in her.
But she was speechless.
Spellbound by his confidence that seemed to still the rain.
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(26 Days Ago II)
"I'm scared, Kudo." Haibara said to him as the left the coffeeshop together. They weren't kissing, hugging. . .they weren't even holding hands for crying out loud. It seemed like Conan's confession had not occured at all. But it succeeded in something. It pulled in and filled the gap between the two of them. And it scared her, it really did. Conan smiled at her and held her hand in his. She blushed, feeling the warmth of his fingers.
"Don't fear anything, Ai." he whispered.
She remembered every word. Every single one. It was almost as if he picked every word he spoke carefully between his fingers and made a sentence that would soon be plucked up and admired by the angels themselves.
"Fear nothing." he said. "For I am with you."
(End 26 Days Ago)
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Silence.
"I don't know what to say." she said hoarsely. He smiled at her, waiting patiently for her to sort out her words. "This is just too sudden, and I. . ." she wrung her hands out before her helplessly before dropping them pathetically. "I can't do this."
His face fell.
"And I'm so sorry."
Deja vu.
Conan's grip on the umbrella seemed to sag and drop, but he kept it between his fingers calmly, weilding it in his grip. "You're still afraid." he murmered, recieving no reply from her. He looked up at her. "Care to tell me what?"
She answered him with her silence.
"Fine." he said, regaining his pace, continuing his previous pace before noticing he was alone under the umbrella. He blinked and turned to see her standing alone in the rain, her angelic hair glistening in the rain, the water drenching her to the skin. And in that moment he could think of nothing in the world that would look more beautiful.
"You want to know what I fear?" she whispered, her voice throbbing with anger. "Since you want to know so damn much, then I'll tell you. If that's what it'll take to shut you up, then so be it." She tossed her wet hair away from her face briskly. "I fear death. My sister's death haunts me to this day. I fear age. It frightens me to think of the day Hakase dies and leaves my side."
"Haibara. . ." Conan said softly.
"I fear time!" she continued. "I fear love! I fear confrontation!"
"Hai-. . ."
"And I fear intimacy!" she cried, the rain mingling with her frustrated tears. "I hate how couples can stay in close contact with each other! I can't do that! You say that you love me! What do I do? What do I say?" she wiped her tears away angrily, something that seemed unnecessairy at this point. They flowed like her words. Words she kept bottled up within her for so long.
Haibara shut her eyes and looked down at her feet. The rain was starting to sting her eyes and everything was becoming a blur before her. "You want a relationship. Then you would want marriage. Then you would want closer contact than that." she shut her eyes. "You would want children. . ." she wrenched herself away from her silence. She pressed her hands to her chest. "I'm not ready for any of that at all, dammit!!!"
Conan said nothing.
She sighed and turned to walk away.
"I fear all those things you fear too." he said softly. Her eyes widened, stopping in her harsh strides. He watched her back, drenched in the rain. He wanted to shelter her, to protect her. But she wanted to be open. To be alone.
How do you save someone who desires to drown?
"In fact. . ." he said with a small chuckle. "I think everyone does." Haibara's eyes widened. Conan stuffed his hands into his pockets. "You're not alone, Haibara."
The rain seemed to pause; hesitant.
"Everyone has something that draws them away from everyone else, that compells them to be solitary and by themself. Drawing them away from others."
Downpour became drizzle. . .just to clarify his words.
"But we also have something that strengthens us. That makes us special, that puts us in a brighter light to others." His voice came out like light in the darkness, like a father to a lost child. "There's something. . .or even someone in this world that strengthens us. That helps us walk the extra mile. . .jump the extra length. . .to take every next breath with hesitation. And if this something gives us this somewhat phenominal strength that we would not be capable of achieving without it. . .then it is enough to live alone on." He gulped, rain splattering onto his glasses through the protection of his umbrella. He ignored it. "And it does not matter how insignificant it seems to others. Even to. . .even to itself."
Haibara felt tears well up in her eyes again.
"You give me strength, Ai." Conan said in a choked sob. "I fear nothing when I'm with you."
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She should have been scared,
Afraid.
Embarrased.
But all that she could think of was how utterly pathetic and stupid he must be looking like at this exact moment.
One lone tear fell from her face.
"Ano baka." she muttered.
"Shinichi."
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(13 Days Ago)
It was raining on the day of their break-up.
Conan distinctly remembered himself drawing up from his chair slowly, Haibara's nonchalent expression never fading as she watched him carefully across the table. "I certainly hope that we can still be friends." she said solemnly.
A child on the table opposite them started to cry.
Conan shut his eyes. "I don't think I can live with that."
A strange expression came across Haibara's face. Was it concern? Pity? Regret? Conan would never know. Haibara rose to her feet slowly. "Kudo. . ." she started, but with a restrained sob, Conan dug into his pants, tossed out random change and burst out of the shop.
Haibara sat there in silence, still in vague wondering with Conan's reaction. Then she rose to her feet, shrugging her shoulders, and made her way to the exit, only to find Ran standing there. "You can still catch up with him if you run." Ran said.
"And why would I do that?" Haibara asked with raised eyebrows.
And in that moment Ran was not Ran anymore; she seemed to turn into the portrait of another, the portrait of someone she used to know and love so much.
"You're a lonely girl." Ran said softly. "But so's Conan."
"You're lonely too." Haibara said bluntly.
Ran chuckled. "That's why we need each other." she said. "In this world of emptiness and solitude. . .it seems horribly selfish to be lonely alone. Don't you agree?"
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Tears.
Rain.
A dynamic combination.
Conan shut his eyes, turning his heel steadily, the heavy sound of rain drumming onto the top of his umbrella. He paused for a minute, as though expecting something. Then he sighed, abandoning all hope, and took a brave step away from the one thing he so desperately tried to approach all along.
A tug on the back of his shirt stopped him in his tracks.
A gentle pause; as wonderfully made as God would have planned took place as Haibara wrapped her arms around him from behind; sending the world crashing to his feet. His umbrella fell to his feet in a gentle crash.
"What. . ." he started.
"I love you." came her soft voice, hesitant with embarrasment, yet steady with confidence.
Her hold on him lessened, and he pulled away from her to look deep into her beautiful tranquil eyes. And she spoke again; shaping each word from her mouth collectively and with the greatest of care, making sure he understood her as much as she was sure of herself.
"I love you." she said again. "Shinichi."
And he kissed the girl.
He kissed the girl with the strawberry blonde hair and the sweet lips.
He kissed her like he had never expressed emotions to another before.
And she kissed him back with equal fevour.
"I love you too." he whispered back to her, holding her thin frame in his arms.
"Shiho Miyano."
There lay the umbrella on the ground; the form of shelter forgotten and discarded.
Yet the rain kept falling.
It simply kept falling.
Conan blinked.
Haibara paused before smirking. "What's the matter?" she said to him. "Disappointed for my lack of use of tongue?"
"No." Conan said, blushing slightly. "I just remembered it's my birthday."
Haibara raised her eyebrows at him. "Your birthday's not in December." she said wearily. "Has kissing me just made you stupider, or was it the long lapse away from me?"
"Not my birthday as Shinichi." he laughed. "It's Conan Edogawa's birthday today."
"Yeah?" she said, eyebrows raised. "How old is he?"
Conan gave her a sheepish smile.
"Thirteen."
They paused before laughing together in unison. "Well, we just got the whole package." Haibara murmered. "The cafe, the rain, the number thirteen. . ."
"At least it proves my point." Conan said, grinning, picking up the umbrella from the floor and held it above them. He smirked. "You still afraid of the darkness."
She smirked back.
"That's not my greatest fear."
"Oh?" he said, taking hold of her hand, half expecting her to flinch or recoil. "Then what is?"
She did not escape from him this time.
"My greatest fear. . ." she said, entwining her fingers with his. ". . .is losing you."
He smiled at her warmly, a smile that dashed away her fears and turned the cold to nothingness.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere." he said, bringing her palm up to kiss it gingerly.
"I certainly hope not."
He smiled at her softly.
"Don't worry." he said. "You're not alone. Not anymore."
And the rain finally stopped falling.
END STORY
Wow, this was my longest one-shot. I hope you all enjoyed it. I named this story after the Michael Jackson song that's so sweet and soothing at the same time. I thought this story up on the airplane to Japan, and slowly through the trip this story progressed and got where it is now. Listen to the song "You Are Not Alone" while reading this story, and I hope that the feel would be much stronger. If you have any songs that might work with this story then please tell me in your review or e-mail it to me. I will look it up immediately. Anyway, I want to dedicate this story to Benjamin for making me believe in his thoughts towards love. I want to thank my younger sister for reading this through for me. Thanks, Gubby! And of course, I want to thank my older sister for always looking out for my writing. Please read and review this story, check out my website, add me on Friendster. . .arghh. . .I'm just asking too much from all of you wonderful reviewes. I love all of you!! And thanks for reading all my stories! I promise I'll get back down to finishing Marrying Haibara, The End To All Endings, Ice-Cream Boy and A Girl Called Anna 2.
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!!