Matchmaker: Orochimaru!, a naruto fanfic

Matchmaker: Orochimaru!

by Sakuranime

Disclaimer: Only a far-away dream.

TWO WORDS: Enjoy and REVIEW! Err…three words…yeah. Any questions, comments, complaints, etc., are welcome in the reviews! Wheeeeeeeee! Sugar-highness is good for thy soul…not really but that's not the point!

"Quotations"

Thoughts

(( Flashbacks ))

Chapter 1: Hello class, my name is- HOLY SHIT!

Class 7 has always been the weirdest, loudest, and most chaotic class of all at Konoha High. While all the other obedient classes start their assignments for the day the moment they step into their respective cubicle, Class 7 are busying themselves with nonsense, non-related-to-school things.

Their usual teacher, Mako Sensei, had an unfortunate accident, so to speak. His injury involved every bone in his body broken, an injured heart, a small cut to the left lung, a torn Achilles tendon, two fingers on his right hand twisted, skin burnt in some places – must you ask more? The point is – he is extremely injured, almost on the brink of death.

When the students of Class 7 heard of the unfortunate event from Kakashi Sensei, they showed their sadness by chattering quietly amongst themselves about the new substitute teacher.

"Is it a he or a she?"

"What if it's a he/she?" SMACK. "OW!"

"I heard from my special resources it's a he."

"Since when are your 'special resources' actually true?" SMACK. "Dammit, woman, stop hitting me!"

"Oooh. Is he hot?"

"Maybe, I'm not sure! I never saw him before!"

"…"

"I hope he doesn't! The bugs are disgusting."

"Heh heh heh! No substitute in the world can ever catch me eating ramen!"

"I wonder if he'll let me gamble…Tsunade-sama does."

"Hn."

"Yip! Yippppp! Yip yip!"

"What the hell did he just say?"

"Akamaru says: I hope I can stay in class…Shinji will pull my ears apart if I stay home!"

"Amazing! You understand him?" Sweatdrops.

"Sakura-chan…wow."

"What?"

And so the students waited for Monday, the day they go to school, and the day they finally meet their substitute teacher who will stay with them for a month. Some waited in hope, some in fear, some in indifference, and some…were just plain waiting for school to be over with.

The blonde-haired woman sighed at the paperwork. Though most students would debate on how old she was, Tsunade was actually fifty-years-old. Some would say that was impossible, for she looked around her mid-twenties. What everyone knew, was that no one knew her real age. Neither was she willing to tell.

"Hmmm…age fifty…was a businessman, a tailor, worker at the soup kitchen, advisor for the government, secret service agent…hmm!" The principal's lips curled in a half-smile. "A man of many talents!" She read on.

"Good with kids, has been to jail before, but only for visits, and an excellent record of substitute-ship! This man must be really good." The blonde settled the paper on her desk and looked at the stack of papers.

Good God, Tsunade thought. "Why did they want me to sign the forms for the…unfortunate accident? Don't doctors do tha- right. I am a doctor…" Glaring at the stack of documents, she decided to settle those later.

'They don't need that until Mako gets out of the hospital…that won't be for a long time.'

A knock on her door brought her to reality.

"Who is it?"

"Tsunade-sama! The substitute is here to see you." Shizune, her secretary called from outside the open doorway.

Tsunade sighed again. "Send him in."

A couple of seconds later, a tall, pale man walked in. Tsunade tried to keep from staring but failed.

The man was tall and pale. He wore a dark blue suit and neat pants. His hair was jet black, long and vertical, like he had just finished getting a magic straight from a salon. His eyes were black and calculating, but not cruel. In contrast, they were friendly looking.

"Err…" Tsunade mentally kicked herself. She was supposed to be the principal! Not a stuttering idiot! She cleared her throat. "Ahem. You must be Orochimaru-san, the substitute for Mako-sensei because of that…unfortunate accident…"

Orochimaru nodded sympathetically. "Yes. I heard all about it…unfortunate…" An awkward silence ensued as the two thought about the bed-ridden teacher.

"Yes, well, I'm Tsunade, principal of Konoha High. It's a pleasure to meet you, Orochimaru-san." She stood up from her comfortable chair and extended her hand.

He smiled. "The pleasure is all mine, Tsunade-sama. Please, just Orochimaru. The –san part makes me feel older than I am…" He laughed charmingly and shook Tsunade's hand.

The principal joined in the laughter and a sinking feeling overcame her. 'I know how you feel…'

"Very well, Orochimaru." The use of his name made a smile appear on his pale face. "I hear you're good friends with Jiraiya." Tsunade said, wondering why anyone would be friends with the perverted monk/teacher. Then again, she was good friends with him too.

Orochimaru gave a nervous laugh. "Well, yes, I am…we go back…a long way…" He thought of the 'good old times,' as Jiraiya called them, when they used to sneak off into the night into gambling bars, won, hit the hot springs, peeked in the woman's bathroom…he had no trouble remembering the beating he received when they were caught by the ladies.

A blush formed on his cheeks. Too bad for Orochimaru he's pale so they were very visible.

Tsunade noticed the change in color and quirked an eyebrow. "Why the sudden shyness? Bad memory?" She could relate to him, she thought as she reminisced all the times she beat the pervert up for lifting woman's skirts and sometimes, even hers.

Orochimaru coughed and changed the subject before his dark secret could be revealed. "Well, then…care to fill me in on the details of my assigned class?"

Tsunade nodded, glad that he didn't answer. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know. "You will be-" Her eyes widened and her face became red as she felt a familiar sensation. Orochimaru noticed it and wondered about the sudden change in temperature.

Was it just him, or was the room suddenly getting hot…?

"JI…RAI…YA…!" Tsunade yelled, face burning, before turning around. Sure enough, the pervert was there, kneeling, looking the least bit guilty of peeping under her skirt.

"Uhh…" Jiraiya grinned like an idiot before gulping. "Hi, Tsunade-hi-"

POW!

Orochimaru winced as Tsunade's fist connected with Jiraiya's face and he flew back into the tall filer. His back made a dent on the $100 filing cabinet. Jiraiya groaned.

"Still punch like a cow, huh?" Jiraiya muttered, a grin on his lips.

Tsunade turned her blazing eyes to him. "What did you say!"

"N-nothing! Tsunade-hime…" He laughed nervously before spotting the left-out Orochimaru. Squinting, he asked, "Is that my old buddy Orochimaru?"

The person referred to as 'old buddy' prayed for a miracle. The reason he only took this job was to get away from his old friend and look where it's got him now! Right into the same job!

'Kami-sama, how can you be so cruel?' He asked silently.

"Hey! It is Orochi-chan!" Jiraiya got up as if the punch meant nothing and strode to the frozen man and smacked him on the back.

Tsunade quirked a brow. "Orochi-chan?"

Orochimaru didn't say anything and chose to take his humiliation in silence.

"Jiraiya! May you please, just fill Orochi-" She started to plead but stopped as a smile formed on her lips. "May you please fill Orochi-chan in on the details of his new job?"

Jiraiya grinned. "See that, Orochi-chan? People are adopting your new name already!" He laughed.

Orochimaru glared at his old friend. "Yes…they are…" He said through gritted teeth. "They just love it."

After filling him in, Tsunade sent Orochimaru on his way to the assigned class. Jiraiya asked to be excused as well, for he had some…'holy duties' to attend to. As he passed the girl's bathroom, he heard screams and shouts of 'pervert!' resounding from the walls. He wished no one would ever relate him to Jiraiya and walked faster.

"Class 7…class 7…class 7…" Orochimaru skimmed the doors along the hallways. "Class 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…7! Ah, here it is…"

As he reached for the doorknob, he heard an explosion.

BOOM!

And voices from behind the door.

"NARUTO!"

"I swear, it wasn't me, Sakura-chaAAAAHHHHH!"

"Screw you, Itachi! I WILL kill you!"

"I wait for the day, foolish little brother."

"I win…AGAIN."

"Looks like Shikamaru beat you, Chouji."

"I'M NOT FAT – JUST CHUBBY!"

"…"

"Yip! YIP YIP YIIIIP!"

"Eew! Akamaru says you smell!"

"WHAT! I'll have you know I take a shower, unlike some people!"

"AHHHHHHH!" Another explosion.

BOOM!

Orochimaru froze. His fingers were touching the doorknob and he was about to turn it but his body was frozen. He just couldn't do it. Suddenly he was very scared of Class 7.

'What are you doing! Mama would be very disappointed in you.' He scolded himself. 'Just turn the doorknob! Turn it in 1…2…3…!'

He turned the doorknob and steeled himself.

Lo and behold, the disaster before him.

"Hello class, my name is – HOLY SHIT! IS THAT A FIRE?" Orochimaru screamed, hands covering his cheeks.

A cricket from outside chirped. Orochimaru stood at the doorway, hands still over his cheeks. They were all staring at him.

He blinked.

They blinked.

A cough from the back.

'…maybe I overreacted a tad bit too much…only a tad…'

He scanned the room and wondered to himself if this was a class at all. It sure didn't look like it to him.

A spiky-blonde boy was in the middle of slurping up ramen and keeping it away from a pink-haired girl. He spotted a spilled ramen bowl on the floor and grimaced. He'll have to call the custodian now! Orochimaru had passed the custodian on his way into the building and he gave him…odd looks…the same look Jiraiya gave to woman…

He shrugged. Back to analyzing.

A dark-haired boy wearing a dark blue shirt was having a glaring contest with another dark-haired boy, this one taller and his hair pulled back in a pony-tail. They were glaring at him now.

A girl wearing a Chinese-styled shirt was in the middle of wiping a kunai spotless with a handkerchief. A How-to-remove-blood-stains-and-keep-your-kunais-clean kit was opened on her desk. Orochimaru quirked an eyebrow. He wondered where in the world she got those.

A frown on his face, a boy with long hair tied at the very end was staring at him with…(the teacher gagged) white eyes. He gagged again. He saw another girl, possibly related to him, with short hair and also donning white eyes.

Orochimaru tore himself away from looking at them and spotted a green-spandex wearing boy with a…bowl-cut.

'Hmmm…styles have sure gone weird since my days…' Orochimaru thought and shuddered. The bowl-cut boy was blowing kisses to the pink-haired one; lips outstretched in a humanely impossible length.

A blonde girl with blue eyes was holding pompoms in the air, obviously cheering for the boy with spiky hair, currently playing shogi. Another boy with black hair in a high ponytail with spiky edges was playing shogi with a fatter boy who's hand was about to put a chip into his mouth.

The last student was a red-haired boy with black circles around his eyes had a sand castle on his desk and a gourd beside his on the ground, filled with sand, the teacher guessed.

The silence was beginning to get on Orochimaru's nerves.

"Ahem." He coughed and cleared his throat.

"Hello class, I'm Orochimaru-sensei, your substitute for a month."

A few seconds passed…

…and the class erupted into loud jubilee.

"YAY!"

Streamers were tossed out of nowhere, sprinkles of colored paper danced in the air, a banner appeared in the back of the room and read: "WELCOME, NEW TEACHER!"

Orochimaru stared at the banner with disbelief. "Ok…this is a bit uncomfortable…"

"Hi!" The pink-haired girl popped out of nowhere. "My name is Haruno Sakura nice to meet you what's your name?" She said in one breath. Orochimaru sweatdropped.

A very hyper girl.

"Sakura. What have I said about talking with breaks?" The dark-haired boy broke his glaring contest to chide her.

"Hee hee hee!" Sakura grinned. "I forgot, Sasuke-kun! I won't do that next time I promise because a promise is a promise and it shouldn't be broken right Naruto?" Sasuke sighed exasperatedly.

"Right, Sakura-chan!" Naruto smiled boyishly, giving the girl a thumbs-up.

"Sasuke." The other boy with dark-hair said in a husky voice. "You have failed once again to defeat me in a glaring contest. You disappoint me, little brother."

"Shut up, Itachi!" Sasuke growled. "I WILL DEFEAT YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" Itachi just chuckled. The angry younger brother gritted his teeth.

"GO SHIKAMARU GO!" Ino screeched, pompoms flying widely in the air.

"Shut up, Ino-pig!" Sakura yelled, a smirk on her face. "We all know you guys love each other – we don't need to hear proclamations of love everyday!"

A crimson-faced Ino immediately shouted back, "Wh-what are you talking about forehead girl! As if anyone would like a lazy smartass!"

"Oh, so I'm a lazy smartass? What about you? Miss Makeup-hog?" Shikamaru drawled from his seat, a tint of annoyance evident in his tone.

Ino sputtered. "MISS MAKEUP-HOG, AM I!"

"Ah…young love these days…" Sakura cackled wildly, throwing her pink-hair back.

Orochimaru was stunned. That Haruno girl had a totally different personality! He made a mental note in his head to search on the internet for 'dual personalities'.

"What's his deal?" Orochimaru nodded his head toward Sasuke.

Naruto's expression fell. "Oh. Well, you see, a couple days back, Sasuke-teme-"

"I'm not a bastard, DOBE!"

"-had a pet goldfish named Soopi Soopi." Naruto ignored the rude gesture from Sasuke and looked wistful. "The two of them were the best of friends, besides me and Sakura-chan." Orochimaru nodded. He was intrigued by the tale of the two 'brothers'.

"Then one day, Itachi, Sasuke's older brother, accidently flushed Soopi Soopi down the drain one night-" Naruto explained. An evil smile appeared on Itachi's face.

"SOOPI SOOPI!" Sasuke's anguish voice tore through the story.

Sakura sighed, rolling her eyes. She pushed herself up from her seat beside Naruto. "I'll go comfort him…" Orochimaru stared at the grief-stricken boy and Sakura, patting him on the back.

'I'll just…move a little somewhere else…' And he though he was the one with problems! The pale man slithered to the next seat, spotting a brooding-looking red-haired boy with dark circles around his dark green eyes.

"Uh…hello…" Orochimaru greeted nervously. "I'm your new teacher, Orochimaru-sensei."

Lifting his red-head, the boy directed his cold eyes to the newcomer. A shiver raced down his back as a cold, inhuman voice invaded his mind.

Kill…

Pushing the voice back, the nervous teacher tried to strike up a conversation. "Uhh…what might be your name?"

The boy stared, his dark green pools sucking the life out of him…or so Orochimaru thought.

Kill…

Orochimaru felt his eyes rolling back; he heard his heart pounding wildly in his ears; sounds amplifying times a hundred; his hands twitched, reaching up to encircle his own throat, clamping hard around them, choking him-

"YO! GAARA-CHAN! Can you not try to NOT kill a teacher for once?" A voice – Sakura's – asked, breaking the trance Gaara cast upon the innocent teacher.

Gaara looked away from the frightened Orochimaru and glared at Sakura. "You stopped me from killing him…" He said coldly.

Sakura stuck out her tongue playfully, and winked. "That's me, 100, and you, none!" She looked away to nurse Sasuke's tramautizing past.

Growling, Gaara stared back up to Orochimaru. But the substitute teacher was too clever for that. He was prepared.

Orochimaru brought his hands and covered his eyes, shielding them from view. He took a leap back, shouting, "NO! YOU WON'T HAVE ME YOU DEMON!"

The class grew silent, all attention of the 'insane' sub.

Slowly lowering his arms, Orochimaru let out a nervous laugh. "Heh, heh, heh…uh, did I say demon? I meant lemon…you know? 'No, you won't have me you lemon?'"

Cricket.

"AH HA! I GET IT!" Everyone broke into laughter. At WHAT, was a mystery to Orochimaru, since he himself didn't get his own stupid joke.

'Great way to start the class…' Orochimaru applauded himself, crying silent tears.

Questions? Comments? Problems? Like? Dislike? Tell me if you like it. Don't tell me if you dislike it. (grin) REVIEWS ARE MUCHO APPRECIATED!