Chapter 1: Alternate

It all started when I was a kid. My father was a fisherman and he wanted to swim. He swam in the relay and wanted to go to the Olympics but never got to. It was then I decided that some day I would go to the Olympics and not only swim for japan, but I'd swim for him too. He died before he could see it happen. Ever since then I've been training hard. I want to know how it feels to hold that gold medal in my hands. I want to know that feeling and I want to share it with him. I want him to smile down on me and be proud of me, his son.

Gou, my younger sister was always very encouraging, but a little on the strange side. That is, she always carried notebooks to write things down. I guess she liked to write stories. Once I tried to look inside but she freaked out. I guess everyone has their secrets. It didn't matter really, no matter what I'd love her, I mean I only have one sister.

When I was a kid I met a boy named Sosuke. He was really cool and we got along really well. He was my best friend putting it simply. We shared everything together. We seemed to understand something no one else did. It wouldn't be until many years later I would know what that thing was. We did everything together, except swimming. Sosuke believed swimming was something done on your own, whereas I believed swimming should be for the team. Other than that we never really fought. But we did have a falling out and I had to transfer schools soon after. It would be a long time before we would see each other again and even longer until we made up.

At my new school I met Haruka and a Makoto. We became inseparable instantly. It sounds stupid but I could call us soul mates! We were destined to be friends. They also liked swimming and they also wanted to swim for our team, that's right, we were a team. I had never been so happy, I had found a place to belong at long last. If things stayed that way forever I would have been happy. But life has a way of throwing curve balls and I was going to school in Australia after that year. Neither of them wanted to see me go and I didn't want to be apart from them. So we made a promise that when I returned we would all see an amazing sight together.

I went to Australia. I was there for a year and I worked as hard as I could. Each morning I'd smile at the photo of my father. I'd be getting closer to our dream with every lap, every practice. Everything was fine until I went home for New Years in my last year of elementary school.

"Hello? Is anyone home? Gou?"

I walked into the house where I saw an open note book lying on the kitchen table. It reminded me of the books she carried as a kid... and then I saw it. At first I didn't know what I was looking at, but it clicked soon after the shock wore off. I thought it was homework, then I thought it was just some weird note she was making, a story or something; but actually she was cataloging me. Things I did, things I said, my measurements, and even her own personal notes on my mood. All of these words were about me when I was a child to now. How could she know these things about me? Why was she doing this?

"Rin!"

"Gou... What is all this?"

She looked at the ground and then up to me, "I've wanted to tell you for so long but... But if I did then..."

"Tell me now, what is this... What am I?"

She was quiet at first, like me, unable to find any words.

And she finally spoke, "Rin... the truth is I'm not your sister, this isn't your house, and you've only existed in this world for a little over three years."

"Existed?"

"Your memories were all downloaded into you. Your father, your dreams, all of it was fabricated."

I was quiet as she explained. I was created, not born. My dream of swimming for my father was a lie, I didn't have a father. I came from genetically modified DNA and a test tube. I flecked my shark teeth with my tongue, the sure sign of what I am. An experiment. I'm not human; I don't have hopes, and I don't have dreams. I grew weak and I just couldn't stand anymore, I fell into a chair. So then why am I here? What's going to happen to me?

"There was another before you."

I looked up at her, "Another?"

"Sosuke was an imperfect specimen and there were too many flaws in his calculating personality. We needed someone stronger, who could also swim with his heart. That's a mistake. Rin you can't let your emotions get the better of you. Just understand that you are the superior copy and you will lead Japan to victory in the Olympics."

"What if I can't?"

"What?"

"And what happens after? Now that I know what I am how could I swim with my heart? I don't have one, not a real one at least! You've failed a second time! What happens to me now!?"

I ran out of the house with nothing but my jacket. I walked aimlessly for hours until I saw Haru. I challenged him to a race. It was strange, I used to think of him as one of my soul mates... But now it's impossible. I need to have a soul before I can look for something like that. Haru always swam with his heart, if I can just beat him then wouldn't that mean I still have a purpose? If I can beat Haru then would that give me my heart back? Would it mean I wouldn't be left in the dark for scrap like Sosuke? We raced and he won. In other words I had nothing, I was nothing.

Australia was the cage.

I returned to Australia only because I couldn't bear to stay in Japan any longer. The echo of my questions and Gou's words ran through my mind over and over again. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What if I can't swim? What will become of me once I've accomplished what they built me for? What if I can't accomplish anything? I found that there were two other boys like me in Australia. The only difference was they knew from the beginning what they were and what they had to do. So what was I? I was drowning.

They told me to train and do what I was told by the coaches and teachers. It sounded obvious, it sounded easy, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to want to do anything anymore. I was slipping. They said all I needed to know was that I was meant to swim, nothing more, nothing less. Feelings weren't important. Just swim. And so I did, but I could feel the cage becoming even harder to break free of. I lost myself in the water and the heart they had built into me was locked away, left behind in Australia. And it would wait there to die.

Of the three artificial boys I was the only one to leave. The older one, his body failed him and he could no longer swim. The younger one, the one the same age as me, drowned in the ocean. He had the same doubts I had and his heart just wasn't strong enough. I thought of returning to the sea with the boy, I dove in and swam out as far as I could until I couldn't swim anymore. But the sea didn't want me, it spat me up like a cork and someone found me in the sand. That was Australia, and it stayed with me even after I left.

I returned to Japan, unfamiliar with the area. On the flight back I spent most of it staring at the photo of my "dad." I wondered who he was and if he knew who I was. I saw Gou again, who had seemed to change, perhaps my sister- this girl had exchanged her life of observing me for a life of a normal girl? It seemed that way because her notebook was gone and she didn't seem to remember a thing about me other than I was her big brother who went to Australia and came back. I found a short letter in my bedroom from some seemingly important company, the company that made me. It explained Gou's loss of her memories regarding the project and asked that I keep my true self a secret. I trashed the letter. How could I keep my true self a secret? I never had a self to begin with. Swim. That's all I have to understand.

And then I found Haru again. He was with Makoto and Nagisa in the place we first met, the old swim club. I could still hear the ghosts of our past laughing and running through the halls. Something clicked then. Perhaps my heart never went to Australia? Perhaps I left it here? So Haru and I decided we would race again, this time I would not lose.

I met them at the Samezuka pool, at the latest of my schools. I raced Haru and I won but it wasn't enough. Something was still missing. I sent my former teammates away. Later that night I returned to my room to see my roommate was already asleep. I reached under my pillow and I looked at the photo of the boy who I called my father for three years. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Who is the person in this photograph? What am I going to do?

And that's how things were. Things were like that for a long time. Until I saw Haru again, I was out buying a new swimsuit and he was doing the same. I pushed him up against a fence. I just needed an answer, and I felt like he could give it to me. Ultimately even Haru couldn't understand. So I left him again. Seeing him again made me so angry. I began to hate swimming, no, I had always hated swimming. I hated everyone else too, because they had what I wanted more than anything else in this whole world and they didn't even care! They were Free. So why couldn't I be?

I spent a long time in the darkness. Wake up, eat, swim, school, swim, run, swim, eat, sleep. Repeat. Wake up, eat, swim, school, swim, run, swim, eat, sleep. Swim. That was the only reason I was alive, or at least going through the motions of living. Swim. Swim. Swim. That's was all, that was everything. I didn't want to do it anymore but what choice did I have? I'm a shark, and if a shark stops swimming they die.

I remembered the ocean in Australia one night when I was staring at the photo of the man I called my father for so long. I remembered wishing the ocean would swallow me up and let me drown. And suddenly I thought of Haru and the sight we promised to see together. I remembered what a team was but not what it was like.

The prefectural swim tournament came and I saw Haru again. I saw Makoto and the others too. For a second it seemed we were all just kids again, back then we swam because we wanted to. Now what did we swim for?

The 100 meter free was called to start, Haru and I took our places. I looked in the water and pulled my goggle strap back to hit my skull. And then I waited. I looked into the pool and saw nothing. The only thing that made sense then was the word swim. Swim. Free. The referee blew the whistle and I was off. I swam. I swam as fast as I could because if I didn't swim I didn't even come close to being anything. This is why I was created, so why is it becoming so hard?

I won the race but I didn't feel any better. I couldn't even get out of the pool. It was a nightmare. I was drowning and I was the best swimmer in Japan. I made it out of the water and out of the bright lights. I hid in the darkness of the halls and waited. I wasn't exactly sure for what. I just waited, waited for the darkness to swallow me whole.

Now I've fallen from on high. What do I have left to give? Sorry father, you've failed once again. I'll never swim again.

"It still hasn't bloomed."

That voice… is that me?

"I told you that it was too early."

And that voice, that's Makoto.

"But I really wanted to see it in bloom…"

I opened my eyes. Why was I remembering that? Just before I left for Australia I wanted to see the big cherry tree bloom. Why was that tree so important? I can't seem to remember? Either way I was done swimming the races, I wasn't even going to be in the relay… What's the point in staying? As I made my way away from the building something caught my eye.

It was a large cherry tree, like from when we were children.

I stood in awe of it, lingering in the pool of nostalgia it brought me. I wasn't there long however. I heard footsteps. I turned and saw Haru, the same Haru who took my dream from me.

"Haru, why are you here? Come to laugh at my pathetic loss?"

"Rin."

"You saw what happened in the free. And I was taken out of the relay. The world is laughing at me. So join in! No need to pity me."

He stood there, silently watching me. His eyes are as deep as the ocean. He was really pissing me off.

"I told you to laugh! That's all I'm good for anyway! I'm not even good enough to race you guys in the relay!"

"Calm down Rin!"

"Shut Up!"

It was pouring out of me now. Now nothing mattered. How dare he come here. How dare he speak to me.

"What would you know? You don't know what it's been like! You don't know what it's like to have everything taken from you! You don't know what it's like to wake up one morning and realize you're nothing, all you have is nothing, all you'll ever be and have is nothing! So just shut up!"

He didn't hesitate, "I know… how fun it is to swim with friends, how good it feels to swim in a relay together… You're the one who taught me that Rin! And that's not nothing!"

"Shut up!" I ran at him, taking him by the shirt collar.

"I understand now! I found out the answer!" He cried out.

He found out?

"I know why I swim and who I swim for!"

Even I know that… the answer is nothing. I went to punch him but he caught my arm. We brawled and fell to the ground, rolling in the dirt. I wound up on top of him under the tree when I saw something I hadn't noticed somehow. In the dirt was the reason I remembered this tree and why I wanted to see it bloom. Written in the dirt were the words "For the Team."

We were silent. We were silent for a long time.

"This tree… looks like the cherry tree from the school yard. Isn't that why you came here?"

My grip on his shirt lessened and before I had realized it I had begun to cry. For the first time in so long I'd wept.

"Why? Why can't I be free? I want to swim with you guys… but I… I'm not like you."

My tears fell onto his face, but he did not move. He quietly watched me and took me in. Then he smiled.

"Rin, I know what you are, and it doesn't matter. It's not too late. Let's go, Rin. Let's swim together."

"I can't. Haru I- I-"

"The circumstance of your birth is irrelevant, Rin. It's what you chose to do in this life that makes the difference. Rin, what is it that you want to do? It's up to you now."

"But… My purpose-"

"Rin, it was never purpose that you swam. You swam because it was your dream."

I was speechless as we stood up.

"Come on Rin, it's time I showed you a sight you've never seen," his hand extended.

Taking is hand changed everything. For the first time in my life I felt I was allowed something. Haru was right, he always was. Then we did something crazy. Rei, tapped out and I stood on the podium in his place. It was a secret, no one could know that I was with Samezuka… not yet. Before I knew what was happening I was smiling, grinning madly with excitement. Everything was falling into place. Everything was finally making sense. I put my goggles on over my eyes and pulled the strap back and let it snap.

Nagisa touched the wall and I dove in. I was fast, I was powerful, I was happy. And then I saw it. I saw the sight. It was bright, it was beautiful, it was everything I hoped it would be, and it gave me the strength to defeat everyone in the water with me. I was fast.

I tapped the wall and Haru went flying. Haru was the sight.

And then we won. Makoto pulled Haru out of the water and I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him. Makoto and Nagisa joined me in our group hug. I cried again, sweet tears of pure happiness.

"Haru, you've shown me the best sight I could have asked for!"

Naturally, we were disqualified, but we didn't particularly care. It wasn't about the win, that wasn't what we swam for. We swam for each other, we swam for our friendship, but above all we swam for the team.

You can imagine the rest I'm sure, but I'll still tell you. I went to go apologize formally to the Samezuka team. I asked to be kicked off the swim team, it was only right. The captain's glare was intense but he refused to kick me off. He said very sternly that he had a better way for me to repent…

"Swim the way you just did for our team."

He topped it off with his signature grin and then he dismissed us to go home. A few weeks later I paid a visit to Iwatobi high school after hours to play a little joke with my friends.

I stood at the front of an empty class room and introduced myself.

"It's nice to meet you. My name is Rin Matsuoka. I previously went to Samezuka Academy. I have a girly name but I'm a boy," I finished flatly.

"Hmm it doesn't feel quite right," Nagisa moaned in the front seat.

"Put more effort into it," the speedo glasses agreed a few seats back.

"You used to be more…" Makoto couldn't find the word.

"Fresh," Nagisa chirped.

"Yeah! That's it," Makoto cheered.

"Shut up! You guys told me to do this!" I scowled.

Then the door opened to my sister and Nitori, oh no, caught in the act! We all sprinted to the Iwatobi pool for our joint practice.

As we ran Haru asked, "So, you're following your dad's dream?"

I smiled at that, "No, I'm not following my dad's dream. I'm following my own dream!"

And it felt amazing to finally say those words.