The Making of Resident Evil (Game One)
Author's Notes: This is sort of like a parody of different Resident Evil scenes, only it speaks more in depth about what happens after the director says "Cut!" and hopefully, it'll be pretty funny. This treats the cast of Resident Evil as though they were actors.
Disclaimers: I don't own what Capcom does. I don't own what anyone else does. Blah, blah, blah.
Part One
The director (whom we shall call Mark, for lack of a better name) walked onto the set, observing his cast of characters. On the mansion stairwell sat Rebecca Chambers, Kenneth Sullivan, and Joseph Frost. In the corner, Jill Valentine was making out with Chris Redfield. Albert Wesker was standing by the typewriter, arms folded over his chest, practicing looking cool. Forest Speyer was thoroughly enjoying repeatedly tapping on Barry Burton's shoulder, giggling like an idiot every time Barry turned around and said, "What is it?" while Brad Vickers cowered before Richard Aiken and Enrico Marini, who were threatening to kick his ass.
"Okay, everybody, are we ready?" Mark called cheerfully.
Enrico and Richard looked up, snarled, and continued to bully Brad. Jill and Chris didn't even bother opening an eye. Wesker stared stonily ahead.
"So I told the guy, fuming hydrosulfuric acid is the most corrosive acid in the world," Rebecca was telling Kenneth and Joseph. Kenneth looked mildly interested, but Joseph was staring down her shirt and didn't appear to know Rebecca was speaking. "Not hydrofluoric! I mean, that's just plain silly!"
Mark sighed. It wasn't until Forest fell over from laughing and knocked over Chris and Jill that anyone noticed Mark.
"Ow! Damn you!" Jill screeched. Chris nudged her and nodded at Mark. Everyone looked over at Mark save Joseph, who didn't tear his gaze away from Rebecca's cleavage.
"Right, now," Mark said, sighing. "It's time for the discovery of the very first zombie scene, okay? I need Jill, Barry, and Kenneth over in the back hall. C'mon, chop chop."
** Five minutes
later**
"Jill, look around and see if you can find any more clues. I'll be examining this. Hope this is not Chris's blood."
Barry delivered his monotonous line perfectly, and Jill opened the side door in the dining room hallway and stepped inside.
Three seconds later…
"Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" Jill's scream scared everyone witless and Brad wet himself. She came bursting through the door, not even glancing at Barry as per the script. "Ahhhhhhhh!! CLOWN!! A CLOWN!! RUN FOR IT!"
** Thirty minutes later**
"Jill, it was a zombie. A big scary zombie. It was not a clown!"
"IT WAS TOO!" Jill moaned. "A big ugly clown with big red lips and a pasty white face!" She bursts into tears.
** Another thirty minutes later**
"It's in my contract, there, you see? I DON'T DO CLOWN SCENES. Period. You can't make me, Mark! You can't make me!"
** Four hours later**
"I was only four years old, Mark, and my auntie Beatrice took me to the circus, and this big scary mean clown came over, and he smelled like beer and elephant poop—"
"Elephant poop?" Mark interrupted, incredulous.
"I was four, okay? Anyway, he came over to me, and he—"
** Another four
hours later**
"And I hate clowns, they're just plain mean! I'm not doing ANYTHING with a clown in it, understand? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. No elephant-poop-stinking clowns, get it?"
** Five hours later**
"Right, then," said Mark, finally giving up on the traumatized Jill, who was babbling something that sounded like, "Zombies are fun. Clowns are evil. Clowns… clowns…"
"What scene are we doing now?" asked Wesker, annoyed. "One with me, finally?"
"Nope," Mark said cheerfully. "We're doing the one where Chris meets Rebecca in the storeroom. Off we go, mates!"
****
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