I own nothing. This is "My Worst Fear" by Rascal Flatts, and the characters of Gundam Wing. Lyra is the name I ganked off Philip Pullman, but this Lyra is NOT his Lyra, she is me. :D Flame me and I'll sick my flying monkeys on you- they need the exercise.
I lay curled up on our giant bed. The black satinteen sheets were cool against my skin as I waited for her to come home. She wasn't late, not yet, but I wondered if she would be. She never was, never ever, in fact she was usually early, but the darkness in my head always doubted her, never fully trusted her. I pressed my face into my pillow, ashamed. How could I love her if I never trusted her?
Maybe I didn't love her… we did argue frequently. But we also tended to have more good times, reading quietly together, teaching her a kata, letting her teach me to Cha-cha… Yes we had a lot of good times too. I heard the front door open, heard the slightest groan of the floorboards under her slight weight, the rasp of cloth on skin as she entered the bedroom and shed her top. As I listened to the soft sounds of her undressing and readying for bed I considered my options… I could talk to her now… or I could just leave it until the morning… I closed my eyes and she turned toward our bed, deciding to let her have a quiet night.
The bed dipped as she slid in beside me. Instead of sleeping on her side of the bed she shifted carefully toward me. I felt her finger tips brush across my cheeks as she pressed a light kiss to my lips, knowing that were I sleeping- as she thought I was- it would not wake me.
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did
You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
She pressed herself gently against me, snuggling close. "Oh my Dragon," she whispered, and I could hardly hear her, even as I strained to catch every breath, "My wonderful Dragon." She pressed her lips to my shoulder in a soft kiss. "I love you Chang Wufei, more than you will ever know."
I wanted to open my eyes and assure her I knew, that I believed her. Because in that instant I knew she loved me, her voice was so open, so vulnerable… But it made little difference now… Just made tomorrow morning that much more difficult.
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
Because I was leaving her, I HAD to. I couldn't trust her, and it wasn't her fault. She loved me, and thus she trusted me. She was never jealous, never clingy, never anything I hated. But that was why I couldn't trust her. Women were supposed to be that way, and because she wasn't something was off. I knew in my head that was incorrect, but… I couldn't make myself believe it. Just… just in case I was right… that she didn't love me… I couldn't stay for fear she'd leave me. Silly, a gundam pilot fearing above all else being left by the woman he loves…
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
I sat up, blinking in the light. It was our day off and the alarm wasn't set to go off so I'd slept late, especially 'cause I'd stayed up later than usual… Ah yes… My Lyra. I closed my eyes and could still hear her soft voice telling me, as open and vulnerable as a person could ever be. My stomach clenched. God how would she take this? How badly would I break her heart to attempt to protect mine…
Called out your name, but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone
I turned to look at her beautiful sleeping form, her long red hair spread across the black pillows… she wasn't there. I looked around, not noticing anything unusual. "Lyra?" I called, standing. I heard nothing. I walked from our room to the living room. She wasn't there. I went into the kitchen, no Lyra, but a pot of tea made for me, still steaming. Ahh, she had to be nearby. I checked the bathroom next- still no Lyra.
Perhaps she was getting the mail? I stuck my head outside and glanced up and down the hallway. No Lyra. I began to feel panic, where was my Lyra? I went back into the kitchen and looked wildly around, surely she had left me a note telling me where she'd gone? And then my eyes found the white slip of paper under my usual tea mug. I sagged in relief. She was just out.
I poured myself a cup of tea and looked at the note.
Dragon-
I know you, I know you don't think I do, but I do. Very well. I know something's wrong, I know you've been planning something terrible. I'm not sure what, but I know what it means. You don't love me, Dragon. So instead of making you handle this too I've done it for you. I've left you- not because I don't love you, or don't want you. Because I do, more than you may ever know. If you change your mind… if you decide to trust and love me… I'll be at Duo's.
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
That put a damper on my plan… Even worse… she'd left me. Just like I'd known she would… God she left me. She didn't love me… but she said she did… I KNEW she loved me… I looked around the small apartment, realizing she'd left everything, all the pictures of us, all of our furniature… I ran to the bedroom and yanked open her drawers. They were empty of her things, but in her night-things drawer there was a pair of black silk pants… a pair of mine she'd stolen and claimed…
I was all alone… I dropped to my knees and the world faded away, leaving only my misery and pain…
All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you
There had always been something missing, something in our relationship that was not quite right… Was she correct? Had it always been me? Sure I didn't trust her, couldn't trust her… But there had to have been more… it couldn't be all me…
But it had been. It was all me. Me who had been unable to trust, me who had been unable to fully love, me who had been unfair to her. And it was supposed to be ME that had left… instead… She left, left me with everything that had been ours, and yet I still felt empty…
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear
I looked around at the empty apartment. All our things were here, everything I had been upset about leaving. I still had everything, so… why was I breaking into pieces? I had everything I'd wanted, and lost only what I was ready to give up. So why… why was I only concerned with what had left, with Lyra…
I bit my lip as I realized… being alone was not my worst fear. It was losing Lyra. And I realized it too late to keep the only thing that really mattered….