Listen to: I'd Lie - Taylor Swift
He was sweet. He was the sweetest guy I'd ever known. He was fair, and kind, and devoted. There was no doubt about that.
You could ask me why I never went for him, and I could tell you that I wasn't interested, but that would be a lie. Or I could tell you that I didn't know why I couldn't do it, that I should have let myself fall helplessly into his arms. But that would also be a lie. I knew exactly why. It's because he was too good, and I was afraid to make a mess of that. To get him caught up in my web of disasters, this life that I'm living.
He was beautiful. He played that guitar like he was born to. He would tell the best jokes, and I would tell the best lies. He'd start to play his favorite song, and I'd pretend like I hadn't spent nights listening to it, thinking about him. I'd act surprised when he'd tell us his birthday was in a week. I'd ask him personal questions about himself two or three times, as if I didn't already know the answers. Anything to make it look like he wasn't the number one thought occupying my mind.
I would look at him every day. I would look at him just as he looked at me, with a wistful hoping that something better could be made of us. I was much less obvious than him, however, locking away my feelings as he boldly pinned his heart on his sleeve. I would see his neat shirt and unwavering smile that persisted, regardless of how much I rejected him. He had that unruly head of curly hair, one of the only things in his life that wasn't perfect. That aura of perfection was a daunting thought, and I didn't dare to cross over into his world. His world that was so different from mine.
And the worst part? He still wanted me. I was a wreck, and he was perfect, and he didn't care. He accepted my flaws and my unpredictable life with open arms. He wanted me, and would have been perfectly content with all the baggage I carried along with me. It was I, Cat Valentine, who wasn't okay with it. I never could have placed my burden on someone I cared so deeply about.
Which is why I did what I did. Why I denied him like I did. Why I lied to him like I did.
I wasn't oblivious, and I wasn't uninterested. I wasn't innocent, and I wasn't overlooking the truth. I was afraid, and I was weak, and I was in love, but I didn't dare to let that show. And if you asked me if I loved him, I'd lie.