"Sometimes solutions aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.
And the sun, will set for you.
The sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey.
And the sun will set for you."
It's stupid really. It's sort of an internal love triangle, its not physical, not even really there. Neither of them want me, only behind their imprint. I guess you have to learn that people just belong to each other and no matter how much you truly love them, love isn't stronger than this. The force that binds them together forever. Because imprinting does just that. Makes you want to be whatever that person needs, you can hardly bear to be apart from them. Your supposed to find the person who is perfect for you in every way. I'd been naïve enough to think you could find that anyway.
I'm sick to death of it. I need the peace of mind. I'd rather just love one and not the other, even though either would be unrequited. No more of an inner conflict. Because being rejected by one person, is better than being rejected by two. It would help me get to know myself. Help me in the future. It could go either way though. I don't know who I want, what I want.
There's Sam. My high school sweetheart, the 'love of my life'. I had our whole lives planned. We were so happy. He phased for the first time. Went missing for a week, I was worried sick. Then he imprinted on my cousin, my sister. To say that it broke my heart is an understatement. It tore me apart, it turned me into the person monster I am now – in figurative terms. It was supposed to make my skin thicker, make me a stronger person, but it didn't. It's just made me bitter - a 'harpy'. He told me that we couldn't be together, I didn't understand at first. What was he talking about? We were in love? Those were the worst months.
The werewolf secret was not to be told to anyone other than your imprint. At least when I phased, became the first 'girlie-wolf', I was informed of the possibility of imprinting. Though they all knew I never would. Why else would you imprint but to breed more wolves? I wasn't even good for that. But I joined Sam's pack, played my role, accepted him as my alpha. I wasn't great at concealing my thoughts I admit, all the other wolves knew how I felt, I was cruel to them anyway, I don't blame them for hating me. But after Jacob, the rightful alpha, left the pack and started his own, my brother joined him. And that was my excuse. I could get away from Sam, I could protect my brother. I hated Jacob, I hated all the wolves except Seth. But any pack was better than Sam's.
So then there's Jacob. He'd been in love with this vamp-wannabe for a while, his best friend. She was perfect to him. He couldn't see anyone else. Me and Sam before Emily. It was true love. But she could never get the vampire out of her head. When he came back, they picked up right where they left off. Jake was heart-broken. He ran in wolf form for months. He came back for her wedding. When Bella got pregnant, with the half-vampire, Renesmee, Sam wanted to destroy the fetus, "it was a threat to the people of La Push" he'd said. Jake hated the kid, it was slowly killing Bella after all, but Sam wasn't worried about the prospect of killing Bella. Jake left to protect the Cullens. I joined. It didn't take long really. He reminded me of myself. I stood by him, I respected him as my alpha. And after a while I started to actually like him.
He wasn't as sinister as Sam. Sam took everything so seriously, everything is a 'risk'. Jake was funny, he made me laugh, something I hadn't done for a long time. He was strong, and he'd do anything for his pack, his family. And he understood me, we were the same. He became essential to my life. I needed to spend time with him, to talk to him. I saw him, the real him. And within a few weeks I knew I was in love with him. While we ran I caught glimpses of what he was thinking. I'd read the signals and I was hoping that I hadn't come to the wrong conclusion. That he needed me the way I needed him. He wasn't like Sam, he wasn't as confident. He would never say it, but I knew that was because he didn't want to admit it to himself. Maybe he hadn't even realised himself. But I knew. The way he looked at me sometimes made it obvious. He made me happy again, made me appreciate myself. I'd realised that it was up to me to get over Sam. I vowed to, and when I was sure that I had, I would tell Jacob how I felt. We were both in love with someone else. But I knew this could work. After months of Bella leading Jake on, he'd taken a drive to clear his head. He'd wanted to imprint. Something he always said he'd never want to do. I cracked, I thought he'd run again. I screamed at Bella, I wanted her to feel the guilt for the pain she was causing him. I guess it was partly selfish anger. Because he was exactly the same as me, he just couldn't get over her.
Bella's baby was born, and Jake imprinted. It wasn't as bad the second time, but it hurt. A lot. I knew there was nothing left I could do, Jacob was the only person I knew who could come close to fighting an imprint, and although I knew underneath it he wanted to. He didn't. Renesmee was his life, the way Emily was Sam's. All he could manage to say was "I'm so sorry Leah". I didn't cry.
Jacob is the one I should be with. The one I would be with if all the magic didn't exist. Jake made me forget Sam, forget the heart-break. But I don't have enough strength in me to fight for him. For a genetic-dead like me, my only option is a real person. I have to move on from La Push. I'll take a leaf out of Jacobs book. I'll run. I'll say goodbye to him first. For the last time. I don't know where I'm going, but there's no hope for me here.
I should've learnt the first time.