Disclaimer--Characters belong to JK Rowling. Universe belongs to JK Rowling. Ideas probably belong to JK Rowling. But the prose is mine...please ask before printing or posting elsewhere. Thanks.
Author's Notes--This is meant to be the first installment in my version of how Severus Snape became first a Death Eater and then a spy--not to mention what his deal is with Harry and the Mauraders...but we'll see a) how you like, b) how long invention holds out, c)how much time I actually have to write it. Sigh. Anywho...I hope that you like this--and that you tell me so...Feedback is so welcome! But this is my first HP fic...please be gentle.
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Late at night, rubbing the Dark Mark burning itself ever more clearly into his flesh, Severus Snape lay staring into the shadows in a vain attempt to see what was coming. He felt his lips twist in a mirthless smile. All these years, and he still didn't know any better...he didn't even know how he had gotten here. How could he possibly know where he was going?
Sleep was no longer sleep, only endless replays of a past better left forgotten...
*********************
James Potter was part of life for Severus Snape. For as long as he could remember, they were almost always together. On the rare afternoons James didn't ask Severus to come over, Severus appeared anyway; he was always welcome, no one that he couldn't stay away. Severus had more fun with James Potter than he could imagine--even knowing it was possible. He hated James for that.
Not really.
Not the violent, angry sort of hate that meant wishing someone dead--he loved James too much for that. But his joy--and his love--was always shadowed, framed by a deep and aching void with the bitterness of coffee brewed too dark and too long. Because James Potter had a father.
He didn't lord it over Severus that he had a father and Severus didn't. James was too kind for that. It would have been easier if he had...
Severus shared in backyard Quidditch matches, degnoming lessons, chess stories, and exploding chess as if he and James were brothers. Somethimes he thought they were...and then they would win a neighborhood Quidditch match and James would be carried away for ice cream on his father's shoulders. Severus, who could have followed, would slink shamefully home rather than endure the unintentional indifference of the man he secretly thought of as his father. It was all he could do, after a night of his mother's fond reminiscences of the joys of being the forgotten widow to one of the most respected--and poorest--old wizarding families accompanied by visions of the praise James was receiving in a sprinkling of ice cream sundaes, to be reasonably polite the next morning when James asked him where he had gone. In spite of his best efforts, an undercurrent of something akin to anger drifted between them, bouying a look of hurt confusion to James' face.
Even as the expression filled the smallest degree of the emptiness surrounding him, it stung Severus deep in the heart, widening the void around him a little more.
He loved no one on earth the way he loved the Potters, and it was tearing him apart.
James wanted Severus to sit with him on the train when they finally left for Hogwarts. "It's only right, isn't it?," he'd said cheerfully, "the two of us facing the unknown together. Like brothers." He'd looked so open, so vulnerable and innocent, Severus felt slaughtering a unicorn would have been less horrible than telling him no...but it wouldn't really be as if they were brothers...at least, not to everyone, and the look on Mr. Potter's face as they stood at the station could not be borne. Severus swallowed hard at the thought and shook his head. The look of pain was on James' face. "I didn't know that was how you felt," James said.Severus opened his mouth to explain, but he couldn't force the words past the sudden tightness in his throat. His stomach was on fire. "I guess I'll see you there," James said.
So Severus Snape found himself leaving for Hogwarts alone.
He felt as though a huge mistake had been made. And, yet, for the first time, he and his old life had been set completely apart. It felt good.
The feeling lasted until he stepped into a compartment and found James sitting with a boy he had never seen before. The stranger muttered something to James as Severus walked in, and Severus couldn't shake the sudden paranoid feeling it was about him. James and the other boy laughed, making the certainty sting. Severus turned sharply on his heel, ready to leave without a word.
"What--you're not going to introduce yourself?," the strange boy said suddenly. "That's a bit rude."
Severus eyed him in a way James laughingly called 'the freezing anti-charm', a look created in the darkest shadows of his bleak and blighted home. "Thanks for the lesson in manners," he said coolly, pleased at how little his voice betrayed the pain and confusion running through him in quavers.
"You'll have a hard time making friends if you're always like this," the boy said impudently.
Severus felt the back of his neck bristle. "What--you mean like you?," he sneered.
"No, like you're too good for us," the boy said bluntly, eyeing him from head to toe as if taking his measure. Judging from the look on his face, he found Severus wanting, but Severus knew James would defend him.
"Didn't you know, Sirius," James said suddenly with what might have been a laugh, "He is."
Author's Notes--This is meant to be the first installment in my version of how Severus Snape became first a Death Eater and then a spy--not to mention what his deal is with Harry and the Mauraders...but we'll see a) how you like, b) how long invention holds out, c)how much time I actually have to write it. Sigh. Anywho...I hope that you like this--and that you tell me so...Feedback is so welcome! But this is my first HP fic...please be gentle.
**********************
Late at night, rubbing the Dark Mark burning itself ever more clearly into his flesh, Severus Snape lay staring into the shadows in a vain attempt to see what was coming. He felt his lips twist in a mirthless smile. All these years, and he still didn't know any better...he didn't even know how he had gotten here. How could he possibly know where he was going?
Sleep was no longer sleep, only endless replays of a past better left forgotten...
*********************
James Potter was part of life for Severus Snape. For as long as he could remember, they were almost always together. On the rare afternoons James didn't ask Severus to come over, Severus appeared anyway; he was always welcome, no one that he couldn't stay away. Severus had more fun with James Potter than he could imagine--even knowing it was possible. He hated James for that.
Not really.
Not the violent, angry sort of hate that meant wishing someone dead--he loved James too much for that. But his joy--and his love--was always shadowed, framed by a deep and aching void with the bitterness of coffee brewed too dark and too long. Because James Potter had a father.
He didn't lord it over Severus that he had a father and Severus didn't. James was too kind for that. It would have been easier if he had...
Severus shared in backyard Quidditch matches, degnoming lessons, chess stories, and exploding chess as if he and James were brothers. Somethimes he thought they were...and then they would win a neighborhood Quidditch match and James would be carried away for ice cream on his father's shoulders. Severus, who could have followed, would slink shamefully home rather than endure the unintentional indifference of the man he secretly thought of as his father. It was all he could do, after a night of his mother's fond reminiscences of the joys of being the forgotten widow to one of the most respected--and poorest--old wizarding families accompanied by visions of the praise James was receiving in a sprinkling of ice cream sundaes, to be reasonably polite the next morning when James asked him where he had gone. In spite of his best efforts, an undercurrent of something akin to anger drifted between them, bouying a look of hurt confusion to James' face.
Even as the expression filled the smallest degree of the emptiness surrounding him, it stung Severus deep in the heart, widening the void around him a little more.
He loved no one on earth the way he loved the Potters, and it was tearing him apart.
James wanted Severus to sit with him on the train when they finally left for Hogwarts. "It's only right, isn't it?," he'd said cheerfully, "the two of us facing the unknown together. Like brothers." He'd looked so open, so vulnerable and innocent, Severus felt slaughtering a unicorn would have been less horrible than telling him no...but it wouldn't really be as if they were brothers...at least, not to everyone, and the look on Mr. Potter's face as they stood at the station could not be borne. Severus swallowed hard at the thought and shook his head. The look of pain was on James' face. "I didn't know that was how you felt," James said.Severus opened his mouth to explain, but he couldn't force the words past the sudden tightness in his throat. His stomach was on fire. "I guess I'll see you there," James said.
So Severus Snape found himself leaving for Hogwarts alone.
He felt as though a huge mistake had been made. And, yet, for the first time, he and his old life had been set completely apart. It felt good.
The feeling lasted until he stepped into a compartment and found James sitting with a boy he had never seen before. The stranger muttered something to James as Severus walked in, and Severus couldn't shake the sudden paranoid feeling it was about him. James and the other boy laughed, making the certainty sting. Severus turned sharply on his heel, ready to leave without a word.
"What--you're not going to introduce yourself?," the strange boy said suddenly. "That's a bit rude."
Severus eyed him in a way James laughingly called 'the freezing anti-charm', a look created in the darkest shadows of his bleak and blighted home. "Thanks for the lesson in manners," he said coolly, pleased at how little his voice betrayed the pain and confusion running through him in quavers.
"You'll have a hard time making friends if you're always like this," the boy said impudently.
Severus felt the back of his neck bristle. "What--you mean like you?," he sneered.
"No, like you're too good for us," the boy said bluntly, eyeing him from head to toe as if taking his measure. Judging from the look on his face, he found Severus wanting, but Severus knew James would defend him.
"Didn't you know, Sirius," James said suddenly with what might have been a laugh, "He is."