Take Leave of Your Senses
Summary: You're not yourself. You haven't been for awhile. When you look in the mirror, you hardly recognize yourself.
You've been married for a month. You're a newlywed, you probably should be more blissfully happy that you are. You're married to a great guy and he loves you. He tells you every chance he gets. You should be happy, but you're not and the smile plastered on your face is a mask. You don't want anyone to know that you think you've made the biggest mistake of your life. You wonder if anyone can tell that you are faking your newlywed bliss. You're parents do, that's for sure. You can tell that they are disappointed, worried even. You missed Christmas with your family, something you've never done. You always go home. They keep telling you that you're not acting like yourself, and they are right. You're cautious; you don't rush into things, especially life altering decisions.
You realize that in an attempt to be in a relationship, the first real relationship of your life, some of you has gotten lost. You've worked hard to become the woman Carl wants you to be, you don't want to end up with your heart broken again. You wear your hair the way he likes it. You try to like the things he does: movies, fancy parties and expensive dinners out. You know Carl is helping you, that your anxiety has lessened considerably since you started dating him. You're living out of your germ free bubble, but at what cost. You've lost part yourself in the process and worst of all you've lost your best friend, your only friend.
Will has always been a sore spot with Carl; you had shared so much, maybe too much, about your friendship with him before you started dating. You've done your best to reassure Carl, to tell him that Will was only a friend that you were over him. Except you never really were, you just pushed him out of your mind, out of your heart. Or so you thought. Carl doesn't want you around Will, talking to him, being friends with him. He didn't want you to go to Sectionals with the glee kids, and although you fought about it, you eventually caved and gave in to his demands.
Will went to Sectionals and you ended up Mrs. Howell. You're disappointed in yourself; you let Carl tell you what to do, make decisions for you. You used to be more independent. You used to stick up for yourself, for what and who you believed in. You let Carl dictate your life and now Will is hesitant and awkward when he's around you. Nervous. And you hate it. You miss your best friend. You hate the feeling of unease that has plagued you since you first showed him the ring on your left hand. Your conversations are brief, about "safe" topics like school and glee. Your life is a mess, a mess you don't know how to clean up.
As the New Year gets underway you realize that little has changed. Although you are married you are still hesitant to be intimate with your husband. You're not as receptive to his kisses as you once were and you still tense when his hands stray under your blouse or skirt to touch your bare skin. Despite the ring on your finger, your husband has not seen you naked; you dress for work or bed in the bathroom. You're still a virgin and you're a little afraid you always will be.
While your relationship with Carl is becoming more strained at home, your friendship with Will is slowly becoming stronger each day. After the holiday break he started walking by your office offering a wave and a smile. It wasn't the dazzling "Will smile" but it was a start. You started having lunch together again, with Shannon, of course. Will and Shannon have become tight and you try not to be jealous, but you are. You used to be his best friend and you feel like you were replaced. But you think that maybe you deserved it. Jealousy aside, you're grateful for Shannon's presence at the lunch table. You think Will is too; she's the buffer you need to keep the conversation light. Your table for two is now a table for three and as you sit with your friends and laugh about Sue's latest tirade, you can almost forget about the sadness in Will's eyes and the fact that you put it there.
As the tension at home continues to increase, you find that school has become your escape. You've started working late on a regular basis, planning elaborate lessons for your SAT prep classes, cleaning your immaculate office and even occasionally sneaking in to watch glee practice. It's the end of January when Will notices your car in the parking lot long after school has let out for the day. With his bag slung over his shoulder he reenters the building to find you. You're correcting papers when he taps on the glass door of your office. You wave him in and he asks if you are heading out too. He reminds you that it's late and the sun has long since disappeared from the sky. He offers to walk you to your car; he doesn't want you to be alone in the parking in the dark. You smile and thank him for his concern. You shove some papers into your school bag and he grabs it from you slinging it over his shoulder with his own. You lock up your office and quietly head out to the car. When he places his hand on the small of your back the tingle you feel is unmistakable. He helps you into the car and you drive away, heading home to Carl.
Every day from that point on Will checks in on you to see if you are working late. When you do, he walks you to your car. You find yourself creating work to do so that you have a reason to stay; you're enjoying the time alone with Will, the minutes that you spend walking to your car are the only moments that you are alone with him. Shannon is always there with you during the day. The three of you are like the three musketeers…..always together. You like Shannon, you really do, but you miss having Will's undivided attention. That's why you stay late every night. You want Will to yourself, even if it's just for a few moments. And you want to feel the tingles down your spine when he places his hand on the small of your back.
You soon realize that Will must be missing your alone time too because by mid February he starts showing up in your office during his free period….just like he used to, B.C. Before Carl. At first you genuinely think he wants your advice about the issues he's having with the kids in his Spanish classes and glee club. As the visits become more frequent you realize that the issues he wants to discuss seem to be problems that he has already solved. Maybe, just maybe, he wants to spend time with you too. This should make you uncomfortable, you're married after all, but it doesn't and you begin to watch the clock eagerly anticipating his arrival.
You always keep the conversation neutral, safe topics like school, Sue and glee. You don't talk about Carl and he doesn't talk about the dates he's been on. You hate to put a name to the emotion in the pit of your stomach when you hear through the grapevine that he's been dating. The news makes your heart heavy. You know you should be happy for your friend, but you can't help the twinge of jealousy that you feel when you think about him out with another woman.
Your birthday is early March. Carl presents you with beautiful diamond earrings, your first birthday gift from him. It's hard to believe that last year he was just your dentist. So much has happened in a year, so much has changed. You arrive at school hoping to keep your special day quiet, you don't want the attention. When you unlock the door to your office you see a small wrapped package sitting on your desk blotter. Without opening the card you know it's from Will, no one else would break into your office to leave you a birthday present. No one else even knows it's your birthday.
You read the card; it's funny and makes you laugh. You carefully tear away the wrapping paper and open the box. Nested inside on a bed of cotton is the most beautiful antique broach that you have ever seen. You gingerly remove it from the box to examine it more closely; it's special, you can tell. You head to the bathroom pin your gift to your cardigan because it's too beautiful to put back in the box. As you look in the mirror at your reflection, you think briefly about the diamond earrings you left on your dresser this morning. You push the thought from your mind and straighten your hair and head to Will's classroom to thank him for his thoughtful gift.
He's sitting at his desk prepping for first period but stops when you cross the threshold of his classroom. You thank him; tell him it's beautiful, that he shouldn't have. He smiles and says that he didn't do much; the broach belonged to his grandmother. The words make your heart flutter, his grandmother died just three weeks earlier. You went to the wake and called in sick to attend the funeral, against Carl's wishes. You're stunned that he'd given you a piece of his family's history. He rouses you from thoughts, telling you that the broach looks beautiful on you, that it reminded him of you and he wanted you to have it.
There are tears in your eyes as you move closer to embrace him. It's awkward at first, you don't know whether to hug him or kiss him on the cheek. You decide to kiss his cheek but he thinks you are coming in for a hug. You end up gently pecking him on the lips, shocking him. You're shocked too. Shocked at the rush of desire flooding your body. Before you can stop yourself you grab his face and kiss him again, more forcefully, pushing your tongue into his mouth. Somehow you end up pressing him against the blackboard and your body is flush against his. His warm hands are on your bare back under your cardigan as you continue to kiss him.
The first bell breaks you apart and you stare at each other for moment wide eyed. You're panting and you mutter a thank you as you touch the broach on your sweater. He nods, acknowledging your appreciation. You take a deep breath and hightail it out of there; god only knows what you would have done if the bell had not rung. When you get back to your office you collapse into your desk chair and watch through your glass walls as the kids come into school to start the day. You just cheated on your husband. You feel guilty, not because you kissed Will, but because you don't feel all that bad about it. In fact you'd like to kiss him again.
In the days after your birthday you and Will don't talk about the kiss you shared in his classroom. You're glad because the way you tried to suck off his face is a little embarrassing. You've thought about it often over the last few days and wonder whether or not he's still dating, if he's thinking about the kiss too. Carl's been more persistent in the bedroom, more forceful. You wonder if he can tell that you kissed another man. He's frustrated with you and last night when you rebuked his advances he called you a prude and stormed out of the bedroom to sleep on the couch. For a fleeting moment you wish he was screwing the perky blonde hygienist in his office, and then maybe he'd leave you alone.
The teachers are getting together for happy hour after school today. You normally don't attend these types of functions but Shannon and Will manage to persuade you doing lunch. It doesn't really take much effort on their part to convince you to go with them, but you let them believe they twisted your arm. The truth is you aren't in a hurry to go home….you had another big fight with Carl last night. You'd rather spend your Friday night with your friends having fun.
Later that afternoon after the school building has emptied out you pull your car into a parking lot across town. You head inside the bar to meet your friends. You find them at sitting the bar, and move across the room to greet them. You settle yourself on the empty stool between them and order yourself a glass of white wine. The conversation flows easily and you feel yourself relaxing. Will laughs heartily at something Shannon has said and puts his arm around the back of your stool. You can feel the heat from his body where it brushes your back and butterflies take flight in your stomach. You finish your wine with a gulp and signal the bartender for another. The wine is relaxing you; you're enjoying yourself and you want to stay here all night, talking with your friends. With Will's arm around the back of your stool.
Hours later it's time to leave. You're not a drinker, but tonight you let yourself relax and have fun. You've had a few glasses of wine and Will has had a few beers. You're tipsy, but not drunk. Although you really wouldn't know the difference, you've never been drunk before. Neither one of you can drive home, and Shannon graciously acts as chauffer. When she pulls up to Will's apartment building, he climbs out of the car and you find yourself getting out too. You don't want to go home to Carl drunk, he'll be mad and you don't have it in you to fight again. You're going to sleep off the wine on Will's couch, if he doesn't mind.
He doesn't. He leads you up to his apartment and the two of you stumble through the door laughing. You had fun tonight; you haven't had this much fun in years. Will leads you into his apartment and you follow him into the kitchen. He reaches into the cabinet and pulls out the aspirin and fills a glass with water from the tap. He shakes two pills into your palm and takes two for himself. He gulps down the pain killers, hands you the glass and you do the same. He leads you into the living room and leaves you sitting on the couch. He returns minutes later with a bedroom pillow, blankets and a change of clothes for you. You thank him, take the clothes, and head to the bathroom to change.
Minutes later you emerge from the bathroom, your face scrubbed free of make- up, swimming in an Ohio State t-shirt and blue boxers. While you were in the bathroom, Will has set up the couch for you….there's a pillow and blanket, a makeshift bed. You thank him and kiss him on the cheek. He pulls away and you make eye contact; you're mesmerized, lost in each other's eyes. Caught up in the moment you reach up and cup his cheek. Without hesitation you raise yourself onto your toes and press a kiss to his lips. He's startled at first, but when you don't pull away, he kisses you back and the two of you stumble to the couch in a tangle of limbs. You're making out like teenagers and you gasp in pleasure as his hand snakes under your t-shirt to cup your bare breast. His hands are hot on your flesh and you moan in appreciation. You're on fire, you can't get enough.
You're on top of him, straddling him, hands fisted in his curls. He stands suddenly, taking you with him and you wrap your legs around his waist. Your lips are still attached to his; you're not sure how you've managed to keep breathing. Will takes you into his bedroom. He deposits you onto the bed and you pull him down with you, on top of you. Your hands are under his shirt, pushing it up and off his body. As he attaches his mouth to the pulse point on your neck, you toss the shirt across the room. You break away for a moment and pull the t-shirt you are wearing from your body and discard it next to the bed. The rest of your clothes soon join it, and you are naked in front of a man for the first time in your life. Will hovers above you and you reach for the waistband of his boxers and push them from his body.
He looks down at you, hesitation written all over his face. He's nervous. You reach up and kiss him on the chin and tell him not to stop, you want this and you want him. That's all the encouragement he needs and with a kiss to your temple he slides into you. You wince slightly in pain and he freezes….his eyes are wide as saucers. He wasn't expecting this; there is no way he could have known that you were still a virgin.
He pulls back like he's going to stop…to pull himself out of your body. You wrap your legs around him to stop his retreat, to anchor yourself to him. You buck your hips against him, a silent plea to continue. You want this. You want him to make love to you. And he does. He begins to move within you and you marvel at the sensations he is evoking from your body. It's like a switch in your body has been flipped and you know exactly what you need to do to please him. As you move with him you can't help but wonder how something that is so very wrong can feel so right.
You make love twice that night; the second time more amazing than the first. As you lay wrapped in Will's arms listening to him breathe you contemplate what has happened. You cheated on your husband. You know you should feel bad, guilty for making love with Will when you couldn't bring yourself to do so with Carl, but you don't. If you are honest with yourself you'd admit that you always knew that Will would be your first, that he would be the man that you gave yourself to.
Waking up in Will's arms is like heaven; you want to experience this every morning. When he stirs behind you awareness sets and all too quickly the spell from the night before is broken and the two of you awkwardly slide out from the blankets. You look around for your discarded clothes and cover your naked bodies. It seems silly, you think, when just last night he kissed every inch of your body, but you're both suddenly aware of the situation at hand.
He's quick to apologize, to blame himself, the liquor. You both know it wasn't the booze and you refuse to let him take the blame, you wanted him just as much as he wanted you. He nods in agreement, acknowledges that you both knew exactly what you were doing last night. You tell him that you have no regrets and you pull on your clothes from the night before. He takes you back to the bar to get your car. As you get into the car he leans over and hesitantly kisses you. You kiss back and run the palm of your hand over the stubble on his cheek. You'll see him on Monday you say, and then you drive away leaving him in the parking lot watching you.
Monday morning you get to school eager to see Will. You thought about him all weekend. You don't see him all day and you wonder if he's avoiding you, if he's regretting your night together. You finally catch a glimpse of him as he attempts to sneak into the faculty meeting late. You make eye contact across the room and he smiles at you and mouths "miss you." Your heart flutters and you have a hard time concentrating on anything Figgins says for the rest of the meeting.
When the faculty meeting ends you get caught by Shannon. She wants to check up on a student that she referred to you. You're happy to talk to your friend, but disappointed when you notice Will duck out the door. You excuse yourself from Shannon as soon as you can and head down the empty hallway toward the choir room. You find Will sitting at his desk leafing through some paperwork. He stands as you close the door and crosses the room in three quick strides. Before you can open your mouth to speak he has you pressed against the door with his mouth attached yours, his tongue in your mouth. You immediately reach for his belt and undo his pants. He grabs the back of your thighs and guides you to wrap your legs around his waist.
His hands are under your skirt pulling at your panties and you yank his boxers out of the way. You make love pressed against his office door and he swallows the sound of your orgasm with a heated kiss. After you regain your senses, he lets your shaking legs return to the floor. You quickly straighten your clothes and he readjusts his dress pants. You stand before him satiated and wrinkled. He runs his hands through your hair and kisses your forehead. "I love you" he whispers to your temple. You snuggle into his chest and he wraps his arms around you. "I love you, too" you whisper to his chest. He tenses and pulls back, a hopeful look on his face. You look up, holding his gaze and say it again, louder this time so that he can hear it clearly.
You feel better now that you've said it out loud. Now that he knows. You've been in love with him from the first moment you laid eyes on him, but you don't tell him that, it would hurt him too much. You're married to someone else, a man that you married despite the fact that you were in love with Will. You may have given your heart and body to Will but you bound yourself to another.
It's late; the two of you need to leave. The building has long since emptied and you can't stay here all night, even though you want to. Will locks up his office and walks you to your car just as he always does. This time you lean in to kiss him goodbye and you tell him again that you love him. He loves you too; he says and turns to go to his own car and head home…..alone.
That night you spend more time than usual in the bathroom studying your reflection….looking to see if you look any different. Can people tell that you lost virginity just by looking at you? That you, prim and proper Emma, had sex at work? You know that it's ridiculous because no one would dare think that a thirty year old woman was still a virgin up until three days ago; especially a thirty year old woman that got married months ago. You scrutinize your reflection again, looking for any changes. You wonder if Carl can tell. If he knows you well enough to see that you are different.
Carl is still making advances, trying to seduce you and you're trying to play the part. You think about the time when you used to enjoy his kisses, when you wanted to be with him all the time. You try to return his kisses but you feel guilty, like you're cheating on Will. You know that's absolutely insane because the fact is you are cheating on Carl…..with Will. Carl comes to terms with the fact that you aren't interested and gives up, leaving you alone and heading up to bed. You settle into the couch cushions and grab the throw blanket from the back of the couch. You've been sleeping on the couch since the weekend, since you lied to your husband about where you spent Friday night. Carl knows something is going on but you're sure he would never guess the truth.
The next day you walk through the hallway at school wondering if people are looking at you, if they know what you've been up to. If they know that you had sex with Will in his office yesterday. If they know that you'd like to do it again right now. You're feeling a little like Hester Prynne, although the only person that can see your scarlet letter is you. You've committed adultery…..your Catholic parents would be even more disappointed in you than they already are.
You go through the day dazed, your mind is elsewhere. You eat lunch with Shannon and Will and pick at your food. It doesn't go unnoticed by Will, his eyes silently question you….are you alright? You smile and nod. You don't get to spend any time alone with him all day, and you're disappointed.
The week flies by and other than a few stolen kisses when you think no one is looking, you barely see Will. You're frustrated….and you need to do something about it. So you do the only thing you can….you jump him, literally. You watch as the glee kids leave the leave the emergency Friday rehearsal and you barge into the choir room. You grab Will by his tie and pull him into his office and slam the door shut behind you. He's speechless; he hasn't made a sound since he saw you walk into the door. You push him against his desk and throw yourself at him. It's fast and a little rough, but you like it. Afterward, you're talking, catching up on all the things you missed during the week as you pick up your discarded clothes and get dressed.
Wednesday night Carl has plans for a night out with friends. You stop by Will's classroom on your way out of the building and ask him if he wants to grab some dinner. You know it's wrong, but you want to spend time with him. He agrees and gathers his things to accompany you to the parking lot. The two of you climb into your car and head out of Lima; you don't want to run into anyone you know. You don't want to explain why the two of you are together outside of school.
You're in a restaurant about 40 minutes away drinking wine and laughing over dinner. You stay for coffee and share some dessert. To the other patrons in the restaurant with you look like a happy couple on a date; no one knows that this is wrong, that you shouldn't be together. Will pays the bill and grabs your left hand. That's when he realizes that your wedding ring is missing. He looks at you, questioning you without saying a word. You smile and shrug….you took it off. It's safely hidden in your purse.
Will is driving your car back to Lima but you don't want the night to end. You had fun. It was a good date. It's the first time the two of you have been out together. The last time you were together you never got passed dinner at his place, you never really got a chance to date. Before you head back to school, Will pulls the car into the parking lot of a secluded park, the park where the teenagers in town come to make out. It's a school night, it's late and your car is the only one there. You sit for awhile and talk, really talk. He tells you about the time he fell out of his tree house and broke his arm. You tell him that before your accident you liked to play in the mud and jump in puddles after it rained.
He leans over and kisses your cheek and you peck him on the lips. Before long you're making out like a bunch of horny teenagers. You've fogged up the windows and you realize that this is a first for you. Shy, demure Emma Pillsbury never made out with boys in cars back in high school. You're feeling adventurous and you unbutton your blouse and toss it into the back seat. You've never had sex in a car either, but as Will reaches around to unclasp your bra and begins pressing hot kisses to your breasts, you know that is another first you will experience tonight.
You arrive home to a dark house. It looks as if Carl is home and already in bed. You step out of the car and try to straighten your clothes as best you can. You are rumpled and wrinkled. Your hair is a mess. You look like you slept in your clothes….or that your clothes spent the night carelessly tossed on the floor in the backseat of your car while your lover brought you to orgasm multiple times. To be blunt, you look like you got laid. And you did….twice.
You try to be as quiet as possible when you walk in. You hang your keys on the hook by the door and remove your shoes. As you move to head through the darkened living room to head upstairs to shower before bed, you are startled as the light goes on. It's Carl, he's sitting in his leather arm chair waiting for you….and he looks pissed.
He wants to know if you have any idea what time it is. You don't. You lose all track of time when you are with Will. He wants to know who you were with all night. You tell him you were out with friends, but he barks back that you don't have any friends. You have to give him that one, your only friend is Will. He reaches for your left hand and holds it up between the two of you. He wants to know where your wedding ring is. You tell him that you took it off to wash your hands that you forgot to put it back on. You think for a moment that he's going to back off, but he doesn't. He tells you he wants you to put it back on, right now. You fumble through your purse and pull out the rings. You contemplate them for a moment and look up at him, at your husband. You take a deep breath and tell him no. It's a word you should have told him months ago when he suggested that you get married. No. One syllable would have prevented this whole sordid mess.
He wants to know how long it's been going on. You don't answer; you really don't know what to say. He yells at you this time…..how long? You answer quietly, "not long." And in reality it hasn't been that long since you first slept with Will. Two weeks. You've been having an affair for two weeks. Instead of angering him further, your admission causes Carl to deflate, almost like a balloon. You talk then. Something you used to do back when you first started dating. You tell him everything you were holding back, how you did things to please him, not because you wanted to do them. He tells you that he wanted to make you better, to fix what he thought was broken. You tell him that you want out, that you have since you got home and reality set in. You knew getting married was a mistake from the start, but you tried to make it work, to give him a chance.
You tell him that you're sorry. Sorry that you hurt him, that you were too chicken to be honest about your feelings. That you care for him, but you never really loved him the way that you should have. The way that a wife loves her husband. He tells you that he was dishonest too. He wanted to keep you away from Will, that he interfered in your friendship. He tells you that he told Will to back off and leave you alone, that he thought if he married you, you'd move on and forget about Will. He also admits that he started looking into an annulment months ago, that he knew when you wouldn't make love to him on your wedding night, he'd made a mistake. He pushed you and you weren't ready.
Its 2am before you head upstairs to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. Carl lets you take the bed; he'll take the couch this time. You lay in bed for awhile thinking about the man sleeping on the couch. He was good to you and you enjoyed his company, but he never had your heart. You loved the idea of him, a handsome man that wanted you, but you never were in love with him. You feel bad for letting things get this far, this out of control, but you are relieved to reach a resolution. You finally feel like you are back in control of your life.
The next morning you're tired, both physically and emotionally hung over. You are on your third cup of coffee when Will pops into your office during his prep period. He notices the dark circles under your eyes and voices his concern. You tell him that you don't want to talk here; you ask if you can go over after school. He looks worried; like he's afraid you are going to break off your relationship with him. You tell him that you'll explain later and that's when he notices your bare left ring finger. He doesn't say anything; he's sensitive to your feelings, he always has been. He just nods in understanding and tells you to come over whenever.
You show up at his door a little after 5. He's cooking dinner and there are two places set at the kitchen table. You take off your coat and help him finish cooking. You push your food around on your plate, you're nervous. He puts down his fork and asks you to tell him what's going on. It all comes out in a rush. You left Carl, you say, your marriage is over and will be annulled. He doesn't say anything; he waits for you to continue. You let it all come out, the confrontation with Carl and the resulting conversation. He listens and silently offers his support.
As the two of you clean up the kitchen he asks how you feel. You're fine you tell him. You're fine, you tell him. He thinks you're lying, but you're not…not really. You're happy to end the charade, the sneaking around. To have it all out there in the open. You don't have to sneak around anymore. You hate yourself for hurting Carl, for being the person that could have an affair, but you're relieved to be able to be honest about your feelings. You love Will, you always have and you can't wait to kiss him in public without worrying if someone will see.
You're putting the dishes away when he asks you where you are going to stay. You hadn't thought about that, hadn't thought that far in advance. You'd rented out your condo when you moved into Carl's house; the tenants have a yearlong lease. He offers to have you stay with him, says he has a spare room. He's giving you space, privacy and you're grateful. You accept his offer; glad you didn't have to ask. You ask if you can stay tonight, you don't want to go back to Carl's home. Will offers to help you get your things from the house. You tell him you'll make arrangements and let him know. You don't want to move out while Carl is around and you certainly don't want Will to run into him.
You sit and talk for awhile about anything and everything. When you start to doze off he gently pulls you to your feet and leads you to the spare room. He deposits you on the bed and tells you he'll be right back. He comes back minutes later with a t-shirt for you to sleep in. You smile at him and he bids you good night, tells you he'll see you in the morning.
You quickly change and slip between the cool sheets. You settle into the pillows and close your eyes. You're exhausted but you can't settle down. Your last conversation with Carl is playing on a loop in your head as you try to sleep. You watch the minutes tick by on the alarm clock, sleep isn't coming anytime soon. The bed is unfamiliar, empty and Will is just down the hall. You slide out of bed and pad down to Will's bedroom. The door is ajar and you push it open quietly and whisper his name. He bolts upright immediately, asking if you are ok. You nod and tell him that you can't sleep. You ask if you can sleep with him, just sleep. You want him to hold you. Wordlessly he lifts the covers so that you can slide in.
As you settle into bed, he wraps you tightly in his strong arms. You lay your head on his chest and he kisses your temple, tells you that he loves you. He tells you that he wants to do this right, that he wants you to know that he respects you and wants you to be happy. He feels guilty about the affair, about the way he treated Carl. He tells you that he loves you, but he doesn't want to make love to you again until you are no longer attached to Carl. He figures he owes Carl at least that much. He also believes he owes it to you and himself and to have a fresh start, free from complications from previous relationships. You agree….as long as you can spend your nights wrapped in his embrace, you're ok. You can wait a couple of weeks for sex; wait for your annulment to come through, because you know that it will be well worth the wait.